Sunday, March 30, 2014

Importance of Colors

It's been over seven months now, since we started ttwd, and I think the biggest changes have evolved over the past month.

It's just starting to feel...easier.

Most of that has to do with me finally seeing that it has to be his way. If I want to belong to him, really and truly belong, I have to do things his way. Not just some things, all things. They are all important.

That sounds so simple when you put it in black and white, but throw a little, or a lot, of color into the mix -especially the color of "want" and "inadequacy"- and suddenly the simple turns into the complex.

I have grown to except these various colors. No, not except them. I have grown to appreciate them. Even "want" and "inadequacy" are colors I can appreciate because, despite them, Master is still here. Other colors I may not appreciate in the moment but, at some point, I am to see the bigger picture.

The bigger picture?

It brings me joy to have him paint my life with the colors of his liking.

Especially when those colors are of the "I'm going to bend you over the bathroom counter, play with your pussy how I see fit, and once I am done with that I will have your boobs, then I will walk away like nothing happened" variety.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Out Of the Loop

I have only had time to read a few posts this week, I feel so out of the loop. It has even been hard to find time to write and reply to comments.

This time away from here has got me worried. Worried that I have said too much -that I have showed too much of myself- and I'm tempted to run away...or delete half of my posts.

I'm, all of a sudden, extremely worried about saying the wrong thing in a comment on another's post--this has always been a worry, but now it is stronger.

I get this way with people too.

I'm not going anywhere, I just want this feeling to pass.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Be Warned...

You might see pigs flying any day now. Why, you ask? Well, this quilt right here...

I made it! I mean to say, I finished it! Amazing. I'm not known to finish projects like this. Thankfully, Master gave me enough pushes to keep going -even made me work on it a few nights instead of letting me cuddle with him on the couch-, without his help it would still be in pieces. 

Don't look too close though, it has enough flaws to drive one mad. At least it works. It even made it though the washer and dryer without disintegrating, which is another reason you might see a flying pig.

Just giving you the heads up.

Okay, maybe I just wanted to brag. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Oh Shit

I'm just going to be blunt here.

Is anal play healthy? Seriously, things are not supposed to go up there.

My worry?

I don't want to poop all over myself when I'm older. Or, you know, in a year. Because if it is going to happen, it will never be at the right time.

There! I said it. It's a real fear of mine.

A few months ago, I had a dream nightmare that my butt hole was huge. I was looking down on myself, I was on my back, and there was my butt hole. I could have dropped a cantaloupe right in! It was awful. I wanted to cry. Still do.

I know I could do research online but, I don't think I want to know.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Losing Control

I have been having this feeling of unease, not a bad unease, just unease.

I'm changing and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it, which is part of the unease.

This nonsense of feeling a lack of attention is something to the unease. I am not lacking in attention, Master gives me plenty (even when he spends all this time watching sports), yet when he leaves for a few hours I feel like...something is missing...and that is scary. He has been playing poker on Friday nights for years--I used to enjoy my time alone, I could do whatever I wanted. Now, it is still the same routine, but it's not the same.

I felt like a lost puppy last night. Pathetic is what that is.

We also have this thing where he is limiting how I get is cock. Damn it, it makes me feel so fucking good. Like more of me belongs to Him, more than just my body, although my body is screaming pretty loud that it is His. I want his cock, I don't want him to limit me, I don't want him to tell me that he won't fuck me...but I do. Take this morning for example, gosh I was so freaking wet, dripping, just from him playing with my nipples -twisting and pulling, nothing out of the normal- and I...just couldn't help it! I had to have him, it was so bad. We were in the spooning position. I was begging and he was saying no, which made it worse. When I asked him to, "just touch my pussy," he pulled my legs apart and started slapping, that is not what I was asking for and he knew it. Then I was past begging and thinking. I reached behind me, pulled down his pants just enough to let his cock out, stuck it in my pussy, and started fucking him. At first, he just kind of laid there and let me. I don't even know if he was into it, I didn't really care. I was that needy. So embarrassing. I can't believe I acted that way. I know he could have stopped me, I would have, had he told me to, but still, that's not like me. I was extremely lucky he let me keep going.

I almost cried the other day when he pointed out what I didn't do, it wasn't that big of a deal, definitely nothing to cry over. It still hurt. I'm not sure Master noticed. I acted on the defense -like I always do- instead of agreeing like I should have done. I don't want him to be right! But he usually is.

