Sunday, May 18, 2014

I lost it!

 My submission. It's gone.

I mean, of course it's still inside me, somewhere, I just don't feel it anywhere.

Master is still Domish, so it's not him. Yesterday I told him that I didn't believe something he said and he twisted my nipple until I did believe him. He is still all, "Do this," and, "Do that," and, "That's not how you do it." And in bed he is still like, "Quit worrying about what I am doing and suck my cock," which, btw, isn't always ever easy to do.

But I don't feel submissive.

Nope. Not at all.

It's gone.

I've been wondering where I lost it, and the only place I can think of is here (A Case of the Crazies) and here (What Happened was...).

Oh, and turns out Master is reading here--once he told me I felt like a complete idiot for worrying that he wasn't.

This is a weird feeling. I still want to be pleasing, I still want to do what he asks, and I am doing that. But I don't feel it. I'm not sure how to explain.

Maybe I just don't feel...owned.

Hold the phone. That is something different! Was I "owned" before? Was that what it was? Is there a difference in feeling submissive and feeling owned?

Well, whatever happened, whatever it is that is gone, I want it back. I don't like feeling this way.


  1. Things change. My favorite thing used to be watching sports, now it's playing Candy Crush. Sometimes one just needs to go with the flow. For example, right now I could be fixating on what's going on with the Champions League, but instead, I'm trying to get through the next level of Candy Crush. I'm aware that I have no urge to watch sports these days, and I'm aware that it's odd, but whatever. I also have no urge to listen to Heavy Metal anymore. Lol.

  2. It's there. You are blocking it. The question is why? In ways, your mind works like mine. When I come to a realization that this is right, want more, etc., I accept He does want me, it becomes to much. I'm not use to it. So, what do I do? I hide. I RUN! You are not wanting to feel it because it is scaring you. The revelation that you are worth more than you have ever been treated. That He accepts ALL of you.

    Sounds like you have lost trust in yourself.

  3. Misty, I agree ... it is there. You 'want' to be pleasing and do what he asks and are stll doing so. I think we go through periods like this. It will come back.


  4. ((((hugs)))))

    yeah, the not feeling owned, not feeling the submission thing - it's a bit of disconnect I think. I agree with HS, could be a fear/flight reaction?

  5. Misty,

    I think the fact that your Master is merely only "domish" is a place to look at. Is it possible perhaps that his level of domination and the way he demonstrates it, isn't measuring up to your preconceived notion of how he should be/appear/act?

    Keep plugging away at it but don't do it alone. Plead with your Master if you need to, but do this discovery together.

    Love your writings btw!

  6. Misty,

    Sometimes it is just an upward, downward cycle.
    Sometimes, "faking it until you make it" really does work.
    Hang in there :)

  7. I'm going to answer you all at once to save a little time, hope none of you mind.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all of your comments!!! I think I did get overwhelmed with everything that's been going on, and my mom is coming to visit, then Master and I had that argument, so I closed up. I'm sure this has happened before but it was more noticeable this time.


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