Saturday, August 31, 2013

Some Thoughts on Life

Over my thirty-one years of life I have been through a lot of bad situations, and good ones. Through those experiences I have learned that you can not have love without knowing hate and you can not have happiness if you do not know sadness. If we never felt hate how would we know the opposite? I've also learned that life is cruel and that cruelty has no end. Yes, we may go without it for a time, but it will without a doubt show its grotesque face again. 

Most of us question why things happen the way they do and we wonder why they happen to us- we wrack our brains and make ourselves sick trying to figure it out. We think that if we know the "why" that it will make things better, but I'm here to tell you it doesn't help. It doesn't erase what happened or what didn't happen. For example, I had a friend that was murdered at nineteen years old, and knowing that she was murdered because a boy wanted to know what it felt like to take a life, doesn't make it better. We search for answers, but we don't need them.

Do you want to know why things happen, all things? You have heard it before. The answer is quite simple and very unsatisfying. 

Everything happens for a reason. It happened because it was supposed to.

Some may ask, how can I think that my nineteen year old friend was supposed to die. Well, fact is, it was supposed to happen, no matter how bad it hurts. I wish it had been someone I didn't know. It wasn't at all fair to her or her family. Unfortunately, cruelty doesn't care about being fair. 

Just as my friend was supposed to die, I was supposed to go through hell as child. It was supposed to happen to get me to where I am today. Maybe everything I went through was for my girls, so that I might be a good mom instead of an okay mom. Maybe I didn't end up with my first love because he wouldn't be able to handle what I have asked of husband. Maybe my friend had to die in order to save the lives of three people with her organs. 

The whys and maybes don't matter. It is what it is and it will be what it will be. 

Whatever your situation is with your journey, or whatever problem you might be enduring, it is exactly what it is supposed to be. 

For those of you that are unhappy, I am truly and deeply sorry, but it will not be like this forever and you will not always feel this way. Even if you don't see a light, it is there. And for those of us that are happy, we must enjoy the good in everyday because tomorrow cruelty might be knocking on our door. 

Where you should go from here is something I can not help you with, but wherever you choose to go, it is exactly where you should be going. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013


I really do hate it when Mr. S goes out of town to work. I have too much time. I have deep cleaned my house from top to bottom, besides a few last things. I have given myself a pedicure and have done some extra exfoliating and moisturizing. I have even thought about doing things that require the use of tools but I'm sure that would just get me into trouble. I'm not saying I don't like my house clean and my toes painted, I'm saying I would much rather be doing other things.

That is all I have to say. Pretty lame. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A Few Things About Myself

Since I have all this extra time on my hands I thought I would share some things about myself.
  1. I am 31 years old and I have two girls that will soon be 4 and 2.
  2. I would choose a beach over mountains any day.
  3. grew up in a major metropolitan area that had more people than the state I currently live in. 
  4. I love to read because there is a new world under each cover.
  5. I am very optimistic.
  6. I am short.
  7. I am a runner. I need my runs because they keep me sane and calm. I started running a year ago and I have ran in three 5k's, one 10k, and one half marathon since then.
  8. I love yoga although I'm not very good at it, yet.
  9. I can do a tripod headstand, a forearm headstand, and I'm currently working on a forearm stand.
  10. Yes, I am bragging. Wouldn't you?
  11. I loathe drains and hair in drains. Ewww, yuck, gross! Excuse me for a moment while I wash my hands.
  12. I was with my husband (I'm going to call him Mr. S from now on) for eight years before we were married.
  13. Three months before we we married I found out I was pregnant. FYI being three months pregnant on your wedding day is not cool.
  14. I would rather drive a thousand miles than fly a thousand miles; I have done both many times.
  15. I consider myself a classic rock kind of girl however, lately I have been in more mellow. Pandora stations include The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty, 90's Alternative, Jack Johnson, A Fine Frenzy, Michael Dulin (I don't know how I came across this guy but this station really relaxes me), Johnny Cash, and Eminem to name a few.
  16. Alexander Skarsgard...  Need I say more?
  17. Yes, I need to say more. YUMMY!
  18. The first thing that drew Mr. S to me was my smile. I'm sure my breasts were a close second.
  19. I loved Elvis as a young child (started around five years old).
  20. I love, I mean really love, chocolate.
Hope you enjoyed. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Butterflies Pooping Orgasms

My husband (I need another name for him) as gone out of town to work this week and I can't help but feel a little melancholy. I want him here with me. Yes, I'm being whinny and selfish. On a positive note maybe he will come back with a new toy! He has done it before and something he said last night makes me wonder. 

