Monday, June 30, 2014

Day One of My Life with...RULES!

I'm feeling a bit like a girl that just got asked out on her first date (maybe I should practice writing his last name with my first name?) I keep looking at my phone to read the text Master sent me yesterday morning. It's my list of rules!!! Giggle.

Some of them I've already been doing, but it's exciting to see them written out, by him. They seem to hold a different meaning now, they're more...important, somehow. 

There are rules about shaving, and Ben Wa Balls, and what he wants me to wear, and chores, and...other stuff I'm forgetting because I'm just so excited! 

Ekkkkk! I have rules! 

Yeah, I know...I'm a nerd. :)

Sunday, June 29, 2014

BDSM, It's More Than What You Think

I'm not sure I have completely grasped what it means to submit (more accurately, what it means in this house) but, it's not what I thought it was going to be, that's for sure. It's so much more. It's better. But how great it is, is not what I want to write about.

I think when you start down this road, an idea forms, an idea of what ttwd is going to be like...it's nothing like that.

It's not rules. Or being polite. Or kink. Or punishments. Or sacrifices. (Well, it can be those things, but it doesn't have to be.)

It's trust. And love.

It's trusting someone with your body and mind. It's trusting someone when they say you have done good, when you think you have done bad. It's trusting someone when they say you're beautiful, when you feel like an old beat up truck. It's trusting in yourself--for more reasons than I have time. It's trusting that you are doing the right thing, when society says otherwise. It's trusting someone when they say, "You can," when you don't think you can. It's trusting that someone is there for you, even when you don't feel like they are. It's trusting you can do more/better, when you can't fathom it.

Trust is behind everything. Without it...you got nothin'.

Personally, I don't think you can have this sort if trust without love. I'm not saying you have to be in love (that would be silly for me to think that!), but love has to be there. 

Go ahead and look at the definitions for love. Don't worry, I will be here when you get back.

Now that you've done that, tell me love isn't a part of this.

It doesn't have to be a love for a person (though that's nice to have), but a love for what you're doing. If you love something -or someone- you are careful with it, you are not reckless. And that's important, always, in every type of BDSM relationship. 

Everywhere I look it's trust and love! I don't know why, but I find this amazing :) Can it all boil down to trust and love?!

Maybe that's why this is so hard in the beginning...trust and love are not easy things to do. However, we are born with the ability to do these two things, and with time we can learn to do them again. 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Next Week

I haven't had a lot of time to spend around these parts lately; very little time for reading other blogs (and honestly, I haven't felt much like reading, for various reasons) and I haven't even answered comments on my last couple posts. I'm feeling pretty bad about all of this, but when Master tells me I have fifteen minutes -or whatever amount of time- I use it to write...

The last few days -well yesterday was better- I haven't done so great with my schedule. Master understands, and I kinda wish he didn't...

I'm not going to beat myself up about it this time. If he can justify it, then so can I.

But next time, despite what else is going on, I will do better.

I could have done better this time...nope not going there, not going to let it happen! If he thinks I did a good job, than I can...I really didn't do a good job...sigh....this isn't working.

I just don't know what my problem is! Why can I not do these simple fucking things?! I feel like I've let him and my kids down, but I haven't...so why do I feel that way? It's not like the house is dirty, or unsafe, or anything.

Maybe, this time, I've just let myself down.

And to top it off, I've been upset with Master for not thinking I could have done better, and that's not fair.

*Deep breath*

Next week, I will do better.

Friday, June 27, 2014

So That's Where it Went


Hope all of you have a fabulous weekend, and if you find tomorrow will you tell my motivation to come back?

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

It's All Working

The new schedule is working out. There have been couple snags (isn't there always?), but for the most part it's working...or I'm working...whichever way you choose to look at it. Each week (I think we're on week 4, or is it just 3?) I get closer and closer to getting everything done, and it feels pretty darn good.

Turns out if you clean your house regularly, it's cleaner (one smart cookie, sitting right here, lol), so that's been nice.

Master has informed me that change is coming, and I'm patiently waiting for him to inform me of said changes.

I've been thinking a lot about how Master and I have changed. A lot of it seems to have been gradual thing. Like how I'm supposed to ask, or be told, to take a shower--how/when did that start?! And shaving, when was it decided that I need to shave "down there" every day? (Oh, that's right, that started when he started expressing how much he liked that *grins broadly*)

My attitude is changing as well. Take yesterday for example, I had washed the pans after dinner and left them to dry while I tended to other things. After the kids were in bed he tells me, "These are not done if they are still sitting here. There is no reason they should sit here longer than ten minutes." Normally, I would come back with something like, "I was picking up and getting things ready for the night! I wasn't just sitting around. I was about to put them away." This time, it was different, I nodded my head and said, "You're right," then I put them away.

