Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What Would You Think of Me?

A few days ago Master was doing some work to our basement and found a box of mine. I had completely forgotten that my mom had mailed it to me. 

The box is small and lightweight, coincidentally it is large and heavy... very heavy. 

It is a box of memories -papers, pictures, etc.- that I would rather not remember and therefore I have not looked too closely at. It is not the things that I do not want to see, it is the memories, the feelings, that will undoubtedly come along with seeing those things that I do not care to face. They are from a time that I was starting to realize the depth of the fuckedupness that was my life. Don't get me wrong, I knew from a very young age that my life was not normal, however there is something about finding out just how much out of the normal your life is, when you are becoming a teen, that changes you. 

I rarely talk about that time in my life, and what came afterwards, but when I do it is hesitantly and with caution, even here where no one knows me. Today, I realized why that is. I'm ashamed -you would think that would be obvious- and no matter how hard I try to blame my actions on other people it does not work. My actions were my choices and I need to learn to live with those choices because they are most surly a part of who I am today.

I'm tempted to share a little of that time but what would all of you think of me afterwards? 

What would you think of me if I told you that I started smoking cigarettes at eleven years old? 
Or, before I had turned thirteen, I had drank liqueur, smoked weed, and taken LSD? 
Or, by the time I was fourteen, cocaine had taken me over?

What would you think of me then?

It is not just those things I'm ashamed of. It is knowing how I could should have been more, it is knowing how much life was ripped from me, it is knowing I was a better person than how I acted, and knowing it was all my fault

Sure, I had my reasons. I had many things I did not want to deal with and I really did not care to keep living but, again, it was my choice to behave the way I did... and damn it... I wish I had made better choices.

26 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up about your past. Life is hard and we've all made decisions at some time or another that we regret. I have revealed things in my past on my blog that I am not very proud of. People were supportive and understanding, that helped me quite a bit to move on. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Faerie, I really need to work on not beating myself up, but that is easier said than done. I can't put into words how all of these nice comments make me feel...

      Thank you so much!

      Delete
  2. I think that...We will think you are human just like us, that your story is real, and that you are...You.

    And it's not so easy to always make that right choice, especially when we are young and lack the comparative experience of retrospect. All any of us can really do is make better choices now. Because now is where we are, and we cannot change what was then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil, thank you! Thank you so much!

      I know what you said is 100 % correct however I want to contradict it when applied to me -- I should have known better despite my age. Why do we do that to ourselves?

      Better choices I will make and have made... I should probably focus on that.

      Delete
  3. What matters is not who you were or what you did then....it matters who you are now, and the decisions you make now. We all do things we wish we had not, some make bigger mistakes than others. If you can't look at the things in that box don't...if you want to share with us...do...you are among friends...
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby, "among friends" I can't tell you what this means to read those words knowing you have read this post. I was expecting to be shunned... ridiculous, I know.

      Thank you so much!

      Delete
  4. You know what? You did the best you could at the time. You made the decisions you made with the data you had and the emotional capacity and experience you had AT THE TIME. When you came to see you were on the wrong path for you, you made different choices and hey - you've ended up here! still alive for a start, and with a wonderful family.

    It's easy to look back with the knowledge and experience and wisdom you have NOW and think how you should have done things differently, and then it gets complicated, because you wouldn't have that knowledge and wisdom and experience with out have had those events happen, you wouldn't be the you that you now are.

    Hind sight - always has 20/20 vision!

    What's probably more important is where you are now and where you are going tomorrow xxx

    If anything, I think more of you than before - you're one brave, courageous, strong person!

    Hey, I got pregnant at 19 just as I was heading to university.. Everyone has a past ((((hugs))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten, I am alive and my family is beyond wonderful and for that I am amazed, I don't deserve it, or maybe I do, I don't know.

      I don't feel brave, courageous, or strong, quite the opposite actually, but I can't thank you enough for saying so!!! It means a lot to me.

      Delete
  5. Our past is what prepares us for our future. We all have things that we look back and shake our heads at, hang our heads in regret and shame. No one is perfect. Admitting this...it shows that you've grown as a person and learned from your past. You didn't keep making the same choices over and over again...otherwise you wouldn't be where you are today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. scarlet, you are right, I have learned from my mistakes. I have thought that if either one of my girls start doing drugs that I will be able to handle it better than someone who hasn't done them, or even better maybe I will be able to prevent them from doing them at all! So maybe it has prepared me for something. I'd be willing to do it all again knowing that I did it for my girls.

      Thank you!!

      Delete
  6. Misty...you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your past is just that...your past. And you overcame which is a testament to your will and strength. I think no less of you!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. little girl, ugh, it seems like my past is in front of me all the time! Maybe I need to stop hiding from it and face it so that I can put it behind me...

      Thank you for saying you don't think less of me! I don't know if I believe you but I am so thankful that you are nice enough to say so.

      Delete
  7. Growing up is all about learning from experience. Unfortunately we don't always choose the right experiences to learn from. It can be scary re-visiting old memories. A part of us may think we might become what we were again. You are older, stronger and wiser now. You have responsibilities, a family and a loving husband. Decisions are based on a lot more experience than in the past.
    And was it all your fault? That is a big burden to put upon yourself. As a child others had responsibility for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DF, I refuse to turn into that person again however, looking in the box makes me worry that I might remember something I had forgotten, something else to be ashamed of.

      "As a child others had responsibility for you" this right here... well... yeah... when I think of my kids I see that all too clearly but when I think of someone having responsibility for me that's when it becomes foggy.

      Thank you for your support! It means a lot.

      Delete
  8. I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I made all the right well-thought-out reasonable choices over the course of my entire life, and it led to the relatively sucky life I have right now. So if your life doesn't suck, be happy!:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tiklish, maybe we should have done something in the middle; a little bad and a little good. Impossible to go back but maybe we could apply that to our current lives. I have never toilet papered a house *evil grin* nor have I graduated from college but maybe one day!

      Thank you for your comment!

      Delete
  9. Hi Misty, you are human and we all makes mistakes and don't always make the right choices but we learn and grown from these mistakes and they make us who we are today. You were young and lacking the life experience and tools back then. Today you are older, stronger and wiser. You have overcome and that is a testament to your strength.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, I think you are being way too nice but I am so thankful you are! I feel like I should have known better and feel weak for not doing better.

      Thank you so much, the support is overwhelming.

      Delete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  11. We all have a box.
    You're still, you.
    *Lots of hugs of blue*





    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blueame, thank you so much!!! I need the hugs of blue...

      Delete
  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I completely understand! I will do the same with my comment.

      Delete
  13. Hey, I would think, "Yeah, i was smoking cigarettes at 11 too, and drinking and smoking weed by 13 and i have all kinds of painful memories too - in real boxes, and in boxes in my mind too." The rest of my story may not be exactly the same as yours of course, but for sure life's been a journey. i would think that you're pretty brave to talk about your feelings here, and that you'd be surprised to know how many of us carry some kind of shame from the past.

    sofia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sofia, I'm blown away, thank you so much! Seriously. I can't even give a proper reply lol I just want to give you a hug!

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?