Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Back to Wondering What I Am

So, reading over at lil's place, has got me thinking (doesn't she do that to you too?!)...

And I know I've touched on this subject before (here)...

But what the heck is the difference between a sub and slave?!?!? Seriously, tell me. 'Cause it doesn't seem like there is a clear line when it comes to those two labels, and for some reason it seems important to me...what am I?!

Sometimes I feel like a slave, other times not-so-much...does that mean I'm a sub/slave? Can you be both? I don't mind being one or the other...obviously I want to be a slave, but I'm really okay with being a sub...

Isn't it weird that I can feel like a slave, but I don't know what makes a slave, a slave? lol Gosh, this is all so confusing!

Am I a slave if Master says I am, even if I don't feel like I am? I mean, he calls me a whore, but that doesn't mean I really am one, by definition anyway :)

Awhile ago, someone said to me that they were more of a slave than I am. It was meant to be funny...but it stung a little. It is the "more" part that gets to me. Can a sub/slave be more of a sub/slave than another, when dynamics are so different? Or could someone be more of a sub/slave because they've been doing it longer?

Maybe I should be asking what the difference is between D/s and M/s...

It's not that this really matters, because it won't change what we're doing and who I am, but I'd like to know where the line is drawn...okay, what I really want to know is, what I am and what are we doing over here.

And it's completely okay if no one can answer or wants to answer...'cause I'm not sure I would touch this one if I was reading this on another blog, lol. Though it does seem to be clearer when I look at others, than when I look at myself...


  1. Don't worry, you are so not alone in wondering this. We've been in the lifestyle for a long time now, and in the local community for quite awhile as well. This is what I have found - maybe it'll help shed some light for you.

    A submissive have some free will.. they have limits, they negotiate. A slave has no free will, no limits, no negotiation. Some will tell you, although I have found it not always to be the case with some, that slaves cannot sit on furniture or do things in that sort. But, on the same note - I've found that some of these things I first mentioned don't always ring true either. That is where it can get confusing, I think. For, every dynamic - every couple - every relationship in the style.. does things differently. Defines these things differently.

    When it comes to examining yourself on these things.. I feel it comes down to what works best for you and your Dominant. For example, with me and Sir, I follow a lot of the traditional, or more thought I suppose, slave concepts. I have no limits with Him. No negotiations. But, He allows me to have some free will in a lot of other areas in life.

    See? Gets so complex. huh? Some will say there is a right way.. and a wrong way. Some will in fact probably not want to answer this, in fear that someone else may jump all over their opinions on the matter. But in the end.. if something works for you and your Dominant.. be it slave, submissive, or a mix of the two.. that in my opinion is what counts. How you serve your Dominant, if you're happy in doing it..and your Dominant is happy.

    I hope that made some sense and may help a little. It can be such a complex and confusing subject. :) Labels alone, can make things confusing. lol.

    Hugs! xx

    1. brat, this is still confusing to me, lol. I'm just one of those people that want a definite definition. I'm giving in though, I will conform. :)

      He says I'm his slave, and so I am...and it feels darn good!

      It is interesting to me though, what you've learned! Seeing how people think differently about the subject.

      Thank you for your input!

    2. I so understand, this is something I have put a lot of wonder and thought into myself. :) Like you, I like having a definition, lol. But, like I said - I think the bottom line is, whatever works for the people involved in the dynamic is all that matters. There is no right and wrong way. :) What the Dominant says, it what it is. He says your are His slave.. and that is awesome! And even more awesome that it feels so great for you. :) That is all that counts for sure, sweetie. That you guys are happy in what works for you both. :)

      It is an interesting topic for sure. And my pleasure on input, always happy to lend extra thoughts. :)

      Hugs! xxoo

  2. Misty,
    Labels are how you define them. Your relationship only belongs to the two of you. Have you asked him for his take on this? And it is quite the subject to tackle and I really don't have any good answers for you but if you are curious, I wrote about some of this here:

    1. Bleu, what a great post! I'm still pondering it, but I think while he says I'm his slave (grins) that we are not M/s. We're just not that far in. And it is very scary, yet at the same time it just feels right, that we are headed that way...if that makes sense. It's possible that next week I will feel differently though :)

      Thank you, Bleu!

  3. I have written on this also.....When i first started reading blogs, i would read one from a person who called herself a slave,,,and i would think, slave she is along like me...i am not slave. Then i would read about someone who called themselves submissive...and i would think WOW.....she seems like a slave to me.
    Then finally, i learned...the only definition that counts,,,is yours and your partner's. My Master is big on knowing that i have chosen to be His,,,,therefore i am not a slave...altho some might think so.
    And really i am now much less interested in what others call themselves , or me....what matters is that Master and i are happy with our dynamic.
    hugs abby

    1. abby, this whole "define it how you want to" thing, isn't easy for me, lol. You're right though, it is what we make it. So glad I have people like you around to help me with this!!!

