Thursday, September 5, 2013

Feelings, feelings, go away. Come again another day?

These past few days I've been feeling... weird. I can't put my finger on one particular thing.

I feel like I'm on a precipice. Maybe because I'm not in a vanilla world anymore and I'm not fully in a D/s world either.

I surmise that I am leaving something behind or gaining something, by entering this new life. I'm leaning toward the former. I do believe that what I feel, what I want, has been there all along; it just waited to manifest itself until I was ready. So, if I'm not gaining, what am I loosing?

I have been feeling things that I have never felt and things I haven't felt in many years. I'm good at blocking feelings out, I have been for a long time, but now I can't stop them. To make it worse, I can't rein them in to get a grasp on what they all mean because I've had no practice at this (my practice was to ignore them). It's almost as if, by admitting that this is me, I have knocked down the Berlin Wall and by doing so my feelings are free to roam. I don't like letting things in, it interferes with my procedure. 

The funny part to all of this is that I don't know if I want the Berlin Wall back up. 


I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what is happening to me. 


See! I'm crying right now. What is this?!

12 comments:

  1. Submission, for me, brought to the surface all the reasons I felt I had to have control in my life. It left me vulnerable and that can be a scary feeling. But it is an important part of the process of change:)

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    1. Vulnerability makes me cringe. I will trust you that it is important but I'm not going to like it. :) :(
      Thank you.

      Delete
  2. As Sir told me when we first started talking about going down this path, it brings all insecurities and emotional baggage to the forefront. That is what is happening to you. Embrace it, learn from it, take it a step at a time, as sub frenzy is going to play a part of these feelings for the next few months.

    Just let go, embrace it, and have fun! *HUGS*

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    1. I'm so glad this is not just me! In fact, I don't think "glad" is the right sentiment, maybe ecstatic is the word I'm looking for.

      When I read your words to embrace this, it makes me want to run, lol, but I do want this so I will do my best.

      Delete
  3. Its scary and overwhelming when we venture in ttwd, its exciting, addictive and all these emotions together can get too much...we wander how far we will go?, what if goes wrong..etc etc

    But all of this is normal, just try to let it go and enjoy the journey.


    x

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    1. You are reading my mind aren't you?

      Delete
  4. Hi Misty!

    I'm sorry that you are feeling "weird", but I think it's all pretty normal. You have built up all of these walls your entire life, NOW you and Mr.S are tearing them down. Of course it's scary....you're exposed, vulnerable and in waters you have never chartered before. The unknown is very scary....but in the end you will be thankful for it.

    I'm sorry, I am talking like I have all of this experience. I am pretty new to this as well....but I do remember in the beginning that I was so scared and nervous. I have always been the one in control, made the decisions, the leader and I felt safe and comfortable. Then something came over me and I didn't want it anymore, but I didn't really know how to NOT be that person. So I went to hubby and asked him for TTWD or D/s. It hasn't been easy, it's very difficult to have hid behind these walls your whole life and now you're standing there naked...so exposed. Hell yes it's scary.

    I absolutely agree with His Slut...embrace it, enjoy it and trust Mr. S that he will be there to guide you. And like I always tell you....we're all here for you. This is one of THE most amazing places (blogland). Where else can you be honest and open, get some great advice and support, nobody ever judges you and yet you've never met any of them??!!!!

    Subrina <3

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    1. Thank you so much. I will take all the advice I can get!

      Every comment I get makes me feel a little better and more normal :).

      Delete
  5. Misty,

    Hugs! You're not alone in the 'weirdness' of this.

    But in my experience, what is so powerful and intimate about a D/s/TTWD duo is the intense emotions it is capable of bringing out and focusing on.
    Its scary, that's true.
    But what can be gained by learning to be un-shielded and very, very naked, is so very much worth it.

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    1. I think that's what I need to keep my eyes on, what I can gain.

      Thank you

      Delete


  6. Great post Misty! When you said you have always been good at blocking out feelings but now you can't stop them, you described me perfectly! In the last couple months I have started to get incredibly emotional after serious D/S play. Recently I started bawling during sex!! I am not a crier and I was absolutely horrified. After analyzing it later I realize that my emotions need a release and this seems to be the best way to allow that. It is terrifying though...

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    1. Terrifying is right!!!

      Thanks for taking the time to stop by!

      Delete

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