Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Thanks A Lot (Feel My Sarcasm?)

I GET IT! Communication matters! Go on, keep laughing at me, it's okay.

However, I'm not so sure I'm going to like the things that communication brings... but I will, in a way, maybe, but maybe not. 

For instance, if I happen to tell Mr. S that I want to be tied up to the point that I can't move and he happens to oblige, my payment might be a cock in my ass without lube (is that even possible? Don't answer that because I don't want to know.). Nope, not liking that thought at all. I've been warned this is a possibility (um, wasn't I just talking about possibilities).

Maybe, I tell him some issues I have with my dad, it's likely that will end up with me calling him Daddy. You just wait and see, it's going to happen, I can feel it, my pussy feels it too, however we do not agree on the outcome. (Not ready to share more details about this one yet)

For my last example, let's say that I tell him nothing matters besides what he wants, that might end up with my tits being smacked, not so softly, with the crop, over and over in the same spot, if I fail to keep rubbing his cock (no matter if I have a vibrating butt plug in my ass, while holding a vibrator on my clit, and him pulling my nipples). Oh wait... that one I enjoyed.

I want to hug all of you for telling me to communicate but I would advise you not to get too close to me in case I decide to strangle you for not telling me this could happen... oh poop, you did tell me didn't you.

Seriously, I do want to thank all of you for talking about how communication matters, it really does make a difference, even if it has a not-so-pleasant outcome, it seems like it will help me get exactly what I want.

P.S. Mr. S is going to have a new name soon; he's not the same man and he needs a new one. Maybe "The Mean One" will work :), kidding... kind of. 

Monday, October 28, 2013

Glorious Pain

I'm starting to think I might be a masochist. 

Mr. S got some nipple clamps as a surprise (which was very sweet), they hurt, bad, like can't stay still but don't move too much because your nipples might come off kind of hurt, but oh the glorious pain. 

The clamps have a chain that has some weight to it, so there's that too. 

"Put the chain in your mouth"

I'm not going to lie, I hesitated, but I did it. 

"You're such a sexy whore"

I attempted to lean my head back, I didn't get far, but oh the glorious pain that shot through my body. He was working on other areas of me in a way that would normally arch my back and stretch my head back, my body naturally tried to do just that, despite what my mind already knew, again, I didn't make it very far, but oh the glorious pain. It went on like that for a time, back and forth, a never ending circle of pain and pleasure.

Each time he took them off, oh the glorious pain. Each time he put them back on, oh the glorious pain. The last time he put them on -my legs spread, knees in the air, hands gripping the sheets at my sides- the pain was intense, no matter how hard I tried I was not able to stay still. I knew the chain would pull my nipples if I moved my upper body so I somehow managed to keep the movement to my lower half, my body seeking for anything to touch my pussy. It was almost too much, almost, but oh the glorious pain. 

The next morning he pulled on my sore nipples and oh the glorious pain. Our girls woke up so going further was not an option, however, even those few pulls managed to make me wet. 

 Like I said, I might be a masochist.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Possibilities...

I like what that word has to offer, don't you?

little girl was replying to a comment I left on a post of hers when she mentioned possibilities and it got me thinking about my possibilities.

Just over two months ago the possibilities in my relationship with Mr. S were few, and much less, if there were any at all, a year ago. This thing we do has opened up windows and doors for me and for us. Who will I be a few months from now, a year from now, five years from now, the possibilities are endless. This thing we do has opened my eyes to see the possibility of what could change, not that everything will change, such as my limits, but I see the potential for change. 

I have found that I'm excited to live, and grow, and fuck, and love, and feel, and be me. There was not much of any of that before this thing we do. 

Possibilities have no limits and limits have possibilities and that, right there my friends, is what makes life exciting.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Just In Case

I was watching a cartoon with my girls this morning and something they were talking about sparked a thought in me, or a question really. 

Am I a hoarder of psychological walls? 

Bear with me here.

A hoarder holds onto many items for one reason or another, mostly, I would think, they hold onto an item because it has a sentimental value or just in case they might need it one day.

Is that what I've been doing with these walls, have I been holding onto them just in case I might need them one day? 

For instance, this wall of not needing, I haven't needed it since I stop talking to my dad 13ish years ago, yet it is still there, tightly locked away. I don't want to throw it away because what if I need it again. What if?!?!

