Thursday, July 31, 2014

I Am...

I think a thank you is in order for all your comments on my last post! They truly helped me/us with this and I will reply to all of them as soon as I can.

Master and I married five years ago, we were together eight years before that, and only one of those years has been D/s. We belong to each other, but I am his and I will always be his. When I first realized what I could have with him...it was like breathing fresh air for the first time in my nineteen years of living. I recognized that I could have the life I wanted with him, a better life than what I started with. I needed him in my life, and I still do. Starting D/s only allowed me to accept how much I need him. He is my fresh air I can't live without. I don't think he would ever want to live without me either, I know he loves me...much more than I deserve. There's not much either of us could do to make us want to go separate ways.

Limits, sure I have them. I'm not jumping off of any buildings for him--not sure he could even get me to the top of one. The whole "cut off an arm/leg limit" thing I've heard a little about, I would do that for him because he would never want me to cut off my arm unless it was threatening my life...you know, like if a zombie bit me or something. However, limits that involve kinky things, I'm wide open to suggestion, but if I really, really don't want to do something he won't make me, because there would have to be a good, verifiable reason for me not to do something he wants, and he knows that. Point is, I completely trust that he won't ask me to jump off a building, or eat a bug, or cut off my finger, or do something that would hurt me mentally or physically.

Choices, I have many choices. He has made it very clear he wants and expects me to do what he says, but it's my choice to do those things. No gun is pointed to my head. If he wants me to make myself cum while he and his dad are downstairs working on the hot water heater, I can choose to do that or not. There might be consequences if I don't, but it's still my choice. I choose to do what he says. I choose to not give myself an out. I choose to do what he expects. If he wants my body and mind, he's got it, however he wants it, and that's my choice. As far as life changing choices, he would never not ask me for my opinion--sometimes he agrees with me and sometimes he doesn't. As a family, we are a team and he is the leader.

It seems like everyone is in agreement that we get to pick what we are, I'm not completely sure I like that idea because I like to have a straight forward answers, but it is what it is. I'm deciding to adopt a theory that actions don't play into what I am--it doesn't matter what our rituals are, the amount of pain given and received, my limits or lack of, or if I have a collar around my neck or a plug in my ass. What matters is what is in my heart and mind--that I ache to be what he wants and do what he wants, that I yearn to be his forever, that my world would be less than nothing without him in it, that I get a great pleasure from pleasing him, that I'm willing to talk to him even when I really don't want to talk, that I will do what he says even when I really don't want to...you get the picture, right?

But, having said all of that -for no reason other than I wanted to say it-, I am his slave because he says I am (smiles so big it hurts). He says that I am his property, and who would I be to argue with that? And it doesn't matter if his slave has choices, and limits, and doesn't wear a collar, and writes he/him instead of He/Him, and calls him doody head, and is his partner for life, because that's who he wants his slave to be...and that's me!

So slave I am, however I don't think we are M/s yet. We just need more time to get there, but I really think that's where were going (smiles so big it hurts).

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Back to Wondering What I Am

So, reading over at lil's place, has got me thinking (doesn't she do that to you too?!)...

And I know I've touched on this subject before (here)...

But what the heck is the difference between a sub and slave?!?!? Seriously, tell me. 'Cause it doesn't seem like there is a clear line when it comes to those two labels, and for some reason it seems important to me...what am I?!

Sometimes I feel like a slave, other times not-so-much...does that mean I'm a sub/slave? Can you be both? I don't mind being one or the other...obviously I want to be a slave, but I'm really okay with being a sub...

Isn't it weird that I can feel like a slave, but I don't know what makes a slave, a slave? lol Gosh, this is all so confusing!

Am I a slave if Master says I am, even if I don't feel like I am? I mean, he calls me a whore, but that doesn't mean I really am one, by definition anyway :)

Awhile ago, someone said to me that they were more of a slave than I am. It was meant to be funny...but it stung a little. It is the "more" part that gets to me. Can a sub/slave be more of a sub/slave than another, when dynamics are so different? Or could someone be more of a sub/slave because they've been doing it longer?

Maybe I should be asking what the difference is between D/s and M/s...

It's not that this really matters, because it won't change what we're doing and who I am, but I'd like to know where the line is drawn...okay, what I really want to know is, what I am and what are we doing over here.

And it's completely okay if no one can answer or wants to answer...'cause I'm not sure I would touch this one if I was reading this on another blog, lol. Though it does seem to be clearer when I look at others, than when I look at myself...

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Small Parts

It is the sand, the rocks, the water, and it's creatures. It is not the ocean. 