What I've learned is, when I get like that (defensive) it's because I know he's right and I'm disappointed in myself. It's not that he's being unreasonable. While it is easy for me to take criticism from others, it has been difficult to humble myself enough to take his criticism. His opinion matters so much more than I realized.

I love seeing these changes, in him and I. It helps me to see that we are really doing this and we can make it work...I just need to be patient (sigh).

Sunday, June 22, 2014

All Filled Up

What I wear, or don't wear, to bed changes regularly. Friday night I decided to wear nothing. I thought he might like to find a naked me in his bed, after playing poker. Turns out I was right, he didn't seem to mind in the least. *smiles broadly*

So, my day began at one in the morning.

I remember feeling him next to me, his skin on my back, then I was on my stomach and he was in my ass. It hurt a little, because it's been far too long since he has been there, but I didn't mind.

It's interesting to see how my ass has evolved. lol.

We slept, then six o'clock rolled around, at which point he decided to wake me up, rubbing and touching. He had to keep telling me to be quiet and something might have been said about me being a good, dirty little whore. When I came he kept rubbing, and it was one of those really good cums, the type that pulses through your body and kind of hurts if you keep rubbing. It's excruciatingly hard to be quiet when that happens, if you didn't already know.

When he decided to stop, he let me put his cock in my pussy, which was a treat--he seems to prefer my mouth in the morning. But have no fear, I still had my dose of protein for the day.

Master went back to sleep. I had to stay awake because the youngest woke up soon after we were done. I have no idea how he can sleep with those two running around (doesn't matter how hard I try to keep them quiet, they are always loud), but I'm glad he was able to (five hours is not enough sleep).

A bit before lunch time he tells me to take a shower and get ready to go. The kids are engrossed in their tablets, Master follows me to our bedroom, bends me over the bed and sticks the small plug in my butt. I couldn't stop myself from thanking him (Sigh. Who have I become?! lol). I thought he would send me on my way, but instead he played. I particularly liked it when he pushed my head, face down, in the bed while he used the plug and called me names.

"To be continued," he said as he walked off. Evil! :)

I get ready, the plug still in, and I'm sent off to the mall to buy some bras and panties. (This is the second time I've left the house with a plug in.) This small plug isn't at all uncomfortable, it nestles quite well in my butt actually. I wasn't expecting to feel wetness in my panties after walking from my car into the mall, but I did. I couldn't get the damn smile off my face. I was fine while I was browsing in the store, but as soon as I started walking at a faster pace, sure enough, I just felt more wetness.

I told Master what happened. He pointed out what a whore I am. Later he decided that when I leave the house I need to have the plug in, with the exception of running (because there is no way I'm doing that). I think this is very exciting, though I don't leave the house much.

The day goes on, plug still in. I have a couple glasses of wine after the kids are asleep. After watching some baseball, he tells me to go to our room and get undressed. I decided to brush my teeth, he wasn't thrilled to find me doing that.

One thing leads to another, I have the medium vibrating plug in my butt now. He pulls the dildo out of the box.

I have yet to mention this dido. We've had it for a couple months now. It makes me uncomfortable, in a weird kind of nice way. It's long. And thick. And I just haven't wanted to talk about it. Because...it makes me uncomfortable.

He then starts fucking me with the dildo. Soon I'm fucking me and rubbing him at the same time. Then, he stuck his fingers down my throat. He talked about what I whore I was, having my holes filled and both my hands busy.

We go on like that for a while. Then -I was on my back- the plug came out and his cock when in. I continued to use the dildo. And...well.... let's just say our comforter needs to be washed.

It was a very eventful Saturday indeed. :)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

A Blessing

 A few weeks ago, I wrote about how my feelings about home have changed (see here), I received a couple comments that got me thinking (it's what I do, after all) and I have finally got the time to reflect.

When we first moved here, I had an ache in my heart because I missed home. I felt like I left a piece of me there. The feeling continued but I became used to the ache, I imagine that is normal for most.

Now, that ache isn't there, at all. I have no want to move back.

I think it's because I have Master...he is more than my husband now.

It's crazy to think I have opened up more in the past ten months than I did in twelve years. It's sad actually. I should have given him more.

I mean, what does that say about me? Twelve years. TWELVE. Twelve years I kept myself from him.

I know, I know, we are not there anymore so there's is no reason to linger on such things.

I'm happy now. And I'm happy to know that no matter where I am, as long as it is with him, I will be at home. But that's kind of scary too, for reasons I'm going to force myself not to think about.

I can't help but think of a song -it's an oldie (but not that old!)- because I am so blessed and this is how it was meant to be. Anyway, here's the song...

