Monday, December 30, 2013

New Year, New Possibilities

It seems as if everything is changing. 

In about a week Master will be jobless and we will be on our own. I keep having to remind myself that this is really happening; we are really going to start our own business. I have a list of things that need to be done, but a lot of things can't be done until other things are done, and it is driving me crazy. I'm ready to be rich (a girl can dream, right?) but I am fearful of starving to death (ridiculous thinking). 

My girls are growing up, which brings changes of the good kind (NO MORE DIAPERS) and changes of the scary kind (getting closer to teen years every day).

Then we have changes with Master and I, which some are a bit hard to describe. Things that were okay are not okay anymore, or maybe they were never okay but I never noticed... or cared to notice. They are changes of the subtle kind but, yet, they are victories that push us further down this road. There are also changes that are easly explained because they evolve my wrists and ankles being bound to our new, handmade!, spreader bar. Oh and, can't forget, the sock... in my mouth. 

I don't want to give the impression that everything has been easy going these past couple weeks, because it hasn't. There have been times that I have fallen far from where I want to be. 

Even though positive moments and negative moments have varying effects, I learn from them just the same. I need them both in my life in order to grow and to move closer to the person that I want to be. And what a great feeling it is to have this realization!

I know this new year is full of unknowns but I'm ready to tackle these unknowns... with a happy heart and a sock in my mouth... 

But lets hope it is not a dirty sock...

Monday, December 23, 2013

Three Things

First, I want to say thank you to everyone that takes the time to stop by my blog, commenters and non-commenters alike, it truly amazes me that anyone would be interested in what I have to say.

Second, my "Popular Posts" gadget over there is wrong. They might be some pretty awesome posts (ha, ha) but all of them are not my most popular, therefore I decided to add a new page that lists some posts, with links, that I felt you all enjoyed or that I just don't want to get lost over time. I also plan to add posts that I thoroughly enjoy of other bloggers; I was tempted not to do this because I hate mentioning someone and not mentioning someone else, as I don't want to offend anyone, but I'm doing it anyway because I can do what I want... kind of... well, you know what I mean. 

Third, I hope that all of you have a great Christmas (or whatever you might, or might not, celebrate this time of year). Maybe once it is all over we can get together to celebrate making it through another holiday season? 

I will see you on the other side of Christmas and, again, thank you so much for reading! 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Bend Over

I stood up and Master, still sitting on the couch, grabbed me, rubbed my ass for a bit, then pulled down my pants. 

"Bend over."

I bent over but his view must not have been good enough.

"More."

My hands were on my thighs and my ass a couple feet from his face.

"Arch your back."

"Pull your ass apart."

I did as he asked without thinking and melted away.

Later I found myself on the floor; fibers from the rug pushing into the side of my face and my knees, his fingers in my ass, and him filling me up. 

Pain existed but ceased to matter. 

I was his, to be what he wanted, and yet, somehow, I think I ended up with the better deal...

Friday, December 20, 2013

Will I Ever Learn?

Some days I feel like I have learned how important it is to communicate, then I go to sleep and... well... I just forget. Okay, okay, I didn't forget this time. I just didn't want to acknowledge that I needed to talk.

I thought I would just sweep the dirt under the rug and forget about it.

But here's the thing...

Dirt that is under a rug, is still dirt... it's just under a rug. 

And another thing...

A little pile of dirt under a rug can seem much bigger than it actually is.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Pandora's Box

It has been almost four months since I first posted here, and, holy cow, has my life changed, but I do find that I, occasionally, still open the "will he ever..." box. What, you don't have one of those? This box of mine includes some kink but it's mostly full of questions that pertain to those things outside of the bedroom... and the living room... and kitchen... and bathroom. I digressed. Mainly they pertain to things that I want to happen. When I open this box it never bodes well. I wonder if I will ever learn that Master is doing exactly what he should be doing and keep the darn lid closed. 

When I open the box I get off kilter, then he goes and does something that puts the lid back on... it's amazing really. 

I opened the box a couple days ago and last night I expected to push him away (or maybe I planned on it, but that doesn't really matter, does it?) but all he had to do was sit down and tell me to lay across his lap and, bada-bang-bada-boom, the lid closed. There was also talk of me being a sexy bitch while his hands found their way across my back, over my ass, and finally reaching my pussy, which put the box on the top shelf of my closet.

