Tuesday, May 6, 2014

A Crossroad of Sorts

I want to write about what happened last night. I want to talk about how Master put the hook in left me tied up to go do whatever it was that he did, and all that followed...

But I'm having a problem.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't write here anymore. I mean I love writing, but I feel like I need to stop sharing me.

Master thinks I should keep writing, so I'm trying.

It's just that being here has become something different. I wonder if anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Maybe I've shared too much. Maybe people don't like what I have to say, or how I write...or me. Maybe I don't fit in here; hell, if I did fit in it would be the first time I fit in anywhere. I have always had these worries, but now...it's different...I've invested.

Admitting this sucks. Bad. Really fucking bad.

I want to be one of those girls that can say exactly what is on their mind without wondering what people think, or if they will hurt someones feelings. What a relief that would be! Just to be what I am without all the worries.

But I'm not that girl...so, yeah, I care. And I really hate that I do.

24 comments:

  1. I think we all go through those moments where we let the doubts and insecurities surface. I know I do, I've almost stopped writing several times, but I always get drawn back. I come back because it helps me to write and this is the only place I have ever felt like I fit in. Good luck figuring it out, I for one hope you continue.

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    1. Faerie, thank you so much! I'm finding it really hard to keep my doubts at bay; I know they're not real but I can't help but wonder, you know?

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  2. I hope you continue...i have at times considered stopping....but really this is one of the few places where i can be me...the me that just about no one knows about. Besides, i would miss you.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I think that's part of my problem, that here I am me, the real me, and I'm more open than I have ever been. I'm sure no one here would ever use this information to hurt me but it's just scary...

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  3. I really hope you continue. It had been awesome seeing you grow. I think it's normal. I surely have felt the same way. Remember, you do fit in.

    Share the adventure. Open yourself up more. Be amazed at what happens. I for one love reading recants. It gives me ideas of what I might want to explore with Master. It helps me open my mind.

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    1. hs, I want to fit in, and admitting that is just as hard as wanting it.

      Open myself up more?! Oh gosh. lol.

      I love reading other's posts, it really does help open my mind, and I don't know why it's so hard to think I could help others...I mean, really, I'm just so new, what help could I be?

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  4. Misty, i have just published a post which has been in my draft folder for just over a week, i had been hesitant in posting it, especially after my little meltdown back in March, but Master said i had nothing to feel ashamed about, and dammit i dont, but yet i am concious of how i may be percieved.

    However, in general i blog for me and for my Master, as much as i love the interaction with others, getting comments and commenting on others, i dont write for an audience.

    try, and yes i know its difficult, to remember that what other people think, especially if its judgemental etc it says more about them than it does you.

    x

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    1. tori, I actually read your post before you commented here. I knew it had to be hard for you, because of what happened in March, and I didn't comment because I didn't want to say something that would make you second guess posting it. lol. Why do I do stuff like that?! Why can't I say, "that was HOT," and move on?! Seriously, I sat there for like five minutes wondering what I should say, then I gave up. lol.

      Anyway, I started blogging for me, then it turned into something that was for Master and I, and something happened (who knows what) and I have become so worried about what all of you think about me and I've just lost track of what this should be.

      thank you so much, tori!!

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  5. Oh gosh I get like this in every single area of my life. Blogging, leaving comments, replying to comments, even liking stuff on Facebook. I overthink everything and worry like crazy. I think I'm sometimes like a little kid who just wants everyone to like me.

    Phillip told me (and often reminds me) when I started blogging that you really can't please everybody so not everybody is going to like what I write or say but that's okay. If I just be myself, then I'll find the people who like me for the 'real me' and not something I'm pretending to be. I still struggle with this (I'll probably freak hitting publish on just this comment)...but I do think for the most part I've gotten better in all areas of my life since I started blogging here.

    I do hope you continue to write--especially about the things you want to write about it. I love reading your posts because they're full of so much honesty.

    hugs,
    aurora

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    1. aurora! yes! exactly!!!!!! I don't even get on Facebook anymore, I got to where I had to "like" everything, because if I didn't "like" it then what if that person thought I didn't like it? ugh.

      Don't get me started on how I worry about the comments/replies I make here. There are a couple that haunt me; I don't know what in the world I was thinking when I made them!

      Phillip is right and I do know that (somewhere deep inside), but it's soooo hard to be the real me, you obviously know how hard it is and it is so nice knowing I'm not the only one.

      Hang in there, aurora, you will be you again! I wish I had a magic pill that would make it all go away. If you ever want to chat, I'm just an email away.

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  6. Hugs! i hope you continue to write. i know that i have enjoyed reading your stories and conversing back and forth with you as we both figure out our journeys. It's not always easy. In general, i don't write to please my audience. i write to process my thoughts and my emotions and if someone has a helpful thought, comment, or opinion so be it, if not, well it just helps to get it out of my brain. But i have written things that i wonder how people perceive them. And i have started to make comments and then stopped and erased everything because i worry that my words in print don't come across the same way i intend them. Self-doubt happens. i think this platform has so many benefits for us though.

