Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year, New Possibilities

It seems as if everything is changing. 

In about a week Master will be jobless and we will be on our own. I keep having to remind myself that this is really happening; we are really going to start our own business. I have a list of things that need to be done, but a lot of things can't be done until other things are done, and it is driving me crazy. I'm ready to be rich (a girl can dream, right?) but I am fearful of starving to death (ridiculous thinking). 

My girls are growing up, which brings changes of the good kind (NO MORE DIAPERS) and changes of the scary kind (getting closer to teen years every day).

Then we have changes with Master and I, which some are a bit hard to describe. Things that were okay are not okay anymore, or maybe they were never okay but I never noticed... or cared to notice. They are changes of the subtle kind but, yet, they are victories that push us further down this road. There are also changes that are easly explained because they evolve my wrists and ankles being bound to our new, handmade!, spreader bar. Oh and, can't forget, the sock... in my mouth. 

I don't want to give the impression that everything has been easy going these past couple weeks, because it hasn't. There have been times that I have fallen far from where I want to be. 

Even though positive moments and negative moments have varying effects, I learn from them just the same. I need them both in my life in order to grow and to move closer to the person that I want to be. And what a great feeling it is to have this realization!

I know this new year is full of unknowns but I'm ready to tackle these unknowns... with a happy heart and a sock in my mouth... 

But lets hope it is not a dirty sock...

Monday, December 23, 2013

Three Things

First, I want to say thank you to everyone that takes the time to stop by my blog, commenters and non-commenters alike, it truly amazes me that anyone would be interested in what I have to say.

Second, my "Popular Posts" gadget over there is wrong. They might be some pretty awesome posts (ha, ha) but all of them are not my most popular, therefore I decided to add a new page that lists some posts, with links, that I felt you all enjoyed or that I just don't want to get lost over time. I also plan to add posts that I thoroughly enjoy of other bloggers; I was tempted not to do this because I hate mentioning someone and not mentioning someone else, as I don't want to offend anyone, but I'm doing it anyway because I can do what I want... kind of... well, you know what I mean. 

Third, I hope that all of you have a great Christmas (or whatever you might, or might not, celebrate this time of year). Maybe once it is all over we can get together to celebrate making it through another holiday season? 

I will see you on the other side of Christmas and, again, thank you so much for reading! 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Bend Over

I stood up and Master, still sitting on the couch, grabbed me, rubbed my ass for a bit, then pulled down my pants. 

"Bend over."

I bent over but his view must not have been good enough.

"More."

My hands were on my thighs and my ass a couple feet from his face.

"Arch your back."

"Pull your ass apart."

I did as he asked without thinking and melted away.

Later I found myself on the floor; fibers from the rug pushing into the side of my face and my knees, his fingers in my ass, and him filling me up. 

Pain existed but ceased to matter. 

I was his, to be what he wanted, and yet, somehow, I think I ended up with the better deal...

Friday, December 20, 2013

Will I Ever Learn?

Some days I feel like I have learned how important it is to communicate, then I go to sleep and... well... I just forget. Okay, okay, I didn't forget this time. I just didn't want to acknowledge that I needed to talk.

I thought I would just sweep the dirt under the rug and forget about it.

But here's the thing...

Dirt that is under a rug, is still dirt... it's just under a rug. 

And another thing...

A little pile of dirt under a rug can seem much bigger than it actually is.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Pandora's Box

It has been almost four months since I first posted here, and, holy cow, has my life changed, but I do find that I, occasionally, still open the "will he ever..." box. What, you don't have one of those? This box of mine includes some kink but it's mostly full of questions that pertain to those things outside of the bedroom... and the living room... and kitchen... and bathroom. I digressed. Mainly they pertain to things that I want to happen. When I open this box it never bodes well. I wonder if I will ever learn that Master is doing exactly what he should be doing and keep the darn lid closed. 

When I open the box I get off kilter, then he goes and does something that puts the lid back on... it's amazing really. 

I opened the box a couple days ago and last night I expected to push him away (or maybe I planned on it, but that doesn't really matter, does it?) but all he had to do was sit down and tell me to lay across his lap and, bada-bang-bada-boom, the lid closed. There was also talk of me being a sexy bitch while his hands found their way across my back, over my ass, and finally reaching my pussy, which put the box on the top shelf of my closet.

In those moments nothing matters besides Master. I'm in his world; a world where reason meets absurdity, and absurdity turns into reason, and I am as he says I am, nothing more and nothing less, which is exactly who I need to be. 

And it is there that I realize there is no room for boxes in my head... that space belongs to my Master alone. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Life Changes, We Adapt

Master is going to be laid off from work. We got the news a couple weeks ago but I knew at the beginning of summer that it was going to happen. It was just a feeling. I worked for the same company for seven years so I know how they operate. They wanted Master and I to move, again, but it is not an option. So... we are opening our own business... and I'm scared shitless. 

I know we can do this.

I'm freaking out.

It is going to be okay.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 


Saturday, December 14, 2013

What Does Submission Mean to Me?

It is a question worth asking, don't you think? But where to start and where to end? Aright, whatever, I will just start writing. 

For me, submission is...

Something much more than I am doing now
Obeying, despite my opinion
Watching sports without complaining
More than clamps and vibrators
Being pleasing
Giving up myself, my soul, my body, my-everything
Obeying, despite how I feel
Clamps and vibrators
Being accepted for who I was, who I am, and who I will be
Giving him my breath
Receiving a driving lesson without complaining 
Making his coffee
Being protected 
Being safe
Being His
Obeying, because I should
Wearing thongs because he likes them, not because it is a rule
Being pleasing
Having orgasmic orgasms 
Letting go
Losing myself 
Finding myself
Being pleasing
Obeying, because I have the choice to do so
Doing it his way even if I'm right and he is wrong (FYI I'm always right -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
Doing it his way because his way is the only way, no exceptions
Being vulnerable
Giving up control 
A part of me

But, there's also the fact that I want it to be more. I want it to mean that my needs are his, I want my limits to be his, I want to be able to do anything he asks or wants, but... I'm not there. Will I ever be there? I hope so. Does Master even want me there? Lol. Yes, he probably does.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Cop-out

I feel like I should be better (it would take me a week to define my perspective of "better") and that I should be able to deal with things on my own, because I'm an adult. I'm an adult with the responsibility of taking care of, not only one but two, tiny humans. I make sure they're fed and watered, and of course there is the small task of preparing them for a great big world that is out there waiting to undo everything I'm trying to instill in them now. Before kids I worked in an office by myself and from home because my employer knew I was responsible, I never needed someone to stand over me to make sure I was doing what needed to be done, I just did it, on my own. Not to mention the life monstrosities that I've delt with on my own. 

