Friday, May 30, 2014

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

IT'S TODAY!! IT'S TODAY!! IT'S TODAY!!

In about five hours we will be kid free!

That is all. Things to do, places to shave. :)

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Is it Friday Yet?

Having my mom here has definitely effected my mind, in a not-so-great way, which has me feeling extra emotional. Oh, you thought I was extra emotional before? Well, me too.

We have been very busy so that helps to keep feelings at bay. And my girls are having so much fun--I love that.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm miserable, because I'm not. 

It's just hard.

Apparently, it's okay for my mom to drink like she does because her doctor hasn't told her to stop. I asked her if she needed someone to tell her to stop, she didn't answer, which is an answer in itself.

Master seems on edge, my failing libido might have something to do with that. He has been understanding, but still. I hope it all works itself out by Friday, becuase if it doesn't...well...I don't want to think about how that would turn out. I guess if all else fails a drink (or five) might do the trick, lol.

I have comments to reply to, blogs to read, and I've been invited to a blog tour (have no idea what that is, but I'm excited to find out! lol), unfortunately, all of that is going to have to wait for another day.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Home is Where I am

My mom is flying in today. Which has got me thinking (it's what I do after all) about home, and how home isn't really home anymore. Home is here, where I am now, and that makes me a little sad.

There are things I miss; my best friend (miss her the most), the food, the sun, swimming pools, warm summer nights, the food, most of my family, the vast array of shopping, state pride, and the food.

But the thought of moving back, and the traffic, no thank you. Which makes me feel like I'm a trader. I was born there, I grew up there, I love my home state, but I just...don't want to live there, lol.

It's nice to think that I'm someone different here, and that my past isn't as close, as it is there.

Now, part of that home is coming to this home.

Don't get me wrong. I really love my mom. She's a great person. She just...was a friend when she needed to be a mother. And she has health problems that she continues to ignore, thus she is killing herself. It pisses me off and scares me.

So anyway, for a kinky end, Master was rubbing his cock on my face the other night, he wouldn't let me open my mouth, even just a little!...you would think that would be easy...but it's not.

Friday, May 23, 2014

So Far, So Good

I'm so excited!

I can't hold it in!

But what if I tell you and then, because I told you, it doesn't happen?

It's true.
I mentioned before that this might happen.

Okay, here goes nothing.

We...

Are...

Getting...

A HOTEL ROOM!!

It's booked.

Next Friday, a week from today, we will be kid free for an entire night!

I think I might cry.

You might ask why such the fuss. Well, it's been approximately one thousand six hundred fifty-two days, twenty-one hours, and fifty-three minutes, since we've had a night without kids.

So...yeah...I'm kinda freaking out.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Master Approved

Lots going on here. Not a lot of time to talk so I'm going to get right to it...

Had a great night with the anal hook. Yep, sure did. Master tied me up stomach down, got the cane (glad it wasn't Master's paddle--I think I should name the thing, got any ideas? Maybe a picture is in order?) to enforced a new rule (I do believe he is serious about this one). Well, hello there, submission! Nice of you to join us again. Once that was over, he put the hook in and decided he needed to go do something not in the room with me, but not before he whacked me a couple times with the cane and left it in front of my face. I could smell it. I felt like I was there forever. He also had me lay on my back, with the hook in...so there was that.

I have a schedule now. Yep, sure do. I put it together, Master approved. And, you know, I'm thinking I should have thought of less things I need to do, lol. See, when I made this schedule, I didn't realize there would be a rule (mentioned above) that coincided. I can't do anything entertaining (reading, writing, computer, etc.) until my chores are done *stunned silence*. I like writing in the morning!! But...I get it. And I hope you all can feel my excitement, because it's there--seriously, I want a lot more of this.

Part of my schedule includes running. Yep, sure does. Went today as a matter of fact. Turns out my lungs are still there, so that's good. Master mentioned me signing up for a race. He's interested in the business being a sponsor next year--can't tell you how great I think this is.

Well, I'd better get going. Master told me I could have this time only if I put a plug in, which has helped me concentrate so much more on my writing. Ha ha. NOT.

The corset doesn't help either.

So, yes, I really do need to get going. Kids to put to bed and all (ahem).

:) giggles

Sunday, May 18, 2014

I lost it!

 My submission. It's gone.

I mean, of course it's still inside me, somewhere, I just don't feel it anywhere.

Master is still Domish, so it's not him. Yesterday I told him that I didn't believe something he said and he twisted my nipple until I did believe him. He is still all, "Do this," and, "Do that," and, "That's not how you do it." And in bed he is still like, "Quit worrying about what I am doing and suck my cock," which, btw, isn't always ever easy to do.

But I don't feel submissive.

Nope. Not at all.

