I feel like I'm on a precipice. Maybe because I'm not in a vanilla world anymore and I'm not fully in a D/s world either.
I surmise that I am leaving something behind or gaining something, by entering this new life. I'm leaning toward the former. I do believe that what I feel, what I want, has been there all along; it just waited to manifest itself until I was ready. So, if I'm not gaining, what am I loosing?
I have been feeling things that I have never felt and things I haven't felt in many years. I'm good at blocking feelings out, I have been for a long time, but now I can't stop them. To make it worse, I can't rein them in to get a grasp on what they all mean because I've had no practice at this (my practice was to ignore them). It's almost as if, by admitting that this is me, I have knocked down the Berlin Wall and by doing so my feelings are free to roam. I don't like letting things in, it interferes with my procedure.
I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what is happening to me.
See! I'm crying right now. What is this?!