Friday, February 28, 2014

Boycotted

So about this thing I suggested to Master.

I just didn't think. Actually, I was thinking, I just wasn't thinking clearly. It is all Master's fault really--not that he minds either way. He had just done stuff to me and after he does such things I just don't think clearly. The thought entered my mind and about ten seconds later it came flying out.

Ugh.

I mentioned that it might be interesting to go awhile without him fucking my pussy.

I just didn't think!

It's been ten days--four of those days I was on my period.

Rest assured other holes are being utilized.

Rest assured I'm driving myself nuts. I thought it would be easy because, you know, I don't need it but, as soon as he said, "Yeah, we can do that," I needed it--naturally. Do note that when he said, "Yeah, we can do that," it was like he was agreeing to having chicken for dinner. Makes no difference to me.

Rest assured he isn't giving in to my pleas...and I like that. I reeeeeally like that. I have even found myself thanking him for that.

I'm thanking him for not fucking me... What is that about?!

We even had the most intense night we have had thus far and it still didn't happen.

And while his cock -and fingers- may be boycotting my pussy, other things are not. I used to enjoy those other things now, however, they are just not the same.

Which just makes me want Him more--naturally.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I Do but I Don't

My emotions are on overdrive and I have all these scattered thoughts that move from one to the next without any notice. I want to write something... profound. Something that would explain just how happy I am. And how that kind of hurts. But I got nothing there.

Definitely residual effects from last night.

Strange how there are these things that happen and you're excited they happen, you want more of these thingsbut the thing is, you don't, but you truly do and then again you don't, however, at the end of the day, you do...

There is also this thing I might have suggested we try. I'm really kicking myself in the ass on this because it could go on forever -no joke, forever- but it won't, I hope. I do kind of like it, but then again... 

Sometimes I get a thrill out of writing about things yet other times it is harder. I don't know why I'm doing this to all of you. Maybe because I want to talk about it but, I kind of don't, yet I truly do, but can't...

Monday, February 24, 2014

Loose Ends

Good morning Monday! 100th post here--I think this means I talk to much however blogs are for talking...

Some of you, okay all of you that commented on my last post seemed to think I left a couple of loose ends that need to be tied up.... mmmmm tied up.... *thinks back to last night when Master said he might tie me up in the basement, with an anal hook in place, and leave me to squirm all by my lonesome*...oh sorry, you will have to excuse my wondering mind (I have been doing that a lot lately--a lot is probably an understatement).

Where where we? Anal hooks? No? Oh, yes, my last post and loose ends.

Master's response was a bit of a surprise actually. I was expecting a good lecture that would make me feel about this small, concluded with how I cannot be trusted with money (which, btw, is true). Instead, he made a comment about how ludicrous it is that a piece of leather and some paper could cost so much, after which we were interrupted by kids. Not that I minded being interrupted, actually I welcomed it as I hate hearing him echo my thoughts (they sound so much worse coming from him).

It wasn't until the next morning that I brought it up again. I just needed to make sure... I needed to hear him say... I'm not really sure what I needed but the conversation wasn't done.

He said that my guilt is enough. humph. So unfair. But he is the boss.

It was just so unexpected!

I thought I would go on feeling terrible without his normal lecture but, to my surprise, it is okay. I think I have aloud myself to let it go because he has let it go... maybe? Don't get me wrong, I have not forgotten how my gut was wrenched for two days and anything to do with money has me cringing but it is still okay. I can't really explain. I have learned a few things and that is what matters.
________________________

Back to loose ends...

Some of you were interested in what makes me cum, over and over. Well... I just can't make my fingers type it. I don't know why, it is not really that big of a deal, it happens all the time around these parts but... I don't know *blushing*.... it's just that... it is new to me... and maybe some of you wouldn't see it as a little degrading... *blushing*... deep breath... *blushing*... deep breath... I can't believe I'm going to do this... herubshisnicesoftslickcockallovermyfaceandtalksdirtytome.

You can stop laughing at me now, Master!

*hurries to click publish*

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Learning a New Right and Wrong

There's been a lot going on over here. Vanilla life things.

And other non-vanilla things.

He happened upon something that appears to have quite the effect on me. I just cum, over and over. It is the darnedest thing really. And a little degrading. And totally hot. I'm trying to not dwell on why I react this way and just go with the flow, which appears to be working just fine.

Alright already! I will just come out and say it.

I did something I shouldn't have. I didn't stop to think and I made the wrong choice. 

I spent too much money on an item; a reoccurring problem of mine. To give myself a little credit, I have been doing loads better but I slipped; now happens to be the worst time to slip.