It's gone.

I've been wondering where I lost it, and the only place I can think of is here (A Case of the Crazies) and here (What Happened was...).

Oh, and turns out Master is reading here--once he told me I felt like a complete idiot for worrying that he wasn't.

This is a weird feeling. I still want to be pleasing, I still want to do what he asks, and I am doing that. But I don't feel it. I'm not sure how to explain.

Maybe I just don't feel...owned.

Hold the phone. That is something different! Was I "owned" before? Was that what it was? Is there a difference in feeling submissive and feeling owned?

Well, whatever happened, whatever it is that is gone, I want it back. I don't like feeling this way.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Who Knew?!

We all know how cum is a great source of nutrition...

If I had a nickle for every time...

Well, I was recently informed that Master rubs my cum all over my face because it's good for my skin...

And here this whole time I was thinking he was degrading me, when he was really trying to help me out!

One thing is for sure, if we keep going at this rate, I'm going to look and feel young forever.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

What Happened was...

I was on the edge of crazy and normal. It was like all someone had to do was touch me with a feather to make me fall over the edge...and I knew it.

I told Master crazy was coming. Doesn't that count for something?!

See, one problem -and it's not really a big deal...or it shouldn't be- is that Master is no longer receiving my posts via email. He is logging on to Blogger. Which isn't the problem. The problem is that I don't know he is reading. I know he reads his email and I don't know that he will log on and read here. So I've asked him a few times if he has read here, and he won't tell me. Which drives me crazy. I need to know he reads here! And that he cares about what I have to say. I know deep down that he does care and he probably has logged on, but what if he hasn't?! What's the point if he doesn't read?!

Anyway, I wrote Master a letter about a problem we have been having, an on going problem, a problem that has been a problem for months, and I still can't get it right. I digress. This letter sat on the counter for awhile without him reading it...and I blew up. He's not reading anything I write!!! i.e. He doesn't care!!! The damn thing hadn't even been there for twenty-four hours. See, I'm crazy. Totally effing crazy.

To make matters worse, Master read the letter and misunderstood it, so we argued, which sent me to another level of crazy (off my rocker crazy) . And so we have my last post.

Seriously, I really don't know if I can handle this. The way I acted was uncalled for. I'm just so upset with myself. And I'm upset with Master. And everyone is wrong and I am right! 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A Case of the Crazies

At this point in time, I just want to go back to before; I don't want to feel and I don't want to know that I am, who I am.

I feel like I can't do a damn thing right. Maybe I'm just trying too hard...or not hard enough.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

I don't know if I can handle this... 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Unrelenting Master

My mom is coming to visit in a couple weeks and while she is here we will have an anniversary -the wedding one-, and because of all of that, it is possible that we might get a NIGHT without kids. Because I'm terribly excited, I wanted to buy a little somethin' somethin' as a surprise for Master--something I could give him that night.

I asked him if he would let me spend a little money without asking what I spent it on and, after much deliberation, he agreed. But I should have known...

A couple days past then, I bought my things (online) and, wouldn't you know, that same day he told me that he changed his mind, that I couldn't spend the money. It wasn't the money, but the fact that he didn't know what I was buying (*grins*). I let him know that I had just spent the money and there was no returning what I bought. So, of course, he started asking/guessing what I bought. I tried so hard not to tell him! I lasted like five minutes, lol.

Anyway, I bought an outfit. One that included a corset.

It got here a couple weeks ago, I tried it on that day and haven't put it on since. It wasn't uncomfortable, I actually found it kind of nice (though I'm not sure I like how my boobs look with this type).

Yesterday, I decided to put it on. Again, it wasn't uncomfortable. I had put a dress on over it (just a simple black cotton thing) and asked Master how I looked. He inspected and asked a few questions pertaining to how it felt. I told him it was as tight as it would go (I was sure of it!)...he got it tighter...should have known.

At first it was fine, then some time past -maybe an hour, maybe not even that- and I started to feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Okay, I think you need to loosen it a little."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm very uncomfortable." I was actually starting to freak out.

"Can you breathe?"

I took a second to make sure I could, "Well...yes...but..."

"I don't see a problem then."

"I'm really uncomfortable."

"Tough."

And that was that. It stayed on until he wanted to take it off.

It was totally fucking hot. Not the corset, but Master. He was just so... unrelenting.

He called me names. He put his hand in me. And then he came on my face and mouth.

Totally. Fucking. Hot.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Crossroad Continued

This isn't the first time I have felt this way -I'm actually used to worrying about what people think, it is a part of who I am after all- but I have just been so overwhelmed the past week or so, and I have let my emotions get away from me, again.

After reading all of your comments on my last post, I see I'm not alone (thank goodness!) but I think I see part of the problem, or at least why this has effect me so much (I have been much more upset than I have let on)...

