Thursday, September 26, 2013

Before

Mr. S is very opinionated. Very opinionated. So much so that he tells me how the dishwasher should be loaded, how clothes should be washed, that every single driver needs to take drivers ed again (myself included), if he could he would tell the neighbors how to mow their yards, I could go on and on. There are very few things that he doesn't have an opinion on, so few that I'm having trouble remembering what those things are. I also think that I should make it clear that these opinions are not really opinions they are facts and they are the right only way, but for this post we will call them opinions. This is the man I married. I love this man. His opinions are not the problem.

Up until now I've blown off these opinions...

Oh you want me to put the bowl into the dishwasher like this? No, I don't think that's the best way. I'm going to load it like this. Then, I would disregard "the look" and would go about by business. 

Today, I told Mr. S multiple things that I thought he should change. I wanted to explain that when he does these things, the way he does them, that it creates more work for me. It didn't come out that way. I sounded ungrateful. He confirmed how I sounded by going through everything he does to help me all the while implying that I should be doing most of these things myself. I agree with him but I got defensive anyway. The problem is that when I do them I never do it the right way. When I do things I normally don't do I get all excited and I get a big head. I deflate when I get a "You should have done it this way" or "Why did you do that when I wasn't at home" or the worst "You should have just left it." To solve the problem I just stop doing those things. So, here he is complaining that I don't do these things but yet when I do them he complains about how I do them. I can never win! 

Back to topic. I told him that I will do these things but he needs to tell me exactly how he wants it done so I can do it properly. It sounded nice in my head but it came out like I was being a smart ass. I didn't want to offer in the first place (because it goes against my grain) and I was frustrated, so that's just how the words came out. 

He said somethings that hurt, true things. True things always hurt the worst. 

Something in me has switched. I care. I want him to be happy, more than I have ever wanted it, and it hurts that I don't make him happy. I feel like crap because I'm not able to do it right and the worst, most degrading part, is that he shouldn't have to tell me how to do it. He shouldn't have to because he has been telling me for years, I know what he wants, but yet I fail. 

This is new for me. Before I didn't care.

Before.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The New Glass Toy

I can now say that, without a doubt, you should add this toy to your collection.

I didn't really give much thought into what glass would feel like and I was surprised by the hardness of it, it's something I can't explain. It is also heavy which adds another element. 

I have used both sides and the blue side is a-mazing... I love it. 

At some point I'm sure this will go in my ass and, being that my ass is pretty inexperienced, I'm not sure if I should be excited or worried. It's not the size but the little ridges that run along the shaft that make me nervous. 

I also like that there is no batteries because, lets face it, batteries never die at the right time. I know that no batteries means no vibration (something I was worried about) but that's easly taken care of if you touch your vibrator to the glass toy- oooohhhh boooy! 

Mr. S had me sleep with it in last night and when I woke up thoughout the night it was hard not to notice the wetness dripping out of me; I think the heaviness came into play here. 

I can't wait to try it cold and warmed up.

There are so many possibilities with this toy! 

I think I should add that some caution should be used because it, obviously, doesn't move with your body like most toys. At one point Mr. S hit a nerve and I could feel it all down the back side of my leg, it didn't "hurt" but it did not feel good either. Has anyone had this happen?

I was expecting it to be a little bigger/longer but it hasn't made a difference in performance. 

All-in-all, me and my pussy are happy with this purchase.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Been Busy. Not In a Good Way.

I haven't written here because there is nothing to report. Well, unless you want to hear about diapers, cleaning, chasing kids, or lack of sleep; all very exciting things I assure you.

Seriously, I can't even say we have had sex in the past few days. It is quite depressing. This hasn't happened since that first spank. Mr. S and I are fine, we just have been super busy.

Tonight that changes... hopefully. 


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Lesson Learned

I talked to Mr. S last night. I should have talked to him when I first started to get upset. 

Mr. S told me that he does want more (awesome), he is extremely happy (yay), that these things take time (damn it), I laugh at him when he tells me what to do and that makes him feel stupid (read below), and he doesn't just want this because I want it (phew!).

I laughed because I thought he was joking. I feel so bad! It's not what he said it is how he said it. And to top it off it has happened multiple times. I really had no clue he was being serious. I laugh at the worst times. 

Lesson 1. If you are questioning anything, talk about it.
Lesson 2. Don't laugh unless you know, without a doubt, that is the right time to laugh.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

A Happy Thought

I got my new toy today in the mail! Be assured that I will be having fun tonight despite my wonderings. 

A Fish Swimming in Sand

If you happen to look over here and see a sandpit, there is probably a fish trying to swim through it. That fish would be me. Swimming out of water would be too easy.

I know I need to talk to Mr. S. I don't know why it is so hard.

