Wednesday, November 27, 2013

More Whining

We are five days into our trip and I can't even begin to explain how bad I want to go home. 

The mom is still drinking, still diabetic, still eating like crap (sugar is a no-no but apparently it is okay to put a half a stick of butter in the green beans -- who knew?), and still stuck in her ways, obviously.

The grandma, with Alzheimer's, that is taken care of by said mother, is worse than I saw her last. She talks to herself a lot, roams from room to room, and normally has on two shirts - the top one on inside out and backwards. It is sad and scares the ever-living-daylights out of me, because I don't want to be that way. I always end up having to watch her which, btw, is an awesome way to spend a "vacation."

The rest of the family, well, I won't bore you with all that is going on but the theme of this trip seems to be that everyone has something to complain about, even me.

At least no one has mentioned my dad... which means he is still where he is supposed to be, in prison. 

I did see my best friend, whom is more like a sister. The two of us went out for a late lunch with drinks, which was priceless and makes miss her so much more (didn't know that was possible). I feel guilty for not sharing TTWD but, I just can't go there. 

Master, well, let's just say that he doesn't like being woken up in the morning by my grandma rubbing his feet. 

On a happy note, we did have sex on my mom's bed, well I was leaning over the side of her bed but that counts, right? 

And an even happier note, ONLY TWO MORE DAYS until we break out of this joint!!!! And in threeish days we will be home in our bed! And our toys. And our crop. And our nipple clamps. And...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

One Subtini Please

I consider myself a passive person; I would rather do what Master wants when in comes to what we do, where we go, and whom we see; it has always been that way. However, if Master tells me how to do something I've been doing effectively - or what I considered to be effective- for years, or when he takes away my choice, you might find that I'm not as compliant. Actually, I have a tendancy to rebel. And, this lady's and gentlemen, is where I fall short of being submissive.

I know that being submissive, at least to the extent that I would like to be, will take time and effort on both my part and Masters but it would sure be nice if someone would concoct a drink that would make me fully submissive. It would be so much easier! 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Pointless Post

Tomorrow we will begin our annual 1300 mile journey to my home state. Did you know we have a four year old and an almost two year old? Well, we do, and all of us will be making this journey in our car. It beats paying $2000 to fly us all there but I have to admit I'm a little worried. I always get this way before we travel, be it by air or land, and it always turns out much better than I anticipated. 

This year things have been different. I haven't made a list of what we need to bring; usually I start a list two week prior to our trips. I have yet to pack a single item. But the biggest difference is that I'm not looking forward to this trip, in fact I would rather not go. 

I'm tired of our vacations -if you can even call it a vacation- consisting of going from house to house and being pulled in two different directions the whole time. I'm tired of seeing how much my mom still drinks, despite her being diabetic. I'm tired of my grandmother, whom has Alzheimer's, going through our bags and taking our things, for instance our tooth brushes (yuck!). I'm just tired of all of it. 

Also, this trip will be the first time my four-legged son will not be with us... I miss him so terribly much... so that sucks. 

I really don't have a point to this post, I just wanted to whine a little. Sorry to waste your time :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Huh.

Months after I came across this way of life, when I decided that this was something I wanted, I started asking myself what I would and wouldn't be willing to do, what I would like, what I would hate, etc. ... an inevitable thing.

I wonder why I never gave thought to having my breath restricted or how it would feel to have fingers gag me.

To think, I was off thinking of being tied up, spanked, and having lots of orgasms...

Monday, November 18, 2013

Acceptance

It seems as if I'm not going to be admitted to an asylum. Phew! In fact, Master didn't bat an eye, or say a word, about his post or my previous post here. Maybe he is just buying his time while the asylum gets my room ready?

Why is it so hard to accept that he may like, maybe even prefer, me this way? 

Last night my worries were drowned by his words and touches but this morning, no more than an hour after he left for work, I felt the worry creeping back in. Now, I see that my worry, is in fact, derived from my own insecurities and my forever lingering past and Master has done nothing to warrant such worries.

You would think that would have been easy to see from the beginning...

Friday, November 15, 2013

It's To the Asylum For Me

Tonight is Friday, if you didn't know that already, which is poker night for Master, and that means I can do what I want. Usually, that means putting some sort of something on my face to keep me looking young, or so I hope, while taking a bath and extra unwanted -not unneeded- sleep. This Friday is no different, except tonight I'm quite uncomfortable leaning over the edge of the bathtub typing.

These past couple of days I've been... upset. My last post is haunting me. I've come to realize that I might not get what I want, which can be a little devastating (can anything be a little devastating?).

I had to write Master, I couldn't keep it in like I intended to do. I also wrote more, much more, than I intended. I said things that might be considered normal in this part of the world but over here, in our house... I'm pretty sure he is going to think that his wife is gone, and a crazy woman has taken over.

If I don't write another post in the next few days it is probably safe to assume that I'm in an asylum for multiple personality disorder. But, even if I am admitted, it was worth it, I feel so much better... and another layer of bricks have been knocked off of my wall.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Having Faith and Giving Trust

This year, when summer began, Master decided that he would replace our roof instead of hiring someone to do the work. I was against it. What if he fell off the roof?! What if he put a nail through his hand?! What if he did it wrong and the roof flew off with the first wind?

I had little faith that it would turn out good.

