Friday, December 6, 2013

Seeking Help

In the short time I've spent here, in blogland, I've been blown away by the support and willingness to help, no matter the subject, it truly is an amazing thing. Today, I'm coming to all of you for help, or advice, or something, I guess I'm not really sure what I am asking for.

I'm just going to dive right in.

I have these moments where I don't want Master to touch me. It is more than 'not feeling like it,' that I can overcome. This is... different. It is something rooted in me. Effing past. Blah, blah, blah.

Before TTWD this was a common thing but since we began this journey it has only happened a few times, thank goodness, but I don't want it to happen at all. The feeling that lingers, after the fact, is beginning to be unbearable. I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't overcome and let go. I'm fearful that Master will see me for what I am and decide I've got too much baggage. I'm pissed off that I don't know how to fix it. The list could go on and on. 

When Master and I where talking about it, I told him that I feel like I don't want him to touch me anywhere but I don't want him to stop either (truly, stopping would be much worse). Now that I've thought about it, it is not that I don't want him to touch me anywhere it is that I don't want him to touch parts of me.

So during these moments, say he reaches in my shirt and begins playing with my tits, I have this overwhelming need to push his hand away, and I do. I can't help it. It's like my hands have a mind of their own. I bear it as long as I can, which is only seconds, and then BAM my hand knocks his away. I want to roll into a ball away from him but I want to be close to him at the same time. 

Last night he tried slapping me, he tried pinning my hands down, he tried threatening me, all things that push me over the edge on a normal day. It was only when he combined slapping me, putting his hand around my throat, and talking to me, did I remotely let go -- remotely might even be an exaggeration. When he tried again, to touch me, I still pushed him away. He was able to finish but this behavior is unexceptionable, in my eyes. Some of you might say that he should just not touch me during these times, make it a hard limit, but I can't do that, I don't want to do that, and besides that, I think his touch is what I need even if I don't want it.

There has to be something, anything, that can get me past this so we can have our fun, right?! 

I don't know what triggers this, I don't know how to overcome it... I just don't know. I don't know.

Does anyone have an idea of where we could start? Or maybe someone has gone through this? 

I'm sure I left out information that could be important, I'm a little out of sorts, so ask away. Email me or comment here, I don't care, I just want to figure this out! 

19 comments:

  1. Misty,

    First (((hugs))). I don't want to make any assumptions on what happened in your past, but I do sympathize with how much an effed up past can affect things now.

    Don't know if it's the same as what you're going through, but I have struggled with pulling away from my daddy from time to time both physically and emotionally. It's nothing I can control - just a knee-jerk reaction that comes up from time to time. I'm never really sure what triggers it either, but I do know it happens because I get insecure and am not feeling the 'safe place' I need with him.

    You said you're worried about him 'seeing you for who you are'. Is the 'who you are' because of your past? Have you talked to him about this? One thing that's really helped me is opening up and letting my Daddy in to see absolutely everything. Even the really dark stuff. Not easy -- I still get sick and afraid every time something new comes out that he's gonna bolt. But every time he unearths a new secret and not only chooses not to run, but to love and want me even more -- the more safe and secure I feel.

    Don't know if I'm any help, but again ((hugs)). Hoping you get the advice you need, and you and your Master can work through it soon!

    aurora

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks aurora! I do feel like it is a knee-jerk reaction, that's a good way to describe what happens. I can't say that I feel insecure or even unsafe, I don't really know what I feel, it's weird.

      Talking has made a HUGE difference in our relationship, and my life for that matter, but, like you, I worry about how he will react almost every time I open up.

      Thank you for the comment and hugs, they are appreciated!

      Delete
  2. Misty,

    First, relax.
    Secondly, try to be at ease in the trust you have for him. If you have been open and honest and communicative with him-then he has seen you at your worse. he *hasn't* decided that you have too much baggage.
    That thinking of, "I don't want him to see me" is probably one of the toughest mindsets to get around.
    Its also kind of worthless to keep carrying it around. You can't decide for him what is too much for him to deal with and putting that 'guilt' on him isn't fair (even though it may be well meaning).

    Speaking from experience.
    This isn't one of those things-in my opinion-that you can just push past or use force to overcome.
    But -again in my opinion, from experience-it is possible to overcome it.

    Relax. Relax. Relax.
    I mean, emotionally, mentally, physically.
    Then, I would try sensation play...go slowly, ease into it.
    (Sensation play can incorporate all kinds of nifty things...like this for example: http://thesubmissionofelle.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/sensation-play/)

    Little things. Start with a ribbon, a feather, and see if the "object that isn't a hand" will have a different reaction.
    If you are comfortable with that, then see if you can add the touching. Gently, work up to it and breathe, deeply.

