Saturday, June 7, 2014

A Birthday Gamble

Something happened. Not sure what to think. My heart is happy. My brain won't sit still.

It's nothing sexual.

It's not so much what happened, but how I feel about it.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I could just let this be. This time is would be easy to go about my days not giving a second thought. But, that's it. It was just too easy. That's why I must think it over, and besides, it's not like me to not dig a little deeper. :)

I'm stalling.

I just don't know if I will be able to explain this.

If you have been reading here for some time, you probably know that Master plays poker on Friday nights. He has for years. It's something he really enjoys. I think it scratches an itch, some kind of sport related/wanting-to-win itch, I know nothing about.

Last Friday we were at the hotel, so he didn't play. We did have plans to go camping this weekend (i.e. he hadn't been planing on playing) but those plans changed to next weekend end. Therefore, poker became an option.

My thinking (and I'm sure his thoughts were the same) was that if he didn't play this Friday, that would mean three weeks without playing. Which isn't the end of the world, but still.

I know you're thinking, what's the big deal, play poker then.

Well...you see...it was my birthday.

And it is really easy for one to be selfish on their birthday. Even when it marks the years past, which one would prefer to forget.

When the camping plans officially changed, my thoughts went to him playing poker. I could have kept those thoughts to myself, Master would never have mentioned playing and I would have spent the evening with him.

I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't thinking, "But...it's my birthday."

The angst isn't in that though...which is where the angst is.

I was/am happy (*sigh of defeat*). I spent my birthday night alone and I'm freaking happy about it. What...??

I was/am a little...maybe...possibly...turned on.

Not because I spent a good part of my birthday night alone (in a relaxing bath with stuff on my face, stuff in my hair, and stuff in the water--not getting any younger, you know), but because I gave him the option to do what he wanted (because I really, really wanted him to do what he wanted instead of doing what I wanted ) and he took that option...yes, that is what turns me on.

He put himself before me. And, yeah, that's kind of hot.

And then, to add more to the confusion, as I was soaking and relaxing, thinking these things over, feeling good about myself, it dawned on me that I didn't have that familiar "I feel lost when you're not here to go to bed with me" feeling. It was weird. I wanted him there with me, always that, but I don't know...it was strange.

What is that?! How can all of this be?! I just...I don't know...

I did have to step back and ask myself if I wanted him to spend the evening with me, or if I thought he should because I learned somewhere along the way that a husband should "wine and dine" his wife on her birthday. Honestly, once I got past that, it all became easy.

And there really isn't anything we can't do tonight that we could have done last night.

And maybe, just maybe, tonight will be better than last night could have been. It's worth a thought. :)

Anyway, not sure how I feel about how I feel. I don't know what it all means, if anything, but that's what happened.

Now, Master is being extra nice--like maybe he is making sure I'm really okay. And I am being extra nice because I'm trying to show him that I'm really okay.

And I think we are one silly couple. lol.

21 comments:

  1. Misty,
    I absolutely love this post. Gave me a lot to think about. I hope I can someday get to the point of wanting him to do what he wants without any selfishness attached.

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    Replies
    1. Brooke, I can be quite selfish at times. The good thing is, we can always strive to be a little less so. This time it was easy, next time odds are it won't be :)

      Delete
  2. happy birthday!

    I think it helps to look at the big picture too, the long haul - a birthday being just one night, and an arbitrary one at that. There will be plenty where he plays with you, more nights than he plays poker probably xx

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    Replies
    1. mc kitten, thanks :)

      That was part of my thinking as well! I have him six nights a week, so what's one night.

      Delete
  3. Happy Birthday!
    I hope that the year ahead brings you many blessings, and joyous discoveries.

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    Replies
    1. lil, thank you!

      I hope the same for you.

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  4. Happy Birthday. Sounds like you are becoming more confident not only in yourself but in this journey.

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    Replies
    1. Hs, thanks!

      Maybe I am more confident...

      Delete
  5. Happy Birthday...and i think you are one cute couple......
    hugs abby

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  6. Oh that is certainly hot!!! Daddy also plays poker every Wednesday evening at a cigar club/bar - it's funny what it gives them, and I can't pinpoint it but Daddy is happier when He can go and if He misses a few it's noticeable! We're going camping in a few weeks too ... seems like we have much in common lol ava x

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    1. Ava, it is so noticeable when he doesn't get to play...glad I'm not the only one who knows what this is like :)

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  7. Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday Misty. I'm glad you were happy with his choice. Sounds as though you had s lovely night pampering yourself. Good for you :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Roz! It was a very relaxing night, and much needed :)

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  8. I understand this perfectly. I think you both got what something. You submitted with out being forced or asked to and he of course got poker and confirmation that he is in charge.

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    Replies
    1. Danni, I think you're right. It was nice to leave the choice up to him, it just felt...right. Thanks for giving me that advice!

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  9. Misty,
    When you've been doing this submission thing and the wife thing for awhile, it's empowering and it just comes from a different place...a more natural, flowing kind of place.
    And it feels mighty good.
    It's a crucial element of getting to that give-and-take back-and-forth of any strong relationship.

    I'm so very happy you had a good birthday-day!

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    Replies
    1. Bleuame, you're right, it felt amazing, and it still does. And it did seem natural.

      I'm starting to think you know everything, Bleuame.

      Delete

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