Monday, October 21, 2013

Punishment

I've been having an internal conflict, okay it's possible that there is more than one conflict in my mind but I only want to talk about one at the moment.

Punishment... I want it. 

See, that right there. What is that? Who says they want to be punished? I know some of you have to want it, on some level, don't you? 

I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it? 

The topic came up yesterday with Mr. S. I tried to explain why I think it would be good for me and I think he understands my thinking and sees my point. Kind of exciting.

Then I ask if he wants it too -damn my mouth. He said that we can try it. I hate when he does that; he answers but doesn't answer my question. 

"But do you want to," I ask. 

"I'm willing to try for you."

This is exactly what I don't want. I want him to have a want to do it. 

So, I told him that I don't want it. 

I really don't want him to do it just for me. But... damn it... I do want it. 

Gesh, I sound like a nut job. 

I think this is so hard for me because everything else we do, he wants to do it and it seems natural for him. This is a whole other level, I get that, but I feel like I'm pressuring him and taking advantage of him. 

So, at this point, I'm pissed at myself because if I hadn't asked if he wanted it we would be headed in the direction I want. Now, that I opened my big mouth, we aren't. 

I'm inclined to ask advice but I'm afraid that you are all going to say I overreacted, not that you wouldn't be right, I just don't want to hear it, lol.

34 comments:

  1. Overreacted no.

    Ok, so this is how im interpreting this...hope it makes sense lol

    I do not like being punished because it means i have disobeyed him, displeased him and these are not good things, however i do need punishment, i need consequences for my actions, to put things right...afterwards im repentent.

    We also have sessions where he does things i dont like, these are simply just for his pleasure, because he likes it, he wants to, to sate his sadistic needs....although i dont particularly like these times, i do get a kick out of enduring for his pleasure..and afterwards im on a high.

    Can you see the differences between the 2?

    not sure if i helped or not lol

    x

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    1. I see the differences, you explained it perfectly.

      The conversation we were having was about the first type of punishment you spoke of. I don't want to admit that I 'need' it but honestly is there a D/s type of relationship out there without it?

      The second type you talk of, I see happening with time, and I'm pretty sure I will feel the same as you. I would/will really like like to please him that way.

      I don't want either one to be about me though, I want it to be about him. I want him to feel like it is necessary, not because he will "try it for me". Maybe because it would be easier on me, so I wouldn't have to accept that I want/need it, it would just be something I have to do.

      Damn, that is so selfish.

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    2. I feel like I'm making him do something he doesn't want to do when he says "he will try it for me"

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    3. Its not selfish at all, he cant read your mind, so sometimes it means having to spell it out, what we want...doesnt mean we will get it but it puts the ball firmly in their court.

      I think i do get what you mean.....you want him to be the one that pushes this issue, rather than you having to bring it up?

      all this will come together in time, through communicating needs.

      x

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    4. Tori, it seems like I have a problem "spelling it out" but I'm working on it ;)

      Yes, that is what I mean. Gosh, that would be soooo much easier!

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  2. I'm interpreting the same as tori.

    I need punishment and maintenance to remind me. in fact, this last punishment i went to Him and felt because of what i did, I felt I needed punishment or maintenance as a reminder. to me, it's about humbling yourself, seeing that you have done wrong, and acknowledge that you want to do better.


    now, there are times He does things I'm not in the mood for or like (puking while being faced fucked for example). he doesn't particularly like puking, but He loves the power He has on me and that I will endure His sadistic side to please Him. i often encourage it.

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    1. My reply to tori applies to your comment too.

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  3. don't forget, this is still new to you both...He may not feel comfortable yet "punishing" His wife. You have voiced your opinion now give it time. :)

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  4. I get it, i think most of us feel the same way. Master tells me, He wants to know what i want or would like or need. It helps Him to make is better, to move us forward. It is HIS choice if He acts on it, I am merely providing Him with information. Does that help ?
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby, it does help... in a way :) The thing is, he doesn't deny me anything. I feel like a lot of what he does is to make me happy, and I love that, but I don't want this to be about that, I don't want him to do this just to make me happy. Granted what makes me happy seems to make him happy so maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, lol.

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  5. Misty, I hope you wont be offended when I say coming here to read your blog is a little bit like visiting memory lane. I read a lot of your posts and see you in the same place I was a few years back. If you are a nut job- so am I, so are thousands of other submissive women who have felt this, and STILL feel this :)
    (and I say this, having JUST experienced a very un-likeable punishment myself!)

