Before I go into this I want to let you know that I realize this is a serious problem. Like I probably need a therapist type of problem but I've been through things like this before and I will get through this. I'm just going through the hardest part right now.
A few times now some people have made comments along the lines of "It's not about wants, it's about what I need," I'm not sure if it was the first or second time it got through my thick skull but to be honest, I kind of let it go, and I just accepted it not really thinking it through. Yes, I guess, in a way, I do need this. And that was that.
Then I hear it again yesterday, twice. Then, BAM! My past punches me in the face. It all boils down to my dad (I don't think there is one area of my life that this man has not affected). I truly thought I had worked through everything he fucked up but seems as if that is never going to happen.
It starts with my dad not being around to watch me grow up (there's a lot more to it then what I'm saying here but I hope it's enough to make my point) and how bad that hurt me, in order to deal with that pain I made myself believe that I didn't need a father. As time went on, and I went though other things, that turned into me thinking I didn't need anyone, and as more time went on it turned into me not needing anyone or anything. It wasn't something I did consciously. In fact I didn't know it was there until yesterday.
Looking back it seems so obvious that I have always believed that I didn't need anything more than air, food, water, and sleep. I didn't know... I didn't know I thought that way. Fuck. I hate this. I have dealt with so much, and worked through so much, on my own because I didn't need help from anyone. I had the "what could you possibly do for me" attitude. I was wrong all along.
I see now that I need more than those few physical needs but my mind is fighting it. I can literally feel myself fighting this. I really don't want to believe that I need anything or anyone because that means I'm dependent and needy. It's hard to admit that I need something or someone that could, at any moment, be taken from me. It's hard to admit that I might need punishment because what if Mr. S doesn't like it. See! Read back over that last sentence, did you notice that I said that I "might" need it? I can't even type that I _____ it. I can't do it. I know it is likely but I'm not accepting it.
I don't want to need anything. I want to be okay no matter what I have or don't have. But *sigh* I do need. I have needs and I need to have needs because without them...
DAMN IT! FUCK! SHIT!
I need a drink.