So why in the hell am I having a problem now, with this?! 

Why can't I get over some measly sub drop on my own? Why can't I see it for what it is... and get over it? My husband has plenty to worry about, he doesn't need me sulky and bitchy. And that I am. 

Master even asked what was wrong and all I could manage to say is, "I don't know," which, I guess, is a step up from, "nothing," but the responsible thing to do is open my fucking mouth and tell him. I just can't. I can't admit that I can't do this on my own. 

So I'm taking the easy road and doing it here, which means that by the time he reads this I will probably be over it. 

I'm such a cop-out. Great. Something else to be proud of.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Tale of a Whore's Ass

A long time ago, in a far off land, there was a Master that wanted to put his cock in his whore's ass, but the whore did not want such things.

"Master, do you realize that shit comes out of that hole?"  "It is made to be an exit, not an entrance." "It hurts and I do not like it." The whore would say.

The Master was patient, he waited and waited, and waited some more. Years past and his hope of sticking his cock in his whores ass was fading, but one day, something changed inside the whore and she wanted nothing more than to please him this way. 

At first, the whore found it painful but the Master was still a patient master, and he gave her more time. The Master would use his skillfull fingers and small plugs in her ass, and it helped the whore grow more confident in her ability to take his length in her ass. When the Master felt it was the right time he would try to stick his cock in the whores ass, but it was still too painful for the whore, her ass was just too tight.

The whore worried that she would never be able to enjoy his cock in her ass, and it saddened her because her Master was a kind master that gave her many orgasms, and she wanted to repay him for his kindness in this way.

Then, one cold and snowy night, the whore found herself consumed by her Master's needs. It was a night for the whore to please her Master, taking nothing for herself. The Master took the whore's mouth, forcing all of himself down her throat until she gagged time and time again. When he was finished with the whore's mouth he had her lay on his bed, with her ass in the air -- as this was his favorite view. The Master took no time entering her ass, but before he began to move within her, he did grant time to let the whore's ass grow accustomed to his length that stretched her. The whore was relaxed and she needed nothing more than to please him this way, and please him she did. Feeling her Master's cock move in and out of her with a great force she found that she was finally able to enjoy him this way, and that delighted her. The whore was thankful that her Master was so patient with her and grateful that he showed her how truly wonderful it was to have his cock in her ass, and through these feelings she had a release of epic perportions that she will remember for all of her days. The Master was thankful and took her ass once more before falling into a peaceful sleep.

The Master and whore continued to relish in their new found enjoyment and lived happily ever after. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Found

I lost something along the way. It could have fallen out on that bumpy road, stolen by a monster, or I might have even given it away unknowingly.

I lost it without knowing that I did so. How are you supposed to find something you didn't know you lost in the first place? You might stumble upon it, if you are lucky. I happen to be one of the lucky.

Turns out that it was crucial to me, what I lost, like water in the desert. I was starting to fade without it, and had it not been for one heart pushing me along I would have faded completely.

I spent many years wondering from place to place searching for answers to unknown questions. Trying to make sense of myself. Trying to make sense of my past. Trying to find my future.

Then I fell upon what I had lost. It was like finding a flashlight in a deep cave. I wasn't prepared for what I would see -one can not be prepared for such things- but no time was wasted before I turned on the light. I had no choice really. After all, who would continue to be surrounded by darkness if a light was there to be turned on?

The light burned my eyes and tears fell, washing away much more than I anticipated. However, once the tears stopped and the light became bearable, I was able to see that which was lost but was there the whole time...

Me.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Thoughts From a Whore

What can I say other than there is one happy whore sitting right here?

Oh wait, that's right, I do have more to say.

First, I have to say thank you for all the great advice, support, and hugs that I received on my last post. I do not regret -even a little bit- sharing that part of me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what kind if responses I would get. It makes a difference just knowing that others are there.

There has been some things that I haven't shared, okay maybe a lot of things, but, after all, it is hard to share ones whole life on a blog.

I'm not sure how long it has been now, close to a week, Master spanked me for not finishing the laundry (laundry and Misty do not mix), it was a fast spanking, it wasn't the hardest I've had, and it ended with a plug in my ass, so I think that's why I think of it as a spanking and not a punishment, but punishment it was. I made the same mistake the next day which bit me in the ass... that's all I have to say about that.

Recently, I have found myself wanting to do more for Master. You know, little things, like making his coffee in the morning. Why does that feel so damn good to do, it is just coffee? It is not just making his coffee, it is that he lets me make it.

There's also big things that I find myself aching to do. It had been a while since he had bit me for fun and I found myself wanting/needing him to, so I asked for it. (Biting is not something I particularly enjoy but Master does.) He replied with, "I don't do that anymore." Despite what he was doing to me I almost snorted. After some begging and telling him where he could bite me, he gave me what I asked for... on my pussy. It is a very interesting night, to say the least.

Then we have last night. I just started my period so I assumed my fun was going to be limited but, criminy, I couldn't have been more wrong. There was biting, of the very ouchy variety, and there was the crop, my long lost friend, and some other fun things, however, I was in for a little more than that. Some time ago, I wrote a post saying that if I got my wish of being tied up, to the point that I couldn't move, that I might end up with a cock in my ass without lube... well... I didn't get tied up.

And I can't forget this morning. Master gave me much more than I deserved, five times what I deserved, but I will get the chance to repay him.

Yes, one happy whore is sitting, carefully, right here.


Friday, December 6, 2013

Seeking Help

In the short time I've spent here, in blogland, I've been blown away by the support and willingness to help, no matter the subject, it truly is an amazing thing. Today, I'm coming to all of you for help, or advice, or something, I guess I'm not really sure what I am asking for.