In those moments nothing matters besides Master. I'm in his world; a world where reason meets absurdity, and absurdity turns into reason, and I am as he says I am, nothing more and nothing less, which is exactly who I need to be. 

And it is there that I realize there is no room for boxes in my head... that space belongs to my Master alone. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Life Changes, We Adapt

Master is going to be laid off from work. We got the news a couple weeks ago but I knew at the beginning of summer that it was going to happen. It was just a feeling. I worked for the same company for seven years so I know how they operate. They wanted Master and I to move, again, but it is not an option. So... we are opening our own business... and I'm scared shitless. 

I know we can do this.

I'm freaking out.

It is going to be okay.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 


Saturday, December 14, 2013

What Does Submission Mean to Me?

It is a question worth asking, don't you think? But where to start and where to end? Aright, whatever, I will just start writing. 

For me, submission is...

Something much more than I am doing now
Obeying, despite my opinion
Watching sports without complaining
More than clamps and vibrators
Being pleasing
Giving up myself, my soul, my body, my-everything
Obeying, despite how I feel
Clamps and vibrators
Being accepted for who I was, who I am, and who I will be
Giving him my breath
Receiving a driving lesson without complaining 
Making his coffee
Being protected 
Being safe
Being His
Obeying, because I should
Wearing thongs because he likes them, not because it is a rule
Being pleasing
Having orgasmic orgasms 
Letting go
Losing myself 
Finding myself
Being pleasing
Obeying, because I have the choice to do so
Doing it his way even if I'm right and he is wrong (FYI I'm always right -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
Doing it his way because his way is the only way, no exceptions
Being vulnerable
Giving up control 
A part of me

But, there's also the fact that I want it to be more. I want it to mean that my needs are his, I want my limits to be his, I want to be able to do anything he asks or wants, but... I'm not there. Will I ever be there? I hope so. Does Master even want me there? Lol. Yes, he probably does.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Cop-out

I feel like I should be better (it would take me a week to define my perspective of "better") and that I should be able to deal with things on my own, because I'm an adult. I'm an adult with the responsibility of taking care of, not only one but two, tiny humans. I make sure they're fed and watered, and of course there is the small task of preparing them for a great big world that is out there waiting to undo everything I'm trying to instill in them now. Before kids I worked in an office by myself and from home because my employer knew I was responsible, I never needed someone to stand over me to make sure I was doing what needed to be done, I just did it, on my own. Not to mention the life monstrosities that I've delt with on my own. 

So why in the hell am I having a problem now, with this?! 

Why can't I get over some measly sub drop on my own? Why can't I see it for what it is... and get over it? My husband has plenty to worry about, he doesn't need me sulky and bitchy. And that I am. 

Master even asked what was wrong and all I could manage to say is, "I don't know," which, I guess, is a step up from, "nothing," but the responsible thing to do is open my fucking mouth and tell him. I just can't. I can't admit that I can't do this on my own. 

So I'm taking the easy road and doing it here, which means that by the time he reads this I will probably be over it. 

I'm such a cop-out. Great. Something else to be proud of.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Tale of a Whore's Ass

A long time ago, in a far off land, there was a Master that wanted to put his cock in his whore's ass, but the whore did not want such things.

"Master, do you realize that shit comes out of that hole?"  "It is made to be an exit, not an entrance." "It hurts and I do not like it." The whore would say.

The Master was patient, he waited and waited, and waited some more. Years past and his hope of sticking his cock in his whores ass was fading, but one day, something changed inside the whore and she wanted nothing more than to please him this way. 

At first, the whore found it painful but the Master was still a patient master, and he gave her more time. The Master would use his skillfull fingers and small plugs in her ass, and it helped the whore grow more confident in her ability to take his length in her ass. When the Master felt it was the right time he would try to stick his cock in the whores ass, but it was still too painful for the whore, her ass was just too tight.

The whore worried that she would never be able to enjoy his cock in her ass, and it saddened her because her Master was a kind master that gave her many orgasms, and she wanted to repay him for his kindness in this way.