  4. In my opinion we get to label ourselves. Each dynamic is so very different, just as each person's tastes are different. I identify as as a submissive, I retain some control in my life for example, parenting. I am the stay at home parent, so I make many of those decisions unilaterally with Sir's complete confidence. However, when it comes to he and I, Sir makes all the decisions. I had my say when we negotiated our contract for our relationship/dynamic.
    Sir also hates it when I call him Master. LOL and in my opinion Master and sub sound weird.

    So whatever reason we choose for our labels is legitimate in my my opinion. Also, no one is more or less, just as no one is a truer sub/slave or true Dom/Sir/Master than anyone else.

    All of this is my opinion for whatever water that holds.


    1. Beth, seems like you're not alone in thinking we label ourselves :)
      I'm a stay at home mom too, though I do work a little (from home), so when it comes to the kids I have more of a say. It's kind of like the kids are employees, I'm the manager, and he is the boss. It's been like that since before D/s though.

      I have been calling him Master for awhile now, but it's still feels weird, lol.

      Thanks for your input!!

  5. at the end of the day it's got to be self defined I think, espeically when we're using words like 'slave' outside of their historical context.

    I'm scared witless by the title 'sub' for me, there is a huge emphasis on submitting, submission, and really feeling submissive. Although I certainly have a submissive side and enjoy submitting at times, that so isn't me.

    On the other hand, for me, 'slave' is something that I am even when I'm not in the mood, even when I'm struggling, it's still there, I can't damage it by not doing it 'properly' if you see what I mean. Being a slave and being owned is, about for me, ultimate belong, being cherished and wanted and care for.

    but that's just me - as I say, at the end of the day, it has to be down to self definition, what you identify with, what's right for you, your SO and the dynamic.

    And as we're all only a sub or a slave or whatever to and for our Master/Dom/SO whatever, then it's impossible for someone else to be more or less than us, because we're all doing a very unique job.

    1. mc kitten, "'slave' is something that I am even when I'm not in the mood, even when I'm struggling, it's still there, I can't damage it by not doing it 'properly' if you see what I mean. Being a slave and being owned is, about for me, ultimate belong, being cherished and wanted and care for." OH! I do like that! And I get it, and agree.

      That's what I was thinking about being more or less of a sub/slave, but, being the overthinker I am, the comment made me second guess myself. Thanks for commenting on that, I do feel better about it now.

  6. I wanted to let you all know that I've read your comments, I'm thinking them over, and I will reply to them once my thoughts straighten out a little, lol. But, thank you! I was starting to question if I should have posted this (yep, over thinker sitting right here).

  7. Umm, sorry? :)

    Would you kick me if I said that you're probably whatever he says you are?

    For me, slavery is about being what he says I am, not defining my own limits, knowing in my heart that I am no longer capable of walking away, accepting that total surrender is my ultimate goal, that he says I am slave and therefor I am, and probably a great many other things that will occur to me at midnight.

    I think that mc kitten made a great point about these words being self defined, especially slavery--historically, it is an egregious and awful thing. We redefine for the context of ttwd.
    My idea of slavery is probably someone elses idea of submission, and my idea of submission is probably another person's idea of slavery.

    Yep, I'm sticking with you're whatever he says you are.

    1. lil, no reason to be sorry at all!

      Sigh (keeping my feet to myself), why do you and Bleuame have to go and make it so easy? It just can't be that easy! :)

      Seriously though, you're right, this is all up to him and it doesn't really matter how others define it. I am what he says I am.

  8. Hi Misty, a great and tough question. I think we tend to get too hung up on labels. One person's idea of sub is another's idea of slave. I agree it should be how each couple defines it and what works for them.


    1. Roz, it seems like everyone is in agreement that we get to define what label we are :)

      I'm definitely hung up on it at the moment, lol. When I asked Master about it the first thing he said was, "Oh, you're back on that?" lol

  9. Everyone here has given very good input on this. The raw definition of a slave is someone who can be bought and sold as property and that doesn't apply in any of our cases. We tend to use the modern lifestyle labels that leads to confusion. Its easy for us to "want" to be a slave or submissive based on our needs. If you feel you are a slave then you are. If you obey without question then you are. Whatever the case, enjoy your role in life. Be happy and don't get caught up with the words.

    1. David, I definitely would not let him sell me! Not that he would want to. :)

      It is so hard not to get caught up in words, they've had definite definitions until now, lol. One of these days it will set in that everything is backwards in ttwd :)


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