THESE ARE DAYS

Natalie Merchant/ Christian Burial Music © 1992
These are days you'll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
will the whole world be warm as this
and as you feel it, you'll know it's true
that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you
These are days you'll remember
When May is rushing over you with desire
to be part of the miracles you see in every hour
you'll know it's true, that you are blessed and lucky
it's true, that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you
These are the days
that you might fill with laughter
until you break
These days you might feel a shaft of light
make its way across your face
and when you do
you'll know how it was meant to be
see the signs and know their meaning
You'll know how it was meant to be
hear the signs and
know they're speaking to you
to you

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Walk

I don't think I could be any happier to go on this walk of shame. Not that I want to be here, I'm just happy I no longer feel knotted up. I really want to avoid writing about this, because I feel foolish, nonetheless I am here. Sharing how ridiculous my thoughts have been.

It really was like quicksand, the harder I tried to pull myself out, the deeper I went. The worse I felt. The easier it was to cry.

Have I mentioned how much I hate crying? 'Cause I do.

Anyway, it turns out that maybe I should be able to do what he has asked me to do thus far, before I ask for more. Maybe if I stayed focused on what is important, I might have more.

I need to trust that he wants to lead as much as I want to follow. Yet, I'm still insecure about this. Really insecure. I'm not sure why; six months ago I would have been thrilled to know I would be here, where we are now.

Now that I'm writing/thinking about it, I think part of my insecurity is derived from the fact that I feel like I need this, and I don't think he does. Sure, he likes it, maybe even loves it, but he could go without. And, you know, part of me wishes I didn't need this either, because what if he would be happier being vanilla, with a vanilla wife. Unfortunately, if he wants to have sex with me (as much as he does), then this is how it has to be. Which makes me feel like dirt. Not only that but, when I have less of his control, like this past week, I feel knotted up (do you know the feeling? I keep picturing a string with millions of tangles, impossible to straighten out. Then, when he does take a hold of this string, moves it this way and that way -which ever way he wants- it magically straightens out, no sign of any tangles, as if they weren't there to begin with), and I start hating myself for wanting such things. Because I shouldn't need them. But I do.

The lessons: I need to stay focused. He is controlling me. I don't need to know where we are going, I just need to know we are going where he wants to go.





Friday, June 13, 2014

Quicksand

That's where I am, neck deep in quicksand.

It just keeps getting worse. And I feel so...fucking guilty for it.

Guilty because he's done absolutely nothing wrong, and still I'm upset.

I want more.

And I wonder if he does.

Because what if he doesn't?

I know these things take time. And I'm okay with time, really I am. I just have no clue what he wants, I don't know if he wants to control me to the extent that I've expressed I want. If he doesn't that is completely okay, really and truly it is, I just don't want to hope for something if it's not in my cards, you know?

And right now, that's what I feel like, I feel like I'm hoping for something he doesn't want.

But maybe he doesn't know what he wants, which is okay too.

Ugh. I've got to go.


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Pushing Through

Before my last post, we talked--well, I talked, he listened. He knows how I feel, and that I want more.   And me, being who I am, knowing he knows and having nothing done about it, is driving me insane. I mean, how hard is it to stick a plug up my ass, or whack me a few times with the cane, or tell me to put on the corset, or tell me to shut up and get over it? Hell, at this point he could tell me to brush my teeth and I would probably calm down, lol.

But see, if he wanted to do those things, he would. It is his right to do or not do. And it's upsetting that I'm not okay with that, at this point in time.

I just feel like I have so much to give, and I'm left unused.

Sure, I could put in a plug myself -he would be pleased to know I did that for him- but I wouldn't get what I want out of that. I would feel no power/control from that.

I think, this time, I'm just going to have to work through it on my own.

I'm upset, but I'm okay--I know it will work out the way it is supposed to.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

A Struggle

The past couple days I've been struggling.

I want more control from Master, what happened on my birthday has me craving more. So, something that started out selfless has turned into something selfish (sigh).

I've been concentrating on all the ways Master is not controlling me, and failing to see how he is.

In turn, I've been temped to tell him how to control me. Because, you know, that works out so well (enter sarcasm here).

At least I see the problem in telling him how to control me, right? That's got to be worth something.

It's just so hard to let things be when I want something.

I really hate to admit this, but I'm finding that I want to test him (cringe). Like leaving the dirty dishes in the sink, so he might exert some sort of control, but I can't bring myself to do it (thank goodness!).

I'm causing problems, it doesn't feel good, but I can't seem to move past it.

Excuse me for a minute, I need to find a shovel.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

A Birthday Gamble

Something happened. Not sure what to think. My heart is happy. My brain won't sit still.

It's nothing sexual.