It is each petal and leaf. It is not the flower.  

It is each word. It is the mind that put those words exactly where they should be. It is not the book.

It is each stroke of the brush. It is each color. It is the eyes that saw it before the canvas did. It is not the painting.

It is the small parts, that make the whole, that are significant and beautiful. 
It is the small parts, that work together reaching towards a same goal, that make it significant and beautiful.

It is the way he looks at me.
It is the way he touches me.
It is the way the words leave his mouth when he talks to me.
It is the way he cares for me.
It is his love...

That makes me significant and beautiful.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Poker Night Rambles

Soooo, I logged on to reply to comments, I read some posts instead, and now I feel like writing. 

Could be because my drink is almost gone and I'm feeling a little chatty...and since I have no one to chat with, here I am. 

Master is off playing poker, of course, it's Friday...but you already know that, post title and all. 

Did you have any idea that water heaters need to be serviced once or twice a year? There's this crap that settles in the bottom of them and you have to flush it out...well, you don't have to, but if you want them to keep working (which is a plus) you should. Why did no one tell me this?! Thirty-two years I've been around and not a single word about flushing water heaters. Apparently, it's not part of common conversation...

LOL, oh my! Today, Master was outside watering some plants with the girls, and you know how kids are when they get around water. So, the four year old comes inside, tells me that she ran under the water and she wants me to see her do it. We go outside. An important bit of information: she does not like getting her clothes wet (even her bathing suit!), though she loves playing in water (don't try to understand, I don't get it either). Master holds up the water, his finger on the end so it's spraying and arched, I can see her hesitancy, but she runs through it. No problem, she's happy. Then she runs back under. lol! When she gets through it, she looks down at her shirt and starts crying--of course it's a "the world is ending" type of cry. I'm already laughing to myself. Then she stomps to the back door (so she can go change her clothes) and about half way there she yells, in the most serious, frustrated voice, "THIS ISN'T WORKING OUT!" Oh man, it was the funniest thing. I busted out laughing. I'm totally cracking up right now. The look on her face when she realized her shirt was wet...priceless. 

Well, I should probably go now, drink is gone and it's late...sure wouldn't mind a good spanking though...the crop hasn't been used near enough...just saying. 




About this Blogging Thing I Do

We all have our own blogging ways, this is a little about how I do it.

When I created my blog I told myself that I would write about my journey--I would be honest about it and I would be honest about me. It's not easy telling people how unperfect you are and when life isn't going how you want it to, but I set myself to it and that's what I do. 

It's uncomfortable writing about sexual things, but I have come so far since starting this blog, and now I'm okay with that uncomfortable feeling. I enjoy going back over it, as well as the challenge to put it on paper. 

I like writing funny posts, and musing posts, and the "about me" posts.

I have shared a little about my past--those I would rather forget about, but I can't find it in me to delete them. There are some other posts I would rather delete, the ones that don't shine a good light on me (and I cringe every time I see that someone has viewed it), but I can't delete them either.

When I read posts from others that aren't all butterflies pooping rainbows, it helps me. If no one wrote about those times, the times where we fall short from where we think we should be, I would be a complete and utter mess. Seriously, if you think I'm bad now...

That's why I push myself to write about the not-so-great times. 

When I first learned about my best friends grandpa, I wanted to write about it but I didn't. Sometimes when you put things on paper it makes them more real but, with this, is was more about me not wanting to...I don't know...sometimes I think I should deal with things on my own. I don't want to burden people, not that I think any of you are losing sleep over my problems, but you know what I mean, right? :)

Also, I am no longer searching for blogs, I don't click on peoples names unless someone finds me here. If someone new comments on my blog, I always check out their place (if they have one) and usually I will follow them. I have created a little corner and I'm comfortable here...I don't really feel the need to go searching for more, if that makes sense. Hope no one finds that rude, it's just how I want to do it.

Anyway, I love to see how people differ with their blogging, so please do not think this is me saying you should do it my way, because I love the way you blog...readers, writers, commenters, and non-commenters...I love the way all of you do it!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Worthlessness

Do you ever feel like you can't do anything right? Or good enough?

It's not him making me feel this way, I'm doing it to myself and I'm applying it to many areas of my life at the moment.

I'm learning that when I get this way, I just give up. What's the point of doing it, if I can't do it right? If I can't come close to perfect, then why?...that's what's going through my mind right now. I think this is a reason for many of my life failures.

When I start something new I aim high, or for the most difficult, am I just setting myself up for failure when I do that?

