On my last post, Subrina asked me if I would resent my husband if he decided not to do this. I don't know the answer to this. I would like to think I wouldn't but going off what I'm feeling now, I'm not so sure. I will stand behind what I said though, I do not want this without him. I can live without this...I can... I think I can.
Ugh! I need to know what he is thinking!!
How is he going to figure out what he thinks if he doesn't read about it? I sure as hell can't explain it all to him.
Am I in too big of a hurry? I'm sure I am. It hasn't even been a week since I told him. He has told me to do a few things outside of our bedroom "activities" and I have done my best to do them without any complaints to show him I can do this and I want to do this. I think he might be testing the waters to make sure I'm serious.
Another thing that has been getting to me, is that he jokes around about it. I'm going to do my best to explain this but without knowing us I don't know if I can. We joke, we make fun, we call each other names (all in fun), it is what we do. He will say something ridiculous and I tell him he's a doody head and vise versa. Usually, I'm a doody-head-face-girl :). I know it's childish but it makes me smile just talking about it. Getting off track again. Point is, him joking about this is not surprising, it's what we do. For me this is different. I feel vulnerable. I have told him more than once that I need him to be serious and when he jokes around I feel like he's making fun of me.
Hold the phone! I think I might be on to something here. He is making fun of me! Before you get the wrong idea, he is not being mean. This is all coming together now. How to explain? Let's see. There are quite a few things that I once disliked but now I might be a little fond of. With each change in me, my husband has made fun of me! Some of these things he has wanted for years. It goes something like this:
"You like it! Hahahaha! I knew you would like it! Heheheheh!" At this point he usually smacks my ass or points at me and laughs.
I get defensive and say, "I do NOT." I pause while realizing I can't lie. "Okay, maybe a little." My eyes go right to the floor every time.
He laughs while saying, "That makes me happy" and/or "I like it a lot," and then the biggest grin stretches across his face.
It really is a great thing so I let him have his fun.
What if that's what he is doing now?!! HE IS MAKING FUN BECAUSE HE IS HAPPY!!! I DONT KNOW WHY I'M SCREAMING! Holy shit! I think that's it! It has to be! I can't believe I haven't seen this until now. This whole time I've been wrapped up in myself and didn't stop to pay attention to him. *smack forehead*
See! I totally need this blog. I feel so much better. I'm going to tell him about it tonight.