I'm just going to dive right in.

I have these moments where I don't want Master to touch me. It is more than 'not feeling like it,' that I can overcome. This is... different. It is something rooted in me. Effing past. Blah, blah, blah.

Before TTWD this was a common thing but since we began this journey it has only happened a few times, thank goodness, but I don't want it to happen at all. The feeling that lingers, after the fact, is beginning to be unbearable. I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't overcome and let go. I'm fearful that Master will see me for what I am and decide I've got too much baggage. I'm pissed off that I don't know how to fix it. The list could go on and on. 

When Master and I where talking about it, I told him that I feel like I don't want him to touch me anywhere but I don't want him to stop either (truly, stopping would be much worse). Now that I've thought about it, it is not that I don't want him to touch me anywhere it is that I don't want him to touch parts of me.

So during these moments, say he reaches in my shirt and begins playing with my tits, I have this overwhelming need to push his hand away, and I do. I can't help it. It's like my hands have a mind of their own. I bear it as long as I can, which is only seconds, and then BAM my hand knocks his away. I want to roll into a ball away from him but I want to be close to him at the same time. 

Last night he tried slapping me, he tried pinning my hands down, he tried threatening me, all things that push me over the edge on a normal day. It was only when he combined slapping me, putting his hand around my throat, and talking to me, did I remotely let go -- remotely might even be an exaggeration. When he tried again, to touch me, I still pushed him away. He was able to finish but this behavior is unexceptionable, in my eyes. Some of you might say that he should just not touch me during these times, make it a hard limit, but I can't do that, I don't want to do that, and besides that, I think his touch is what I need even if I don't want it.

There has to be something, anything, that can get me past this so we can have our fun, right?! 

I don't know what triggers this, I don't know how to overcome it... I just don't know. I don't know.

Does anyone have an idea of where we could start? Or maybe someone has gone through this? 

I'm sure I left out information that could be important, I'm a little out of sorts, so ask away. Email me or comment here, I don't care, I just want to figure this out! 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza!

Extravaganza is such a fun word, but pair it with cookie and you know you are on to something really good, so of course I couldn't resist joining in the fun! And a huge thanks to Jz for putting this together!

Even though I love me some cookies I decided to share something different -we all need a little variety- and these morsels will not disappoint you. Seriously, I know people that don't like tomatoes but they will eat these... they are just that good. And they are so easy to make. 

Behold my Tomato Pesto Bread

1 French Baguette sliced into half inch slices
Pesto
Roma tomatoes sliced into quarter inch slices
Parmesan cheese shredded

Spread half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon of pesto, then add a slice of tomato, and top with about a tablespoon of Parmesan cheese on each slice of bread.

Put the slices of goodness on a cookie sheet and place under the boiler. Do not leave your oven! When the cheese melts and starts to bubble take them out of the oven and enjoy. Easy peasy!

Note: These are best served warm, so if you plan to take them to someone house I would advise that you ask to use their oven instead of cooking them before you leave. 


Another note: If you do not use a lot of pesto don't fret, freeze what you have left over.


Before you run off to buy the ingredients please take a gander at the other's that participated...


Tom 


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Small Steps

So, this submissive thing.

It is not as easy as it seems.

Easy probably isn't the right word. I never thought this would be easy but yet I continue to be surprised by how hard it can be.

The first time I got in the drivers seat on our trip, I didn't make it 20 yards before he was correcting my driving. 

"Are you going to turn on your blinker?"

"Yes, I was getting to it! I haven't even been driving for a minute and you're already telling me how to drive!" Yes, I was snippy and nevermind that I would have forgotten to turn on the blinker.

I realized at this point what I was going to have to do... let him tell me how to drive. *gasp, shock, stunned silence*

Later on...

"Slow down, there's ice on the road."

No, you don't say. "I know there's ice on the road."

"Well, you need to slow down."

"Okay, I will slow down."

I then received a lesson on how to drive on icy roads.

FYI, we have lived in an area that has snow on the ground -for five to six months out of the year- for seven years now.

Do you know just how hard it was to keep my mouth shut and listen to him?! It wasn't easy, but I did it. I just listened and did what Master said. 

And I have to say, it was much easier to obey than it would have been to rip his head off... much less clean up too.


Monday, December 2, 2013

Finally

We are home!!! That feels so good so say.

Yesterday was full of unpacking, Christmas decorating, taking care of a sick one, and chasing the other. But, *happy sigh* there were other events; some needed escapades. Yep, you heard me right, I needed it. For once, I have no problem admitting I needed everything Master gave me.

The slap to my cheek I got for trying to cover myself after getting out of the shower, when he was so blatantly trying to look at me.

The looks I got for not doing something he wanted.

The pulling of my nipples while the girls were in the other room.

The cock in my mouth.

The plug.

The vibrator.

The glass dildo.

I needed to feel Master again which is exactly what I got.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

More Whining

We are five days into our trip and I can't even begin to explain how bad I want to go home. 

The mom is still drinking, still diabetic, still eating like crap (sugar is a no-no but apparently it is okay to put a half a stick of butter in the green beans -- who knew?), and still stuck in her ways, obviously.

The grandma, with Alzheimer's, that is taken care of by said mother, is worse than I saw her last. She talks to herself a lot, roams from room to room, and normally has on two shirts - the top one on inside out and backwards. It is sad and scares the ever-living-daylights out of me, because I don't want to be that way. I always end up having to watch her which, btw, is an awesome way to spend a "vacation."

The rest of the family, well, I won't bore you with all that is going on but the theme of this trip seems to be that everyone has something to complain about, even me.

At least no one has mentioned my dad... which means he is still where he is supposed to be, in prison. 

I did see my best friend, whom is more like a sister. The two of us went out for a late lunch with drinks, which was priceless and makes miss her so much more (didn't know that was possible). I feel guilty for not sharing TTWD but, I just can't go there. 

Master, well, let's just say that he doesn't like being woken up in the morning by my grandma rubbing his feet. 