    I am a way down the road into submission now. At the very beginning, I knew I wanted/needed to be punished (Which didn't *always* bode well for me, being quite bratty!) I never knew why I wanted to do things I actually didn't want to do. Why I wanted to feel things I knew I wouldn't actually like... It bothered me, for the longest time. I would say it was only about 3 years later I realised WHY I wanted it - because I NEEDED it. When I slip up, I need the security that there WILL be a consequence - because I know that will help mould me into being a better person. I want to sometimes do something I dislike, or experience something I don't enjoy - because it reminds me that I AM submissive, and gives me a peace of mind. I imagine this is playing factor in your own thoughts. Punishments and disciplines, for many submissives - are almost like a comfort blanket, a safety net. They make us feel safe, guarded and protected... at least, that's how it is for me :)

    Remember too ~ this is quite new to your partner, as it is to you. He may word his responses in a way that makes youf eel he is only doing things for you. And heck, sometimes it may even BE that way - but don't revert and say you DON't want it, because quite often - when they try these things for us, they find that THEY like them, and it works for them too :) and he may also be wary of saying he likes the idea just as much as you

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    1. Erica, you've given me a lot to think about and I can't 'properly' reply right now because I'm not sure how I feel about what you said. Know I will be writing a post soon.

      But you are right, I know I shouldn't have said that I don't want it, that was definitely an overreaction.

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    2. Hope I did not offend you at all. Wasn't exactly suggesting an over -reaction, just that sometimes when we revert from what we want, we find we can miss out on what we need. Hope you are well :)

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    3. You did not offend me in the least! I'm so glad you said exactly what you said, I needed to hear it, more than you know.

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  6. I get it...don't necessarily enjoy the punishment but like the focus it gives me. It also helps with absolving my guilt. Once you are punished, it's done and all is forgiven:)

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    1. Oh the guilt, I really want to get rid of that! Awhile back (maybe a month ago) I did something extremely stupid and I still feel just as guilty about it. I hate the feeling!

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  7. Hi Misty, I know what you mean. I want him to hold me accountable for my actions and to punish me physically. Sometimes he will, but it's only after I bug him to punish me. He usually stops before I feel like I've had enough. I feel like he is only punishing me because I want him to. I've discussed it with him way too many times (he must be sick of hearing it). I think that I have a need to receive punishment way more than he has a need to give it.......... hugs

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    1. Saturn, I think accountability is a lot of what I'm looking for and, honestly, I don't care if the punishment is physical or not.

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  8. Hey misty, in my opinion communication is the best thing for all relationships! I am new to this type of lifestyle as well. We actually discussed this whole thing more in depth on our anniversary vacation. I had to basically tell him my desires, wants, and needs. It was very hard for me! I needed to do this for me and felt it would benefit us both. I know how hard it is to communicate about these things; however, I can tell you it is the best way. Of course you want him to do many things... It takes patience and communication... Well at least that's what it is for us. To me it's like wearing your heart on your sleeve and leaving it there, completely! When things don't feel right to be able to talk and leave it all out there. Does he read your blog? I don't like being punished because it makes me feel terrible for breaking some line crossed; however, I know exactly why you want it. Nothing in life is perfectly how you would imagine it, just life...I would hope to think in time everything gets better. Hugs :) -dg

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    1. dg, I'm learning to communicate, it's not something I've ever been good at, in fact I suck at it.

      He doesn't read my blog, as of this moment. He is free to anytime he wants but he knows I don't want him to. I feel like I can work through things here so, hopefully, they come out a little clearer by the time I talk to him. I have started a blog just for him and I think that's going to be a great thing.

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  9. Misty I have to agree with everyone here. And you're not crazy!! I think we all feel/felt this way. I feel just like you do...I want to be held accountable for my actions. Mr. D doesn't usually follow through and I get frustrated. It makes me feel like he really isn't into this as much as I am or that he just doesn't care how I act. I know that's not true...but that's how I feel. I hope you work through your conflict and keep communicating. He's not going to know unless you tell him....he's not a mind reader! But let me say this....watch what you wish for......

    Subrina <3

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    1. I know we will figure it out but I sure wish it was easier, lol. For me, I know he cares but, I think, he feels like he shouldn't have to because I should know better and I should just do as I'm told. He is right but apparently I don't know better...

      I'm giving you permission to tell me "I told you so" when I get what I wish for :)

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  10. Misty, I haven't read all of the comments above so please forgive me if I repeat.

    I understand this. I need to be held accountable for my actions. It's a way of clearing the air and being able to move forward with a clean slate rather than having any lingering feelings on either of our parts. It also helps purge me of guilty feelings and always reconnects us.

    I also understand you wanting him to want it, rather than doing it for you. You know, a lot of times in ttwd one partner agrees to do something because it is something the other partner wants. It therefore may start out as them doing it for you. However, after a while, and provided it works well for the couple, they end up on board with it and wanting it too once they begin to see the positives.

