Something happened. Not sure what to think. My heart is happy. My brain won't sit still.
It's nothing sexual.
It's not so much what happened, but how I feel about it.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I could just let this be. This time is would be easy to go about my days not giving a second thought. But, that's it. It was just too easy. That's why I must think it over, and besides, it's not like me to not dig a little deeper. :)
I just don't know if I will be able to explain this.
If you have been reading here for some time, you probably know that Master plays poker on Friday nights. He has for years. It's something he really enjoys. I think it scratches an itch, some kind of sport related/wanting-to-win itch, I know nothing about.
Last Friday we were at the hotel, so he didn't play. We did have plans to go camping this weekend (i.e. he hadn't been planing on playing) but those plans changed to next weekend end. Therefore, poker became an option.
My thinking (and I'm sure his thoughts were the same) was that if he didn't play this Friday, that would mean three weeks without playing. Which isn't the end of the world, but still.
I know you're thinking, what's the big deal, play poker then.
Well...you see...it was my birthday.
And it is really easy for one to be selfish on their birthday. Even when it marks the years past, which one would prefer to forget.
When the camping plans officially changed, my thoughts went to him playing poker. I could have kept those thoughts to myself, Master would never have mentioned playing and I would have spent the evening with him.
I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't thinking, "But...it's my birthday."
The angst isn't in that though...which is where the angst is.
I was/am happy (*sigh of defeat*). I spent my birthday night alone and I'm freaking happy about it. What...??
I was/am a little...maybe...possibly...turned on.
Not because I spent a good part of my birthday night alone (in a relaxing bath with stuff on my face, stuff in my hair, and stuff in the water--not getting any younger, you know), but because I gave him the option to do what he wanted (because I really, really wanted him to do what he wanted instead of doing what I wanted ) and he took that option...yes, that is what turns me on.
He put himself before me. And, yeah, that's kind of hot.
And then, to add more to the confusion, as I was soaking and relaxing, thinking these things over, feeling good about myself, it dawned on me that I didn't have that familiar "I feel lost when you're not here to go to bed with me" feeling. It was weird. I wanted him there with me, always that, but I don't know...it was strange.
What is that?! How can all of this be?! I just...I don't know...
I did have to step back and ask myself if I wanted him to spend the evening with me, or if I thought he should because I learned somewhere along the way that a husband should "wine and dine" his wife on her birthday. Honestly, once I got past that, it all became easy.
And there really isn't anything we can't do tonight that we could have done last night.
And maybe, just maybe, tonight will be better than last night could have been. It's worth a thought. :)
Anyway, not sure how I feel about how I feel. I don't know what it all means, if anything, but that's what happened.
Now, Master is being extra nice--like maybe he is making sure I'm really okay. And I am being extra nice because I'm trying to show him that I'm really okay.
And I think we are one silly couple. lol.