    I hope I am explaining this concept well--if you want clarification feel free to inbox me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've really given me a lot to think about, Bleuame.

      You're absolutely right. I really need to stop doing this. He knows me -- the good, bad, and crazy. Just this second I realized that I get that feeling because 'I' think that my baggage is too much, so I just assume he will think the same. Isn't that interesting.

      What you are saying makes so much sense! Looking back over last night I see some differences before we began doing our thing. Usually, I will lay my head in Masters lap, while we watch tv, and he will rub my back and bottom, soft spanks, you know, he just does whatever, usually it's very relaxing. Last night one of our kids was in and out of bed, because she's sick, so I wasn't able to do that, I've also been a little stressed, so basically I was not relaxed in anyway. I didn't see that until you said to relax.

      It also makes sense to see if an "object that isn't a hand" might work.

      You are just full of great advice and I'm thankful you've offered it to me!

      Delete
  3. Blueame has great suggestions.

    The very first thing Sir told me was that with TTWD insecurities and emotional baggage come to the forefront and fast. He wasn't kidding.

    The main thing. Communication! Also, maybe start journal at home for these times. wow what Harned that day, what you ate, conversations that occurred - everything. Over time, you can see if there is a common denominator that is triggering these feelings.

    Also, have Master start working with you on triggering. A word, a gesture, etc. It will take time. Basically, when triggered your mindset is so focused on Him that you forgot everything else. You just do, feel, and submit. The fact He was rough and then you were able to cope most likely in that time frame you went to that mindset - you are His. As you go deeper into it, everything else is non-existent so then both He and you can enjoy. Furthermore, He is going to have to work with you. Everyday, maybe grab your tits and say "mine" in your ear, then go on with His day. Again, it's about changing your association from the past to Him.

    Good luck! You obviously want to overcome this and by taking about it, you will. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought to think about what happens before I start to feel this way, I guess I just accepted it for what is was, until now. I'm going to pay closer attention to see if I can figure it out but I think Bleuame might be onto something when she's says I need to be relaxed.

      I think the trigger thing might be a good idea! I'm going to share these comments with Master so we will see what he thinks.

      Delete
  4. Misty,

    I don't really have any suggestions or advice that hasn't already been stated but I am thinking of you and hope you find a way to work through it together. He's your partner, best friend, lover...trust in him to love you and help you:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you little girl! Your support means a lot!

      Delete
  5. ok they've said most of it. but I'm just going to empty my brain out here anyway.

    1) trust him to accept you for all that darkness and baggage even tho you think telling him may leave him seeing you in a different light. He loves you for all that you are. even the bits he doesn't yet know about. TRUST him to accept it. Tell him your'e going to tell him stuff and you need to know he'll be right there and not judging.

    2) could it be when you feel his hands your mind subconsciously jumps back to whatever emotions you've long ago associated with such a touch? and not HIS PRESENT TOUCH ? It may help to have the lights on, and see that HE is touching you. Your vulnerable parts are under HIS hand. not anyone else's. Look at his face. Register the feeling of HIS hands with HIS face, his being. Make a new connection - So that you can try to disassociate previous emotions from the physical stimulus that's happening now, with HIM. (i don't know if i'm making sense.)
    I learnt long ago that one doesn't forget, one only makes new memories. So make new associations and memories with his touch and connect your emotions to the current energy instead of letting them bring you back to the past.

    3) if it doesn't happen ALL the time, then perhaps when you start to FEEL it, alert him. Tell him it's happening again. Sometimes admitting and acknowledging it helps to bring everything to the surface so you can BOTH face it together. This is me talking from personal experience - when i feel something (negative) and try to hide it from BIKSS it's really hard to manage on my own. But if I come right out and say I'm feeling far from you, or unhappy that I have to share you, or that I'm not feeling all lovey-dovey at the moment, it exposes the bad feelings and leaves us freer to work on connecting. My take is that just SAYING it helps to diminish its presence.

    whatever it is tho, I do hope that you find your way thru this, together, and come out of it stronger and more able to enjoy the beauty of your relationship! *hugs and blessings*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fondles, thank you for emptying your brain on my blog, your welcome to do so anytime! :)

      1) I'm going to work on trusting him with this, god knows I need to.

      2) turn the lights on?! Are you serious? No really, we have been turning the lights on more often, but I'm not sure it would help. It's the weirdest thing. My mind is with Master, I know it is him, I'm not thinking about the past, but I just don't want him to touch me. I'm having a hard time explaining. It kind of goes like this... Oh that feels nice, keep doing that, wait, no, don't do that, I normally like this, just let go, let him do it, aaahhhhh, I can't stand it get your hands off me.