Well, here we are at the beginning of winter with a beautiful roof that is still intact and he managed to not fall or put a nail through his hand. He did the whole thing with his father (that has Parkinson's) and very little help from anyone else. I feel proud that he accomplished such a big task and I feel pretty shitty that I didn't have more faith in him. He is a very capable man, I should have known better, I should have trusted him.

There have been other times that I should have put more faith in Master, but life has taught me not to trust and that's not something that is easly changed.  

I'm not trusting him now with TTWD. I don't have faith that he knows what he is doing. 

That is going to start changing that right now. I'm going to trust that he knows what is right for us. If he chooses not to bring punishment, and the like, into our lives then I'm going to have faith that, that is the right move for us. I will not stop wanting such things, but I'm going to trust that he will add to our dynamic as needed.

If you have read my Needing Needs post then you know I have a problem with admitting I need things, and I'm learning that a repercussion of this issue is that I have a hard time telling the difference between a need and a want. I feel like the right thing is to trust that my husband will make sure my needs are met. 

I don't hand over my needs easily, and I know I'm going to have a hard time at first, but I know, without a doubt, I can trust him with this.

I'm sure, at some point, possibly tomorrow, I'm going to want to take back what I've said here and I might not know exactly what I'm handing over but I think, I hope, this is the right move and that Master directs me back to this post should my thoughts falter. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Screw Time

I have had an itch to write about something but now that Master reads my posts, I'm reluctant. I knew this would happen. It's not that I don't want him to know how I feel, it's that I don't want him to think that I'm not happy or that he is doing something wrong. On top of that, I have already told Master what I want to say and he has a tendency to prolong doing what I want if I keep bringing it up.

That little voice inside me has a big mouth that she can't keep shut, and being the whore that she is I can't say blame her.

Maybe the problem isn't that I don't have what I want. Maybe the problem is that I do not know what Master wants. When I read all of your posts I see all these fabulous yet very different dynamics, and here I am wondering what our dynamic is going to be. I need direction. If I'm not going to get things like punishments and rules then I need to know. If he doesn't want anything to change from where we are now, I need to know.

Then again, I could just be frustrated that I'm not getting what I asked for, it wouldn't be the first time.





Saturday, November 9, 2013

Wet Paint

Occasionally I find myself tempted to test what Master says he is going to do.

Last night night Master said he is going to do something (it's awfully gross) if I can't stay quiet. I have to admit, I'm tempted. I do not want this to happen, not even a little, but I'm still tempted. Why is that? It is like seeing a "Wet Paint" sign hung on a wall, then suddenly finding yourself with an urge to touch said wall just because the sign is there. Is it really wet? One little touch won't hurt.

Even if I am tempted, I will not deliberately put it to the test, I'm not stupid... well, most of the time I'm not.



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Blank

I feel like writing. Not much to say.

Master <--this is just silly... but it is still weird to say/type it.

Master, is working out of town this week, again. Him being gone seems much hard now than it was pre-spank. I feel needy. I don't think I like it. No, that's a lie, I know I don't like it.

Gah. I wish I had something to write about.


Monday, November 4, 2013

Basking in the Glow

I wanted to write about last night but too much of it is lost to me.

I remember when Master and I were on the couch, with my head in his lap, and the orgasms that seemed to make my whole body shake. Later in bed, I remember Master slapping my face after he spanked my ass harder than he ever has before, because I did or didn't do something he wanted or didn't want. OH! I just remembered! Master's fingers and mine... together... and him making me admit that I liked it.

I think the new name has had the effect he intended. I asked and he denied (Thank goodness I didn't have to ask to cum). He made me do what he wanted. He wouldn't let me say no. He bit me where he wanted and how hard he wanted. I did my best.

It amazing how much he and I, Master and I, have changed. I really do see progress. I still want more, but maybe I want more because I see progress and progress feels good. Maybe I want more for Master because he deserves more.

Whatever, it doesn't really matter. I'm happy.




Sunday, November 3, 2013

The New Mr. S

I'm sure all of you have been sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what I'm going to call Mr. S from now on. What's that you say? You weren't sitting on the edge of your seat? *gasp* I'm shocked!!

Mr. S and I have been debating over the new name since my last post -which, by the way, he only brought up "The Mean One" after reading it, go figure- well, I guess, "debating" is probably not the right word, it's more like he knows what he wants and I've been try to convince him he wants something else. 

Do you see the mistake I've been making here? Of course you do. You would think I would've seen it too but, nope, not Misty. Thank goodness I wised up after talking it through with a fellow blogger but, apparently, I haven't wised up enough. Even though I've stopped trying to convince him he wants something else, I have resorted to asking if he is absolutely sure that is what he wants. He is not budging. My white flag has been raised; hence this post.

I thought he would want to be called Daddy but Daddy is not an issue, for the time being. Phew.

I am glad to stop using Mr. S because every time I use my phone to post, it changes the S to an A, which is a pain in the ass.

I'm stalling, can you tell? 

My reasoning for not wanting to calling him this is extremely silly. It's not that I don't like the name, I don't mind hearing all of you say it, it just feels foreign to me. I even tried to write a post last night using it but it feels so strange that I didn't post it. 

Ugh! Alright! 

Master. He wants me to call him Master. 


Update: After rereading this I realize that all of you might think I don't want to call him this just because it feels strange but that's not the only reason, and as my reasoning doesn't really matter I don't see the need to explain. Just wanted to clear that up :)