Knowing this little problem of mine, Master will usually ask how much I spent so I waited for him to ask while I decided to lie or tell the truth. Yep, I thought about lying. I didn't want to disappoint him! 

Except this time he didn't ask.

I tried to tell him, I just couldn't get it out if my mouth.

It was the night after I made the mistake and we were, you know, in the moment, and he told me what a good girl I have been this week... oh the shame! I almost started crying. But I still didn't tell him. I didn't want to ruin the moment, so it kept eating at me. 

Every time I looked at this thing it felt like someone was twisting my gut. And that damn voice in my head wouldn't shut up. You're so incompetent. You can't even do one thing without fucking it up. 

Just to be clear, this is not even a little normal for me. Never have I felt so fucking bad about spending any amount of money. It was awful. Awful, I tell you!

Anyway, I initially thought that if he didn't ask then I didn't need to tell him and if he did ask I could just lie about how much I spent. Then when I realized he wasn't going to ask -and the gut wrenching wasn't going to stop- I knew I had to tell him. I then concluded that I might as well tell the truth because lying would probably eat at me too, so I emailed him (even though he was only a few feet away from me) to say exactly how much I spent and how horrid I felt. 

Damn this crap! What the fuck is happening to me?! Seriously. I don't understand why, how, or when this changed. I don't get why I couldn't just go on without telling him and be okay with it... Ihavedoneitbefore.

This started on Wednesday and I told him on Friday. It might have only been two days but those two days felt like an eternity.

So, the item... it's a planner. A nice leather one that I will be able to replace the monthly/weekly calendar in every year. Which is just freaking awesome because day after day, week after week, year after year, I will have to look at that damn thing and remember all of this... but maybe that is the bright side as well as the dark. It will be a reminder that I need to think about what He would expect of me before I act and when I do slip again -because I'm sure to- I need to tell him right away. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

slave or submissive?

Part of me feels like I am too new to be thinking about what I am or what I am not but isn't it good to reflect on how you feel about such things? I think so.
__________________________

I relish in the thought of giving it all to him; giving him whatever control, over whatever part myself/my life, that he wants. Without a doubt, there are things I would say no to, however that doesn't mean that a year from now I would have the same response. I am open to possibilities. Just because I don't want pizza today doesn't mean that I won't tomorrow.

I am going to veer a little here... I realize that knowing ones limits are useful -and in most cases I think it is a necessity- but with us I don't find that to be the case. We are married. His limits would not be enough to make me want to leave him nor would they change my mind about wanting this lifestyle. If he ended TTWD I would not even think about leaving him--tested and proved true. Not only that, but I find that putting limits on myself, limit my openness for possibilities.

Back to the subject...

From the depths of my being, I want to be able to trust him in making decisions for us; no matter what choice he may choose. And it is possible that I might trust him this way... maybe... maybe not. I trust that he will move us at a pace and level that is right for us. He cares for me, he cares for what we have, and he takes care of his things so I trust that he would never jump into something that could damage us. I also think he would hear me out should I want something or not want something. This applies to kink and non-kink situations alike.

I also want to make him happy in everything I do. This feeling has grown quite a bit in the last couple months and it seems to get stronger with every peak and valley. When I do something he doesn't like it stings more than it used to and when he is happy with me I feel glowey. I really hate the sting and I really love the glowey.

There is something in giving him complete control that makes my very being quiver. It is beautiful and it is equally terrifying; the thought makes me smile and cry at the same time. In slavery, there is a benefit I see that I don't see under another label. I can't really put my finger on what exactly that benefit is -lol- I just know it is there. I see it in words written in various blogs. It is raw and beautiful. It is what a Master takes and what a slave gives, just as it is what a Master gives and what a slave takes. It is what lurks in the background of actions, not the actions themselves.

Am I a slave or a submissive? Honestly, I am not sure and when I think about it I just get confused. I know I want slavery yet I also know that we have far to go before I could consider myself one. Then again I don't think of myself as a submissive either.

I guess, I just am what I am.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Doing a Little More

Something happened yesterday. It's not really a big deal but it kind of is.

HE TOLD ME I HAD TO PLEASURE MYSELF! And it wasn't a request, it was an order! (yes, I am acting like a school girl that just got asked to a dance, what's it to you?)

Let me give you the short of it.

It was around three in the afternoon and, while the kids were off playing, Master bent me over the kitchen counter, quickly pulled down my pants, and shoved the small plug in.

"This is so not fair, you are going to play poker tonight. Why would you do this?"