On a happy note, we did have sex on my mom's bed, well I was leaning over the side of her bed but that counts, right? 

And an even happier note, ONLY TWO MORE DAYS until we break out of this joint!!!! And in threeish days we will be home in our bed! And our toys. And our crop. And our nipple clamps. And...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

One Subtini Please

I consider myself a passive person; I would rather do what Master wants when in comes to what we do, where we go, and whom we see; it has always been that way. However, if Master tells me how to do something I've been doing effectively - or what I considered to be effective- for years, or when he takes away my choice, you might find that I'm not as compliant. Actually, I have a tendancy to rebel. And, this lady's and gentlemen, is where I fall short of being submissive.

I know that being submissive, at least to the extent that I would like to be, will take time and effort on both my part and Masters but it would sure be nice if someone would concoct a drink that would make me fully submissive. It would be so much easier! 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Pointless Post

Tomorrow we will begin our annual 1300 mile journey to my home state. Did you know we have a four year old and an almost two year old? Well, we do, and all of us will be making this journey in our car. It beats paying $2000 to fly us all there but I have to admit I'm a little worried. I always get this way before we travel, be it by air or land, and it always turns out much better than I anticipated. 

This year things have been different. I haven't made a list of what we need to bring; usually I start a list two week prior to our trips. I have yet to pack a single item. But the biggest difference is that I'm not looking forward to this trip, in fact I would rather not go. 

I'm tired of our vacations -if you can even call it a vacation- consisting of going from house to house and being pulled in two different directions the whole time. I'm tired of seeing how much my mom still drinks, despite her being diabetic. I'm tired of my grandmother, whom has Alzheimer's, going through our bags and taking our things, for instance our tooth brushes (yuck!). I'm just tired of all of it. 

Also, this trip will be the first time my four-legged son will not be with us... I miss him so terribly much... so that sucks. 

I really don't have a point to this post, I just wanted to whine a little. Sorry to waste your time :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Huh.

Months after I came across this way of life, when I decided that this was something I wanted, I started asking myself what I would and wouldn't be willing to do, what I would like, what I would hate, etc. ... an inevitable thing.

I wonder why I never gave thought to having my breath restricted or how it would feel to have fingers gag me.

To think, I was off thinking of being tied up, spanked, and having lots of orgasms...

Monday, November 18, 2013

Acceptance

It seems as if I'm not going to be admitted to an asylum. Phew! In fact, Master didn't bat an eye, or say a word, about his post or my previous post here. Maybe he is just buying his time while the asylum gets my room ready?

Why is it so hard to accept that he may like, maybe even prefer, me this way? 

Last night my worries were drowned by his words and touches but this morning, no more than an hour after he left for work, I felt the worry creeping back in. Now, I see that my worry, is in fact, derived from my own insecurities and my forever lingering past and Master has done nothing to warrant such worries.

You would think that would have been easy to see from the beginning...

Friday, November 15, 2013

It's To the Asylum For Me

Tonight is Friday, if you didn't know that already, which is poker night for Master, and that means I can do what I want. Usually, that means putting some sort of something on my face to keep me looking young, or so I hope, while taking a bath and extra unwanted -not unneeded- sleep. This Friday is no different, except tonight I'm quite uncomfortable leaning over the edge of the bathtub typing.

These past couple of days I've been... upset. My last post is haunting me. I've come to realize that I might not get what I want, which can be a little devastating (can anything be a little devastating?).

I had to write Master, I couldn't keep it in like I intended to do. I also wrote more, much more, than I intended. I said things that might be considered normal in this part of the world but over here, in our house... I'm pretty sure he is going to think that his wife is gone, and a crazy woman has taken over.

If I don't write another post in the next few days it is probably safe to assume that I'm in an asylum for multiple personality disorder. But, even if I am admitted, it was worth it, I feel so much better... and another layer of bricks have been knocked off of my wall.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Having Faith and Giving Trust

This year, when summer began, Master decided that he would replace our roof instead of hiring someone to do the work. I was against it. What if he fell off the roof?! What if he put a nail through his hand?! What if he did it wrong and the roof flew off with the first wind?

I had little faith that it would turn out good.

Well, here we are at the beginning of winter with a beautiful roof that is still intact and he managed to not fall or put a nail through his hand. He did the whole thing with his father (that has Parkinson's) and very little help from anyone else. I feel proud that he accomplished such a big task and I feel pretty shitty that I didn't have more faith in him. He is a very capable man, I should have known better, I should have trusted him.

There have been other times that I should have put more faith in Master, but life has taught me not to trust and that's not something that is easly changed.  

I'm not trusting him now with TTWD. I don't have faith that he knows what he is doing. 

That is going to start changing that right now. I'm going to trust that he knows what is right for us. If he chooses not to bring punishment, and the like, into our lives then I'm going to have faith that, that is the right move for us. I will not stop wanting such things, but I'm going to trust that he will add to our dynamic as needed.

If you have read my Needing Needs post then you know I have a problem with admitting I need things, and I'm learning that a repercussion of this issue is that I have a hard time telling the difference between a need and a want. I feel like the right thing is to trust that my husband will make sure my needs are met. 

I don't hand over my needs easily, and I know I'm going to have a hard time at first, but I know, without a doubt, I can trust him with this.

I'm sure, at some point, possibly tomorrow, I'm going to want to take back what I've said here and I might not know exactly what I'm handing over but I think, I hope, this is the right move and that Master directs me back to this post should my thoughts falter. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Screw Time

I have had an itch to write about something but now that Master reads my posts, I'm reluctant. I knew this would happen. It's not that I don't want him to know how I feel, it's that I don't want him to think that I'm not happy or that he is doing something wrong. On top of that, I have already told Master what I want to say and he has a tendency to prolong doing what I want if I keep bringing it up.

That little voice inside me has a big mouth that she can't keep shut, and being the whore that she is I can't say blame her.

Maybe the problem isn't that I don't have what I want. Maybe the problem is that I do not know what Master wants. When I read all of your posts I see all these fabulous yet very different dynamics, and here I am wondering what our dynamic is going to be. I need direction. If I'm not going to get things like punishments and rules then I need to know. If he doesn't want anything to change from where we are now, I need to know.

