Friday, January 31, 2014

A Special Day

I've been trying to find the time to post this all day but Master kept me busy doing completely mundane things. Now, however, the kids are in bed, Master is playing poker, and I can finally write. Better late than never, right?

Today is a very special day! 

This day, the thirty-first day in January, is Master's birthday! 

Thirteen years ago, the first birthday of Master's that we spent together, he told me that he was going to spend the rest of his life with me, which I doubt he remembers, lol. I do feel like pointing out that he did not ask my opinion, it was a matter of fact kind of thing, "I'm going to marry you," or something close to that. I didn't argue. I was only nineteen but I knew he was my one-and-only, he was my breath of fresh air in a life full of smoke... and he still is.

I feel so grateful for all this time he has spent with me and put up with me. I wish I could give him the world but, seeing as how I don't have that kind of money or connections, he will have to live with a new shirt and myself. I'm not so sure the latter is such a great gift but gotta take the good with the bad I guess ;).

I love you, Master. You are my everything and I would be less than nothing without you. Happy Birthday! 

Thursday, January 30, 2014


I was trying to explain what an X-Ray is to my four year old, so naturally I Google X-ray pictures. Well, we came across this...

My daughter says, "that's not real." I just nodded my head.

All I have to say is, that if you feel the need to do this it might be a good idea to have an exit strategy... just sayin'.

It's Okay

In regards to my last post, thank you for all your comments and support! It means more than I can say.

I'm seeing things in a different light today and everything is okay.

Let's just call it a crazy moment and forget it ever happened?

At least if someone happens to find that post that is going through the same thing, maybe they will not feel crazy frustrated alone.

I'm still happy I didn't share the post with Master, it would have put more unneeded stress on him. If he happens to venture out of his email and onto my blog and finds it, then what's done is done, I stand behind what I decided to do.

All in all, Master has done nothing wrong, maybe he could have worded things differently but I put no blame on him -or me- it was just something that needed to happen.

Thank you again, I would be lost right now if it wasn't for this place and it's people.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

It's Not Okay, But It Will Be

Master will not be receiving this post. I just need to get this out and move on. He knows how I feel about all this and having him read this would only... I'm not sure what it would do, but it wouldn't be helpful.

We were talking last night -after we did some really fun stuff- about random things and some how we got on the subject of me not doing what I'm told, which turned into us talking about punishment. 

I need to make a couple things clear. We have talked about punishment before (multiple times), he knows why I want it, why I think I need it, etc., and I have tried really hard to be clear about those things. I shared all of your comments on my last post, so he knows how it works, or doesn't work, for others. We are also going through an extremely stressful time right now, he has a lot on his plate, he is worried about being able to provide for his family (he does a wonderful job providing but, you know, men will be men). 

He feels like I should do what I am told, the first time he tells me. And the thing is I should... but...

I explained that I don't mean to forget, I don't mean to be disrespectful and unpleasant, and I need help.

Bottom line, I'm going to have to figure it out on my own (his words, "help yourself."). If I want to make him happy then I need to figure out how to behave and act without discipline, and I will do that because I do want to make him happy.

Not that punishment is never going to happen but, at the moment, it is not looking good. So, I guess, my last post was wrong.

I have to go. I can't talk about this anymore...

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Completely Ridiculous?

Change is at the forefront of our lives at the moment, but there is something else, something more. I feel like we are teetering on a precipice. 

A precipice that has discipline on the other side. 

Of course we have what happened during Dear Guilt, which I consider a punishment -in fact, it is one that keeps on giving- but no need to linger there.

I have said this before, and I'm going to say it again, I want this. I want punishment to be part of our dynamic. I feel like it would make things... easier. 

Which might be completely ridiculous.

It's just that there are things that I'm not so good at without incentive, or so it seems that way.

I have tried to not sound so disrespectful but at times it seems impossible. Now let's say a belt came into the picture, or a dirty sock, it is a very good possibility that the impossibility of keeping my mouth shut might not seem so impossible anymore.