I had the perfect opertunity last night. I was reading an email, I started to laugh and Mr. S asked what I was reading. This is the part where I should have said, "It is an email from a girl who's blog I read and she is giving me some advice." He would've asked what kind of advice and then I could have talked to him about how I've been feeling. That is not the way it happened. I told him I was reading nothing. I know! You don't have to tell me what a huge mistake that was. He knows I was reading something, obviously, and he said, "Why do you have a hard time talking to me? You let me put my mouth on your pussy." I responded with, "Because my thoughts are more personal than that." That was the end of the conversation.

Feelings from my last post are lingering and haunting me. However, I'm so very thankful for the advice I was given! I will continue to try to be pleasing and I will strive to be more patient in hopes that I am wrong.

I can speculate all day about what he wants and it will lead right back to where I am now. The only way to find out is to talk to him. 

This damn sand sucks.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Let Down

I am tired. 

I am tired of wondering if Mr. S will give me what I want. 

The sex is awesome, better than awesome, it is superlicious. Sure, I want more but I'm very happy with where we are at.

The rest is a different story. 

I hate to say this but I think Mr. S only wants this to be a sex thing. I know, I know. It has only been a month (a few days shy of a month) but I see no sign of him wanting this outside of sex. 

I stand by what I said before, that I know he is capable of this, but does he want to? I don't think he does.

I have been trying to be encouraging without being painstakingly obvious or pushy. I do what he asks, I let him touch me when he wants to and where he wants to, I try to be respectful when I talk to him, I've been paying more attention to the little comments he makes about things he likes and doesn't like so I can comply, I'm trying to be subish. He hasn't asked any of this of me nor do I think he should have to. But, right now, I feel like all of it has been to no avail. I want to do all of this, and more, because I want this life but I feel like I'm getting nothing back. No, scratch that, I'm getting more sex... but I want more. I have built up this image of how I should act but it is only in my head. He could care less. I'm living one life in my head and another in reality. 

I am so stupid.

I am tired and I am done. 

He knows what I want and what I have offered, I will not tell him what to do, so it is out of my hands. If I can only have this in a sexual way then that is what I will take, as I don't really have a choice. I will make no effort outside of our bedroom. 

Does it hurt? Yes. I put myself out there when I asked him for this. I opened myself up to all these fucking emotions for nothing. I could have kept my mouth shut and still had the great sex. 

I might feel differently tomorrow.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

On Cloud 9

Nothing can bring me down today!! 

Mr. S has taken very good care of me (and my pussy) this weekend. 

I am getting a new toy (it will be here Tues)...


I also got the courage to try on my pre-pregnancy jeans this morning and a lot of them fit!!!! Yay me!!!! 


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

No, Not That!

Mr. S is out f town, again, and he wants to have phone sex.

Out of all the things he picks one thing I am so not good at. Out of all the things! 

You'd think this would be simple. 

It's not that I'm not willing, I'm just not good at talking. I mean how many times can you say that it feels good?

This is probably going to go down in the Guinness World Records for the worst phone sex ever.

Monday, September 9, 2013

He Likes to Bite

This isn't really new to me but he has been doing it a lot more and I think I'm beginning to realize just how much he likes it. I've got the bruises to prove it; on my inner thighs, on my ass, on my upper arms, and I'm sure I have at least one on the back of my neck. I'm surprised there's none on my stomach- ouch, ouch, ouch. 

I have mixed feelings about biting (surprise, surprise). When I know he is going to bite me I tense and sometimes I even cry out before his lips touches me. What's up with that? Smh. During the bite, it hurts, bad, and I have this urge to rip him off me and bite his nose. I try to stay still but it is so hard, impossible most of the time, so that just makes it worse. Then, there's after. *sigh* The after is very... interesting. I feel like I have enough adrenaline to send me to the moon. I can't control my breathing. I'm completely gone. 

I do not like the bruises on my arms but I like the others because when I feel them or see them it reminds me of Mr. S and it sends something (I don't know what) to my nether regions (yes, I said nether regions. I can't make my fingers type anything else, okay!). 

Oh, and I thought I'd share, I am now a dirty slut that likes her ass full, or that's what Mr. S tells me. He might or might not be right. ;)



I. Am. A. Dork.

I can't help but laugh at myself. 

Yesterday, in the span of 5 hours I went from frustrated, to angry, then self pity, and finally happyness.  

Our morning started out with our oldest sleeping between us (she has a special talent for crawling onto our bed without waking us up) so there was no cuddling, fondling, what have you. I didn't realize it at the time but I now see that is how I became frustrated. I wanted him to touch me. I really didn't care what kind of a touch it was, a hug would have sufficed. 