Then again, I could just be frustrated that I'm not getting what I asked for, it wouldn't be the first time.





Saturday, November 9, 2013

Wet Paint

Occasionally I find myself tempted to test what Master says he is going to do.

Last night night Master said he is going to do something (it's awfully gross) if I can't stay quiet. I have to admit, I'm tempted. I do not want this to happen, not even a little, but I'm still tempted. Why is that? It is like seeing a "Wet Paint" sign hung on a wall, then suddenly finding yourself with an urge to touch said wall just because the sign is there. Is it really wet? One little touch won't hurt.

Even if I am tempted, I will not deliberately put it to the test, I'm not stupid... well, most of the time I'm not.



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Blank

I feel like writing. Not much to say.

Master <--this is just silly... but it is still weird to say/type it.

Master, is working out of town this week, again. Him being gone seems much hard now than it was pre-spank. I feel needy. I don't think I like it. No, that's a lie, I know I don't like it.

Gah. I wish I had something to write about.


Monday, November 4, 2013

Basking in the Glow

I wanted to write about last night but too much of it is lost to me.

I remember when Master and I were on the couch, with my head in his lap, and the orgasms that seemed to make my whole body shake. Later in bed, I remember Master slapping my face after he spanked my ass harder than he ever has before, because I did or didn't do something he wanted or didn't want. OH! I just remembered! Master's fingers and mine... together... and him making me admit that I liked it.

I think the new name has had the effect he intended. I asked and he denied (Thank goodness I didn't have to ask to cum). He made me do what he wanted. He wouldn't let me say no. He bit me where he wanted and how hard he wanted. I did my best.

It amazing how much he and I, Master and I, have changed. I really do see progress. I still want more, but maybe I want more because I see progress and progress feels good. Maybe I want more for Master because he deserves more.

Whatever, it doesn't really matter. I'm happy.




Sunday, November 3, 2013

The New Mr. S

I'm sure all of you have been sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what I'm going to call Mr. S from now on. What's that you say? You weren't sitting on the edge of your seat? *gasp* I'm shocked!!

Mr. S and I have been debating over the new name since my last post -which, by the way, he only brought up "The Mean One" after reading it, go figure- well, I guess, "debating" is probably not the right word, it's more like he knows what he wants and I've been try to convince him he wants something else. 

Do you see the mistake I've been making here? Of course you do. You would think I would've seen it too but, nope, not Misty. Thank goodness I wised up after talking it through with a fellow blogger but, apparently, I haven't wised up enough. Even though I've stopped trying to convince him he wants something else, I have resorted to asking if he is absolutely sure that is what he wants. He is not budging. My white flag has been raised; hence this post.

I thought he would want to be called Daddy but Daddy is not an issue, for the time being. Phew.

I am glad to stop using Mr. S because every time I use my phone to post, it changes the S to an A, which is a pain in the ass.

I'm stalling, can you tell? 

My reasoning for not wanting to calling him this is extremely silly. It's not that I don't like the name, I don't mind hearing all of you say it, it just feels foreign to me. I even tried to write a post last night using it but it feels so strange that I didn't post it. 

Ugh! Alright! 

Master. He wants me to call him Master. 


Update: After rereading this I realize that all of you might think I don't want to call him this just because it feels strange but that's not the only reason, and as my reasoning doesn't really matter I don't see the need to explain. Just wanted to clear that up :)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Thanks A Lot (Feel My Sarcasm?)

I GET IT! Communication matters! Go on, keep laughing at me, it's okay.

However, I'm not so sure I'm going to like the things that communication brings... but I will, in a way, maybe, but maybe not. 

For instance, if I happen to tell Mr. S that I want to be tied up to the point that I can't move and he happens to oblige, my payment might be a cock in my ass without lube (is that even possible? Don't answer that because I don't want to know.). Nope, not liking that thought at all. I've been warned this is a possibility (um, wasn't I just talking about possibilities).

Maybe, I tell him some issues I have with my dad, it's likely that will end up with me calling him Daddy. You just wait and see, it's going to happen, I can feel it, my pussy feels it too, however we do not agree on the outcome. (Not ready to share more details about this one yet)

For my last example, let's say that I tell him nothing matters besides what he wants, that might end up with my tits being smacked, not so softly, with the crop, over and over in the same spot, if I fail to keep rubbing his cock (no matter if I have a vibrating butt plug in my ass, while holding a vibrator on my clit, and him pulling my nipples). Oh wait... that one I enjoyed.

I want to hug all of you for telling me to communicate but I would advise you not to get too close to me in case I decide to strangle you for not telling me this could happen... oh poop, you did tell me didn't you.

Seriously, I do want to thank all of you for talking about how communication matters, it really does make a difference, even if it has a not-so-pleasant outcome, it seems like it will help me get exactly what I want.

P.S. Mr. S is going to have a new name soon; he's not the same man and he needs a new one. Maybe "The Mean One" will work :), kidding... kind of. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Glorious Pain

I'm starting to think I might be a masochist. 

Mr. S got some nipple clamps as a surprise (which was very sweet), they hurt, bad, like can't stay still but don't move too much because your nipples might come off kind of hurt, but oh the glorious pain. 

The clamps have a chain that has some weight to it, so there's that too. 

"Put the chain in your mouth"

I'm not going to lie, I hesitated, but I did it. 

"You're such a sexy whore"

I attempted to lean my head back, I didn't get far, but oh the glorious pain that shot through my body. He was working on other areas of me in a way that would normally arch my back and stretch my head back, my body naturally tried to do just that, despite what my mind already knew, again, I didn't make it very far, but oh the glorious pain. It went on like that for a time, back and forth, a never ending circle of pain and pleasure.

Each time he took them off, oh the glorious pain. Each time he put them back on, oh the glorious pain. The last time he put them on -my legs spread, knees in the air, hands gripping the sheets at my sides- the pain was intense, no matter how hard I tried I was not able to stay still. I knew the chain would pull my nipples if I moved my upper body so I somehow managed to keep the movement to my lower half, my body seeking for anything to touch my pussy. It was almost too much, almost, but oh the glorious pain. 