There is more, but you get what I'm saying, right?

I'm losing control over me and that scary because I really like how it makes me feel.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Here I am

I'm starting to hate Friday nights. Master usually plays poker, so he is off doing his thing and I'm left to do whatever I want, *sigh*. So here I am, blogging about wishing he wasn't playing poker, which is really unfair of me because he enjoys it.

Master has been watching a lot of basketball. I don't care for it, but he really enjoys March Madness--brackets and nonsense. I try to like it. All I see is men running around bouncing a ball. Master sees plays, strategies, stats, and all that. It's his thing. The man remembers games that aired when he was eight--no joke. I can't even remember my teachers name when I was eight, much less a 5 second play in some sporting event! The truth, I think I might be a little jealous because I want the attention that is going to the games.

Being a mom is interesting. I think if I hear Dora sing, "we did it!" one more time I'm going to burn the damn DVD with a torch. Those of you that don't know what I'm talking about...I kind of dislike you right now.

I guess it is late enough that I can go to bed now.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Answers: Part 7 (Meeting Master and Knowing I'm submissive)

Aurora, over at Not Your Everyday Fairy Tale, asked...

How did you and your Master meet? 

Thank you for this question, I love thinking back to this time. I was nineteen, working as a waitress at a bar, Master would come in a couple nights a week with his work friends. One night he asked me to go to a baseball game, I said yes, and here we are twelve years later. Not only was he good looking but he had his own truck, he had a wonderful work ethic (I had some real winners in my day, let me tell you), he was a manly man--a "I can build a house out of sticks then kill an animal with my bare hands to feed you" kind of man, I didn't stand a chance. One moment that has always stuck in my mind was the first time he said something about my smile; he was looking at me with this huge smile on his face -I thought he was laughing at me for some reason, maybe a booger in my nose- when I asked him why he was looking at me that way he replied, "That smile of yours," I think that was the exact moment I fell for him. It was a couple days later that we went to the baseball game.

When and how did you know you were submissive?

Master and I had found this new way to have sex that really worked for me, I went online to find some cuffs and came across this lifestyle. At first, I was like no way could I ever do that, then a couple months past and I started to consider it because it worked so well in our bed room. I was such a mess, I wanted to ask Master about it but I didn't know if I should because then it would be real, and then what if he didn't want it and what if he did. I don't remember thinking, at that time, that I was submissive, I just thought it would work for us. I think a series of events lead to me figuring out that I was submissive, just little things that pointed me in that direction, you know? Talking with friends about that poorly written series (yep, I said it, they were poorly written) Fifty Shades, reading blogs, knowing how good I feel when I do something for Master, looking back through my past -seeing submissive traits-, little things like that have just come together in my mind and now I know that this is me and I am submissive.

Aurora, I really enjoyed these questions, thank you so much for asking!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Jumping Hurdles

I was laying in bed this morning -being squished by a little one- thinking about my last post and hurdles. 

This life of TTWD has many hurdles; tall hurdles, short hurdles, recurring hurdles, insurmountable hurdles. As I was thinking about all of these different types of hurdles it all became overwhelming. I kept picturing a never ending track with a never ending line of hurdles, and me trying to run this track for the rest of my life. 

I was never good at hurdles--too short. 

I couldn't help but wonder why. Why would I subject myself to jumping a hurdle only to find the same hurdle in front of me again? And if not the same one, a new one, a taller one. 

As overwhelming as it was, I was able to see past the hurdles--even the insurmountable hurdles. I saw that this was the same track I have been running in my whole life. Sure, there used to be less hurdles, but now...the grass is soft and bright green, the sun is warmer and brighter, I can see a little clearer, and there are flowers blooming everywhere. 

Then I realized that, even though I have a lifetime of hurdles to jump, I have soft grass beneath my feet to help me repair between each hurdle and soften the blow when I land, I have the sun to warm me before and after jumping a chilling hurdle, and when I need to rest I have flowers to smell. Not only that but, when I stumble and scrape my knees, maybe even break a bone, the sun and grass transform into a person that cleans my scrapes and holds me while I heal. 

This track and it's hurdles may be difficult to maintain but through all of its beauty I am able to be me and enjoy life the way I was meant to--in that I know it is worth the fall and it is worth jumping the same hurdle a million times to stay here. 