The way I learned to cope with the bad things that happened in my childhood was to avoid emotions all together; even happy emotions, because if you're happy that means it will hurt even more once that happiness is gone. 

Months ago, Master and I were talking a little about this and he said something, I wish I could remember his exact words but it was something like, "It was like you weren't there." It's not like I was never happy, or never sad, I was just detached, not really letting myself fully feel the emotion but I knew it was there.

I think what is happening is, I have no fucking clue how to deal with all of these fucking emotions. They are just so strong, and new, and scary, and exciting, and...I just don't know how to control them. It's like I'm a freaking kid again. ugh.

Anyway, it is clear that this wall I put up as a child is now gone, which is a good thing, but now I need to learn how not to let these emotions get the better of me. 

Thank you all SO MUCH for your comments on my last post! I will reply to them all tomorrow, I would now but I must go because Master is calling :)





A Crossroad of Sorts

I want to write about what happened last night. I want to talk about how Master put the hook in left me tied up to go do whatever it was that he did, and all that followed...

But I'm having a problem.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't write here anymore. I mean I love writing, but I feel like I need to stop sharing me.

Master thinks I should keep writing, so I'm trying.

It's just that being here has become something different. I wonder if anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Maybe I've shared too much. Maybe people don't like what I have to say, or how I write...or me. Maybe I don't fit in here; hell, if I did fit in it would be the first time I fit in anywhere. I have always had these worries, but now...it's different...I've invested.

Admitting this sucks. Bad. Really fucking bad.

I want to be one of those girls that can say exactly what is on their mind without wondering what people think, or if they will hurt someones feelings. What a relief that would be! Just to be what I am without all the worries.

But I'm not that girl...so, yeah, I care. And I really hate that I do.

Monday, May 5, 2014

A New Day...Thank Goodness!

Guilt and I are becoming such good "friends"--if this relationship gets anymore serious we are going to have to give the bitch a room.

You might think it gets easier to deal with after so much of it, but nope, it just gets worse. I'm not sure if I'm just more disappointed in myself or if Master is getting better at inflicting guilt, probably a little of both.

This weekend it reached a whole new level. A level that resulted in me asking  pleading not to cum. I didn't deserve it. Especially not four times. But he was making a point--he can do what he wants with me.

It's over now, but the shadow is still there.

I wonder if I will ever learn.

I have learned that the more I open up and allow myself to feel, the more vulnerable I am to getting my feelings hurt by others, so it's not just Master that can hurt me...yay. I guess I just need to be more careful about what parts of me I share.

But, today is a new day, and I will move on :)

Sunday, May 4, 2014

A Leibster!

scarlet, nominated me for a Leibster. Thanks, scarlet! I feel all special and stuff. 

Anyway, all of you know the rules, but if you don't just head on over to scarlet's blog and read them there. Not only am I not going to share the rules or post the picture, I'm also not going to nominate anyone because I don't want to come up with 11 questions; seriously, I could spend a ridiculous amount of time doing so-- you know me, I really have a knack for over thinking. 

With out further ado...


1.  If you are spanked/paddled/cropped/whipped/etc, which part of the body do you like it best?  least?

I'm only at question one and I'm having trouble answering, lol. I guess my favorite would have to be my back or butt. I think the worst would have to be the inside of my thighs...but even then, that can be nice :)

2.  Favorite book or author?

Oh gosh. Ummmmm. I really don't have a favorite. I'm reading Gone Girl by Gilliam Flynn at the moment, is that okay for an answer? 

3.  Favorite holiday?

Halloween

4.  Share an embarrassing moment from your childhood.

Not telling!!

5.  Name an implement you would like to "retire" if given the choice.

Master's paddle

6.  One place you would like to vacation if money were not a factor.

The world. I want to see it all! So I might be a little greedy, what's the big deal?

7.  Do you have an hidden talents?

I can do a headstand. 

8.  Are you involved in your local scene?  If not, why not?

We're not. I'm not sure if Master is interested in being involved...

9.  Does any family/friend (non-kinky) know about your dynamic?

Nope. I don't plan on telling anyone. Ever. 

10.  What is your go-to, will impress anybody, dish to serve?

Click here, though I'm not sure it's impressive :) but people seem to like it. 

11.  Favorite sex toy? 

The anal hook.

Now I'm supposed to tell you 11 random facts about myself...

1. I have brown eyes
2. I like swimming
3. I've a problem with heights
4. My favorite color is yellow
5. My shoe size is 8
6. I must have eye liner!
7. I love orchids
8. I have two tattoos
9. I have never seen Gone with the Wind
10. Master bites my ears, and I loathe it
11. We live in a house