The next morning he pulled on my sore nipples and oh the glorious pain. Our girls woke up so going further was not an option, however, even those few pulls managed to make me wet. 

 Like I said, I might be a masochist.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Possibilities...

I like what that word has to offer, don't you?

little girl was replying to a comment I left on a post of hers when she mentioned possibilities and it got me thinking about my possibilities.

Just over two months ago the possibilities in my relationship with Mr. S were few, and much less, if there were any at all, a year ago. This thing we do has opened up windows and doors for me and for us. Who will I be a few months from now, a year from now, five years from now, the possibilities are endless. This thing we do has opened my eyes to see the possibility of what could change, not that everything will change, such as my limits, but I see the potential for change. 

I have found that I'm excited to live, and grow, and fuck, and love, and feel, and be me. There was not much of any of that before this thing we do. 

Possibilities have no limits and limits have possibilities and that, right there my friends, is what makes life exciting.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Just In Case

I was watching a cartoon with my girls this morning and something they were talking about sparked a thought in me, or a question really. 

Am I a hoarder of psychological walls? 

Bear with me here.

A hoarder holds onto many items for one reason or another, mostly, I would think, they hold onto an item because it has a sentimental value or just in case they might need it one day.

Is that what I've been doing with these walls, have I been holding onto them just in case I might need them one day? 

For instance, this wall of not needing, I haven't needed it since I stop talking to my dad 13ish years ago, yet it is still there, tightly locked away. I don't want to throw it away because what if I need it again. What if?!?!

I wonder if hoarders feel like I feel now, when people try to make them throw away their things. I am hugging this wall tight, screaming and fighting for it. I feel like part if me is being taken away against  my will. Except it is me that is taking it away from me. 

Am I aloud to put it in storage for awhile or do I really have to throw it away? Maybe I could add a door with a lock and give Mr. S the key, so he is the only one that can get through... or maybe it could have a lock and padlocks.... or maybe a lock, padlocks, and one of those fancy iris scanner locks. 

Would that be okay? Truly! I need to hold onto it, just in case.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Now I'm a Communicator... Kind Of

A few weeks ago I found a, somewhat, used notebook and in it, I wrote a few things to Mr. S. I didn't know if he would ever read it but I still wrote what I couldn't say. I wrote about a lie I told him because I was to embarrassed to be honest. I copied a post, I have yet to publish, that I wrote over a month ago. I wrote ideas, likes, and some wrongs that I've done. I have to say that it felt good to write those things instead of keeping them locked up, like I normally do. It's interesting how easy it is to say things with my fingers instead of my mouth.

I told him that I was writing in the notebook for him and that I wanted him to read it but he didn't have to. A week or so would go by and I would mention it again, trying not to be pushy. Three weeks later he reads it (this was a few days ago).

He seemed pretty pleased at what I wrote. It sparked a few conversations over the day, one probably turned my face red but I forced myself to talk about it, kind of. Hey, "kind of" is better than nothing right? Another, the last, was about punishment, and all of you know how that ended. 

Seeing that the notebook worked so well, I started another blog just for him. I think it will be easier than the notebook; he'll be able to read it on his phone and being here is familiar to me so I think that will help.

Also, it is a possibility that Mr. S is going to start reading this blog as well. I'm not sure I'm happy with this but I'm not going to stop him so it is what it is. I told him that I really didn't want him to read here because it would effect what I say, his solution is that he is not going to tell me when/if he reads it, but I'm sure at some point I will say something that he will have to comment on. We will see.

I might just have to write something kinky to see if that gets me a comment. :)





Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Needing Needs

Before I go into this I want to let you know that I realize this is a serious problem. Like I probably need a therapist type of problem but I've been through things like this before and I will get through this. I'm just going through the hardest part right now.

A few times now some people have made comments along the lines of "It's not about wants, it's about what I need," I'm not sure if it was the first or second time it got through my thick skull but to be honest, I kind of let it go, and I just accepted it not really thinking it through. Yes, I guess, in a way, I do need this. And that was that.

Then I hear it again yesterday, twice. Then, BAM! My past punches me in the face. It all boils down to my dad (I don't think there is one area of my life that this man has not affected). I truly thought I had worked through everything he fucked up but seems as if that is never going to happen.

It starts with my dad not being around to watch me grow up (there's a lot more to it then what I'm saying here but I hope it's enough to make my point) and how bad that hurt me, in order to deal with that pain I made myself believe that I didn't need a father. As time went on, and I went though other things, that turned into me thinking I didn't need anyone, and  as more time went on it turned into me not needing anyone or anything. It wasn't something I did consciously. In fact I didn't know it was there until yesterday.

Looking back it seems so obvious that I have always believed that I didn't need anything more than air, food, water, and sleep. I didn't know... I didn't know I thought that way. Fuck. I hate this. I have dealt with so much, and worked through so much, on my own because I didn't need help from anyone. I had the "what could you possibly do for me" attitude. I was wrong all along.

I see now that I need more than those few physical needs but my mind is fighting it. I can literally feel myself fighting this. I really don't want to believe that I need anything or anyone because that means I'm dependent and needy. It's hard to admit that I need something or someone that could, at any moment, be taken from me. It's hard to admit that I might need punishment because what if Mr. S doesn't like it. See! Read back over that last sentence, did you notice that I said that I "might" need it? I can't even type that I _____ it. I can't do it. I know it is likely but I'm not accepting it.

I don't want to need anything. I want to be okay no matter what I have or don't have. But *sigh* I do need. I have needs and I need to have needs because without them...

DAMN IT! FUCK! SHIT!

I need a drink.


Discombobulated

I have so much to say but I don't know where to begin and where to end. My mind is all discombobulated and I cant make sense of... myself. I've been through times like this before- when something smacks punches me in the face and turns my world around- and I will get through it just as I have before.

I'm learning about myself, just like I've learned not to put the cumin next to the cinnamon on the spice rack... it's not a pleasant learning experience.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Punishment

I've been having an internal conflict, okay it's possible that there is more than one conflict in my mind but I only want to talk about one at the moment.

Punishment... I want it. 

