Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Needing Needs

Before I go into this I want to let you know that I realize this is a serious problem. Like I probably need a therapist type of problem but I've been through things like this before and I will get through this. I'm just going through the hardest part right now.

A few times now some people have made comments along the lines of "It's not about wants, it's about what I need," I'm not sure if it was the first or second time it got through my thick skull but to be honest, I kind of let it go, and I just accepted it not really thinking it through. Yes, I guess, in a way, I do need this. And that was that.

Then I hear it again yesterday, twice. Then, BAM! My past punches me in the face. It all boils down to my dad (I don't think there is one area of my life that this man has not affected). I truly thought I had worked through everything he fucked up but seems as if that is never going to happen.

It starts with my dad not being around to watch me grow up (there's a lot more to it then what I'm saying here but I hope it's enough to make my point) and how bad that hurt me, in order to deal with that pain I made myself believe that I didn't need a father. As time went on, and I went though other things, that turned into me thinking I didn't need anyone, and  as more time went on it turned into me not needing anyone or anything. It wasn't something I did consciously. In fact I didn't know it was there until yesterday.

Looking back it seems so obvious that I have always believed that I didn't need anything more than air, food, water, and sleep. I didn't know... I didn't know I thought that way. Fuck. I hate this. I have dealt with so much, and worked through so much, on my own because I didn't need help from anyone. I had the "what could you possibly do for me" attitude. I was wrong all along.

I see now that I need more than those few physical needs but my mind is fighting it. I can literally feel myself fighting this. I really don't want to believe that I need anything or anyone because that means I'm dependent and needy. It's hard to admit that I need something or someone that could, at any moment, be taken from me. It's hard to admit that I might need punishment because what if Mr. S doesn't like it. See! Read back over that last sentence, did you notice that I said that I "might" need it? I can't even type that I _____ it. I can't do it. I know it is likely but I'm not accepting it.

I don't want to need anything. I want to be okay no matter what I have or don't have. But *sigh* I do need. I have needs and I need to have needs because without them...

DAMN IT! FUCK! SHIT!

I need a drink.


20 comments:

  1. ((hugs)). misty, a lot of this post i could write. it was so hard going to Sir last week and telling Him i needed to hear from Him. i hate feeling needy. i think you have some very valid points. i really hope you and Mr. S. are able to work through this and with time meet those needs.

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    1. Thank you for your support. I know we will figure it out at some point :)

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  2. Ahh Misty, with me its my mum....i cant even go there, talking about it too much that is.

    Its difficult to let go, it took me a long time, and 7 years on with Master i still have huge bouts of insecurity, it scares me how dependent i am on him, and for a long time i fought against giving him everything, all that i am....because if if did that would make me vunerable....and that equated to in my head the possibility of being hurt.

    All i can say is there is no shame in seeking help.

    hugs

    x

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    1. It has been a long time since I've felt vulnerable but after these past two months I feel like I'm starting a relationship with the SOB.

      Sorry about your mum!

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  3. Hiya! I've finally gotten round to replying your comment on my blog and popped over here to read yours!

    and you know, this was a good post. I grew up slowly telling myself that i didn't need anything or anyone either. I think it's one of those things that many of us in our circle can identify with.

    but when you're with the person whom you can be totally vulnerable with, asking for help can be so liberating!

    Was just telling BIKSS last night that i'm glad i can just come right out and ask him to spend the day with me if i have a free day (off from work) and not feel like i'm being weak or needy.

    I'll join you for that drink, in the meantime. *cheers*

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    1. Fondles, I hope you're right about it being liberating!

      *cheers*

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  4. ((((Hugs))))) this is something i find hard and I had a blissful childhood!

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    1. Mamacrow, I'm sorry you deal with it too but it sure does make me feel better that you deal with it despite having a good childhood.

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  5. Hi Misty, I've just read your previous post and this one. You know TWD forces us to look deep within and we realise things we didn't know about ourselves previously. Those realisations can sometimes be a real sucker punch.

    I think we can all relate on some level to not wanting to feel needy. It makes us feel vulnerable. But, having needs does not make us needy, dependent or weak and we all have needs. I like what Fondles said. Asking for help can be liberating.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Roz, it so strange how TTWD brings it all out but, you're right, it does.

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  6. I am on that needy bus with you. When I first realized how needy i was feeling, i panicked. I wondered what was wrong with me.....you have lots of company.
    hugs abby

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  7. Hi Misty,
    I agree with Roz. This brings about such great self evaluation. It can be scary and painful at times as those walls that you have spent so long building and securing begin to crumble and fall. Hugs to you. And I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with you. Accepting your past and realizing that it doesn't need to define your future is half the battle.

    Co

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    1. Little girl, I hated walls before but now I loath them. I am glad that I figured out that this was a problem so I can work on it. I think the hardest part is going to be figuring out what I do actually need vs want.

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    1. I knew what you meant :) oh and btw love the new profile pic! Hot mama!

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  9. Misty im sooo sorry that you're feeling like this. TTWD breaks down all those walls that we've spent a lifetime building to protect ourselves. But i think if you trust Mr. S then you will get through it. Being vulnerable is scarry....but the way i see TTWD is after breaking down all the walls, finding out who you are and what you need....then you can start building again. But this time you will build healthy walls. Not walls that keep you hidden and protected. That is now Mr. S's job. Let him be your walls.

    I think those of us in this lifestyle have had one issue or another....mine was both mom and dad. Thearpy helped me deal and process everything. The we discovered TTWD and it has helped that much more. Dont punish Mr. S for your past. Let him help you. It seems hes willing to allow you to be, vulnerable, needy and weak. Let him protect you and guide you....you will feel like there has been a weight lifted off your shoulders. Trust him!

    Subrina

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    1. I think I might have had a little panic attack reading your comment, lol. I know you're right, well I hope you are, but it freaks me out.

      Thank you SO much for your support!

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  10. I hate needing! My Dad was around but I never felt close to him and we rarely speak. It hurts but I usually stuff the pain. I suspect it comes out in other ways like with Sir. I found myself very needy with him last week and was using manipulation and even get demanding to get attention. This is the hardest part of submission to me. Needing him and always wanting more but accepting that he sets the pace. This week I am trying to chill out but it's hard. I haven't heard much from him and I suspect he may be driving the lesson home that he is in charge and I must totally relinquish control. Ugh!

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    1. Ugh, is right!

      I never thought about how it might come out in other ways when I ignore it... that's something to think about.

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