Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Walk

I don't think I could be any happier to go on this walk of shame. Not that I want to be here, I'm just happy I no longer feel knotted up. I really want to avoid writing about this, because I feel foolish, nonetheless I am here. Sharing how ridiculous my thoughts have been.

It really was like quicksand, the harder I tried to pull myself out, the deeper I went. The worse I felt. The easier it was to cry.

Have I mentioned how much I hate crying? 'Cause I do.

Anyway, it turns out that maybe I should be able to do what he has asked me to do thus far, before I ask for more. Maybe if I stayed focused on what is important, I might have more.

I need to trust that he wants to lead as much as I want to follow. Yet, I'm still insecure about this. Really insecure. I'm not sure why; six months ago I would have been thrilled to know I would be here, where we are now.

Now that I'm writing/thinking about it, I think part of my insecurity is derived from the fact that I feel like I need this, and I don't think he does. Sure, he likes it, maybe even loves it, but he could go without. And, you know, part of me wishes I didn't need this either, because what if he would be happier being vanilla, with a vanilla wife. Unfortunately, if he wants to have sex with me (as much as he does), then this is how it has to be. Which makes me feel like dirt. Not only that but, when I have less of his control, like this past week, I feel knotted up (do you know the feeling? I keep picturing a string with millions of tangles, impossible to straighten out. Then, when he does take a hold of this string, moves it this way and that way -which ever way he wants- it magically straightens out, no sign of any tangles, as if they weren't there to begin with), and I start hating myself for wanting such things. Because I shouldn't need them. But I do.

The lessons: I need to stay focused. He is controlling me. I don't need to know where we are going, I just need to know we are going where he wants to go.





18 comments:

  1. I know some of those feeling well, although I know Miss Emily does not want a vanilla relationship. But I have a feeling that he wouldn't go back to the way things were before. He seems to enjoy expanding the things he does with you. Just keep following him.

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    1. Thank you so much, Danni! I sure hope he never wants to go back to before! And I think you're right, he does seem happy with our progress :)

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  2. The what if i need this more than Him.......seems to be a natural question....one that has driven more than 1 submissive crazy, including me. Advice that was given to me early on...the more submissive you are the more dominant He will be....and it was excellent advice.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, now that makes sense! Not that it sounds easy, because it doesn't, but it makes sense. Sigh, I really need to adjust my thinking.

      Thank you, abby!!!!

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    2. I think that's true, dear. The only thing I am quite sure he does not want is a doormat. That's no fun at all. Just enjoy where you are. Remember that the fun is experiencing the changes you go through as you learn to serve and he learns to dom.What fun would it be if he just snapped his fingers and the training was done? I don't think that would be good at all, dear.

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    3. Miss Emily, sometimes I feel like it would be nice if he could just snap his fingers and be done with it, lol, but I know you're right. I know the lows help us become stronger--it's just that the lows seem extremely low and the highs seem really high, it hasn't been easy learning to deal with that.

      Thanks for the advice. I need to remember to enjoy where we are now, and realize how far we have come.

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  3. ((((hugs)))) in my firm opinion it is usually better out than in! All of that made total sense to me, too much in fact - very familiar indeed!

    To be absolutely blunt - when it comes to sex, if he can get it up and keep it up then there's definitely something in it for him. As for outside the bedroom, if it wasn't how he wanted it to be and was stressing him out, then he'd be less likely to get it up and keep it up in the bedroom.

    Sorry to reduce things to a low and common denominator but sometimes it helps me to think along those lines!

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    1. mc kitten, you can be as blunt as you want to be! That makes complete sense. And I don't know why I couldn't see it myself. Sigh. Oh well, that's why I have all of you, right? :) Sometimes it's hard to see what is right in front of your face...

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  4. All such normal feelings Misty! Learning to trust in their plan is (at least for me) THE hardest part of submission ava x

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    1. Ava, thank you! It's so nice to know I'm not alone here. He has never given me any reason not to trust him, but I guess, with this, I just need to have more time.

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  5. ^This^ I think, is a stage or at least a blip. Those thoughts and feelings of "but what if it's just me and not him?" Yep, I think we've all had them.
    Do try to remember that this does take two. And he is in the driver's seat. And you aren't a puppeteer.
    Really.

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    1. Bleuame, I hope it's just a blip! I don't want to be worrying about this forever, lol.

      I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver. I am not the driver.

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  6. ((Hugs)) Misty,

    I can relate to this too, what if I need it more than him. So great advice above and I agree with Abby. Dominance and submission really do feed off each other. Your reply to Danni says it all :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, it seems so clear when I see it here, in black and white, but when I get in my head it's so hard to see that he wants this. I've really got to work on doing more, without expecting more.

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  7. Embrace who you are, its not bad..its just you and it hurts noone. You are a good person on a continuum of what we like to lable kink. I believe everyone wants in someway..some of us are just brave enough to live it and say its ok. :)

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    1. little, it's been awhile since I've seen you here. Thanks for the comment!

      It's not always easy embracing things...but I'm working on it :)

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  8. Late to the party, as usual, lol, but I'll second Bleuame...

    You forgot, "I am not the puppeteer, I am not the puppeteer"! Sorry, couldn't help it.

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    1. lil, lol, this is one party that just keeps going, so you're not late at all. She does seem to say the right thing all the time, huh?

      Gosh, talk about controlling :)....
      I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer. I am not the puppeteer.

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