Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Crossroad Continued

This isn't the first time I have felt this way -I'm actually used to worrying about what people think, it is a part of who I am after all- but I have just been so overwhelmed the past week or so, and I have let my emotions get away from me, again.

After reading all of your comments on my last post, I see I'm not alone (thank goodness!) but I think I see part of the problem, or at least why this has effect me so much (I have been much more upset than I have let on)...

The way I learned to cope with the bad things that happened in my childhood was to avoid emotions all together; even happy emotions, because if you're happy that means it will hurt even more once that happiness is gone. 

Months ago, Master and I were talking a little about this and he said something, I wish I could remember his exact words but it was something like, "It was like you weren't there." It's not like I was never happy, or never sad, I was just detached, not really letting myself fully feel the emotion but I knew it was there.

I think what is happening is, I have no fucking clue how to deal with all of these fucking emotions. They are just so strong, and new, and scary, and exciting, and...I just don't know how to control them. It's like I'm a freaking kid again. ugh.

Anyway, it is clear that this wall I put up as a child is now gone, which is a good thing, but now I need to learn how not to let these emotions get the better of me. 

Thank you all SO MUCH for your comments on my last post! I will reply to them all tomorrow, I would now but I must go because Master is calling :)





12 comments:

  1. I can identify with you....not from childhood, but from my ex...i had built many and strong walls....they were to stay in place forever. That worked, until i met Master. It was not easy...for Him or for me.....but having those walls crumble, is freeing....they actually were a heavy burden. hugs..
    abby

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    1. abby, I didn't even know this wall was there! Not that anyone knows about the walls they put up. But now that it's gone...wow! It's like I was looking out a dirty window my whole life, but now it's clean. Who knew feelings could be so strong?! I just need to get used to it...

      Thank you, abby, for your advice and support!

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  2. Misty, I read your previous post and didn't get to comment before this one. You are definitely not alone and I am so glad the comments you received gave you some reassurance. I have also thought about stopping blogging numerous times. My blog is inactive at the momrnt, but that is due to having no computer at the moment and working off a tablet. Too difficult to write posts on. I miss it.

    I am so glad the walls you built as a child are diminishing and that you are allowing yourself to feel. It is scary, but a very good thing! I love reading here and seeing the growth in you :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, blogger is so difficult on tablets!

      I know it is a good thing this wall isn't there anymore, but it is not easy. I feel so...out of control.

      I always enjoy your comments and support, Roz. I see you commenting everywhere, all the time, and I don't know how you do it; I know you read many more places than I do. You are amazing! I'm so glad you found me here!

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  3. detached aloofness is what i get accused of frequently. Master can't what i'm feeling because i don't share and i've got a pretty good poker face. One that i've perfected after years of dealing with my BSC mother. i don't let people in because i don't want to risk being hurt or being shown as weak, i've learn to shut down and hide those emotions. It's a pretty tall wall that i've built. And i don't think we've taken it completely down yet, but we're working on it. The emotional rush is really intense. When Master came home, i had a couple of panic attacks while we were playing. Not from fear or pain, but from not being able to process the emotional rush that hit me. Neither one of us expected that. It has made us more cautious going forward (sometimes too cautious). But in the long run, we will (i will) be healthier and stronger for it. Always here if you need to talk.

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    1. scarlet, you totally get it!

      I'm pretty sure my wall is gone, god I hope it is because I'm not sure I can handle any more!

      I think I would have had panic attacks had Master not been here when we started. Yes, I'm sure of it. It's good that you're taking it slow.

      The emotional side of this has been BY FAR the hardest thing for me. I had no clue I could feel so strongly about anything.

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  4. (((hugs))) dealing with emotions are hard, especially if you've been detaching and walling them up. Some perspectives I've found helpful - you are not your emotions. They are part of you, yes, but you're experiencing them - they're no more you than the pain and pleasure sensations you process during sex/play etc. So let them pass through you, observe them, learn from them if you can, learn to see what they are indicating and trying to tell you. But don't feel bad for having them - having difficult or bad or negative feelings does not mean that you are any of those things xxx

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    1. mc kitten, you are right! I think it's just hard for me to let them pass through because I'm not used to them, but maybe, now that I know what is going on, I will be able to do just as you say.

      "you are not your emotions" I like that!!

      Thank you so very much!!!!

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  5. There is so much i would like to say here but it will turn into a blogpost in its own right lol so i shall try to keep it relatively small.

    My childhood although not a really bad one, in fact some might say i had it really good! but my mother is what we shall call a socialite, image was and is everything to her, and she had high expectations of me. She didnt allow public displays of emotion, she considered it bad taste, when my pet died, i was perhaps 7 or 8, naturally i cried, my mother was mortified, told me i was weak to let my emotions show.


    That was how she was, still is, she even now considers me a disappointment because i strayed from the path that she had mapped out for me, and it has damaged me, which is where im getting to the point.

    Im not good with emotions, i have got better since having my children, but i struggle with showing how i feel, i very rarely will tell my Master i love him, and i bottle things up because there is still this little part of me that thinks if i talk feelings or emotions then its a sign of weakness.

    Its taken Master a long time, and still not there really,to get me to open up and talk, and i dont like it even now, i find it very uncomfortable, i am quite stoic.....which is why sometimes i do have huge blow ups, like i did back in March...it just was all too much for me, i bottled it up and then wham it exploded.

    I do think it does get not perhaps better but easier to deal with, and time, lots of times.

    and honestly, anytime, im only ever an email away if you need to vent or anything

    x

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  6. I can't imagine what that must have been like, tori. She didn't want you to cry over your dog? Maybe I should punch this women for you? :) I lost my dog a year ago and I still cry about it (which is kind of pathetic, lol). I do, however, have a grandmother that finds image very important. I spent a lot of my childhood with her, fond memories but I think I can understand a little of what you are talking about.

    It takes a lot of effort for me to open up too. It's not always that I mind talking, but it is talking about how I 'feel' about things that is hard. I could tell you about my dad, the things he has done, and be very detached about the whole thing, but talking about how he makes me feel is a completely different story. I'm clamming up just thinking about it.

    Anyway, I have been trying to bottle up these feelings, and it's really not working out too well, lol. I just keep thinking I can ignore them, they keep growing, and just like you I explode. I'm really not used to this, exploding and being all "my world is falling apart because someone sneezed" (okay, that might an exaggeration...but not as far off as I'd like it to be). I hope you're right, that it gets easier.

    Thank you so much, tori. Asking for help/advice is also something I find hard to do, I really do need to get better at that.

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  7. Misty,

    As someone who lives on pure emotion...for a variety of reasons...In my opinion, I think people spend a lot of time trying to control their emotions, try to stomp them down and of course, you should channel them but if you can learn how to listen to what you are feeling and how to actually use them, then you can understand how vitally important emotions are--and not shut them off but embrace them.

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    1. Bleuame, I can see why it is important to embrace and use emotions (truly, I do), I just don't know how to do that...

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