"Because you need it." He said while his fingers roamed where they wanted.

"I need to be frustrated all night?" I couldn't get the damn smile off my face.

"No. You are going to take care of yourself."

Here's the thing. I am not really fond of pleasuring myself. I have no problem getting business done but it just isn't the same without Master so I prefer just to wait. Not that I always wait; sometimes the opportunity arises and I take advantage, but Master likes hearing about it when I do, so it's all good.

I got the kids to bed, I wrote, I took my time. It felt so awkward to know what I was going to do it and he knew I was going to do it. I felt... I don't know, it was just weird and exciting.

He didn't tell me what to use or how long to use it so I could have just got out the vibrator and got it done. Bada-bang-bada-boom. However, I knew he would like it if I did a little more. So I did more. And I took a picture of the more. Yep, I sure did. I took a picture.

He seems happy with my doing more and, oddly, I see that as the ice cream and not the cherry on top. The cherry is that I enjoyed it.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Cane Surprise

I might be really smart or really stupid.

Master has talked about buying a cane -with a twinkle in his eye- since the beginning.

They scare the poop out of me.

I bought one. Actually, I made one (that's another post, I think).

It is a surprise, a Valentine's Day surprise, for Master.

I am freaking out!!!! What if he doesn't like it? What if he doesn't want it? What if he likes it? What if he really likes it? What will it feel like? What am I thinking?! Maybe I should have waited.

I won't post this until he sees it -don't want to ruin the surprise- so hopefully I will be able to finish up this post with a good response from him.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!
________________

Oh yeah. He likes it.

"You're going to regret this," he said with that same twinkle in his eye.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

That's the Problem With Thinking When You Should Be Talking

Alright. Okay. Deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. Phew. *wipes sweat off brow*

I really thought it was all over... well, everything but the kink.

It's not over. Thank the heavens! 

In the past few days I have learned a lot. 

The most important, we both need to work on our communication.  

I also think part of the problem is that I have a hard time accepting that he truly wants this, so I am quick to jump to conclusions that proves he doesn't want what I want. But the thing is, he does. He really, truly does!

Yay, he wants to beat me!! 

Lol, sorry, I couldn't resist. 

Seriously, beating aside (because it has nothing to do with anything I am talking about here), he wants all of it and just knowing that has given me peace. He may not have had a childhood like mine but he is still just as non-normal as I am. We are two non-normals and that warms my heart. 

Another thing I have learned is that I am not the same person. Despite thinking it was all over I couldn't stop "doing" for him. I tried but I couldn't stop. If anything it made that urge worse. I can't really explain it. All I know is that I cannot go back.

There is one more thing. It's pretty bad.

I need him even more than I thought and that is... really scary shit. Even scarier, I think that need will keep growing. And that is all I am going to say about that... for now... because I am not ready to explore that can of worms. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Dark Forgotten Corners

When things go wrong I tend to retreat into a space in my head. Different types of "wrong" send me to different corners of this space. The corner that I am currently, balled up in, is dusty and full of spiderwebs; it has been a long time... not long enough.

I had forgotten what it felt like -almost forgot it was there- but once I returned it was shocking yet a familiar feel. A warm blanket, complete with nails to hold it into place.

For the first time, in over a decade, I do not want to be me. I do not like who I am. I am usually able to hide the grime and filth that runs in my veins behind a pretty smile, but every once in a while it shows, and this time is no different from the others, it hurts. DAMN IT, I DO NOT WANT TO BE ME!!!

I feel the anger and hurt for having the cards I was dealt again, instead of accepting them for what they are--just cards that I happened to be dealt.

It is not fair!!

I just want to be... normal.





Sunday, February 9, 2014

I Could Have Just Said...

That no one has ever guided me (I probably had one or two that gave me nudges), to correct me when I do wrong, or to give me a better choice when I can't find it myself. What a relief it would be to finally know I am doing the right thing, by one person. 

When someone tells me that I can do whatever I want it feels like that someone is giving up on me. Not that, that someone is actually giving up on me but that is what it feels like. 

I don't do well with freedom

TherearedecisionsIcan'tmakeonmyown. 

I also could have just said that I am at my best, and try my hardest, when I know what I am supposed to be doing. I have never been a leader but if it was my job to be a leader, I would make it happen. Heck, I am a mom, so I guess I kind of am a leader. Huh. I digress. I am good at following directions but I need directions in order to do that.

Yeah, I guess I could have just said that. 

Bound by Freedom

I am free to do as I please.