I wonder if hoarders feel like I feel now, when people try to make them throw away their things. I am hugging this wall tight, screaming and fighting for it. I feel like part if me is being taken away against  my will. Except it is me that is taking it away from me. 

Am I aloud to put it in storage for awhile or do I really have to throw it away? Maybe I could add a door with a lock and give Mr. S the key, so he is the only one that can get through... or maybe it could have a lock and padlocks.... or maybe a lock, padlocks, and one of those fancy iris scanner locks. 

Would that be okay? Truly! I need to hold onto it, just in case.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Now I'm a Communicator... Kind Of

A few weeks ago I found a, somewhat, used notebook and in it, I wrote a few things to Mr. S. I didn't know if he would ever read it but I still wrote what I couldn't say. I wrote about a lie I told him because I was to embarrassed to be honest. I copied a post, I have yet to publish, that I wrote over a month ago. I wrote ideas, likes, and some wrongs that I've done. I have to say that it felt good to write those things instead of keeping them locked up, like I normally do. It's interesting how easy it is to say things with my fingers instead of my mouth.

I told him that I was writing in the notebook for him and that I wanted him to read it but he didn't have to. A week or so would go by and I would mention it again, trying not to be pushy. Three weeks later he reads it (this was a few days ago).

He seemed pretty pleased at what I wrote. It sparked a few conversations over the day, one probably turned my face red but I forced myself to talk about it, kind of. Hey, "kind of" is better than nothing right? Another, the last, was about punishment, and all of you know how that ended. 

Seeing that the notebook worked so well, I started another blog just for him. I think it will be easier than the notebook; he'll be able to read it on his phone and being here is familiar to me so I think that will help.

Also, it is a possibility that Mr. S is going to start reading this blog as well. I'm not sure I'm happy with this but I'm not going to stop him so it is what it is. I told him that I really didn't want him to read here because it would effect what I say, his solution is that he is not going to tell me when/if he reads it, but I'm sure at some point I will say something that he will have to comment on. We will see.

I might just have to write something kinky to see if that gets me a comment. :)





Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Needing Needs

Before I go into this I want to let you know that I realize this is a serious problem. Like I probably need a therapist type of problem but I've been through things like this before and I will get through this. I'm just going through the hardest part right now.

A few times now some people have made comments along the lines of "It's not about wants, it's about what I need," I'm not sure if it was the first or second time it got through my thick skull but to be honest, I kind of let it go, and I just accepted it not really thinking it through. Yes, I guess, in a way, I do need this. And that was that.

Then I hear it again yesterday, twice. Then, BAM! My past punches me in the face. It all boils down to my dad (I don't think there is one area of my life that this man has not affected). I truly thought I had worked through everything he fucked up but seems as if that is never going to happen.

It starts with my dad not being around to watch me grow up (there's a lot more to it then what I'm saying here but I hope it's enough to make my point) and how bad that hurt me, in order to deal with that pain I made myself believe that I didn't need a father. As time went on, and I went though other things, that turned into me thinking I didn't need anyone, and  as more time went on it turned into me not needing anyone or anything. It wasn't something I did consciously. In fact I didn't know it was there until yesterday.

Looking back it seems so obvious that I have always believed that I didn't need anything more than air, food, water, and sleep. I didn't know... I didn't know I thought that way. Fuck. I hate this. I have dealt with so much, and worked through so much, on my own because I didn't need help from anyone. I had the "what could you possibly do for me" attitude. I was wrong all along.

I see now that I need more than those few physical needs but my mind is fighting it. I can literally feel myself fighting this. I really don't want to believe that I need anything or anyone because that means I'm dependent and needy. It's hard to admit that I need something or someone that could, at any moment, be taken from me. It's hard to admit that I might need punishment because what if Mr. S doesn't like it. See! Read back over that last sentence, did you notice that I said that I "might" need it? I can't even type that I _____ it. I can't do it. I know it is likely but I'm not accepting it.

I don't want to need anything. I want to be okay no matter what I have or don't have. But *sigh* I do need. I have needs and I need to have needs because without them...

DAMN IT! FUCK! SHIT!

I need a drink.