It's not so much what happened, but how I feel about it.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I could just let this be. This time is would be easy to go about my days not giving a second thought. But, that's it. It was just too easy. That's why I must think it over, and besides, it's not like me to not dig a little deeper. :)

I'm stalling.

I just don't know if I will be able to explain this.

If you have been reading here for some time, you probably know that Master plays poker on Friday nights. He has for years. It's something he really enjoys. I think it scratches an itch, some kind of sport related/wanting-to-win itch, I know nothing about.

Last Friday we were at the hotel, so he didn't play. We did have plans to go camping this weekend (i.e. he hadn't been planing on playing) but those plans changed to next weekend end. Therefore, poker became an option.

My thinking (and I'm sure his thoughts were the same) was that if he didn't play this Friday, that would mean three weeks without playing. Which isn't the end of the world, but still.

I know you're thinking, what's the big deal, play poker then.

Well...you see...it was my birthday.

And it is really easy for one to be selfish on their birthday. Even when it marks the years past, which one would prefer to forget.

When the camping plans officially changed, my thoughts went to him playing poker. I could have kept those thoughts to myself, Master would never have mentioned playing and I would have spent the evening with him.

I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't thinking, "But...it's my birthday."

The angst isn't in that though...which is where the angst is.

I was/am happy (*sigh of defeat*). I spent my birthday night alone and I'm freaking happy about it. What...??

I was/am a little...maybe...possibly...turned on.

Not because I spent a good part of my birthday night alone (in a relaxing bath with stuff on my face, stuff in my hair, and stuff in the water--not getting any younger, you know), but because I gave him the option to do what he wanted (because I really, really wanted him to do what he wanted instead of doing what I wanted ) and he took that option...yes, that is what turns me on.

He put himself before me. And, yeah, that's kind of hot.

And then, to add more to the confusion, as I was soaking and relaxing, thinking these things over, feeling good about myself, it dawned on me that I didn't have that familiar "I feel lost when you're not here to go to bed with me" feeling. It was weird. I wanted him there with me, always that, but I don't know...it was strange.

What is that?! How can all of this be?! I just...I don't know...

I did have to step back and ask myself if I wanted him to spend the evening with me, or if I thought he should because I learned somewhere along the way that a husband should "wine and dine" his wife on her birthday. Honestly, once I got past that, it all became easy.

And there really isn't anything we can't do tonight that we could have done last night.

And maybe, just maybe, tonight will be better than last night could have been. It's worth a thought. :)

Anyway, not sure how I feel about how I feel. I don't know what it all means, if anything, but that's what happened.

Now, Master is being extra nice--like maybe he is making sure I'm really okay. And I am being extra nice because I'm trying to show him that I'm really okay.

And I think we are one silly couple. lol.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

100% Awesome

It feels like it has been forever since I've been here. I have only had a chance to read a few posts in the past week. I have had no time to write or reply to comments (cringe), but I'll get back to it, eventually. :)

The night without the kids was amazing. All of it. 

It was just so nice that Master and I got to be us--not dad and mom. 

The view from the hotel was beautiful (wish I was brave enough to add a picture). We had two beds; tell me why is the room with two beds and a river view cheaper than the room with one bed and no view? Not that it matters, we used both beds.

The first thing Master did, after we got to the hotel, was spank and fuck me. Oh, the glorious things you can do without kids. 

We went out for a drink and dessert, even that was amazing, though there was nothing kinky about it. Just plain ole good conversation without having to stop to take care of the kids. Amazing, I tell you! Amazing!

Once we were in the room for the night, Master pulls out the ankle and wrist cuffs, and hog ties me. He then pulls out the bag of toys and puts it right in my face. "Look at what we have here," he says as if he doesn't already know (he packed them). He took his time finding what he wanted making sure I could see, as if he couldn't reach right in and grab what he wanted. Evil, I tell you. Evil! So deliciously evil.

He alternated fucking my face and me, while he stayed standing and I on the bed. He would pull me where he wanted me. Or roll me onto my side so he could slap my tits. 

At one point he laughed at me, for the life of me I can't remember why, but it was a real laugh, a sadistic laugh, not a joking laugh (if that makes sense). I liked it. A lot. And I'm not sure why. Maybe because I could tell how much he was enjoying himself...

There's so much I can't remember, more than I normally forget. 

The next morning I woke up at my normal time (go figure) but I took a long shower while Master slept, it was awesome. I watched some boring tv and had a cup of bad coffee, it was awesome. I was naked until it was time to go, that was awesome too.

Once Master woke, he let me suck his cock. We laid in bed for a little while, watching more boring tv, then he spanked me. It was very clear how much he enjoyed it, and of course there was no denying how much I liked it. 

It was just...amazing.