Saturday, February 22, 2014

Learning a New Right and Wrong

There's been a lot going on over here. Vanilla life things.

And other non-vanilla things.

He happened upon something that appears to have quite the effect on me. I just cum, over and over. It is the darnedest thing really. And a little degrading. And totally hot. I'm trying to not dwell on why I react this way and just go with the flow, which appears to be working just fine.

Alright already! I will just come out and say it.

I did something I shouldn't have. I didn't stop to think and I made the wrong choice. 

I spent too much money on an item; a reoccurring problem of mine. To give myself a little credit, I have been doing loads better but I slipped; now happens to be the worst time to slip.

Knowing this little problem of mine, Master will usually ask how much I spent so I waited for him to ask while I decided to lie or tell the truth. Yep, I thought about lying. I didn't want to disappoint him! 

Except this time he didn't ask.

I tried to tell him, I just couldn't get it out if my mouth.

It was the night after I made the mistake and we were, you know, in the moment, and he told me what a good girl I have been this week... oh the shame! I almost started crying. But I still didn't tell him. I didn't want to ruin the moment, so it kept eating at me. 

Every time I looked at this thing it felt like someone was twisting my gut. And that damn voice in my head wouldn't shut up. You're so incompetent. You can't even do one thing without fucking it up. 

Just to be clear, this is not even a little normal for me. Never have I felt so fucking bad about spending any amount of money. It was awful. Awful, I tell you!

Anyway, I initially thought that if he didn't ask then I didn't need to tell him and if he did ask I could just lie about how much I spent. Then when I realized he wasn't going to ask -and the gut wrenching wasn't going to stop- I knew I had to tell him. I then concluded that I might as well tell the truth because lying would probably eat at me too, so I emailed him (even though he was only a few feet away from me) to say exactly how much I spent and how horrid I felt. 

Damn this crap! What the fuck is happening to me?! Seriously. I don't understand why, how, or when this changed. I don't get why I couldn't just go on without telling him and be okay with it... Ihavedoneitbefore.

This started on Wednesday and I told him on Friday. It might have only been two days but those two days felt like an eternity.

So, the item... it's a planner. A nice leather one that I will be able to replace the monthly/weekly calendar in every year. Which is just freaking awesome because day after day, week after week, year after year, I will have to look at that damn thing and remember all of this... but maybe that is the bright side as well as the dark. It will be a reminder that I need to think about what He would expect of me before I act and when I do slip again -because I'm sure to- I need to tell him right away. 

10 comments:

  1. 1) ((((Hugs)))))

    2) Ah yes, welcome to this slightly odd land where it's impossible to lie - or so painful that it might as well be impossible. Don't panic, it's actually rather nice here once you get used to it!

    3) but but, you can't leave it there, what did he say, what did he do?!

    4) Am also DEVOURED with curiosity as to what the slightly degrading thing is that makes you cum over and over...

    5) Please do disregard 3) & 4) if I've over stepped the mark and been way too nosey! xx

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    1. mc kitten, it is rather uncomfortable right now but I could see how one might get used to it... kind of :)

      Don't ever think you are being too nosy while here! I answered your questions in my latest post :)

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  2. mc summed everything up nicely....in some ways life was easier when i could just keep things to myself......
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby, I think it was MUCH easier before, not better but easier for sure.

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  3. oooh your not going to keep us in the dark are you? lol

    One thing i learnt (the hard way lol) was that keeping things from him never payed off, one i would be consumed with guilt, and two it was made worse that i didnt fess up at the start, i would love to say i have learnt my lesson in this department but its still an error of judgement i do make on occassions still.

    But i do think its better to be honest, you feel better and so will he.

    x

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    1. tori, you and everyone else twisted my arm,lol, I told the rest on my newest post.

      The guilt was awful! I really don't understand how things just change like this; one day it's okay and one day it's not. If I don't fess up right away when it happens again I don't think I will get off as easily, not that it was easy this time, it is just that I think he will be more upset with me.

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  4. I'm with mc :) You can't leave us in the dark lol.

    Good on you for fessing up. I just can't keep things from him or lie. The guilt is too consuming. This is a good change :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I told the rest on my newest post :)

      I think you're right, it is a good change, but right now I feel... too vulnerable.

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  5. So what did he say when you told him? And are you on a budget? And I agree it is better to fess up right away than carry the guilt. Good luck. I am sure he knows you are trying to please him.

    FD

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    1. FD, I shared what he said on my latest post if you have time please feel free to read it.

      I wish I had a budget! That would be so much easier. He does want me to show restraint when spending. It is not really about how much I spend but, if what I'm buying is actually worth the cost and if we truly need the item. This is especially hard for me because I'm good at talking myself into thinking we need something and once I think I need it I don't think a lot about cost.

      Now that you've got me thinking, I'm not sure a budget would do me any good because I would still have the problems listed above. Actually, in the last six months or so, I have probably spent less than he would budget me because I'm so worried about buying something I shouldn't... huh, maybe my Master is on to something here...

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