Discombobulated

I have so much to say but I don't know where to begin and where to end. My mind is all discombobulated and I cant make sense of... myself. I've been through times like this before- when something smacks punches me in the face and turns my world around- and I will get through it just as I have before.

I'm learning about myself, just like I've learned not to put the cumin next to the cinnamon on the spice rack... it's not a pleasant learning experience.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Punishment

I've been having an internal conflict, okay it's possible that there is more than one conflict in my mind but I only want to talk about one at the moment.

Punishment... I want it. 

See, that right there. What is that? Who says they want to be punished? I know some of you have to want it, on some level, don't you? 

I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it? 

The topic came up yesterday with Mr. S. I tried to explain why I think it would be good for me and I think he understands my thinking and sees my point. Kind of exciting.

Then I ask if he wants it too -damn my mouth. He said that we can try it. I hate when he does that; he answers but doesn't answer my question. 

"But do you want to," I ask. 

"I'm willing to try for you."

This is exactly what I don't want. I want him to have a want to do it. 

So, I told him that I don't want it. 

I really don't want him to do it just for me. But... damn it... I do want it. 

Gesh, I sound like a nut job. 

I think this is so hard for me because everything else we do, he wants to do it and it seems natural for him. This is a whole other level, I get that, but I feel like I'm pressuring him and taking advantage of him. 

So, at this point, I'm pissed at myself because if I hadn't asked if he wanted it we would be headed in the direction I want. Now, that I opened my big mouth, we aren't. 

I'm inclined to ask advice but I'm afraid that you are all going to say I overreacted, not that you wouldn't be right, I just don't want to hear it, lol.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A Moment From His Dirty Little Whore

I'm going to try something new here, forgive me if I completely mess it up, as I am sure to do so because I'm a nervous wreck. I knew when I woke up this morning that I would write this post; the decision has been made, I just need to figure out how to make my fingers say what my mind is thinking. 

So how is the weather where you are? It's cold here, too cold for my Texan blood, but I've been living here for awhile now and I've acclimated more than I would like to admit to.

Are you doing anything interesting this weekend? I know Subrina is. Mr. S and I are going to celebrate my husbands parents 40th Anniversary. 

Damn, I can't think think of anything else that will prolong this. Here goes nothing...

I'm not sure how long it was after he took the clothes pins off my nipples that he told me to roll onto my stomach. I don't think it was very long but I was somewhere else, oblivious to time.  

My legs were closed, laying flat but with my ass lifted, when he found his way inside me. I was more than ready.

He used our new crop on my back and shoulders, it felt wonderful. A few times he tapped my cheek and I could smell the leather, which just pushed me further away from this world into the next.

Time escaped me.

He pulled out of me and had me spread my legs, pushing my knees under my hips, before he entered me again. This time the hits from the crop were packed with sting and, even though I wanted more, I couldn't stop from wriggling each time it smacked me. I really liked each time the crop found the outside of my hips and thighs, however, when he smacked my face with it, I boarded a rocket ship and went to soaring to another planet. He might have only hit my face once, could have been twice, maybe more; no matter how hard I try I can't remember. I also don't remember if it hurt but I know it was much harder than the previous taps (no marks were left).

Again, time escaped me.

He put the crop down and put both index fingers in my mouth so they were pulling the corners of my mouth but were laying on top of my tongue (picture a bit gag but with fingers). It was uncomfortable but my pussy didn't mind at all and, in turn, I stayed still so he could do what he wished.

My back or neck, I don't remember which, started to ache so I tried to move, it was impossible with him behind me and his fingers pulling my head back. Once I realized this, I was gone again, lost on that foreign planet that is becoming more familiar to me. 

I faintly remember trying to cry out and not being able to. He was also talking to me but what he said is lost to me, maybe that I was a good dirty little whore- which does something to me that I can't explain, even typing now it makes my pussy muscles tighten. 

He finished and I came back to this world, leaving that wonderful planet behind. Even though I hadn't moved much after he told me to roll over, I was sweaty, panting, and unable to move... all I could do was smile.

I still haven't stopped smiling.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Apple Pie Anyone?