See, that right there. What is that? Who says they want to be punished? I know some of you have to want it, on some level, don't you? 

I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it? 

The topic came up yesterday with Mr. S. I tried to explain why I think it would be good for me and I think he understands my thinking and sees my point. Kind of exciting.

Then I ask if he wants it too -damn my mouth. He said that we can try it. I hate when he does that; he answers but doesn't answer my question. 

"But do you want to," I ask. 

"I'm willing to try for you."

This is exactly what I don't want. I want him to have a want to do it. 

So, I told him that I don't want it. 

I really don't want him to do it just for me. But... damn it... I do want it. 

Gesh, I sound like a nut job. 

I think this is so hard for me because everything else we do, he wants to do it and it seems natural for him. This is a whole other level, I get that, but I feel like I'm pressuring him and taking advantage of him. 

So, at this point, I'm pissed at myself because if I hadn't asked if he wanted it we would be headed in the direction I want. Now, that I opened my big mouth, we aren't. 

I'm inclined to ask advice but I'm afraid that you are all going to say I overreacted, not that you wouldn't be right, I just don't want to hear it, lol.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A Moment From His Dirty Little Whore

I'm going to try something new here, forgive me if I completely mess it up, as I am sure to do so because I'm a nervous wreck. I knew when I woke up this morning that I would write this post; the decision has been made, I just need to figure out how to make my fingers say what my mind is thinking. 

So how is the weather where you are? It's cold here, too cold for my Texan blood, but I've been living here for awhile now and I've acclimated more than I would like to admit to.

Are you doing anything interesting this weekend? I know Subrina is. Mr. S and I are going to celebrate my husbands parents 40th Anniversary. 

Damn, I can't think think of anything else that will prolong this. Here goes nothing...

I'm not sure how long it was after he took the clothes pins off my nipples that he told me to roll onto my stomach. I don't think it was very long but I was somewhere else, oblivious to time.  

My legs were closed, laying flat but with my ass lifted, when he found his way inside me. I was more than ready.

He used our new crop on my back and shoulders, it felt wonderful. A few times he tapped my cheek and I could smell the leather, which just pushed me further away from this world into the next.

Time escaped me.

He pulled out of me and had me spread my legs, pushing my knees under my hips, before he entered me again. This time the hits from the crop were packed with sting and, even though I wanted more, I couldn't stop from wriggling each time it smacked me. I really liked each time the crop found the outside of my hips and thighs, however, when he smacked my face with it, I boarded a rocket ship and went to soaring to another planet. He might have only hit my face once, could have been twice, maybe more; no matter how hard I try I can't remember. I also don't remember if it hurt but I know it was much harder than the previous taps (no marks were left).

Again, time escaped me.

He put the crop down and put both index fingers in my mouth so they were pulling the corners of my mouth but were laying on top of my tongue (picture a bit gag but with fingers). It was uncomfortable but my pussy didn't mind at all and, in turn, I stayed still so he could do what he wished.

My back or neck, I don't remember which, started to ache so I tried to move, it was impossible with him behind me and his fingers pulling my head back. Once I realized this, I was gone again, lost on that foreign planet that is becoming more familiar to me. 

I faintly remember trying to cry out and not being able to. He was also talking to me but what he said is lost to me, maybe that I was a good dirty little whore- which does something to me that I can't explain, even typing now it makes my pussy muscles tighten. 

He finished and I came back to this world, leaving that wonderful planet behind. Even though I hadn't moved much after he told me to roll over, I was sweaty, panting, and unable to move... all I could do was smile.

I still haven't stopped smiling.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Apple Pie Anyone?

Mr. S is definitely turning over a new leaf. He has been more vocal about his dislikes of things I do; not that he wasn't vocal before but now he says it with purpose. I've been thinking that I failed at over thinking the daily aspect of TTWD and succeeded in over thinking the sexual part

Last night, Mr. S said that he thinks he might like breath play (FYI he doesn't think, he knows) and wondered if I would like it too. A couple times he has held is hand over my face so I couldn't breathe, it was fast but, to be honest, it was... disconcerting- I think that might be the whole point, is it not? For the most part I am willing to do it and maybe, even, like it, a little. There is another part that is agreeing to this because I don't want to tell him no (I worry that it would set him us back). All-in-all, I do enjoy being able to breathe freely but for him to have that kind of control over me... :)  

Having said that, why is it so easy to say yes to sexual stuff (not that everything would be easy to say yes to) but yet it is so hard to make sure all the clothes are turned right side out before they are put in the washer or have dinner planned more than an hour before I'm supposed to start on it (okay, okay, it's a good day if I have it figured out 30 min before I start). What can I say, I'm no Susie homemaker but I can make a gosh darn good apple pie, does that make up for it?

I'm sure that if Mr. S was punishing me I wouldn't be able to sit down right now, so maybe it's a good thing that we are not there yet... and that I'm making an apple pie today.





Monday, October 14, 2013

So Embarrassing

I threw up. Not on him, but it was close. Thank goodness he finished because there is no way I would have been able to put him back in my mouth. 

I need to dig a hole to hide in for awhile, does anyone have a shovel I can use?

I have nothing else to say.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Burnt Toast

 
This is what your toast will look like if you starting thinking dirty thoughts (mainly about what one might do to you when he gets home in 2ish days) and forget about the bread in the toaster oven. 

I can't wait for Mr. S to get home.








Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Just Sayin'

I'm riding the stationary bike at the gym waiting for yoga to start thinking about my blog. I feel an urge to say thank you to all of you that read and/or comment on my posts. Corny I know. But in all honesty I don't know what my head would be like if didn't have a place to come to get it all out and even more so to have a place where I feel normal.

So thanks for listening.

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Something Different

Mr. S is different!!! I'm sure of it. 

How, you ask. Well, let me tell you a few things I have noted that point to a change, a shift in him. 

He asked me how I felt. He will normally ask how I feel physically after an exciting night but this time he wanted to know how I felt mentally. This is extremely different. Seriously, he had to ask me twice before I realized was asking how I felt mentally. We do not normally talk about feelings and we certainly have never talked about how I feel about what happens in our bed. It was awkward to say the least. 