      3) I NEED to do this and I feel kind if stupid that I didn't think to do this myself, lol. I think it will be hard to admit that it is happening but I can see the benefits in doing so.

      Thank you for the support and advice!

      Delete
  6. You've had some great advice above, so I shall simply add some big hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bleuame is good, isn't she?

    Not sure that I really have anything valuable to contribute because you have so many wonderful comments already. I may or may not make any sense, but I'll try!
    For me, I would always just walk away in my mind, as opposed to the reaction of physically resisting, but I think they both come from the same kind of mental place. There are still rare occasions during which I will still do it.

    "I'm fearful that Master will see me for what I am and decide I've got too much baggage."

    For me, one of the hands down most beautiful and awesome thing about ttwd, is being well and truly seen to the very core, and accepted anyways. Everyone has varying degrees of baggage, for me, D/s is about his seeing and knowing all of me. And keeping me anyways. That bare openness in itself has brought us closer than any particular touch could ever have done.
    There have been a few moments on this journey that stand out in my mind as particularly life/relationship altering. One of those was the moment I knew in my heart of hearts that he knew it ALL, and he was going to keep me anyways. Because knowing these things logically on the surface of the mind is always different than knowing them deep down in the core of one's being.

    I know where you are coming from when you say that pushing him away is unacceptable, because that fits with my personal views of D/s. However, I think that it is also important to give ourselves room to grow--your reactions may be unreasonable, but their basis is not. Accepting it as something to work on and grow from, as opposed to a personal failure of submission that might make him run for the hills, might be a helpful place to start.

    You said that it's gotten a lot better since starting D/s. Give Yourself Time!!!!!! You have made a lot of progress in a very short period.
    This issue isn't new to him, but perhaps the way you feel about it has changed somewhat...? He didn't run before, he's not going to run now.

    I do sooo know how you feel though. I think you have my email...? Feel free to holler at me any time if you want to.

    Anyways, sorry for rambling on, and I hope that there was some useful something in there somewhere!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame is good indeed!

      I was thinking the most beautiful part about D/s was the kink, lol, totally kidding! Seriously though, I've been wondering why I don't know deep down that he's not going to run off. He has chose me and he continues to choose me every day, and even seems to be happy with his choice. I've concluded that I'm the problem, well that's obvious, but what I mean is that I don't see how or why he wants me. We come from two different worlds and we are totally different people and I just don't understand how he can accept me. So basically I can't accept that he wants me because I don't think he should. Which is very unfair.

      As for the issue of me pushing him away, I most definitely feel differently about it now. Even though the times have decreased it seems so much worse, if that makes sense. I have this deep feeling of inadequacy. I was so mad at myself the other night, I don't remember caring so much before. But I you're right, I need to see it as something to work on, something that I 'can' work on, instead of something I can't get past.

      Thank you so much lil!

      Delete
  8. p.s the email button wouldn't work for me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I switched my profile over to Goggle+ (not really liking it) and I think that maybe why. I can't figure out how to fix it, probably because I'm feeling lazy today, so I just added a page with my email. :)

      Thank you so much for the comment above, I'm still mulling over it and I will reply later.

      Delete
  9. Misty,

    I have absolutely no experience with real-time D/s at all, but I can't help wondering how the after care went? The reason I ask, is because I agree 100% with everyone else who said that you need to replace the 'bad, past triggers' with 'new, good, loving' ones. Somehow, if you and your Master can change the bad to the good, you might be able to cope easier and have less reoccurring problems (Or none at all, as that's probably your goal).

    I would think that this would include the after care, because I can only imagine that him praising and holding you afterward would go a long way toward making that change for the good faster than if he just rolls over and goes to sleep (or, any other 'final' kind of action that might leave you feeling like you just fought this huge battle for nothing). Just something to make the physical motions have a more positive impact, rather than negative.

    Hope that made sense and I hope that you and your Master can work through this together. I can only imagine that it would bring you closer, as you work through it. ((Hugs)) from me, too.

    ~ Angie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great question, Angie! I can see why you would ask and you made complete sense.

      I don't think he has ever done anything like that -roll over and go to sleep- on the other hand, I have. That's changing though! The other night Master made me talk and he held me, once I let him.

      I think you're right, we will be closer as we work through it. And you know, I just realized, it will be nice to have someone helping me rather than trying to do it on my own - which hasn't worked anyway.

      Delete
    2. Oh, and thank you so much! :)

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?