When I try harder and improvement still doesn't happen, it gets so much worse, I withdraw and I feel so...worthless.

The thing is, I know that I'm not completely worthless, so why do I let myself feel this way? I just don't get it!

Sorry about the negative posts I've been writing lately! I would much rather keep things happy, but life isn't always that way, so I guess I can't expect my blog to be that way either...

Monday, July 21, 2014

Mother Effing Life

That's right...Mother. Effing. Life!

Sometimes it just plan sucks.

The hot water is out. Master, being the do-it-yourselfer that he is, can fix it, but (and I won't bore you with the details) in order to fix it, some pipes need to be replaced first, which he can do as well but...pain in the ass, I tell you! So, we have no water. He is stressed beyond belief. It's not just the water heater and the pipes, but that his girls don't have water. I love that he takes care of us this way, and that cares so much about it, but it's hard to see him this way and having no way to help.

The week before last, we found out my best friend's grandpa has cancer. It's in the advanced stages--all they can do at the point is try to stop it from spreading more and relieve his pain. My friend is much more than a best friend, she is more than a sister, I've known her since I was eight, and there have been times that she was my only friend. I love her and she is extremely important to my life, and my sanity. I haven't told her about our D/s because it's not worth the risk of loosing her, not that she would leave me, just...I'm not willing to leave it to chance. I digress. When she hurts I hurt, and she is hurting. Her grandpa is a good man, one that has helped countless people and has asked for nothing in return--it infuriates me that this has happened to him and his family! I can't do anything to help her either, not even a freaking hug, because she so far from me.

So, yeah, the two most important people in my life (beside my girls) are going through a stressful time and I can't do a damn thing about it...

Mother. Effing. Life.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Poker Night Rambles

Tonight is poker night. I bored. I want to write (why is writing so addictive?), but thoughts keep slipping away from me.

I did start writing a fantasy awhile back. I thought I would do a short thing, kinda like I do here, with our sex stuff. If I ever finish it, it will probably be a short story (chuckles). I'd like to put it here, but it's not real and I don't want to mix the two, so I would have to figure out some way to separate it. I get nervous thinking about sharing it though, so maybe I won't.
That's what I'm afraid of! lol
I said some things I shouldn't have to Master. It was pretty bad. It's better now. I don't feel like talking about it. Well, I guess I kinda do, but I won't. It was just that bad. It was a learning experience, so at least there's that.
And I don't deserve it...
There's also this other thing I won't talk about, but I want to. We found something kinky we both enjoy, it's really hot. He is using it against me now, humpf. If I don't get my chores done, I'm not allowed to do this thing. I really like doing this thing, and the kicker is that he likes it too, so it's totally unfair that he is using this as a punishment, however, it is some damn good motivation (that's the whole point, I know, but still!).
Just because I thought it was funny :)
Well, guess it's late enough that I can go to bed now. Hope all of you have a great weekend.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Whore

Master has really taken to calling me a whore. I mean he has from the beginning, but it's getting out of control (grins). Not only am I a whore in bed but, I'm a whore when I watch tv, and put my clothes on after taking a shower, and while washing dishes, and...come to think of it, it seems like I'm a whore no matter what I'm doing.

I want to see some money from all this whoring I've been up to, but he says he pays me too well...in food and shelter. So unfair, but I guess beggars can't be choosers (grins).


Alright, I admit it. Are you happy now?!

Monday, July 14, 2014

A Snippet

"I'm horny." And I was oh, so, wet.

"Good."

"I want to cum."

"You have to wait." 

I smile, but he can't see my face, "that makes me hornier."

"Good."
_________________________

Who is this man and where has he been my whole life?! 

Seriously, he might come home and find me humping a wall, I'm so damn horny.

I have to go find something to clean...

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Plug Therapy

Master is convinced that I'm happier with a plug in my ass, I'd like to think it's more of him giving me attention, nonetheless, there is no denying that I like it. 

Yesterday, I woke up in a mood. It could have been the run of emotions I've had this week catching up with me, or I could have just woken up on the wrong side of the bed--I'm really not sure what it was. My want to be pleasing was nowhere and I wanted to be upset, to wallow in my pity. I tried to stay away from Master and the kids because I knew I would say or do something I'd regret later. I should have just asked for a hug, but that is neither here nor there.

One of my new rules is that I am to wear a dress one day a week (though, now that I know he wants this, I'm trying to wear them more than once a week), so I put on a dress (he helped me pick out!) when we decided to go out to eat (with the kids). 