I do want to be pleasing and when I realize I have not behaved in a pleasing way, it does not feel good and I know I can be better. Now I realize that in order to change this behavior it will take time, maybe forever, and discipline is not the answer to all our problems, but I wonder if I would learn faster and be better if I had repercussions that include more than regret and guilt... I'm not saying that regret and guilt can't be effective.

It might not work how I foresee it working. It might not work for us at all. I might also be wrong about the precipice, we may not be there. It wouldn't be the first time I have been wrong but, obviously, I don't thing I'm wrong about any of it. 

Therefore, when Master tells me that I better not be bitchy when he gets home, I'm inclined to be as non-bitchy as I can be. 

Speaking of Master, here he comes now! Yay! Wish me luck ;)

Friday, January 24, 2014

Weird Week

It has been kind of a weird week for me. I can't even tell you how many times I started to write, I would get a paragraph or so written then delete the whole thing. C'est la vie.

I think I have done pretty well on limiting my online time. My house is cleaner as a result. Damn Master for being right... again.

Tomorrow is Master's last day at work. They prolonged the lay-off as long as they could. Master has put in thirteen years with them so, yeah, it is going to be an adjustment. Starting our own business is the right thing to do though -I'm 100% sure of that despite what anyone else might think- and I'm excited to get started.

Funny thing, last night Master and I were talking, he wanted to talk about work and I wanted to talk about him spanking me, which I find ironic, but somehow we managed to talk about both at the same time.

We might be getting a cane...

Anyway, hope all of you have a great weekend and remember...

Just be careful which rules you break!! ;)

Monday, January 20, 2014

I Don't Have Time to Think of a Title...

I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids.

I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. I will not rip off their heads. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014


Does anyone use that "Next Blog" button up there on the left (you won't see it if you are on mobile view)? Why does Blogger even have that button?

I can see it now...

Aunt Sally is on a family blog, reading about how the little one went sledding for the first time, then decides to try the "Next Blog" button thinking maybe I will find a good cooking blog and, low and behold, she lands herself here or here (which, btw, looks fun).

Wish I could see the face on Aunt Sally! I wonder how long it would take her to close the page... or if she might linger awhile.

*laughing my butt off*

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Quick Update

My last post... one of the hardest posts I've written. I'm even having problems replying to comments, some liquid substance keeps clouding my vision. I don't think I've shared that much about my past in over ten years (strange that I did here). There's more, so much more, but for now that's all I'm going to share. As for the box, it is going to go untouched awhile longer, maybe forever, I don't know. I will never throw it away so it will be there should I be willing.

On a brighter note, Master is different, or maybe it is both of us, either way I see us going further into the forest. When he asks me to do something, he is not asking if I will do it or not, he is saying that he expects it done. When he asks me if I want the bed in a different place he is saying that the bed will be moved. When he says to keep my legs spread he really means it. And it is totally hot. Seriously. 

With this newness comes adjustments on my part. One being that I am some how supposed to limit my time spent online and on my phone (deer in headlights). He has been pushing this for awhile but every time he sees me online, at the wrong times, I get a look that tells me that the ice might break at any given second (still a deer in headlights).

So, yeah, I should probably go now.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What Would You Think of Me?

A few days ago Master was doing some work to our basement and found a box of mine. I had completely forgotten that my mom had mailed it to me. 

The box is small and lightweight, coincidentally it is large and heavy... very heavy. 

It is a box of memories -papers, pictures, etc.- that I would rather not remember and therefore I have not looked too closely at. It is not the things that I do not want to see, it is the memories, the feelings, that will undoubtedly come along with seeing those things that I do not care to face. They are from a time that I was starting to realize the depth of the fuckedupness that was my life. Don't get me wrong, I knew from a very young age that my life was not normal, however there is something about finding out just how much out of the normal your life is, when you are becoming a teen, that changes you. 

