Sunday, August 18, 2013

It all started with a spank

To explain properly, I think I need to start at the beginning.

When I was very young I was abused sexually, by someone close. This messed me up pretty bad. Over the years I have worked through my feelings. I screamed, cried, bitched, did drugs, had meaningless sex, and did a lot of stupid things. Even though I have worked through that, sex has remained to be a problem. You see, I'm good at meaningless sex and bad at meaningful sex. Once I start to care for someone my libido turns off. You can imagine my husbands chagrin. 


About 6 months ago, give or take, my husband and I were having sex and I asked him to spank me. I don't know what came over me I just knew I wanted it. He complied, and everything has gone up hill from there. Instead of feeling dirty, the kind of dirty that makes you want to take a shower with boiling water, I feel a refreshing, freeing kind of dirty. It's awesome! Extremely awesome! 


A couple months ago, I was searching the Internet for our first pair of cuffs and, of course, you can't do a search for cuffs without seeing something about D/s. I read about it and I was in shock. How could anyone submit themselves to someone!? It goes against everything society teaches us and it is the epitome of what my mom has taught me to avoid. It is still hard for me to understand because I have yet to engage in such activities, but I want to. Oh, do I want to. Well, I think I want to. Sometimes things in our head are different from reality and it is possible this could be one of them. 


I have written my husband a letter to let him know this is something I want to try. I have been holding onto it for awhile now but I think it is time to give it to him. I wanted to give it to him last night but I chickened out. I plan on giving it to him today but he woke up with a headache and don't think this is something I should put on him when he doesn't feel good. Maybe tonight he will feel better...









10 comments:

  1. Hi and welcome!!!!
    I think it's great that you've written Him a letter. Communication is key. (Not that I'm great at it, lol). I hope you have the opportunity to give it to him soon. The great thing about TTWD, is it is different for everyone. Make it what works best for you. Best of luck!!

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    1. Sarah, I was just going through some old posts and noticed that I never replied to you! And you were my first comment! Seriously, what kind of person am I? lol

      Thank you, Sarah, for your comment. Knowing what I know now, your advice couldn't have been better. Communication is key, and it's not easy. :)

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  2. Welcome to the D/s blogging world. It is very nice that you made that in writing. Though I saw your next post I am not quite sure what went wrong.
    Good luck.

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    1. Thanks David. We were not on the same page but I think things are coming together.

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  3. Welcome to Blogland.

    I would say that accepting how different what goes on in our minds can be from reality, puts you ahead of the game already.

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  4. Hi and welcome to blogland! We can definitely get reality and fantasy confused. I think it's great that you wrote him a letter, it can be scary but you will never get what you want if you don't ask. He might surprise you! Good luck!

    Subrina <3

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  5. I too was raised to be a very independent minded woman and never let a man have any control. It took quite a while for me to relearn this way of thinking. And yes...D/s looks very different in reality than in our head but with a lot of patience and work it can bring such intimacy to your marriage.

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    1. Thank you for this comment. It gives me more hope!

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  6. Misty,

    i too was abused as a child. Not by my father, but by the son of my parent's bestfriends, who lived four houses away.

    This was one of my issues with sex and my self esteem. I was then also raped by an ex the day I left him. Another factor that strengthened my low self esteem and sex issues.

    I've had very limited partners, and all has to do about trust, safe, and my own fucked up issues.
    I was sleeping with Sir before we went down this path, and what made me open minded and enjoy the sex was how he made me feel safe the first very time and took utter control. He was not aware about these two incidents in my past. When we went down this path i finally shared what had happened. He knew i could not stand being called baby, but had no idea why. He respected it without an explanation. When we discussed limits i told Him what aspects of age play i could not handle, why, and if He has the power i can't be subjected to it (like a party scene, etc, if we were to ever visit a club). Fast forward. i was struggling with letting go on an aspect i enjoy, but because the words He said, my mind set would split. i would be with Him and fighting past demons. We spoke about it, and i told Him essentially what i felt i needed. The next time, He did what i needed and wow, i was able to enjoy that scene more than i had before. It's the scene i ended up cummining 22 times.


    My point. There truly is something about letting go of your inhibitions, being vulnerable to your Dom, and trusting Him to help you get to where you want to be. That is the most rewarding part of all of this journey.

    Oh, i usually communicate via email when i'm opening up. it's easier to wipe out all that i want to convey.


    After reading a few of your posts, i wanted to share and hope it helps you.

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