Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Dark Forgotten Corners

When things go wrong I tend to retreat into a space in my head. Different types of "wrong" send me to different corners of this space. The corner that I am currently, balled up in, is dusty and full of spiderwebs; it has been a long time... not long enough.

I had forgotten what it felt like -almost forgot it was there- but once I returned it was shocking yet a familiar feel. A warm blanket, complete with nails to hold it into place.

For the first time, in over a decade, I do not want to be me. I do not like who I am. I am usually able to hide the grime and filth that runs in my veins behind a pretty smile, but every once in a while it shows, and this time is no different from the others, it hurts. DAMN IT, I DO NOT WANT TO BE ME!!!

I feel the anger and hurt for having the cards I was dealt again, instead of accepting them for what they are--just cards that I happened to be dealt.

It is not fair!!

I just want to be... normal.





12 comments:

  1. Misty, my friend, life is not fair, and none of us is normal. Some of us do get dealt a better hand than others, and that is random. Do not think of you as the you from your past.....Hugs sweetie, i wish we could be sharing a cup of hot cocoa.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I know you're right. Trying to stay out of the past but...

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  2. Oh honey, normal isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. It's not fair to continue to have to face and deal with the demons of our past, but every time you do, they become less powerful. Hugs :)

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  3. ((Hugs)). Your past was not your fault. You are constantly trying to do better for yourself. That in itself is a very remarkable characteristic. Don't let what should have been define you. Don't let the demons win. Take your five minute break to visit those demons and show them you are better than ever. Be proud of yourself. At the end of the day, you must love yourself in order to let someone else. It takes time. It takes a lot of stumbles. It takes patience.

    ((Hugs))

    Btw, normal is boring. So adventure to be sought or obstacles to overcome.

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    1. Hs, I'm trying so hard to stay out of the past but I don't want to be in the present either so...

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  4. (((Hugs))) Misty. I agree with the others. Your past is not your fault and it's not fair to have face the demons of the past, but hopefully over time they become less powerful. You are not the person you were then. Do not let the past define you. Easier said than done I know.

    Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts you way.


    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz! It means a lot to have the positive thoughts.

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  5. (((HUGS)))
    I'm not sure 'normal' exists!

    Everyone has a past, it most definitely is not your fault. You can only do the best you can at the time, it's no good looking back with the skills and knowledge you have now and judging yourself in retrospect.

    I'm so sorry the present is also sucking at the moment :( it will pass, hoping hard it will bloody hurry up and do so!

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    1. Thank you, mc kitten!! Things are much, much better. We just needed to talk.

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  6. *hugs* I'm sorry for you feeling this way. I wish I could come through the computer and give you a real hug. We only have one life to live. Whatever you need to live it in the present vs the past is worth the effort. You are worth creating a better reality for yourself despite the cards you were dealt.

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    1. Tomsrose, thank you! You are absolutely right.

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