Monday, July 7, 2014

Grounded

I'm having one of those "part of me feels this way, but the other part feels that way" moments. Except this time I have more than two parts--I'm like a pie, each piece a different flavor and cut too small.

I believe it was Tuesday evening, I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner when Master told me I was in trouble (head hangs low).

My time that I can spend online has gone from limited to you-don't-have-time-to-do-diddly-squat. Awesome.

Basically, I'm grounded.

Grounded...like a child (sigh).

So, he tells me that I have ten minutes a day online, and on the days I'm scheduled to run I can earn an extra twenty minutes (by actually running) and this will continue on until I finish the quilt I'm working on and my running is consistent (forehead hits the desk, what have I done?!)

In hindsight maybe I should have found sewing and running more important.

Master also made sure to let me know just how ridiculous it is that I haven't been running or sewing with any consistency. I couldn't look him in the eyes, even when he had my face in his hands. Not that I look him in the eyes anytime he is upset with me, but this time...it felt different.

Back to the beginning of this post, I don't know how to feel.

I do believe this is the first time anyone has grounded me, and actually followed through with it. My mom would ground me, but that would only last a day, sometimes just hours, before she would give in and let me do whatever it was that I wanted to do.

You would think after all this time of wanting this, that I wouldn't be having such a hard time trying to keep my mouth from sputtering out reasons for him to not do this -to let me have my time back- but I am. It is so very hard! I'm not saying anything though. It's just not worth the risk. If he gave in...that would be worse than having no time online.

Him taking away my online time is a big deal. I don't really have that much of a life, lol. I don't have many friends (which is the way I want it), and I don't get out of the house much (I don't mind this either), so being online, for whatever reason, gives me a break from all that's going on around me. However, if I'm being honest, I could get the same reprieve from sewing and running (sigh).

I'm upset, happy, frustrated, comforted, and excited. I feel special, yet shammed and belittled.

Ugh! I don't know how to feel! This is all so confusing!

6 comments:

  1. I understand exactly how you feel. But we both know you need his control just like I need Miss Emily's. It still stings at times, but we both crave it, I think.

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  2. Ah Misty,

    You'll get through this and figuring out where that tug o' of emotion finds the balance, will happen.
    Big hugs of blue.

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    Replies
    1. Bleuame, so when will this balance occur? :) I think, for now, I'm not going to try to make sense of it and just let it be...maybe balance will happen without me forcing it, lol.

      Thanks for the hug!

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  3. I so get this Misty, feeling comforted and special yet upset and frustrated. Wanting it, yet not wanting it
    .
    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz, it is so darn confusing!! Hope you are doing well.

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