Then, one cold and snowy night, the whore found herself consumed by her Master's needs. It was a night for the whore to please her Master, taking nothing for herself. The Master took the whore's mouth, forcing all of himself down her throat until she gagged time and time again. When he was finished with the whore's mouth he had her lay on his bed, with her ass in the air -- as this was his favorite view. The Master took no time entering her ass, but before he began to move within her, he did grant time to let the whore's ass grow accustomed to his length that stretched her. The whore was relaxed and she needed nothing more than to please him this way, and please him she did. Feeling her Master's cock move in and out of her with a great force she found that she was finally able to enjoy him this way, and that delighted her. The whore was thankful that her Master was so patient with her and grateful that he showed her how truly wonderful it was to have his cock in her ass, and through these feelings she had a release of epic perportions that she will remember for all of her days. The Master was thankful and took her ass once more before falling into a peaceful sleep.

The Master and whore continued to relish in their new found enjoyment and lived happily ever after. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Found

I lost something along the way. It could have fallen out on that bumpy road, stolen by a monster, or I might have even given it away unknowingly.

I lost it without knowing that I did so. How are you supposed to find something you didn't know you lost in the first place? You might stumble upon it, if you are lucky. I happen to be one of the lucky.

Turns out that it was crucial to me, what I lost, like water in the desert. I was starting to fade without it, and had it not been for one heart pushing me along I would have faded completely.

I spent many years wondering from place to place searching for answers to unknown questions. Trying to make sense of myself. Trying to make sense of my past. Trying to find my future.

Then I fell upon what I had lost. It was like finding a flashlight in a deep cave. I wasn't prepared for what I would see -one can not be prepared for such things- but no time was wasted before I turned on the light. I had no choice really. After all, who would continue to be surrounded by darkness if a light was there to be turned on?

The light burned my eyes and tears fell, washing away much more than I anticipated. However, once the tears stopped and the light became bearable, I was able to see that which was lost but was there the whole time...

Me.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Thoughts From a Whore

What can I say other than there is one happy whore sitting right here?

Oh wait, that's right, I do have more to say.

First, I have to say thank you for all the great advice, support, and hugs that I received on my last post. I do not regret -even a little bit- sharing that part of me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what kind if responses I would get. It makes a difference just knowing that others are there.

There has been some things that I haven't shared, okay maybe a lot of things, but, after all, it is hard to share ones whole life on a blog.

I'm not sure how long it has been now, close to a week, Master spanked me for not finishing the laundry (laundry and Misty do not mix), it was a fast spanking, it wasn't the hardest I've had, and it ended with a plug in my ass, so I think that's why I think of it as a spanking and not a punishment, but punishment it was. I made the same mistake the next day which bit me in the ass... that's all I have to say about that.

Recently, I have found myself wanting to do more for Master. You know, little things, like making his coffee in the morning. Why does that feel so damn good to do, it is just coffee? It is not just making his coffee, it is that he lets me make it.

There's also big things that I find myself aching to do. It had been a while since he had bit me for fun and I found myself wanting/needing him to, so I asked for it. (Biting is not something I particularly enjoy but Master does.) He replied with, "I don't do that anymore." Despite what he was doing to me I almost snorted. After some begging and telling him where he could bite me, he gave me what I asked for... on my pussy. It is a very interesting night, to say the least.

Then we have last night. I just started my period so I assumed my fun was going to be limited but, criminy, I couldn't have been more wrong. There was biting, of the very ouchy variety, and there was the crop, my long lost friend, and some other fun things, however, I was in for a little more than that. Some time ago, I wrote a post saying that if I got my wish of being tied up, to the point that I couldn't move, that I might end up with a cock in my ass without lube... well... I didn't get tied up.

And I can't forget this morning. Master gave me much more than I deserved, five times what I deserved, but I will get the chance to repay him.

Yes, one happy whore is sitting, carefully, right here.


Friday, December 6, 2013

Seeking Help

In the short time I've spent here, in blogland, I've been blown away by the support and willingness to help, no matter the subject, it truly is an amazing thing. Today, I'm coming to all of you for help, or advice, or something, I guess I'm not really sure what I am asking for.

I'm just going to dive right in.

I have these moments where I don't want Master to touch me. It is more than 'not feeling like it,' that I can overcome. This is... different. It is something rooted in me. Effing past. Blah, blah, blah.

Before TTWD this was a common thing but since we began this journey it has only happened a few times, thank goodness, but I don't want it to happen at all. The feeling that lingers, after the fact, is beginning to be unbearable. I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't overcome and let go. I'm fearful that Master will see me for what I am and decide I've got too much baggage. I'm pissed off that I don't know how to fix it. The list could go on and on. 