Friday, March 14, 2014

Answers: Part 6 (Movies, Nothing Exciting, and Hurdles)

Tomsrose, over at Tom's Rose, asked a few questions...

1) Do you have a favorite movie?

We don't watch a lot of movies over here -unless you count kid movies- we do enjoy watching TV series, however it is hard to pick one favorite. Some of my favs are Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Dexter, True Blood, Vikings, Game of Thrones, the list could keep going. I do like Bridesmaids and The Proposal (when Sandra Bullock starts singing "sweat drips down my balls" it gets me every time, lmao). 

2) Craziest place you and your hubby have gotten down to business?

I have nothing exciting to say here. All very normal places.

3) Your biggest hurdle in TTWD when you first began? 

This question is much harder to answer than I thought it was going to be because sometimes things are hard and sometimes those same things are easy. I also think that we are still so new that I'm not sure we/I have jumped over any hurdle. The emotional side of TTWD is really hard for me, so much so that I often wonder if I can handle it. It's hard for me not to talk back and I always seem to have the wrong tone in my voice. Now that I think more about it, the first big hurdle had to be when I realized how badly I had been treating my husband. I had to learn to use that as motivation to treat him better. It was hard not to fall apart--I felt so unworthy. I think it was a step that needed to happen in order for me to realize how lucky I am, and in turn that kind of put me in my place. (FYI, I hate that term "put me in my place." It really gets under my skin for some reason.)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Answers: Part 5 (Blow Jobs)

Florida Dom, over at Florida Dom's Corner, asks how did the lifestyle lead to you giving better blow jobs?

Simply put, I didn't care before. I wasn't all that bad and I just didn't think about trying to do better. I hate thinking about how I was before. I digress. I think I just started expecting more of myself.

It was months ago that I got the idea, from a blog, to do some research. I found articles with some good tips, and even a few ways to minimize your gag reflex--I had no idea! Master was out if town but when he got home I was able to test my findings. Afterwards, he wanted to know who's cock I had been sucking while he was away. LOL! I'm sure missing him had something to do with my effort but it sure felt good to hear him say that.

I can actually say that I really enjoy it now--even if it is a pain in the neck (and knees) sometimes.

I have some comments that I haven't replied to and blogs I haven't read, I am sorry for that, but life has been busy and it's hard to fit everything in--I will get to them, promise.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Answers: Part 4 (Fisted)

I have been avoiding these questions from mc kitten, over at Pillow Talk--omg he fisted you?! What was it like? How did if feel? Did you like it or hate it or both or what? Do you want to do it again?

Why have I been avoiding these questions? I can't be sure but, I think it has something to do with the fact that his whole hand was in my pussy and that's just plain crazy! 

His hand was in my pussy.

His hand was in my pussy. 

Maybe if I keep saying it, it will sink in that his entire hand was inside me. 

Once I realized that he was going to stick his hand in me, I just kind of...floated off. That floaty feeling was different this time, or maybe there was something different about Master, like he was more focused. No, focused isn't the word I'm looking for. It was just different, I don't think I can explain. 

I remember thinking that I needed to stay still and quiet. Oddly, I think I was quiet. It hurt, and it felt good, and there was just so much going on that I couldn't get anything to come out of my mouth--like my screams/moans were stuck in my throat.

Honestly, I think there's a lot that I'm forgetting. I remember laying one way on the bed, then I was laying another way, at the end I was on my hands and knees -that's when it got...messy, lol- but I don't remember a lot of in between. I remember his whole hand was inside me--I looked down and, sure enough, there it wasn't. The feel when he made a slight pull/push...yeah, I remember that too--little movements had great impact, I'm sure anything more than that would have been too much. I thought about telling him to stop but I didn't dare -I wanted him to do what he wanted- and it turned out perfect. 

Afterwards, he wiped the hand across my face which was...interesting. 

Holy smokes! His hand was in me.

And, I kind of liked it...a lot...possibly. 

I enjoyed sex the next morning--a perfect combination of wet and soreness to start the day. :)

Thanks, mc kitten, for asking. I'm not sure I would have wrote about it otherwise, and doing so was a good thing. 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Answers: Part 3

scarlet, over at scarlet's submission, asked for my most outrageous/kinky/expensive wish list item for TTWD? 