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    1. scarlet, I have definitely held back from writing things that I don't think people want to hear, and I don't know why I do that. I really want to move past it but I'm not sure I ever will...maybe one day.

      I enjoy your posts and comments as well. I can't wait to read more about what is going on over there!!! I'm just so happy your Master is home! I did see you posted but I haven't had a chance to read it yet.

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  7. I hope you continue. I most definitely have those days, weeks even, of wanting to write but be invisible at the same time - I'm fighting it at the moment. I doubt anyone is interested in anything I write, I struggle to comment too, that I'm too exposed or likely to offend somebody. Like Tori I write and leave things unpublished in drafts, sometimes I hit publish, other times I leave them as drafts or eventually delete. After a year of blogging, I'm still here and I could count many times the moments I have come close to not being here.
    Faerie is right, this is the only place I fit in. My other blog, the author one, is a ghost and coming to this part of blogland is much more real and comforting.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. DF, I'm going to be honest, I have not been commenting on your posts as much because (deep breath) we are different in our kink and I can't help but wonder if you want me commenting. omg. I can't believe I said that, but it's true. I read most of your posts and I REALLY enjoy them but, yeah, I just don't know if I should comment because I see a lot of DD and spanking types around your place and I'm not that, and...yeah, so there you go. But, I like everything you write, you write so well. And your book! I'm in awe of you.

      I'm going to click publish now...deep breath...omg...

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  8. oh I do hope you'll continue - I'd miss you, and I'm eternally curious so I'm desperate to hear more about the anal hook!

    You do have to do what feels right for you of course, but I think it does get easier to publish and be damned, as it were, the more you do it.

    To be honest, I have the opposite problem - i probably don't think enough about how what I'm writing might effect others, and then when I do accidental trample on someone's toes, I'm mortified and really upset, being the delicate (but tactless) little flower that I am!

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    1. mc kitten, lol the hook is amazing!

      I can't imagine anything that you write effects others in a bad way! Gosh, it would be SO nice not to worry, you should think of that as a gift!

      Thank you for saying you would miss me!

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  9. In my opinion this is the one place where you should be able to write everything and anything that is on your mind, or happening without fear of anything negative resulting. I have enjoyed what I have read so far since you discovered our blog.

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    1. Mistress Marie, everything and anything that is on my mind?! Do you have a paper bag handy, because I'm having a problem finding my breath? lol.

      You are right, it should be a place I that can be me without all the worrying, maybe one day...hopefully.

      Thank you for saying that you have enjoyed what you have read!!

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  10. I care about what you have to say, and obviously there are others that do too. There's an old saying
    "I've learned to teach my heart things that it can't have" and one of the thins we can't have in the blogging world is instant or verifiable feedback. I tried to understand this going in. My very first commenter (Mistress Marie) gave me some very good advice in the very beginning, and that was not to let the number of comments (or the lack thereof) dictate how it is that you feel. She also suggested that if I used my blog as place to "throw it out there", I've already realized a benefit of blogging that I wouldn't otherwise have. Mistress Marie is a pretty smart Mistress knowing and then sharing this wisdom. it's why she is one of my favorite "followers" of my blog!

    Oh, and I can see that she happens to be one of your commenters, spreading more wisdom. Lucky you!

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    1. sub hub, thank you!

      When I first started writing I didn't expect to get many comments, if any, and still to this day I'm surprised that anyone comments or follows. I mean, I don't know a thing about writing and I'm just little ole me. But these past couple weeks my mind hasn't been in the right place and I've let things effect me and my writing.

      Sounds like you got lucky when Mistress Marie found your blog :) She is a new follower of mine.

      Thank you, again!

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  11. Misty,
    Oh yes...we all feel this way.
    For me though, Blogland has just become to valuable to my sanity not to keep continuing...in whatever way I can.

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    1. Bleuame, I think why there was a conflict for me at all was because I do like it here, I like writing, it has helped me in a lot of ways, but knowing that all of you "know" me this way is freaking scary.

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  12. Ah Misty,
    I think there is an ebb and flow to Blogging much like everything else in life.

    I don't tend to worry about fitting in, only because I've never really fit in anywhere, so I put a lot of effort into not trying. If that makes any sense...

    Anyways, I had to pick and choose who I could visit today because I have no time, and I'm here, so what it's worth, there is one crazy little un-fitting-in woman across the way who will continue to read here no matter what you decide to say.

    For me, Blogland is a place where I can be myself, and sometimes it's scary, but sometimes all of the very best things are...

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  13. lil, I can't tell you how much it means to have a crazy little un-fitting-in woman making a comment like this on my blog. Seriously, thank you, lil!

    I tend to not care when I don't fit in, feels kind of normal, but it just got to me this time. I don't normally share a lot about myself which I think has increased my insecurities. sigh.

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