When Master and I where talking about it, I told him that I feel like I don't want him to touch me anywhere but I don't want him to stop either (truly, stopping would be much worse). Now that I've thought about it, it is not that I don't want him to touch me anywhere it is that I don't want him to touch parts of me.

So during these moments, say he reaches in my shirt and begins playing with my tits, I have this overwhelming need to push his hand away, and I do. I can't help it. It's like my hands have a mind of their own. I bear it as long as I can, which is only seconds, and then BAM my hand knocks his away. I want to roll into a ball away from him but I want to be close to him at the same time. 

Last night he tried slapping me, he tried pinning my hands down, he tried threatening me, all things that push me over the edge on a normal day. It was only when he combined slapping me, putting his hand around my throat, and talking to me, did I remotely let go -- remotely might even be an exaggeration. When he tried again, to touch me, I still pushed him away. He was able to finish but this behavior is unexceptionable, in my eyes. Some of you might say that he should just not touch me during these times, make it a hard limit, but I can't do that, I don't want to do that, and besides that, I think his touch is what I need even if I don't want it.

There has to be something, anything, that can get me past this so we can have our fun, right?! 

I don't know what triggers this, I don't know how to overcome it... I just don't know. I don't know.

Does anyone have an idea of where we could start? Or maybe someone has gone through this? 

I'm sure I left out information that could be important, I'm a little out of sorts, so ask away. Email me or comment here, I don't care, I just want to figure this out! 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza!

Extravaganza is such a fun word, but pair it with cookie and you know you are on to something really good, so of course I couldn't resist joining in the fun! And a huge thanks to Jz for putting this together!

Even though I love me some cookies I decided to share something different -we all need a little variety- and these morsels will not disappoint you. Seriously, I know people that don't like tomatoes but they will eat these... they are just that good. And they are so easy to make. 

Behold my Tomato Pesto Bread

1 French Baguette sliced into half inch slices
Pesto
Roma tomatoes sliced into quarter inch slices
Parmesan cheese shredded

Spread half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon of pesto, then add a slice of tomato, and top with about a tablespoon of Parmesan cheese on each slice of bread.

Put the slices of goodness on a cookie sheet and place under the boiler. Do not leave your oven! When the cheese melts and starts to bubble take them out of the oven and enjoy. Easy peasy!

Note: These are best served warm, so if you plan to take them to someone house I would advise that you ask to use their oven instead of cooking them before you leave. 


Another note: If you do not use a lot of pesto don't fret, freeze what you have left over.


Before you run off to buy the ingredients please take a gander at the other's that participated...


Tom 


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Small Steps

So, this submissive thing.

It is not as easy as it seems.

Easy probably isn't the right word. I never thought this would be easy but yet I continue to be surprised by how hard it can be.

The first time I got in the drivers seat on our trip, I didn't make it 20 yards before he was correcting my driving. 

"Are you going to turn on your blinker?"

"Yes, I was getting to it! I haven't even been driving for a minute and you're already telling me how to drive!" Yes, I was snippy and nevermind that I would have forgotten to turn on the blinker.

I realized at this point what I was going to have to do... let him tell me how to drive. *gasp, shock, stunned silence*

Later on...

"Slow down, there's ice on the road."

No, you don't say. "I know there's ice on the road."

"Well, you need to slow down."

"Okay, I will slow down."

I then received a lesson on how to drive on icy roads.

FYI, we have lived in an area that has snow on the ground -for five to six months out of the year- for seven years now.

Do you know just how hard it was to keep my mouth shut and listen to him?! It wasn't easy, but I did it. I just listened and did what Master said. 

And I have to say, it was much easier to obey than it would have been to rip his head off... much less clean up too.


Monday, December 2, 2013

Finally

We are home!!! That feels so good so say.

Yesterday was full of unpacking, Christmas decorating, taking care of a sick one, and chasing the other. But, *happy sigh* there were other events; some needed escapades. Yep, you heard me right, I needed it. For once, I have no problem admitting I needed everything Master gave me.

The slap to my cheek I got for trying to cover myself after getting out of the shower, when he was so blatantly trying to look at me.

The looks I got for not doing something he wanted.

The pulling of my nipples while the girls were in the other room.

The cock in my mouth.

The plug.

The vibrator.

The glass dildo.

I needed to feel Master again which is exactly what I got.