I am tired of wondering if Mr. S will give me what I want.
The sex is awesome, better than awesome, it is superlicious. Sure, I want more but I'm very happy with where we are at.
The rest is a different story.
I hate to say this but I think Mr. S only wants this to be a sex thing. I know, I know. It has only been a month (a few days shy of a month) but I see no sign of him wanting this outside of sex.
I stand by what I said before, that I know he is capable of this, but does he want to? I don't think he does.
I have been trying to be encouraging without being painstakingly obvious or pushy. I do what he asks, I let him touch me when he wants to and where he wants to, I try to be respectful when I talk to him, I've been paying more attention to the little comments he makes about things he likes and doesn't like so I can comply, I'm trying to be subish. He hasn't asked any of this of me nor do I think he should have to. But, right now, I feel like all of it has been to no avail. I want to do all of this, and more, because I want this life but I feel like I'm getting nothing back. No, scratch that, I'm getting more sex... but I want more. I have built up this image of how I should act but it is only in my head. He could care less. I'm living one life in my head and another in reality.
I am so stupid.
I am tired and I am done.
He knows what I want and what I have offered, I will not tell him what to do, so it is out of my hands. If I can only have this in a sexual way then that is what I will take, as I don't really have a choice. I will make no effort outside of our bedroom.
Does it hurt? Yes. I put myself out there when I asked him for this. I opened myself up to all these fucking emotions for nothing. I could have kept my mouth shut and still had the great sex.
I might feel differently tomorrow.