    I say if he is willing, why not try it if that is what you want to do.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz, you are so right! I don't know why, with this, I would care so much about "why" he is willing to try. I'm over thinking... I think :)

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  11. yes you definitely can have a D/s relationship without punishments. He'll make it clear if he's not happy with me or what how I've chosen to behave, but formalised punishment is a concept that's pretty much on my hard limits list for many reasons. I completely understand why some need and want it in their dynamic and even understand how it works in those cases, but for me - merely thinking about in relation to myself and my relationship makes me angry, and not in a good way. It would be a deal breaker for me.

    Having said that - I LOVE LOVE LOVE him doing things to me that I don't like. Haven't completely worked out why but I get the biggest buzz and turn on from it. It's like.. it's like playing chicken on the railway lines or daring to dangle a foot over a cliff with only him holding me back, if you see what I mean... I'm a bit of an adrenaline junky but getting too old for full contact martial arts and abseiling!

    And I totally get the frustration you're feeling at the 'I'll try it for you'. It was like that for us for a while, I was tying myself in knots that he was only doing for me. The thing is, it turns him on to turn me on, and as he's (sensibly) taken his time he's also now turned on by making me suffer and squirm and be uncomfortable and confused. I guess... It took a while for him to be sure what he was doing was ok, that it was safe for him to explore his darker side, and balance that with still loving and respecting me and not allowing the relationship to become in any way abusive?

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    1. I see how punishment isn't for all, I think that maybe a factor in why I'm having a hard time accepting that I want it.

      I do love adrenaline but I will stick to things that are on land or water and I will leave the abseiling to you :)

      "it turns him on to turn me on' it is this way with us to and I don't know why I think punishment would be different, as I do believe we would both get something out of it.



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  12. I am deeply grateful for everyone's advice, comments, and support. They have helped me in more ways than you know.

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  13. Hi Misty,

    I don't have my profile confirmed yet for commenting on these more private issues, so my apologies for posting anonymously!

    As you know, our DH's are in the process of figuring us out and deciding what is best for us. Your DH loves you and wants to do what you need, and is willing to explore this in order to discern if you do indeed need it.

    May I suggest that he does not have to be convinced yet that you do need it, in order to be willing to experiment with you doing it to see the results for both of you? All he has to do is be convinced enough of the possible benefits in his own mind in order to choose, as the leader, to try your suggestion and make his own judgment based on the experience and the results.

    He WANTS to experiment because he understands your reasoning regarding the possible benefits. He does not yet WANT to punish as a practice, because he does not yet know the results.

    This pattern will be especially true for any person who learns and decides, in part, through experience. They are hands on learners. My husband is just such a man.

    If he learns the benefits through experience, he will WANT to punish on his own because he is firmly convinced of the benefits for you both.

    So, he's not doing it "just for you". He is doing it for both of you. Experimentation based on your suggestion and reasoning is just part of his learning and decision-making process. And you are serving him by allowing him to learn through experience, the way HE learns and decides, as part of his decision making process -- if this describes your DH. I could be completely off.

    But if it does describe him, you can joyfully accept his offer to try it as an act of submission to the way he learns and decides.

    Hugs!

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    1. Now why could I not see it this way in the first place?!

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    2. Sometimes a reframe makes all the difference, and gives us the freedom we need. Glad it helped. Now what will you do?

      Beth Elle

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  14. I think the other thing to remember is that good men are trained from childhood on NOT to hit women, at least not in anger when it is meant. It could be that he is either 1) struggling with that or 2) afraid you might think he's a sadistic monster if he acts like he's all on board for that even if you ARE asking him for it. Maybe in his headspace if he says "I'll try it for you" that sounds better then embracing it... idk But I imagine just as you struggle with the idea of wanting to be punished and it going against what you were taught as part of the vanilla world, he too might be facing the same struggle.

    Apologies for the Anonymous post...

    Thinking of starting one of these blogs but need permission from my Dominus and I want him to pick my name... as my family would freak if it was linked to my real name, lol.

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    1. I'm glad you said this. Those two thoughts actually entered my mind but I dismissed them as quickly as I thought of them; I probably shouldn't have done that. I'm sure you're right about him struggling and I really need to keep that in mind.

      No worries about posting anonymously, hope you will join us.

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  15. MIsty, let him give you 'six of the best', with a cane on your bare bottom, if you are interested in being corporally punished. If that appeals to you.

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    1. ssixofthbest, I don't believe I've seen you here before, thank you for stopping by and commenting!

      My bottom is his, he can do what he wants with it :)

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