Mr. S is definitely turning over a new leaf. He has been more vocal about his dislikes of things I do; not that he wasn't vocal before but now he says it with purpose. I've been thinking that I failed at over thinking the daily aspect of TTWD and succeeded in over thinking the sexual part

Last night, Mr. S said that he thinks he might like breath play (FYI he doesn't think, he knows) and wondered if I would like it too. A couple times he has held is hand over my face so I couldn't breathe, it was fast but, to be honest, it was... disconcerting- I think that might be the whole point, is it not? For the most part I am willing to do it and maybe, even, like it, a little. There is another part that is agreeing to this because I don't want to tell him no (I worry that it would set him us back). All-in-all, I do enjoy being able to breathe freely but for him to have that kind of control over me... :)  

Having said that, why is it so easy to say yes to sexual stuff (not that everything would be easy to say yes to) but yet it is so hard to make sure all the clothes are turned right side out before they are put in the washer or have dinner planned more than an hour before I'm supposed to start on it (okay, okay, it's a good day if I have it figured out 30 min before I start). What can I say, I'm no Susie homemaker but I can make a gosh darn good apple pie, does that make up for it?

I'm sure that if Mr. S was punishing me I wouldn't be able to sit down right now, so maybe it's a good thing that we are not there yet... and that I'm making an apple pie today.





Monday, October 14, 2013

So Embarrassing

I threw up. Not on him, but it was close. Thank goodness he finished because there is no way I would have been able to put him back in my mouth. 

I need to dig a hole to hide in for awhile, does anyone have a shovel I can use?

I have nothing else to say.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Burnt Toast

 
This is what your toast will look like if you starting thinking dirty thoughts (mainly about what one might do to you when he gets home in 2ish days) and forget about the bread in the toaster oven. 

I can't wait for Mr. S to get home.








Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Just Sayin'

I'm riding the stationary bike at the gym waiting for yoga to start thinking about my blog. I feel an urge to say thank you to all of you that read and/or comment on my posts. Corny I know. But in all honesty I don't know what my head would be like if didn't have a place to come to get it all out and even more so to have a place where I feel normal.

So thanks for listening.

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Something Different

Mr. S is different!!! I'm sure of it. 

How, you ask. Well, let me tell you a few things I have noted that point to a change, a shift in him. 

He asked me how I felt. He will normally ask how I feel physically after an exciting night but this time he wanted to know how I felt mentally. This is extremely different. Seriously, he had to ask me twice before I realized was asking how I felt mentally. We do not normally talk about feelings and we certainly have never talked about how I feel about what happens in our bed. It was awkward to say the least. 

He has added clothes pins to our box of goodies! Oh, how I love this change! I'm tingling all over just thinking about it. I feel like this is a step worth mentioning because it is not your average toy, well not in the vanilla world. There are also a couple other activities we engaged in, that I'm having a hard time making my fingers type, that are not extreme but different (for us, for me) for sure. 

There is also a different air to him. I wish I had some details on this matter because this is what is boils down to (if there's really a shift) but I can't explain, he is just... different. It is boggling my mind. I wonder if it is all in my head, I don't think it is but maybe.

Seeing it written out makes it seem little but in my head it is huge. Maybe if I would have had more than two days with him I would be able to make more sense of this. I don't think it's a case of me making something out of nothing but then again maybe I am. I guess only time will tell.







   



Sunday, October 6, 2013

Talks of Toys, a Small Plug, and Something Different

I feel like something has changed. Unfortunately, I can't put my finger on what that might be. 

Mr. S worked out of town last week (he will be leaving again in the morning) and when he came home Friday evening something was different, like the air had changed. Then, there was yesterday, I wish everyday was yesterday. If I remember correctly, the morning started off with me showing him the fun things all of you recommended on my last post. The girls were playing right in front of us so we couldn't talk, however I was able to look them up on my phone and show him that way. Lil and Tori, when I showed him the anal hook I think he about jumped off the couch in excitement, lmao, or maybe he wanted to grab my phone out of my hands to get a better look, I really don't know but I wish I knew what he was thinking in that moment. I still don't think I'm ready for something like that but if he decides that is what he wants then I'm willing to give it a go. I am very excited to find out what he wants, well except for the gag that he wants very much (ugh). 

Rereading though this I feel like I should explain that when I say that "I don't know if I'm ready" I'm talking mostly of a mental "ready." Is that silly? It's just a toy. I really need to stop thinking.

I'm really good at getting off topic aren't I.