I rarely talk about that time in my life, and what came afterwards, but when I do it is hesitantly and with caution, even here where no one knows me. Today, I realized why that is. I'm ashamed -you would think that would be obvious- and no matter how hard I try to blame my actions on other people it does not work. My actions were my choices and I need to learn to live with those choices because they are most surly a part of who I am today.

I'm tempted to share a little of that time but what would all of you think of me afterwards? 

What would you think of me if I told you that I started smoking cigarettes at eleven years old? 
Or, before I had turned thirteen, I had drank liqueur, smoked weed, and taken LSD? 
Or, by the time I was fourteen, cocaine had taken me over?

What would you think of me then?

It is not just those things I'm ashamed of. It is knowing how I could should have been more, it is knowing how much life was ripped from me, it is knowing I was a better person than how I acted, and knowing it was all my fault

Sure, I had my reasons. I had many things I did not want to deal with and I really did not care to keep living but, again, it was my choice to behave the way I did... and damn it... I wish I had made better choices.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The New Plug and More

Master showed me this...
Helmet Head XL Glass Plug
Length 5"
Width at widest 2"

And I think my eyes popped out of my head. Really, he thinks that will fit in me?!

I took my time in the bathroom shaving, scrubbing, adding things to my routine that I don't normally do; just prolonging the inevitable. Why did he have to show it to me?! By the time I was done he had gotten the kids to sleep -- of course they would cooperate when I was looking to buy myself more time. I was in our room and had just about got my panties into place when Master walked in and pulled them back down.

"We are going to do this already?!"

"Bend over."

I was leaning over the bed and he slowly pushed the tip in.

"Ow, ow, ow! Can I have some lube, please?" Is he not thinking clearly?!

(Apparently, he was. He was thinking that I would be more willing to take it with lube if he made me think he wasn't going to use it first. Humpf.)

It hurt. 

My poor, poor ass. 

(Isn't it amazing how you can do things just by knowing he wants it? I knew he wanted the plug in me, that it would make him happy, and I wanted to make him happy, and that was that.)

Master, graciously, applied some lube and I stayed as still as possible, however staying quiet didn't work out as well, in fact I'm surprised I didn't wake up the kids.

It hurt.

Then it was in.

Master praised me which made me feel pretty darn good about myself. 

He had fun swatting at my ass every now and then and watching me walk here and there. *eyes roll* I couldn't get the damn smile off my face, which shouldn't surprise me.

About an hour after the plug was put in... 

"Stand in front of me and spread your legs." He said while sitting on the couch.

Oh dear me, here we go. I thought as he put the vibrator on my pussy.

The feeling when he spanked me... the feeling of being full... the feeling that the plug made with every movement... the feeling of the clamps squeezing my nipples, and how they felt under my fingers... the feeling of him inside me... and all that I'm not sharing...

They are all different ingredients, varying tastes and textures, and when combined they turned into something heart pounding, breath taking, and impossible to describe. But, it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. 

However, that was unexpected. I didn't expect to like it. I expected to find something to complain about. I expected it to be too big, too hard, too much. I did it for him but it turned out to be something different and I'm not sure how to deal with that. It makes me feel insecure and vulnerable. 

At the same time, it makes me want more (more of this and more of... other stuff). I want the spanks to be harder. I want the chain on the clamps to be pulled further. I want the plug again. And if I happened to be attached to the spreader bar, I'm sure I wouldn't mind that either, and I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Thus far, I have been at ease with what we have done and it surprises me that I feel this way now. After all, there are much bigger plugs out there and there are many things with more intensity than what we did this night, so why now, why with this? Is it because I had expectations that were not met? Even if they were bad expectations and I'm happy they were not met.

Nonetheless, I wrote this with a smile on my face, and blushing cheeks, so in that we can assume one thing...

I truly am the dirty whore that Master says I am.

(Okay, I need to go before my face stays this red forever.)

It's Official, I'm Crazy

We talked and we have both concluded that I am crazy.

