Monday, November 18, 2013

Acceptance

It seems as if I'm not going to be admitted to an asylum. Phew! In fact, Master didn't bat an eye, or say a word, about his post or my previous post here. Maybe he is just buying his time while the asylum gets my room ready?

Why is it so hard to accept that he may like, maybe even prefer, me this way? 

Last night my worries were drowned by his words and touches but this morning, no more than an hour after he left for work, I felt the worry creeping back in. Now, I see that my worry, is in fact, derived from my own insecurities and my forever lingering past and Master has done nothing to warrant such worries.

You would think that would have been easy to see from the beginning...

17 comments:

  1. IF you're anything like me, you'll have entire conversations with him in your head without him even being there. Uh Huh. I told BIKSS this just now. HE said that if he got me to paddle myself when that happens too, then i would have a relationship with him without him having to be present at all. And then in 7 year's he'd come visit me in the madhouse. "hey but at least I'll come visit". Hrmph.

    worrying is normal. tell him about your insecurities. it helps.

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    1. Bahahaha! Yes, those type of conversations happen all the time over here!

      Bright side, if you have the relationship in your head it will be like he never left, lol!

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  2. it IS easy to observe - in others. In yourself - not so much.

    Fondles - I do that too! Have whole arguments, crisis points & breakups in my head! Then I have to talk myself down or he gets all confused when I'm indignantly grumpy with him over things he hasn't actually done!

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    1. It's funny you say that it is easy to observe others because I feel like all of you read my posts knowing something is happening or going to happen that is blatantly clear but I'm failing to see.

      Being grumpy about things he hasn't done cracks me up... only because I've done that too lol

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    2. gees, i'm glad i'm not alone. i think one time i woke up after having a bad dream about BIKSS and then was grouchy talking to him that day.

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  3. Easy..when those voices in your head refuse to shut up??? Those voices used to convince me to get up in the middle of the night and write long emails to Him. You are doing much better than i was at this stage.
    hugs abby

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    1. That damn voice!! I swear!

      I don't feel like I'm doing very good, but thank you!!

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  4. It is difficult to really look at ourselves and self reflect....and sometimes we cant see what they see..am i making sense lol

    Your doing fine, have confidence in yourself, there will be bumps in the road but every 'bump' is a learning curve.

    x

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    1. Tori, it is SO difficult! It is a rare occasion when I see what he sees and when it does happen I'm not even sure I saw it right lol

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  5. Ah Misty, sometimes, even when you see it, it's hard to accept.

    Maybe sometimes it's difficult to accept that he might like you this way because you're still trying to accept that you are this way and you like it? Not sure I'm making sense. I could also be completely and totally wrong, lol.

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    1. lil, that thought did cross my mind.

      I'd like to think I've accepted me but I'm not so sure. When I wrote Master, I just started writing without really thinking and when I read back over what I wrote, I was like WTF!, who am I? So, yeah, I guess I'm still working on that. :)

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  6. Oh Misty, I'm a terrible worrier. Like Fondles I play out conversations in my head, then bottle out speaking to P. I'm always surprised how much more accepting he is of situations than I am and yet I think of him as the one most likely to baulk at what we do.
    Confidence grows each day, they can be tiny steps though and only discernible in retrospect.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Yes! I always expect him to go running for the hills but he acts like it is all... normal. But it's not normal! Is it?

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    2. i think we have different thresholds. i think whatever i say will make him bolt. he shrugs it off and says ok... no biggie. if it's something we want to fix, we start working on it by talking or whatever... if it's not an issue he'll give me a hug and that's that. he says don't worry, and i have finally learnt to do that. (took a long time let me tell you!)

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    3. Thanks Fondles, just, further, confirms that communication is so important. If anything just to get the worry out of my head :)

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  7. Hey Misty, those dang insecurities! It's such a journey of self discovery and that self-reflection is not easy.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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