Monday, February 17, 2014

slave or submissive?

Part of me feels like I am too new to be thinking about what I am or what I am not but isn't it good to reflect on how you feel about such things? I think so.
__________________________

I relish in the thought of giving it all to him; giving him whatever control, over whatever part myself/my life, that he wants. Without a doubt, there are things I would say no to, however that doesn't mean that a year from now I would have the same response. I am open to possibilities. Just because I don't want pizza today doesn't mean that I won't tomorrow.

I am going to veer a little here... I realize that knowing ones limits are useful -and in most cases I think it is a necessity- but with us I don't find that to be the case. We are married. His limits would not be enough to make me want to leave him nor would they change my mind about wanting this lifestyle. If he ended TTWD I would not even think about leaving him--tested and proved true. Not only that, but I find that putting limits on myself, limit my openness for possibilities.

Back to the subject...

From the depths of my being, I want to be able to trust him in making decisions for us; no matter what choice he may choose. And it is possible that I might trust him this way... maybe... maybe not. I trust that he will move us at a pace and level that is right for us. He cares for me, he cares for what we have, and he takes care of his things so I trust that he would never jump into something that could damage us. I also think he would hear me out should I want something or not want something. This applies to kink and non-kink situations alike.

I also want to make him happy in everything I do. This feeling has grown quite a bit in the last couple months and it seems to get stronger with every peak and valley. When I do something he doesn't like it stings more than it used to and when he is happy with me I feel glowey. I really hate the sting and I really love the glowey.

There is something in giving him complete control that makes my very being quiver. It is beautiful and it is equally terrifying; the thought makes me smile and cry at the same time. In slavery, there is a benefit I see that I don't see under another label. I can't really put my finger on what exactly that benefit is -lol- I just know it is there. I see it in words written in various blogs. It is raw and beautiful. It is what a Master takes and what a slave gives, just as it is what a Master gives and what a slave takes. It is what lurks in the background of actions, not the actions themselves.

Am I a slave or a submissive? Honestly, I am not sure and when I think about it I just get confused. I know I want slavery yet I also know that we have far to go before I could consider myself one. Then again I don't think of myself as a submissive either.

I guess, I just am what I am.

24 comments:

  1. "It is what lurks in the background of actions, not the actions themselves."
    Oh, so very well said!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, lil!

      I think with the more "adventurous" actions it is hard to see those lurking reasons but they're always there, sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

      Delete
  2. Its evident from a readers perspective how much you have grown, you summed it up perfectly in your last sentence.

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori, thank you!!! I really love hearing that I've grown as it is hard for me to see sometimes.

      Delete
  3. Labels are so confusing....who really cares if you call yourself submissive or slave or owned or property.....what matters is that it suits the two of you....and that you are what you are...
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abby, they are confusing!! I don't know why I care but I kind of do. I guess I care because I don't want to think I'm something if I'm not...

      Delete
  4. i agree with abby about labels. The great thing about TTWD is that i don't get to decide your dynamic for you and you don't decide my dynamic for me. it's the personal definition of kink within your relationship. Personally i like to think of it as an a la carte menu. i'm going to take a little of this and a little of that, oh i like a lot of this. And there you go...here is our TTWD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. scarlet, I like the a la carte idea! ;)

      But, I think we are one thing more than the rest and everything else is kind of a facet of that. I feel another post coming on. Lol. Yes, I do believe I will finish my thoughts in another post.

      Anyway, I think you are right, for the most part ;) (don't hate me for that last bit!)

      Delete
  5. I loved this Misty, beautiful and well said. I also agree about labels. It doesn't really matter how you define it, what matters is that it works for you and your relationship. "It is beautiful and it is equally terrifying" ... loved that! Loved 'glowy' too :) I call it 'squiffy' lol.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Roz! Squiffy, I love it!! :)

      Delete
  6. Lovely post. I used to get hung up on labels, then rather like Scarlet I came up with buffet menu.... Take what you need and don't worry about what gets left on the table.
    Hugs DF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, DF! Maybe one day I will not be so insterested in what I am...

      Delete
  7. oh yes this! I echo what everyone else says about labels - except... well they do matter, to me. I mean, I'm not that bothered what others think, or whether they agree with me or not, but I do like to have it all straight - or as straight as possible - in my own head. At the end of the day, I think I have lots of overlapping labels! In my heart I know I'm a slave to him ,whether anyone else things I 'qualify' as a slave or not doesn't matter to us xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten, I think I might be with you on this. I really think we are one thing over the others but then we take bits from wherever we want, to make up the rest.

      And I also agree that it helps keeps things straight. I mean gumbo (type of soup) has lots of different things in it, and those things very depending on who makes it, but it still knows it is gumbo! Okay, that might not be the best analogy but you get it... I hope :)

      Delete
    2. oh I love analogy and I LOVE food anologies and YES i get it! crystal clear :D

      Delete
  8. Great post, Misty.
    Have you asked him what he thinks you are?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame, *hand to forehead* well... you would think I would have done that before writing this post but I didn't. Lol

      "Oh, you're my slave," he said nonchalantly and without a second thought.

      I think I will be smiling for weeks now :)

      Delete
  9. I find myself getting caught up with labels, maybe because in the beginning it gives me a group to look at, identify with, and seek answers from. Like right now I would say we're mainly a DD relationship, but I also have aspirations of D/s, possibly M/s (although not sure I understand the difference there). But ultimately I completely agree that it's about what works for each persons relationship and who cares which label, if any, it falls under? I like the idea of picking and choosing what works for you and leaving the rest. So I feel like I've kind of contradicted myself in what I've written, but that's just how my rambly brain works!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tomsrose, lol. Your rambly brain makes sense to me; it matters but it shouldn't. I know it is possible to be a little of a lot of things but I still believe we are one thing over the other... and we can evolve into something else.

      As for the difference from D/s to M/s... okay I just attempted to explain the difference and I did a horrible job, lol, but I think the main difference is the mind set of both parties. There is not any one thing that makes a D/s or a M/s it is the whole of the dynamic.

      Delete
    2. Haha-I don't think your explanation is horrible. It's just hard I think to wrap my brain around the distinction when I'm coming from a background of pure vanilla. It'd be like if you never had chocolate and you were trying to understand the differences between milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, Mexican chocolate, etc...I think a person would have to spend quite a bit of time tasting, experimenting, etc...before the more subtle distinctions become apparent. And damn- I wish we had some chocolate in the house now!

      Delete
  10. I agree about labels being meaningless. You obviously want to serve him. As you continue your journey you will find that you will be whatever he wants you to be. That's all that will matter. The trust in him you seek can only be found through time. Look how far you have come, dear. Relationships evolve. D/s relationships are not exempt. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miss Emily, I do hope that will happen, and if it is going to happen let's hope it happens sooner rather than later. I have definitely come a long way (thank goodness and thank you for pointing it out), but still I have a long way to go. Thank you so much for the comment.

      Delete
    2. It will take time, dear. I know it's hard for you to wait. Your little submissive mind is overwhelmed with self doubt. You will always wonder if you are worthy of your master's attention. That's normal for a submissive. You need to to just let him guide you.He will set the pace.

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?