Sunday, February 9, 2014

Bound by Freedom

I am free to do as I please.

I can touch myself where and when I want.
I can shave or not shave.
I can eat what I want.
I can wear what I want.
I can behave as I choose.
I can be on the computer as much/little as I want.
I can sleep as little or as much as I want.
I can clean or not clean.
I can have a plan for dinner or not.
I can do my hair and make-up or not.
I can go to the gym as little or as much as I want.

Do I need to keep going? Because I can.

I am free to do as I please. To do whatever makes me happy.

I have always had this freedom. Always.

As a child I had the freedom to do as I pleased.

My mom once found cocaine in my bathroom; a line that had been laid out for me by my boyfriend. She voiced that she knew what it was and she was not happy about it -quite loudly I might add- and then she left my room. That is it. My boyfriend was not made to leave, I was not grounded, I did not have my phone privileges taken away, I was not sent to rehab, nothing was done, nothing. So, you know what I did? I did a line, and another, and another. Because I was free to do as I wished.

Now that I am older I make better choices, responsible choices, because I know it feels much better to follow the rules than it does to break them. Boy, do I know that all too well. But, what if my mom would have taken the time to help me make better decisions? What if she would have made me feel like I was worth fighting for and to not give up on me? I know she did not know the "right" thing to do -who does in that situation?- but doing something would have been better than walking away. "Just do what you want, you're going to do it anyway." Thanks a lot for that one, mom.

I am a great employee because I am expected to do things and behave in a certain way. I do my best, I give 110%, at meeting those expectations (not that I get it right from the start but I always give it my all). It is an employers job to make sure it is clear what is to be done. If an employer were to just sit you at your desk and say, "Work," with no training, no instructions on how their computer system worked, or what to work on, or the order that they expect things to be done, or how you should treat customers, etc., how could you be expected to produce?

I can not go on, I can not further my submission, without guidance on how to do so. It is not punishment that I need. I need guidance and control. I can not figure it out on my own and I am tired of trying.

So maybe this thing we do should just stay in our bedroom, for the time being.

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting...


  1. Maybe overracting, but from the outside looking in your crying out to be heard, to have him listen to you, really listen...or maybe im just seeing more that what there is.

    Its perfectly ok to need guidance and control because its what compliments your submission in many ways, it needs to be fed just as much as his dominance does.

    I hope that he will read this, that you will allow that, i doubt these feelings will go away unless they are addressed.

    many hugs


    1. tori, I think you are seeing it exactly as it is. He has read it but we haven't had a chance to talk...

      Thank you so much

  2. I read this earlier, came back and read it again. A long time ago, i told Master, i cannot be submissive to myself....fortunately he heard me..He really heard me.
    It takes a lot of effort to be a takes a lot of effort to be a submissive,...
    I agree with tori, have him read this,,,i found it heart wrenching, but very honest.
    hugs abby

    1. abby, I REALLY hope he hears me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I know it has to be hard for him, harder than I know, and I feel so bad for... bringing it up, but I can't do this without his direction, ya know?

      He has read it and hopefully we will get a chance to talk about it tonight.

  3. ((((hugs)))) this really spoke to me, I'm in a similar place at the moment. Really hope talking helps xxx

    (I'm avoiding talking like the plague at the moment, one of my failings)

  4. Misty,
    Overeating happens.
    But so does getting lost in the shuffle.
    I hope it all sorts out.


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