Thursday, February 13, 2014

That's the Problem With Thinking When You Should Be Talking

Alright. Okay. Deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. Phew. *wipes sweat off brow*

I really thought it was all over... well, everything but the kink.

It's not over. Thank the heavens! 

In the past few days I have learned a lot. 

The most important, we both need to work on our communication.  

I also think part of the problem is that I have a hard time accepting that he truly wants this, so I am quick to jump to conclusions that proves he doesn't want what I want. But the thing is, he does. He really, truly does!

Yay, he wants to beat me!! 

Lol, sorry, I couldn't resist. 

Seriously, beating aside (because it has nothing to do with anything I am talking about here), he wants all of it and just knowing that has given me peace. He may not have had a childhood like mine but he is still just as non-normal as I am. We are two non-normals and that warms my heart. 

Another thing I have learned is that I am not the same person. Despite thinking it was all over I couldn't stop "doing" for him. I tried but I couldn't stop. If anything it made that urge worse. I can't really explain it. All I know is that I cannot go back.

There is one more thing. It's pretty bad.

I need him even more than I thought and that is... really scary shit. Even scarier, I think that need will keep growing. And that is all I am going to say about that... for now... because I am not ready to explore that can of worms. 

16 comments:

  1. i remember the first time i realized that i really Master...it so freaked me out, and occasionally still does. Mostly now, i realize it is part of what makes me submissive, and actually He really does love that i need Him. Glad you are both back on the same page..
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, needing him is scary, really, really, scary, lol.

      I can't even begin to explain what a relief I feel to be on the same page... or at least in the same chapter.

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  2. So glad to hear this Misty. Even as long as we have been at it, I still have those same fears...that He doesn't want or need it. Sometimes, we just get into our own heads too much and it's not for our own good. Part of the journey is learning to trust so I guess we have to trust when they say this is what they want.

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    1. little girl, I'm glad to hear you have this same problem. Well, I'm not glad you worry too but, oh gesh, you know what I mean.

      In this case, with one thing he said in particular, gave me a real reason to believe he didn't want what I want but what I failed to see was that he was just saying he didn't want it right now. Which is completely understandable.

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  3. I have these same thoughts and feelings. The urge too even when we've had a fight and he's mad at me and told me to stop calling him sir because he doesn't think that i can be submissive...i can't. It's not in me anymore to just stop. i might have been very submissive at the moment that i pissed Him off, but that doesn't mean i want to go back to calling Him by His first name instead of Master or Sir. i do worry that i need it more than He does...though only when we go through a rough patch. When things are good, i don't worry about it.

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    1. scarlet, it's crazy! I even had times where I thought 'I'm not going to do that' and a second later I did it anyway! I even found that I was asking myself what would he want me to be doing. I just couldn't turn it off!

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  4. oh gosh ((((Hugs)))) yay that you're back on the same page and all that but - the needing thing - yes, very scary. Dependency - oooer!

    But you know, if you take a good hard look, you'll see that there's probably a fair bit of mutual need and co-dependancy, you know, that's how humans and human relationships work...

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    1. mc kitten, you get me!

      I think you're right, he does need me. I'm not sure exactly how but there is bound to be something. ;)

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  5. Don't feel you are non-normal. This is normal for the both of you. It is what you want and need. Good luck on your journey.

    FD

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    1. FD, thanks for stopping by!

      I don't know why I have this problem with normality. Maybe because I've tried so hard to be normal my whole life? No matter why, you're right. It is normal for us.

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  6. Misty,
    I am happy to hear you are feeling better about it all.
    Communication, yes, that takes work and like all of this TTWD/D/s/M/s stuff it takes two.
    *Big hugs of blue*

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    1. Bleuame, I am so glad too. And I really have learned a lot by this experience, the list keep growing, so maybe I needed to go through this.

      We both agreed we need to talk more.

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  7. Thinking when we should be talking and then talking when we should be thinking... oh yeah, common errors of judgement. Glad to know you can be non-normal together. It's a big club you're joining, lots of members.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Lol, DF. They are both problems, now I just need to figure out when to do one over the other!

      I'm glad to be part of the club.

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  8. Misty, I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. Yes ... communication, lots of it :) I too fear at times that he doesn't want this, when I know that he does. As for needing him, Rick loves that I need him and as mc said, having talked to him a few times about feeling 'needy' I have learnt that it is mutual.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz, funny that communication is the most important thing but is the hardest to do, for me anyway. I think I'm getting better though.

      Thank you!!!

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