Assuming I can't pick a room, with lots of kinky items, I would choose...

I love it! I want need it! So simple yet bold and sexy. 

I'm reluctant to share the website because it's mine and I do not want anyone else to have it, but *sigh* I guess I will...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Answers: Part 2

chickadee over at Just Chickie asked a wonderful question--how do you think you've changed up to this point in your journey?

It's a thinker, that one.

I have changed in many ways. I see life in a much different light; it's many colors instead of just one. I see how working at a relationship has endless benefits. I see possibilities. I have opened up sexually. I can say pussy without pausing before I say or write it. I have become more aware of how I treat my husband and, in turn, I hope I treat him better. I'm on emotional roller coaster, where before I was on flat land--a never ending desert of nothing. I give better blow jobs. I write. I laugh a lot more. I crave. I have changed in many ways, indeed.

Master says I'm less bitchy and more whorish--LOL. 

Got another great question from DelFonte over at A Place of Fancies--do you have a long term goal for your TTWD, or are you feeling your way and letting it take you where it goes? 

I'm probably making this question more difficult than it needs to be but...

I had goals, I saw the way I wanted things to go and where I wanted them to end, I planned it all out in my head, then I -got slapped in the face- and realized I didn't take into consideration the one most important thing, the first thing I should have considered, what Master wanted. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's difficult because it's okay to want things but it's not okay to expect them--I think that's what I'm trying to say. Now that I have realized this, things are just kind of working. Go figure, lol.

Now that I've raise my white flag on the subject above, I think that we are doing more of the latter, because it is all still so new, but it could turn into the former... or maybe we would do a little of both?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Answers: Part 1

This is so much fun and I'm looking forward to reading everyone's posts, just wish I had more time in the day! 

First for tori's questions...

1) list 3 things that are on you kink to-do list?
  1. I know this is very general but I really want to try more bondage stuff...and ultimately be suspended. And I'm pretty sure I would love to be tied to a tree(s).
  2. I want to crawl for Master (I was just able to pluck up the courage to tell Master this because you asked this question, thanks for that tori!)
  3. Last but not least, thanks to tori and lil, I want an anal hook. FYI they are still extremely intimidating but I want one :)
2) favorite sex toy?
      With out a doubt, clamps.
3) if you could change one thing only about yourself, what would it be?
After much deliberation, going from changing my eye color to something Master might want to change in my behavior, I have decided that I would want to be smarter (unless I could choose to change the fact that I age???). I want to have a lot of knowledge about general stuff; a much better vocabulary, how to generate electricity from wind, how to make candles with lye and fats, be more worldly, how to build a house, know more about the ocean and it's creatures, I could keep going but I think you got the idea. 
 I will try to get to all of your other questions as soon as I much fun!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Got Questions?

If you have read here before it should be obvious that I have problems talking about certain things. I think this is partly because I have always felt it important to hide myself my life from others but it is also because it is who I am. I'm shy and I care about what people think of me--I wish I didn't but I do. I have to work at being me, just me, not who my family/society says I should be, it is not something that comes easily. I really think who I am here is me; of course there is much more to me than is here but, it is still me, the real me.

This is me trying to not be shy. This is me working at being open about me. He fisted me. I see a lot of people are participating in question and answer month and I'm going to jump on the wagon as well. If you have any questions, I will try not to be shy and answer them.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Good Morning World

What a beautiful day it is turning out to be and it isn't even eight o'clock yet. The sun is shinning -not really, it's snowing- the kids slept late -not really, they were up before seven- I'm drinking my coffee in peace -not really, the kids are loud, always, it hurts my ears- and my pussy has been fucked!!! 

He woke me up this morning pulling and twisting my tits. It was glorious, I came. When he was ready I started to help him into my ass when he whispered in my ear, "I want to fuck your pussy." It was glorious, I think I came instantly. It wasn't near enough though. I want more. Lots more. Like all day. Who cares about the kids, they won't kill themselves. Totally kidding! But seriously, I want more. 

I think I have thanked him a hundred times already. 

This "going without" has really done a number on me. I wonder if this is like orgasm denial--I'm thinking that would be worse, much worse but, I wonder if it would make me feel the same way. 

He said I might get more tonight so, rest assured, I will be on my best behavior. 

I hope he doesn't start to use this against me...