Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Way It Is

I told myself I wouldn't come here again to do this. *sigh*

I'm tired of coming here, every fucking month, to write about how I'm struggling.
I'm tired of wanting more and hating myself for it.
I'm just fucking tired.

So...

"More" is off the table. We are just bedroom players now.

My soul can't handle it anymore.

Because I'm the s-side I have felt like I should adjust to his D-side...that's kind of our place, right? Walk the path he gives, make his expectations yours, etc., etc..

Well, he has given me a path to walk and I've given it my best for three years and six days. His path is a nice one, that should work (I'm sure it would work for many), but I've found that I can't force myself to be something I'm not. And he can't force himself to be something he's not.

It is what it is and we are what we are.








Monday, August 15, 2016

It's Been Awhile

I haven't been compelled to write, so I haven't, and I'm cool with that. Which is kinda strange. Nevertheless, I'm here now.

I'm just not sure what I want to say. :)

My emotions are still all over the place, but it's different, I have ways to manage. And that seems to have freed me up to focus more on positive things.

Daddy has been acting different too. He's had me sit at his feet, trim his nails, and all kinds of awesome stuff!
I've even done the dishes (a few times) in my underwear, high heels, collar, and the chained nipple clamps that run through the D-ring on my collar. And he wants them done in a specific way, it's not at all comfortable and I absolutely love it.

I just feel really good about where we are.



Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Can Be Full

I was once a child with holes.

There is a cavern for a father that protects with fierce love. Gaps in space and moments in time left empty because he should have been something he wasn't made to be. It's a place that keeps me from throwing away a birthday card I didn't even want.

"I do love you immensely."

Fuck. You.

And pain drips down my face.

Trust was carved out of my heart by a monster who wanted my innocence before I had a chance to know any different.

No one is who they seem.

Holes drilled through foundation by a mom, with love in her heart, whom lead me to believe I wasn't worth the fight. She blinded herself when I needed her the most.

"I don't know why I try."

She didn't try.

Now, I am an adult with holes.

Holes that couldn't be filled, until they could.

They are filled by him with love that looks cruel and care that looks like pain, in place that appears to be dark, but there is only light.

It's my shame that he has taken as his own. Something I don't deserve, but I will do my best to repay.

*          *          *

I must have underestimated the power in knowing I'm not alone. To know that someone really understands where I'm coming from...it has made me feel like it will all be okay even when I'm not okay, which (I'm sure you know) is priceless. Thank you, fur, for being here.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

I've never done one of these before, but saw this over at The Continued Journey and thought, what the heck, why not?

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes, yes I do. Especially on a salad.
2. Have you ever smoked? Smoked what? ;) Yes, I have smoked.
3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but Daddy does. I shot a gun for the first time last year.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Whatever sounds good in the moment.
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Sure, don't you?
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Is there anything else to eat?
7. Favorite Movie? I don't have one.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, duh.
9. Do you do push ups? Sometimes. On my knees. They suck.  
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? Does my collar count?   
11. Favorite hobby? Currently it is writing.   
12. Do you have A.D.D.?  I don't think so.   
13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? I'm an introvert.   
14. What is your middle name?  What's your middle name?  
15. Name three thoughts at this moment… 1. I'm tired 2. Kids are really freakin' good at making a mess 3. Daddy thinks about work too much  
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? I only have two, coffee and water. 
17. Current worry? The list is never ending.
18. Current annoyance right now?  Kids. 
19. Favorite place to be? It depends on my mood, outside or the basement.
20. How do you ring in the new year? I like to sleep.
21. Where would you like to go? My best friend's house.
22. Name three people who will complete this? Uh, not sure if anyone will...
23. Do you own slippers? I do. I'm not sure where they are, but they're here somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Maroon.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I care more about the bed than I do sheets.
26. Can you whistle? Kinda.
27. What are your favorite colors? All of them, but my favorite of favorites is yellow.
28. Would you be a pirate? Arrrr, matey. I would suck at being a pirate.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever song is playing.
30. Favorite girls name? You can make me chose just one! I have two girls.
31. Favorite boys name? Daddy's name.
32. What’s in your pocket right now? If I had a pocket there wouldn't be anything in it.
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My kids.
34. Best toy as a child? A tree and some dirt.
35. Worst injury you ever had? I broke a bone in my hand, it was a small break. I've been incredibly lucky.
36. Where would you love to live? Anywhere with him would do just fine.
37. How many TV’s do you have? Two.
38. Who is your loudest friend? Laura. I miss hanging out with her.
39. How many dogs do you have? None. It has been over three years since I held my baby.
40. Does someone trust you? You'd have to ask them.
41. What book are you reading at the moment? The Nature Principle by Richard Louv.
42. What’s your favorite candy?  I live for chocolate.
43. What’s your favorite sports team? The ones in Dallas/Fort Worth, TX. No, I don't live there, and if you have any Cowboy jokes bring 'em on, I'll laugh with you. 
44. Favorite month? May...I guess.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Must. Stay. Rational.