Last night was a good night :). He made sure I was empty as could be but left me yearning for more. It was a night of butterflies pooping rainbows or maybe, more appropriately, butterflies pooping orgasms. I didn't want it to end.

Besides all the orgasms, we talked about things, sexy things. For instance, how he likes to call me a whore. Why the hell is that sexy?! Perhaps it is how he says it. Is it love and excitement, or just the latter? Either way, I love that he likes to call me a whore.

I also love calling him Sir. I think it was three nights ago, I asked him if I could call him Sir. I didn't have to ask, I knew his answer, I just wanted to hear him say yes. He said yes. It is surprising how good it feels to call him Sir. I can't really explain it yet. I'm sure all of you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, after I admitted that I like calling him Sir he told me that he liked it too. I promptly asked if he was sure, I knew the answer, I just wanted to hear him say yes. He chuckled and said, "I would say so." Which was much more satisfying than a yes.

After writing my post yesterday I feel like bus has been lifted off my shoulders, he is happy and everything is going to be okay, we are going to be okay. Phew!

Am I on an emotional roller coaster or what? LOL! 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Over Thinker? Yes I am.

I don't know what is going on with my husband and I don't think there's much I can do about it. I've told him to go to web sites or do some Internet searches so we can be on the same page but he has yet to do so. Does he not want to because he's worried about what he will see? Does he just not want to read (he is not a reader)? Does he think he knows what do to? Maybe he does know, but I doubt it. Maybe that's what is getting to me, that I'm doubting him. I know he knows a little about this but not all he needs to know. Right? Hell I don't even know all the work that goes into this so how can I judge? Is it possible to want something without knowing what goes into it to reaching the end goal? As I type this, I do believe it is possible. About a year ago I decided I wanted to run. I thought all I had to do was put one foot in front of the other but it is much more than that- I think the same can apply to this. Sorry to get off track, I'm just writing down what I'm thinking as I'm thinking it, lol. The thing is I want to search every website, blog, and buy every book but I've stopped myself from going very deep. I don't want to compare what my husband does or, probably more correctly stated, what he does not do, to what someone says he should do. This is for him to know and me to find out. Does that make sense? I don't need more information in my head, I need him in my head. Is that wrong? Should I be more informed? 

On my last post, Subrina asked me if I would resent my husband if he decided not to do this. I don't know the answer to this. I would like to think I wouldn't but going off what I'm feeling now, I'm not so sure. I will stand behind what I said though, I do not want this without him. I can live without this...I can... I think I can. 

Ugh! I need to know what he is thinking!!

How is he going to figure out what he thinks if he doesn't read about it? I sure as hell can't explain it all to him. 

Am I in too big of a hurry? I'm sure I am. It hasn't even been a week since I told him. He has told me to do a few things outside of our bedroom "activities" and I have done my best to do them without any complaints to show him I can do this and I want to do this. I think he might be testing the waters to make sure I'm serious. 

Another thing that has been getting to me, is that he jokes around about it. I'm going to do my best to explain this but without knowing us I don't know if I can. We joke, we make fun, we call each other names (all in fun), it is what we do. He will say something ridiculous and I tell him he's a doody head and vise versa. Usually, I'm a doody-head-face-girl :). I know it's childish but it makes me smile just talking about it. Getting off track again. Point is, him joking about this is not surprising, it's what we do. For me this is different. I feel vulnerable. I have told him more than once that I need him to be serious and when he jokes around I feel like he's making fun of me. 

Hold the phone! I think I might be on to something here. He is making fun of me! Before you get the wrong idea, he is not being mean. This is all coming together now. How to explain? Let's see. There are quite a few things that I once disliked but now I might be a little fond of. With each change in me, my husband has made fun of me! Some of these things he has wanted for years. It goes something like this:

"You like it! Hahahaha! I knew you would like it! Heheheheh!" At this point he usually smacks my ass or points at me and laughs.
I get defensive and say, "I do NOT." I pause while realizing I can't lie. "Okay, maybe a little." My eyes go right to the floor every time.
He laughs while saying, "That makes me happy" and/or "I like it a lot," and then the biggest grin stretches across his face.

It really is a great thing so I let him have his fun. 

What if that's what he is doing now?!! HE IS MAKING FUN BECAUSE HE IS HAPPY!!! I DONT KNOW WHY I'M SCREAMING! Holy shit! I think that's it! It has to be! I can't believe I haven't seen this until now. This whole time I've been wrapped up in myself and didn't stop to pay attention to him. *smack forehead*

See! I totally need this blog. I feel so much better. I'm going to tell him about it tonight.