Another of my rules, I've mentioned before, is that I am supposed to put in the plug when I leave the house. Now, there have been a few occasions that he has let this slide and I thought this would be another one of those occasions...should have known, especially with the attitude I had going on. So, the new plug was worn outside of the house for the first time...to a family restaurant.

My mood automatically flipped. Sigh. It's not that I like being cranky, but knowing that having something up my ass can change my mood so fast...

Anyway, I liked it. There were times when I didn't think about it (kids to take care of and all), however, sure enough, it would come rushing back to the forefront of my mind when I would move a certain way. 

A waitress complimented my dress, which is always nice, especially when it's the first time wearing said dress. Master complimented me quite a few times (throughout the night) as well, verbally and...other ways (grins). 

After we got back, I was sent off to the grocery store--thank goodness for lists! I was there for about an hour...

By the time the kids were in bed, I was aching to be touched...

And touch me he did (grins).

Friday, July 11, 2014

It's Done

I did it again! I finished another quilt! Sure I did it the same style of quilt, and managed to make some of the mistakes I made last time, but who cares, this one will work just as good as the store bought kind (and besides, mc kitten told me (the last time I finished a quilt) mistakes are good and made on purpose by some!).

Don't you just want to cuddle up in it?

Yay! No more sewing! Okay, I like sewing, but not the way Master likes it. I prefer to take my time--you know, like a year, not a few months. Turns out he likes to see me put more effort into what I do...

I haven't missed a run since he expressed how important it is.

Soooooo, I'm not grounded anymore. My online time is still limited, but it's a much more manageable time.

And a part of me, a little part of me, wants to have that back (the grounding). I'm trying not to figure it out...'cause it makes no sense.

But, yay! I did it! :)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Grounded, but I Can Still Play

"Go take off your clothes, get in bed, lay just like you are now and rub your clit until I get there."

He didn't need to tell me twice (grins).

So, there I was in bed, face down and ass up, when he came in the room. He went directly to the box and I heard a clank, clank. (There is only one toy in our box that makes that noise.)

The anal hook went in, and the cane came out. Soon I was unsuccessfully wiggling away.

I particularly liked it when he had me hold his cane in my mouth, and when the rope was around my neck (he was very careful!), and...

Well look at the time! I was hoping to share more details, but, wouldn't ya' know, my time has just ran out.

*EVIL LAUGH*

Monday, July 7, 2014

Grounded

I'm having one of those "part of me feels this way, but the other part feels that way" moments. Except this time I have more than two parts--I'm like a pie, each piece a different flavor and cut too small.

I believe it was Tuesday evening, I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner when Master told me I was in trouble (head hangs low).

My time that I can spend online has gone from limited to you-don't-have-time-to-do-diddly-squat. Awesome.

Basically, I'm grounded.

Grounded...like a child (sigh).

So, he tells me that I have ten minutes a day online, and on the days I'm scheduled to run I can earn an extra twenty minutes (by actually running) and this will continue on until I finish the quilt I'm working on and my running is consistent (forehead hits the desk, what have I done?!)

In hindsight maybe I should have found sewing and running more important.

Master also made sure to let me know just how ridiculous it is that I haven't been running or sewing with any consistency. I couldn't look him in the eyes, even when he had my face in his hands. Not that I look him in the eyes anytime he is upset with me, but this time...it felt different.

Back to the beginning of this post, I don't know how to feel.

I do believe this is the first time anyone has grounded me, and actually followed through with it. My mom would ground me, but that would only last a day, sometimes just hours, before she would give in and let me do whatever it was that I wanted to do.

You would think after all this time of wanting this, that I wouldn't be having such a hard time trying to keep my mouth from sputtering out reasons for him to not do this -to let me have my time back- but I am. It is so very hard! I'm not saying anything though. It's just not worth the risk. If he gave in...that would be worse than having no time online.

Him taking away my online time is a big deal. I don't really have that much of a life, lol. I don't have many friends (which is the way I want it), and I don't get out of the house much (I don't mind this either), so being online, for whatever reason, gives me a break from all that's going on around me. However, if I'm being honest, I could get the same reprieve from sewing and running (sigh).

I'm upset, happy, frustrated, comforted, and excited. I feel special, yet shammed and belittled.

Ugh! I don't know how to feel! This is all so confusing!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

What They Said

Because I want to write, yet can't find any words, I give you a song I enjoy...

Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise

The Avett Brothers

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print, they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black, and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it


Where nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be, and go be it


There was a dream that one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream till I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out


There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
in the fine print, they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it



There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out


There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print, they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light

And I’m frightened by those who don’t see it