So the day went on with lots of touches, sneaky touches, you know, the kind that happen when the kids run out of the room real fast to grab a different toy. Then two o'clock rolled around and out of nowhere he stuffs a butt plug in me (just a small one with a curved base). It was only two o'clock!! This is very different; if it was seven or eight I wouldn't have been surprised. He only had me "wear" it a little over an hour but it was very... interesting. Part of me didn't want to like it (damn walls) but another part really enjoyed it. Strange having both of those feelings at the same time. The best part was seeing the smile on his face every time I moved, which was pretty much the whole time I had it in. It was one amazing smile. 

After our evening routine the girls were put to bed, and the stars must have been aligned because they went to bed and fell asleep without a fight. It was a day of firsts in more ways than one. 

I have been sitting here for ten minutes trying to finish writing about our night but, I can't. I find it hard to share these moments even though I would like to. I'd like to be able to relive them this way but, I can't. Maybe in the future. 

The point of this post was to say that something is different, last night was definitely different but it is more than that. I don't know if it is me, or Mr. S, or just the weather but something is different.

I think it might be a big something. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Help Me Out!!

With birthdays and the holidays coming up we are in the market for some spanking implements, restraints, and fun things of the like.

What websites have you found that have good quality things? (We do not have stores around these parts.)
Do you have any advice for me so that I don't waste money on cheap things?
What about gags? I really don't want to get one but Mr. S has brought it up a few times so I guess I should ask about them too; there's so many styles and don't know a good place to start.
What is your favorite spanking implement? Where did you get it?
I came across a crop that had a glass handle that could also be used as a dildo, has anyone ever used one of these? 
What is your favorite restraint(s)?

Bombard me with any information you think would be helpful, no matter how insignificant you might think! Feel free to email me lifethatismine@gmail.com, comment, or even do a post, just don't leave me hangin' :)

Thanks in advance!


Thursday, October 3, 2013

I Don't Even Want to Know

I got a call from a number I didn't know on my cell phone so I, did what I always do, let it go to voice mail. 

It was a wrong number.

A women left a message for an employee, whom apparently had not shown up for work yet. All very normal.

Except, the women that hasn't shown up for work is on the schedule as a discharge cleaner

Witney, I wouldn't have shown up for work either.

Susan, you need to talk to your boss about renaming this job title because, hopefully, it is not as bad as it sounds.

Side note: I assume this a hospital job but, come on, a discharge cleaner.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Walls, Walls, Who's Got Walls?

The mind can empower us to do the inconceivable and it can hinder us from doing the simple. If the mind was aloud to roam freely, without distractions from outside forces (religion, beliefs, influences, and such) there would be... could be... well, there's not enough time and space to say all that would be, the possibilities would be endless. 

What would the world be if we didn't let influences dictate the way we think and what we do?

Would there be judgement on colors of skin, religions, or sexual preference? Can we not read minds because someone along the way said it wasn't possible and everyone agreed?

Think about it. Not long ago I would have laughed at you if you told me that we would be able to carry around phones not much bigger than a credit card (not huge boxes that we carry in bags, lol, those were so cool) that could take videos and send mail thousands of miles in a matter of seconds. Now it is a way of life and something we can not live without because someone believed it was possible (okay maybe a lot of someones, but the point is the same). 


It's all a mindset. It is amazing what one can accomplish with the right mindset. 

I've been thinking a lot about how these influences have effected me and I wonder how they have held me back and how I have held myself back just the same.


I'm sure this is just another part of the process for me. 

I've always faught my perverted thoughts because I believed that they were wrong, religion taught me that. Something was wrong with me because I couldn't stop the way I thought. It put a wall up and I supported that wall. I hid within myself because of this wall. 

My mom and my grandmother (my dad's mom) told me I should be independent and I should never put faith in a man (just to name a couple rules they live by). I believed them. You know what? My mom has been single for over fifteen years and my grandmother longer than I've been alive. I know they were hurt by men and that is where the heart of their anger is, but they chose to never let it go, it is their mindset they have chosen. Why I chose to listen to them is beyond me but that is another wall that I allowed to be put up. 

It makes me sick to realize these walls have been within me and that there's got to be more; not only the ones related to TTWD. I want them gone! I want to be me, not who everyone says I should be. If there are going to be walls I want to put them up my damn self.

And that is that.