He knows about my blog

Thought I would do a very quick post to let you guys know that I told him about my blog. The only thing he is worried about it taking up too much time so I'm going to have to be careful. I don't know if he wants to read it or not but I'm sure I will find out soon.

I wrote a post this morning and was saving it for when I told him about this blog, guess I don't have to wait :). Yay! 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Until next time...

I have come to realize a couple things.

First, is that I am completely okay with whatever my husband wants to do or doesn't want to do with this. I'm not saying I won't have fantasies, I'm saying that I don't want it if he doesn't. I do not want any of this without him. If he told me today that he would not take this further I would be disappointed and probably hurt but it's not D/s (or TTWD- whatever you want to call it) that I need, it is him that I need. I would be lost without him.

Second, I can't keep posting here without telling him. I haven't told him because I didn't want put so much on him all at once. Now, I feel like I'm doing something awful behind his back and I can't do it anymore. This realization is hard to deal with. For the first time in 20 years I'm not able to talk to my best friend and this has helped fill that void. Writing has truly helped me- I'm surprised by this because I'm a reader not a writer. I don't know when I will tell him but I want to do it soon because I think I stopping would be detrimental to my sanity.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The spot light is on

I've spent my entire life trying to be normal, to blend in, or go unnoticed. I am/was very good at it- well most of the time. Now, I feel like someone has opened me up and taken all these things, I've worked so hard to hide but never realized were there, and put a spot light on them for the world to see (hey, look at me I like to be cuffed, spanked, and have a dick shoved down my throat- omg is that me?). Of course, the reality is that I opened myself up, I have turned the light on, and as far as the "world" seeing me for what I am, that would be all of you and my husband :). 

I'm trying to accept all of this, accept me. How can I want this while I still haven't accepted it? 

I'm in a big world that I know very little about. It's scary and exciting. 

Oh and by the way, 12 years ago today was the first day I started dating my husband! I'm so happy I said yes, one of the best choices I've made.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Where we are now

Yesterday, I was a wreck! I kept wondering if I made an epic mistake that would ruin this great thing we have going on. I wanted to try to talk about it again and, at the same time, I wanted to ask him if we could just forget about it. I tried to keep my mind off of it but not even a 5 mile run would do the trick. I let my mind go to crazy places and I knew it was silly but come on, this is huge. 

He didn't bring it up until we were in bed but thank goodness he did. I did my best to clearly explain and I think we are closer to being on the same page. 

When I told him that I want him to use the control he uses in our bed outside of our bed he said, "That's all you were saying?!" Yes, you silly man! I like it when you tell me what to do and correct me when I don't! I also told him that I didn't want him to be a different person, I just want him to be him. I know he holds himself back from saying things in fear from hurting me and, up until recently, I liked that because I felt like I was winning. Many other things were said but I think you get the gist. 

I know we need to talk more about punishment but I think I'm going to give him some time before we go there.

I'm relieved but curious/worried about what is going through his head.  

Monday, August 19, 2013

Well, I did it...

It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. One thing is for sure, I'm not bringing it up again until he does... if he does.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

It all started with a spank

To explain properly, I think I need to start at the beginning.

When I was very young I was abused sexually, by someone close. This messed me up pretty bad. Over the years I have worked through my feelings. I screamed, cried, bitched, did drugs, had meaningless sex, and did a lot of stupid things. Even though I have worked through that, sex has remained to be a problem. You see, I'm good at meaningless sex and bad at meaningful sex. Once I start to care for someone my libido turns off. You can imagine my husbands chagrin. 

About 6 months ago, give or take, my husband and I were having sex and I asked him to spank me. I don't know what came over me I just knew I wanted it. He complied, and everything has gone up hill from there. Instead of feeling dirty, the kind of dirty that makes you want to take a shower with boiling water, I feel a refreshing, freeing kind of dirty. It's awesome! Extremely awesome! 

A couple months ago, I was searching the Internet for our first pair of cuffs and, of course, you can't do a search for cuffs without seeing something about D/s. I read about it and I was in shock. How could anyone submit themselves to someone!? It goes against everything society teaches us and it is the epitome of what my mom has taught me to avoid. It is still hard for me to understand because I have yet to engage in such activities, but I want to. Oh, do I want to. Well, I think I want to. Sometimes things in our head are different from reality and it is possible this could be one of them. 

I have written my husband a letter to let him know this is something I want to try. I have been holding onto it for awhile now but I think it is time to give it to him. I wanted to give it to him last night but I chickened out. I plan on giving it to him today but he woke up with a headache and don't think this is something I should put on him when he doesn't feel good. Maybe tonight he will feel better...