I want more structure. I want to be held accountable for my actions. And I don't want to feel bad about that.

It feels like I'm walking around in circles, trying to do this and that, and ending up exactly where I was in the beginning, all that work for nothing.

This is not a stab at what he is not doing. Please, please, please see that.

His want trumps my want in so many ways--he didn't put that in place, it's the way I want it. No matter what I want, no matter how bad I want it, if he doesn't want it...I don't want him to change. I mean that.

I own the fact that I don't always have the best reaction to his requests, but I always have the best intention. My actions don't always reflect what's happening inside and I'm working on that. It would probably be easier for him if I was a bit more pleasing about it all.

We had twelve years to develop another way of living, so of course it is going to take time to get to something else.

But...

Emotionally...

I'm slipping into irrational territory.

I'm starting to worry that this isn't important to him. It touches a place from my childhood... "Am I not worth the effort?"

That's not fair to him, because he is putting forth effort. Lots of it. Which makes me feel like I'm too much work and I don't want to put more on his shoulders.

Urrrrrrrrrrgh!

I need to stop beating myself up because I want more.

I want more, there is nothing wrong with that.
We are working on it.
We are doing this.
He wants this too.

I just gotta keep my cool.

Easier said than done.

Monday, July 25, 2016

A New Addition

I really meant to write this earlier, but more important posts came up--you know how that goes, right?

When I was in the mist of my last blogging funk and revamping this place (thanks again, willie!), I had an idea for a new place. Not one that would replace A Submission to Slavery, but a place that would kinda add to it, in a way.

I also want to get better at writing, and they say, "If you want to get better, you gotta write, a lot." I'm at this point where this whole journal blogging thing is comfortable (I found a voice!), however I ache for a challenge. I want to play with words!

Do I need another place for that? No, I just want one, okay?!

Well, I know all of you are so excited to see the new place (and its grand total of two posts) so here's the link, Bound to be Inspired.

FYI, I added a page that will take you there (look next to "Home") so you can find it in the future, or you can always add it to your blog roll.

Friday, July 22, 2016

The Core Component (In My Opinion)

Recently, I was over at Pygar's place, A Kind Dom, commenting about the word "play" and an anonymous person made a comment that I must write about. You can read here for the entire conversation, but this is the part that had my wheels spinning....
Previously, as part of a 24/7 dynamic, 'play' was the core defining component of the relationship. Isn't that what the lifestyle is ultimately all about? The physical thrill? Who is a person outside the scene? After play? 
No doubt about it, sex/play/scene/fun times/etc. has a firm place in this lifestyle. I feel that the majority of people want to see that aspect of it (we all know how sex sells) because it's fun and it feels good, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (as long as you don't forget there's more to life than getting off).

But, is that the core of this lifestyle? No, I don't think it is. It's not for me. 

Our sexual orientation defines what kind of relationship we are in, it does not define our relationship. And, I think it is easy to lose sight of that, given the conditions of this lifestyle. 

Before Daddy, I had sexual non-kinky relationships, and that's all it was...sex. When you start getting into committed relationships, where people are emotionally involved, you are in a totally different chapter book.

This lifestyle is far more complicated and involved than the "physical thrill". Of course, that's where it starts and stops with some, however, as far as I can see, it's so much more. Even if you are all about play, surely you can see more in others just as I can?

And, is it really the physical thrill we all love, or the mental thrill?

Who am I before, after, and in between play?

I'm a lot of different things that I'm not when we are playing and I do behave differently outside of our alone time. Life is full of responsibilities and obligations that take precedence over our dynamic, nonetheless, no matter what I am doing, I'm still his. And, you know what? He's mine, too. Not in the same sense, but he is mine, and I will no doubt turn into mama-bear if you mess with him. 

What is the core of our relationship?

To sum up what I could say in a thousand words... Persistent togetherness. Of course there is love, respect, and a lot of other things, however without persistent togetherness I don't think those other things would have held us together.

We hold onto each other like a tick to a hound dog, and that is why I ache to be everything he wants. It is what lurks behind the actions that put us in a power exchange relationship. He has my love because he sticks with me no matter what, not because he knows how to dominate me. Without that firm togetherness the physical thrill would pale in comparison.