Monday, September 16, 2013

Let Down

I am tired. 

I am tired of wondering if Mr. S will give me what I want. 

The sex is awesome, better than awesome, it is superlicious. Sure, I want more but I'm very happy with where we are at.

The rest is a different story. 

I hate to say this but I think Mr. S only wants this to be a sex thing. I know, I know. It has only been a month (a few days shy of a month) but I see no sign of him wanting this outside of sex. 

I stand by what I said before, that I know he is capable of this, but does he want to? I don't think he does.

I have been trying to be encouraging without being painstakingly obvious or pushy. I do what he asks, I let him touch me when he wants to and where he wants to, I try to be respectful when I talk to him, I've been paying more attention to the little comments he makes about things he likes and doesn't like so I can comply, I'm trying to be subish. He hasn't asked any of this of me nor do I think he should have to. But, right now, I feel like all of it has been to no avail. I want to do all of this, and more, because I want this life but I feel like I'm getting nothing back. No, scratch that, I'm getting more sex... but I want more. I have built up this image of how I should act but it is only in my head. He could care less. I'm living one life in my head and another in reality. 

I am so stupid.

I am tired and I am done. 

He knows what I want and what I have offered, I will not tell him what to do, so it is out of my hands. If I can only have this in a sexual way then that is what I will take, as I don't really have a choice. I will make no effort outside of our bedroom. 

Does it hurt? Yes. I put myself out there when I asked him for this. I opened myself up to all these fucking emotions for nothing. I could have kept my mouth shut and still had the great sex. 

I might feel differently tomorrow.


10 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) . I think you may want to do more research on this subject matter. this isn't about your wants, this is about your need. your need to serve him. be what he needs and wants. you are both nee to this, so it may take him a bit to take it past the bedroom. just keep doing what you are doing-submitting to him. he is in control, not you. That means it is all on his time table.


    also, you are having sub frenzy. this is normal. I had it, and I went crazy. I have an experienced Dom too. Yes, I don't get to see him often, but doesn't mean he can't still control me. He has started to slowly give me more mandates, etc to help my mindset when we are not together. i'm grateful after i calm down and realize this is a learning experience for me. I'm learning about myself and use it to better our relationship.

    just take it a day at a time. he will come around. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My thoughts as I read this...
      I don't need this; I need water, air, food. Do I need it to thrive? Damn it, she is right. Shit.

      I really don't want to 'need' this.

      Thank you for the advice, even though it kind of slapped me in the face, lol. It was a slap I needed.

      Delete
  2. Don't despair. There is a lot of distance between the bedroom and everywhere else. Lots of habits and attitudes to change. You will look back later and be glad you didn't rush. A solid foundation in the bedroom is important. It is where you come back to every night. Change takes longer for some people and it may not happen at your pace. Keep doing those little things for him. focus on tasks not a big goal. You don't need to tell him, but you can ask.

    hugs
    DF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having a strong foundation makes sense. I will try to stay focused on the "now."

      Thank you!

      Delete
  3. Misty!

    I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and sometimes I feel like I'm still there. You have to remember this is all new to him. He probably isn't sure HOW to act outside of the bedroom. Guys take longer to process things. I did EXACTLY what you are doing....I had this image in my head of how we we're going to live, how each of us was going to act. And then when it didn't happen that way I would get mad, bitchy and frustrated. I turned to blog land for help and everyone told me the same thing their telling you....be patient! I posted about this very topic back in February....called Patience!

    I'm sooo sorry that you are feeling like this. But you really do need to be patient and let things happen. You truly are on his time, you need to let him lead. I know sometimes it feels like you are in this alone and the more you submit the less Dominance you are getting. Remember, this is new!!!! He will find his place and you both will find your grove, just give it some time. Keep reaching out, keep asking questions, keep communicating with Mr. S, keep telling him what you want...it will get better. If he said that he's on board and willing to live this lifestyle, give him a change to adjust and make the changes.

    And most of all enjoy the great sex!

    Subrina <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

      I just wish I could see that he does want more...

      Delete
  4. Misty, I don't know if I have much else to add with all the great feedback you have already gotten.

    I guess I would just reiterate to be patient with him...and yourself. This is a journey, not a sprint to a finish line. You are much further ahead in your mindset and he needs a chance to catch up. If he is just spreading his Dom wings...he needs to build confidence in what he is doing and your reactions.

    Take a deep breath and things most likely will look differently tomorrow.

    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I will take all the advice I can get!

      I do feel a little better today, especially after reading comments, but I still am questioning what he wants.

      Delete
  5. You have plenty of good advice here not much i can add.

    You said it yourself its early days yet, your both adjusting, give it time...and oh yes sub frenzy is a bitch....lol

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Sub frenzy is a bitch" You can say that again!

      Delete

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