I'm just going to dive right in.
I have these moments where I don't want Master to touch me. It is more than 'not feeling like it,' that I can overcome. This is... different. It is something rooted in me. Effing past. Blah, blah, blah.
Before TTWD this was a common thing but since we began this journey it has only happened a few times, thank goodness, but I don't want it to happen at all. The feeling that lingers, after the fact, is beginning to be unbearable. I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't overcome and let go. I'm fearful that Master will see me for what I am and decide I've got too much baggage. I'm pissed off that I don't know how to fix it. The list could go on and on.
When Master and I where talking about it, I told him that I feel like I don't want him to touch me anywhere but I don't want him to stop either (truly, stopping would be much worse). Now that I've thought about it, it is not that I don't want him to touch me anywhere it is that I don't want him to touch parts of me.
So during these moments, say he reaches in my shirt and begins playing with my tits, I have this overwhelming need to push his hand away, and I do. I can't help it. It's like my hands have a mind of their own. I bear it as long as I can, which is only seconds, and then BAM my hand knocks his away. I want to roll into a ball away from him but I want to be close to him at the same time.
Last night he tried slapping me, he tried pinning my hands down, he tried threatening me, all things that push me over the edge on a normal day. It was only when he combined slapping me, putting his hand around my throat, and talking to me, did I remotely let go -- remotely might even be an exaggeration. When he tried again, to touch me, I still pushed him away. He was able to finish but this behavior is unexceptionable, in my eyes. Some of you might say that he should just not touch me during these times, make it a hard limit, but I can't do that, I don't want to do that, and besides that, I think his touch is what I need even if I don't want it.
There has to be something, anything, that can get me past this so we can have our fun, right?!
I don't know what triggers this, I don't know how to overcome it... I just don't know. I don't know.
Does anyone have an idea of where we could start? Or maybe someone has gone through this?
I'm sure I left out information that could be important, I'm a little out of sorts, so ask away. Email me or comment here, I don't care, I just want to figure this out!