To explain properly, I think I need to start at the beginning.
When I was very young I was abused sexually, by someone close. This messed me up pretty bad. Over the years I have worked through my feelings. I screamed, cried, bitched, did drugs, had meaningless sex, and did a lot of stupid things. Even though I have worked through that, sex has remained to be a problem. You see, I'm good at meaningless sex and bad at meaningful sex. Once I start to care for someone my libido turns off. You can imagine my husbands chagrin.
About 6 months ago, give or take, my husband and I were having sex and I asked him to spank me. I don't know what came over me I just knew I wanted it. He complied, and everything has gone up hill from there. Instead of feeling dirty, the kind of dirty that makes you want to take a shower with boiling water, I feel a refreshing, freeing kind of dirty. It's awesome! Extremely awesome!
A couple months ago, I was searching the Internet for our first pair of cuffs and, of course, you can't do a search for cuffs without seeing something about D/s. I read about it and I was in shock. How could anyone submit themselves to someone!? It goes against everything society teaches us and it is the epitome of what my mom has taught me to avoid. It is still hard for me to understand because I have yet to engage in such activities, but I want to. Oh, do I want to. Well, I think I want to. Sometimes things in our head are different from reality and it is possible this could be one of them.
I have written my husband a letter to let him know this is something I want to try. I have been holding onto it for awhile now but I think it is time to give it to him. I wanted to give it to him last night but I chickened out. I plan on giving it to him today but he woke up with a headache and don't think this is something I should put on him when he doesn't feel good. Maybe tonight he will feel better...