He has added clothes pins to our box of goodies! Oh, how I love this change! I'm tingling all over just thinking about it. I feel like this is a step worth mentioning because it is not your average toy, well not in the vanilla world. There are also a couple other activities we engaged in, that I'm having a hard time making my fingers type, that are not extreme but different (for us, for me) for sure. 

There is also a different air to him. I wish I had some details on this matter because this is what is boils down to (if there's really a shift) but I can't explain, he is just... different. It is boggling my mind. I wonder if it is all in my head, I don't think it is but maybe.

Seeing it written out makes it seem little but in my head it is huge. Maybe if I would have had more than two days with him I would be able to make more sense of this. I don't think it's a case of me making something out of nothing but then again maybe I am. I guess only time will tell.







   



Sunday, October 6, 2013

Talks of Toys, a Small Plug, and Something Different

I feel like something has changed. Unfortunately, I can't put my finger on what that might be. 

Mr. S worked out of town last week (he will be leaving again in the morning) and when he came home Friday evening something was different, like the air had changed. Then, there was yesterday, I wish everyday was yesterday. If I remember correctly, the morning started off with me showing him the fun things all of you recommended on my last post. The girls were playing right in front of us so we couldn't talk, however I was able to look them up on my phone and show him that way. Lil and Tori, when I showed him the anal hook I think he about jumped off the couch in excitement, lmao, or maybe he wanted to grab my phone out of my hands to get a better look, I really don't know but I wish I knew what he was thinking in that moment. I still don't think I'm ready for something like that but if he decides that is what he wants then I'm willing to give it a go. I am very excited to find out what he wants, well except for the gag that he wants very much (ugh). 

Rereading though this I feel like I should explain that when I say that "I don't know if I'm ready" I'm talking mostly of a mental "ready." Is that silly? It's just a toy. I really need to stop thinking.

I'm really good at getting off topic aren't I.

So the day went on with lots of touches, sneaky touches, you know, the kind that happen when the kids run out of the room real fast to grab a different toy. Then two o'clock rolled around and out of nowhere he stuffs a butt plug in me (just a small one with a curved base). It was only two o'clock!! This is very different; if it was seven or eight I wouldn't have been surprised. He only had me "wear" it a little over an hour but it was very... interesting. Part of me didn't want to like it (damn walls) but another part really enjoyed it. Strange having both of those feelings at the same time. The best part was seeing the smile on his face every time I moved, which was pretty much the whole time I had it in. It was one amazing smile. 

After our evening routine the girls were put to bed, and the stars must have been aligned because they went to bed and fell asleep without a fight. It was a day of firsts in more ways than one. 

I have been sitting here for ten minutes trying to finish writing about our night but, I can't. I find it hard to share these moments even though I would like to. I'd like to be able to relive them this way but, I can't. Maybe in the future. 

The point of this post was to say that something is different, last night was definitely different but it is more than that. I don't know if it is me, or Mr. S, or just the weather but something is different.

I think it might be a big something. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Help Me Out!!

With birthdays and the holidays coming up we are in the market for some spanking implements, restraints, and fun things of the like.

What websites have you found that have good quality things? (We do not have stores around these parts.)
Do you have any advice for me so that I don't waste money on cheap things?
What about gags? I really don't want to get one but Mr. S has brought it up a few times so I guess I should ask about them too; there's so many styles and don't know a good place to start.
What is your favorite spanking implement? Where did you get it?
I came across a crop that had a glass handle that could also be used as a dildo, has anyone ever used one of these? 
What is your favorite restraint(s)?

Bombard me with any information you think would be helpful, no matter how insignificant you might think! Feel free to email me lifethatismine@gmail.com, comment, or even do a post, just don't leave me hangin' :)

Thanks in advance!


Thursday, October 3, 2013

I Don't Even Want to Know

I got a call from a number I didn't know on my cell phone so I, did what I always do, let it go to voice mail. 

It was a wrong number.

A women left a message for an employee, whom apparently had not shown up for work yet. All very normal.

Except, the women that hasn't shown up for work is on the schedule as a discharge cleaner

Witney, I wouldn't have shown up for work either.

Susan, you need to talk to your boss about renaming this job title because, hopefully, it is not as bad as it sounds.

Side note: I assume this a hospital job but, come on, a discharge cleaner.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Walls, Walls, Who's Got Walls?

The mind can empower us to do the inconceivable and it can hinder us from doing the simple. If the mind was aloud to roam freely, without distractions from outside forces (religion, beliefs, influences, and such) there would be... could be... well, there's not enough time and space to say all that would be, the possibilities would be endless. 

What would the world be if we didn't let influences dictate the way we think and what we do?

Would there be judgement on colors of skin, religions, or sexual preference? Can we not read minds because someone along the way said it wasn't possible and everyone agreed?

Think about it. Not long ago I would have laughed at you if you told me that we would be able to carry around phones not much bigger than a credit card (not huge boxes that we carry in bags, lol, those were so cool) that could take videos and send mail thousands of miles in a matter of seconds. Now it is a way of life and something we can not live without because someone believed it was possible (okay maybe a lot of someones, but the point is the same). 


It's all a mindset. It is amazing what one can accomplish with the right mindset. 

I've been thinking a lot about how these influences have effected me and I wonder how they have held me back and how I have held myself back just the same.


I'm sure this is just another part of the process for me. 

I've always faught my perverted thoughts because I believed that they were wrong, religion taught me that. Something was wrong with me because I couldn't stop the way I thought. It put a wall up and I supported that wall. I hid within myself because of this wall. 

My mom and my grandmother (my dad's mom) told me I should be independent and I should never put faith in a man (just to name a couple rules they live by). I believed them. You know what? My mom has been single for over fifteen years and my grandmother longer than I've been alive. I know they were hurt by men and that is where the heart of their anger is, but they chose to never let it go, it is their mindset they have chosen. Why I chose to listen to them is beyond me but that is another wall that I allowed to be put up. 

It makes me sick to realize these walls have been within me and that there's got to be more; not only the ones related to TTWD. I want them gone! I want to be me, not who everyone says I should be. If there are going to be walls I want to put them up my damn self.

And that is that.