Wednesday, May 14, 2014

What Happened was...

I was on the edge of crazy and normal. It was like all someone had to do was touch me with a feather to make me fall over the edge...and I knew it.

I told Master crazy was coming. Doesn't that count for something?!

See, one problem -and it's not really a big deal...or it shouldn't be- is that Master is no longer receiving my posts via email. He is logging on to Blogger. Which isn't the problem. The problem is that I don't know he is reading. I know he reads his email and I don't know that he will log on and read here. So I've asked him a few times if he has read here, and he won't tell me. Which drives me crazy. I need to know he reads here! And that he cares about what I have to say. I know deep down that he does care and he probably has logged on, but what if he hasn't?! What's the point if he doesn't read?!

Anyway, I wrote Master a letter about a problem we have been having, an on going problem, a problem that has been a problem for months, and I still can't get it right. I digress. This letter sat on the counter for awhile without him reading it...and I blew up. He's not reading anything I write!!! i.e. He doesn't care!!! The damn thing hadn't even been there for twenty-four hours. See, I'm crazy. Totally effing crazy.

To make matters worse, Master read the letter and misunderstood it, so we argued, which sent me to another level of crazy (off my rocker crazy) . And so we have my last post.

Seriously, I really don't know if I can handle this. The way I acted was uncalled for. I'm just so upset with myself. And I'm upset with Master. And everyone is wrong and I am right! 

15 comments:

  1. Misty by all means feel free to tell me to shut up lol but you said it yourself that you know deep down he does read what you write here so what exactly are you seeking from him in this respect? acknowledgement of what you write?

    With no disrespect intended towards your Master, an argument could well have been avoided, if on reading the letter he had sat down with you and discussed it, to clarify what was meant in the letter, so it seems that rather than addressing the problem that the letter was about it turned into an argument and the problem is left unresolved.

    May i suggest something which you both might find useful, its something Master and i make a point of doing once a week.

    We sit down once a week, usually on a Sunday evening and have a discussion about us, its a time for me to say whats on my mind, like if i was pissed off at something he did etc, or he might suggest something i need to work on, basically its a time to re-cap the week gone, get things out in the open.....calmly, both listening as well as talking to one another.

    Having this time, set aside, for me is important, of course we talk at other times but well work, kids etc often things get left, so its something i look forward to.

    Its worth a try!

    x

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    1. Tori, I would never tell you to shut up! I prefer you to tell it like you see it; it's refreshing and I handle it well.

      I really don't know what I'm seeking. I don't need him to tell me that he reads every post, I definitely don't need to have a conversation about every post...I guess I am just looking for acknowledgement that he is reading. You know, maybe I just feel insecure, and knowing that he reads helps me feel more confident??? I bet that has something to do with it.

      Don't get me started on our argument, lol. But what I will say is that his reaction is not helping me to open up. And the problem wasn't even mentioned.

      We will work it out, I'm sure.

      I like the idea of sitting down once a week, maybe Master will want to do that.

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  2. Oh my friend...you sound like me during the first few years with Master.....I would send Him an email at 2 AM...if there was not an answer by the time i woke up..i was off. As the two of understand each other's needs...and limitations...better, it will get better. Keep breathing.....and i agree with Tori...you both need some quiet talk time...
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, you mean it's not just me?!?!?? Lol. seriously, I feel so crazy! And even though I know I'm acting crazy I can stop myself! What is that about?! :)

      Thanks abby!

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  3. Misty,

    It takes some practice, honest.
    And for me, some of that practice was patience and realizing that I could not (or would I want to) dictate his behaviour by expecting or even demanding the response that I wanted from him. Feeling like I had to, have the response I wanted from him, in that moment, had a lot to do with my own insecurities, that I worked through over time.
    If you know that he will read what you write..then why make the issue of it? What kind of acknowledgment are you seeking from him, that he isn't giving?
    And to be blunt: If it's crystal clear to him, that you need his reassurance that he is reading, and he isn't giving you anything...not even a "Don't nag me about it. Wait and I'll let you know", then the communication isn't great on his side,either (that's just an observation, not a criticism...I don't mean to be disrespectful).
    Hang in there, it does get easier.

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    1. Bleuame, oh yes, I got a "stop asking me, or I won't read it." And just to be clear, I did not ask a million times a day. I asked once a day for a few days, I got that response, and I haven't asked since. :)

      I really don't know why it's such a big deal. I did have the thought, while responding to tori, that maybe I feel insecure. I'm surprised to read you had the same thought. Maybe that is the root of the problem. The more I think about it, I'm sure that's it, because I don't normally need an acknowledgement (even though it's nice when he does). Huh. I might need to think more about this :)

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  4. Hi,

    One of the best Master's I know meets with his submissives every week to allow them to talk to him about anything that is on their mind. Perhaps Master should set some time for you each week.

    Hugs,
    joey

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    1. joey, that does sound like a good idea, having a time set aside for that, but I do get plenty of opportunities to talk and I don't always take them...

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  5. oh Misty ((((hugs))) this so isn't just you! You know you were talking about how TTWD was meaning you feeling things, and feeling emotions so much more, and so much more intensely?

    Well, yeah. Hense the intense need for acknowledgement and reassurance and MORE of it and NOW!

    At least, that's been my experience.

    If you can just deep breath and calm down, you may see that you and He are just set at different volume levels, you're still singing the exact same tune xxx

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    1. mc kitten, you're right, I know you're right. I'm still upset with how I acted, lol. I really need to get over it though...

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  6. Hugs Misty, some great comments above and I agree with everyone. You are definitely not alone in this!

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz. Is does help to know I'm not alone.

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  7. Wow, yeah, this would be stressful for me too. But for me, it wouldn't be that I want him to be reading, it would be, did he read it? Does he know what I said about that? Does he know how I feel about that? If he does, how does HE feel about it and about what I said? That would make me absolutely nuts. So there's no way I would ever want him to know about my blog. For example, if Master does something that annoys me, I need to be able to vent freely on my blog. But the text telling him how I feel would be much more delicate. If I ranted in my texts to him the way I rant on my blog, we wouldn't have lasted beyond one encounter.

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    1. Tiklish, oh I wonder that stuff too, lol, but it's easy for me to push those wonderings to the side; I know if he has something to say about it he will, the important thing is that he knows what is going on in my head. But if he's not reading than he doesn't know, as I'm not so great at verbal communication, yet...it's getting a little better.

      So really, my blog isn't so much for me, but for us. I mean it is for me, but by helping me it helps us...if that makes sense :)

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    2. Yes, makes sense, and your situation is different than mine, since you're in a committed forever relationship, and mine isn't, so I do have to be careful what and how I communicate things, because if there's too much drama, Master won't want to do this with me anymore.

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