Before D/s, or ttwd (will someone please tell me what it is that we do over here?! D/s or ttwd? Is there a difference?), I rarely had any kind of break down. I was able to keep things to myself, work through them, and get over it. So I wasn't always this crazy.

Master thinks I just bottled it up before and that I have always been this crazy. We will just go ahead deny his opinion, shall we?

No matter what happened before, now is what matters, and now I am crazy. Seriously, I need to get a hold on myself, but how do you get a hold of yourself when you are crazy? It's impossible I tell you! Because when you are crazy you don't know that you are crazy -- you think know that you justified in your thinking. Am I right, or am I right?

Just wanted to clear that up, you can go about your business now.

Oh, before you leave, I am working on a post about my new plug so stay tuned for that, but be warned there might be a little crazy -- luckily, it is a crazy that comes from a dirty little whore, which is a good kind of crazy. *blushing*

Friday, January 10, 2014

Not Talking

Something is wrong.

And I'm not talking about it.

I refuse.

That's right, you heard me correctly. No typos there.

I refuse.

I don't like refusing. I feel like I'm being ripped in half.

Master knows something is wrong. I realize now that there is no point in hiding when something is wrong, because he always knows. And I hate that. But I love him for it.

It is possible I should give in.

Why won't I talk about it? Well, if I said why then that would be talking... and I'm not talking.

Am I being ridiculous and acting like an adolescent child? I sure am.

Will I regret this post tomorrow? I sure will.

Do I care at the moment? I sure don't.

My lips are zipped and I threw away the key.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

It is Huge

Have you ever woken up, logged on to Blogger to reply to some comments (after you've made coffee of course), and happened to find multiple mistakes on your post?

Ugh. So embarrassing. Not that I'm perfect, in fact I'm sure you can find a mistake on every post, but... ugh.

My shoulder hurt and I was tired, does that make it okay? No.

Well, what if I were to tell you that a huge plug was on it's way to our house and I knew it was going to be in my ass once the kids were in bed?

It is glass. It is huge. It is heavy. It is huge.

I can still feel it but it's not there. 

Did I mention it is huge? Because it is.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

I Just Do

In my other life, the one you know little about, I normally do not use profane words, and even rarer do I talk about my sex life.  

I'm not sure why I often say things here when they are rarely said everywhere else, I just do. It is uncomfortable at times but afterwards it is not so bad.

It's kind of how I normally do not have things shoved down my throat but, for some reason, when I'm with Master, I just do -- a cock here, a toy there, fingers over yonder. It is uncomfortable at times but afterwards, and during, it is not so bad.

Sometimes, in some places, normality does not happen and for baffling reasons I'm happy to oblige when the occasion arises to engage in the uncomfortable.

And, of course, it gives me a chance to be me and maybe a little more ;)

Monday, January 6, 2014

Dear Guilt,

I hate you. 


Master was doing something to me, I didn't like it, so I stopped him. *head hangs low*

Before D/s -or ttwd, or whatever it is that we do over here- this, unfortunately, happened more often than I'm willing to admit. *head hangs lower*

Anyway, after I stopped him, I was laying there feeling kind of frustrated -you know, because he did something I didn't want at that particular moment- yet I was waiting for him to change course and move on. And guess what the man did...

He freaking stopped! 

I mean, he stopped everything. Even his cock. Everything just stopped.

When I realized he wasn't gong to continue, I stopped to think, and this heavy feeling came crashing down on me. It was guilt... on a level I'm not used to. *sholders slump and head can't hang any lower*

I don't know how many times I said I was sorry. I tried to get him going again and failed... miserably. 

In my mind I see him slapping my face, or telling me I don't have a choice, or biting me, or... anything but stopping. Anything but stopping.

He made his point, and I'm reluctant to admit how effective it was.

Added note: this has nothing to do with this post.

Sunday, January 5, 2014


I want to write. Really, I do. I even have a few things I could share but... I don't know. The connection between my thoughts and words seems to have been blocked.