I tried to get him to sit down on the couch and have coffee with me, if only to sit beside him, but no go, he had things to do. Things that had to be done yesterday because he is working out of town again this week. So I was totally unjustified in getting angry. I thought I was keeping it all hidden but turns out Mr. S knew something was wrong. Then, I got the "woe is me" feeling. I just want a hug. He can't even sit with me for one minute. I'm going to be alone all week and I can't even get a slap on the butt. You know, that kind of stuff. 

I was making lunch, the girls were playing, and he finally touched me. It was a fondling, what have you kind of touch. I was much better after that and quickly realized how ridiculous I was being. A whole morning of emotions over a touchYep, (*raises hand*) I am the dork.

Embrasing the dorkyness in me.


Saturday, September 7, 2013

So You All Say to Embrace This

I've been thinking a lot about my last post and Lil's most recent post, click here to read it, if you haven't already.

This is the way I see it, I can fight all these feelings and crawl deeper into myself away from Mr. S, I can try to go back to the way things where before, or I can listen to all of you.

I could do the first, it would be comfortable, but I would be nothing, no one, empty. The second isn't an option. Which leaves my third option. 

I will do my best to be open and honest with Mr. S, and if that means leaving myself vulnerable so be it. I will try to embrace and enjoy all of this. I will try to forget what I have to loose and remember what I have to gain. 

I trust Mr. S with my kids lives and I will trust him everything that I am; my mind/body/soul is nothing compared to my kids lives. 

It will not be easy but when has anything of worth been easy to achieve?

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Feelings, feelings, go away. Come again another day?

These past few days I've been feeling... weird. I can't put my finger on one particular thing.

I feel like I'm on a precipice. Maybe because I'm not in a vanilla world anymore and I'm not fully in a D/s world either.

I surmise that I am leaving something behind or gaining something, by entering this new life. I'm leaning toward the former. I do believe that what I feel, what I want, has been there all along; it just waited to manifest itself until I was ready. So, if I'm not gaining, what am I loosing?

I have been feeling things that I have never felt and things I haven't felt in many years. I'm good at blocking feelings out, I have been for a long time, but now I can't stop them. To make it worse, I can't rein them in to get a grasp on what they all mean because I've had no practice at this (my practice was to ignore them). It's almost as if, by admitting that this is me, I have knocked down the Berlin Wall and by doing so my feelings are free to roam. I don't like letting things in, it interferes with my procedure. 

The funny part to all of this is that I don't know if I want the Berlin Wall back up. 


I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what is happening to me. 


See! I'm crying right now. What is this?!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Mr. S is Home and All is Right

It was late on Friday when Mr. S got home, I was asleep but as soon as I felt him next to me a calmness spread through me and I slept great for the first time in days. 

Saturday, I was expecting to be used and I was, just not in the way I expected. When does it ever happen the way we expect? (I'm debating on explaining in detail but I don't think I'm ready to share more of the deeper moments I have with Mr. S, yet.) What was so unexpected? I now enjoy something that Mr. S has been trying to get me to enjoy for quite some time now. Go me! It was intense. What is even more surprising is that, even though I was enjoying myself very much, most of the intensity came from knowing he was getting something he wanted. IT WAS AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC! Is that how all of you feel when you know you are pleasing? 

Sunday, we did more of the unexpected and then we talked. Which put an even bigger smile on my face. He went online! After he tells me this he says,"It sounds like a lot of work." Not what I wanted to hear but at least he wasn't calling me a lunatic. I tried to explain that he is already half way there (well, in my eyes he is). He just has to unleash what is inside of him; it is there, I see it. I have never questioned if he could do this, the question has always been does he want to do this. I also got the courage to tell him that I want to be his and I want to be what he wants me to be. That led us to talking about punishment and "doing as he sees fit." Needless to say I think we are still doing fine. 

Monday, I made a mistake. One I have made many times before, but now, obviously, things are different. We were driving, it was raining, he was zooming down the road, and I might have said, in a not so nice way, to slow down. What was I to do? He looks over at me and says,"You remember that." Oopsy! Later that night he brings it up. In all honesty, I thought he would forget about it and, being the honest girl I am, I told him so, he tells me that he never forgets he just doesn't say anything after the fact. Great, just great (can you feel my sarcasm?). I laugh because I really don't think he will do anything about it, he laughs back and says, "I think I'm close to pure euphoria right now." In my 12 years of knowing him, I don't think I have ever heard him use the word, much less when he is talking about himself. My heart beats with joy and stops with fear but I still didn't think he would do anything about it. Later, after we were done doing more of the lovely unexpected and being bitten in new places, which was pretty awesome, I felt quite brave and said, "I guess I should tell you how to drive more often." He says, something to the effect, that he hasn't taken care of that yet, and within seconds he was asleep. At first, I felt a little let down but then I got to thinking. Even though he didn't do anything he was thinking about it and isn't that a step in the right direction? Maybe he isn't ready for that yet. That step has to be a big one and as long as we are going in that direction I don't think I should be in a hurry to get there.