I can touch myself where and when I want.
I can shave or not shave.
I can eat what I want.
I can wear what I want.
I can behave as I choose.
I can be on the computer as much/little as I want.
I can sleep as little or as much as I want.
I can clean or not clean.
I can have a plan for dinner or not.
I can do my hair and make-up or not.
I can go to the gym as little or as much as I want.

Do I need to keep going? Because I can.

I am free to do as I please. To do whatever makes me happy.

I have always had this freedom. Always.

As a child I had the freedom to do as I pleased.

My mom once found cocaine in my bathroom; a line that had been laid out for me by my boyfriend. She voiced that she knew what it was and she was not happy about it -quite loudly I might add- and then she left my room. That is it. My boyfriend was not made to leave, I was not grounded, I did not have my phone privileges taken away, I was not sent to rehab, nothing was done, nothing. So, you know what I did? I did a line, and another, and another. Because I was free to do as I wished.

Now that I am older I make better choices, responsible choices, because I know it feels much better to follow the rules than it does to break them. Boy, do I know that all too well. But, what if my mom would have taken the time to help me make better decisions? What if she would have made me feel like I was worth fighting for and to not give up on me? I know she did not know the "right" thing to do -who does in that situation?- but doing something would have been better than walking away. "Just do what you want, you're going to do it anyway." Thanks a lot for that one, mom.

I am a great employee because I am expected to do things and behave in a certain way. I do my best, I give 110%, at meeting those expectations (not that I get it right from the start but I always give it my all). It is an employers job to make sure it is clear what is to be done. If an employer were to just sit you at your desk and say, "Work," with no training, no instructions on how their computer system worked, or what to work on, or the order that they expect things to be done, or how you should treat customers, etc., how could you be expected to produce?

I can not go on, I can not further my submission, without guidance on how to do so. It is not punishment that I need. I need guidance and control. I can not figure it out on my own and I am tired of trying.

So maybe this thing we do should just stay in our bedroom, for the time being.

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting...

Monday, February 3, 2014

FYI

Say you were asked to pick a toy and, after some deliberation, you decide on clothespins but later you admit that you were originally thinking about a certain plug... well... just be aware that you just might end up with said plug in your butt.

It is also possible that, when it is put in, it will still feel like you are giving birth out of your butt, but backwards and without an epidural. However, have no fear, it will be amazing after the pain subsides and he sticks his cock in you.

And when you are asked if you needed that, you are to say yes because, "You are a whore and you need to start acting like one." 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Writing From a Cloud Made of Clothespins

Clothespins. They will never be the same after this. No longer will I picture white sheets blowing in the wind on a warm summer day. No longer will I think of art projects; reindeers, butterflies, and glitter. No longer will I walk past them at the store unnoticed and without a smile. Nope. They will never be the same.

I had a couple glasses of wine -two birthdays in two days screams for wine- and was feeling quite comfortable laying with my head on Master's lap, while we watched TV. Sometimes I wonder if he waits for me to make the first move because, besides the squeeze and rub my ass got for wearing leggings, he didn't touch me in a sexual manner until I scooted further onto his lap, making my ass very available to his hand.

After he took pictures advantage of my very available and now red ass...

"Go take off all your clothes, except for your panties, get in bed, and lay just like this."

Things go fuzzy.

I find his fingers are on my clit, when he asks, "Pick one toy out of the box."


Huh? "I don't know."

"Pick one. Just one."

Time to be honest. I had one in mind... the plug... I chickened out.

I decided on the little, but powerful, vibrator. I leaned over the bed and proceeded to find it...

"Hurry up." He rubbed harder.

Suddenly, I found myself wanting the clamps instead but, seeing as how Master was getting impatient, I grabbed the whole bag of clothespins and handed them over.

I didn't really think. 

"The whole bag?"

I can't remember my reply, or if I replied. The next thing I remember is one going on each nipple, then on my pussy, and another on my pussy, and... then it gets really fuzzy.

I remember fingers, maybe one too many fingers, but all still very pleasant, and the taste of all those fingers when he shoved them down my throat. I think the clothespins where still there... *gazes off momentarily, with a huge grin*

I remember clothespins being put on, taken off, and put back on again. The tenderness that has been left behind is quite nice... it would be even nicer if Master wasn't out cutting wood... *gazes off momentarily* *wipes drool*

And there was biting on my ankles, but that is extra fuzzy.

It was a good night for firsts. 

Now you tell me, how could I possibly ever look at a clothespin the same way?

Believe it or not, a cloud made of clothespins is actually very comfortable. You should try it sometime, plenty of room for possibilities.