Saturday, August 30, 2014

Books, Obsessing, and Balance

It's been awhile since I've read. Like a year. I mean I've picked up books, read a few pages, and...eh, I just have had other things on my mind (like him tying me up) and I just haven't been able to get into it. I haven't felt that urge to go off into someone else's world because, ya' know, I've been obsessed my life has been pretty exciting lately.

But I do love reading. I tend to like the supernatural kind, and I stay away from based on true stories (I figure, why read about real life when I'm living real life). Don't get me wrong, all books have their time and place (well, most do), but I like reading about places I can't go, it lets my imagination fly. Going back in time with Jane Austen -and the like- is quite enjoyable, as well.

To the point...

I took my daughters to the library the other day, and happened across the last Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlaine Harris, Dead Ever After, and decided to check it out. I've read the previous eleven books in the series and have put off reading this last one for some reason (ahem).

I really wanted to take this one slow, being the last one and all.

I read the darn thing in two days.

But I get this way. I become fanatical about things. And when I'm in this state, it's hard to put my thoughts elsewhere--I can do it, but it's not without effort.

So I figure that's what I've been doing with D/s -obsessing about it and him- and I think maybe I've gone wrong in that.

I want ttwd to be our way of life forever -I want it to flow, and evolve, and become what it will, and never ever go away- and I want to exist for him...but I don't want to be consumed with it.

I'm probably not making any sense. lol.

I want ttwd to always be there, but I want balance, too. We need balance. It's important. Therefore, I think I need to work on that balance--to try to find a way to have D/s there, but not put so much pressure/importance on it...

I think that's what I'm trying to get at...

But it is important, so...ugh...I don't know! lol

I need to find time space in my head for everything. To find a way to have the addiction and life coexist at the same time, without letting one consume the other.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say...

I think.

Monday, August 25, 2014

And the World Faded

We were on the couch when instructed me to take off my pants, to get him a beer, and close the curtains. I got up closed the curtains and brought him his beer. It was the wrong flavor so I went back for the other kind...

"I told you to take your pants off. Don't come back in here with them on," he says implying I should have known better.

"It's cold in here." Why do I do that?! We all know I wanted to take off my pants for him... 

"I don't care."
______________________

He pulled me onto his lap by my hair -positioned me so my ass was in the air- and started pinching my clit...

For the first time in who knows how long, the world faded and I was his. It was just him, me, and his pinching fingers.
______________________

It was only nine o'clock (kids went to sleep early!) when he said he wanted to go to bed. He got there before me...

"You forgot to put the sheets on the bed." He really didn't seem bothered by this though.

Come to think of it, the whole evening was kind of peculiar. 

I run and grab the sheets out of the dryer, and when I get back he is leaning on the dresser, cutting off pieces of a peach. I thought he would help me make the bed. It didn't take me long to figure out that wasn't going to happen.

I scurried around the bed, while he ate and enjoyed watching me, which kinda made me feel...good?

When I got to the corner he was near, he ran the tip of the paring knife across my bottom a couple times, lightly scratching...

That was it for the knife, but there was other stuff. Oh yes, there was other stuff. Some breath play, lots more pinching, the vibrator, and I can't remember what else. But it was wonderful to get back to that place--I missed it so!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Changes

As sure as I can feel a change in the air, I feel change coming in my life. For the most part, I like change. Change, to me, means opportunity.

As far as Master and I go, we have had many changes in our relationship over the past year and we are definitely moving on to more changes--more opportunities. I am ready for this particular change.

I want to do something to mark this point in my life, and I've decided to change the title of my blog (though the address will stay the same).

I don't do this lightly. I wonder what some might think. I wonder if it is the right time, if there is a time for this at all. Being the over-thinker I am, I wonder a lot of things. However, I feel the new name is more fitting to who I am now and who I will become.

I think a submission to slavery is what I am doing now and I want that to be reflected in the title of my blog.

My heart does a skip when I think of being his slave, of having that deep connection with him, and in that I know this is the right thing to do.

And, besides, if I change my mind, I can always change it back. (grins)

*closes eyes and hopes for the best*


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Inching My Way Back on the Horse

I've been going through a thing--not really sure what to call it. All this life stuff has my mind scrambled.

And I've fallen off the horse. 

I'm going to attempt to make this next part as painless as I can...

I've mentioned before that I was sexually abused when I was a child...and, in another post, I mentioned that I have a problem with pushing Master away, which is a result of being abused...it's almost like an instinct (not sure how else to explain that, and I really don't want to get into it)...from what I can tell it happens more often when my mind isn't in the right place. Sigh.

I've been trying to think of ways to pull out of it. Trying to work it out on my own (until recently). I think that made it worse. It has been growing over the past two months.

So, yeah, the whole scrambled mind thing has, ummm, been a problem. We're working on it though. He's working on it on me. Me? I'm mad at the situation. Mad that it is a situation. I've been worried that I might turn back into who I was before. I know that's irrational. There is no going back to that, not after I've found this part of me, but I don't want to loose hold -even for a moment- of the real me, the me that is what he deserves. 

As far as the life stuff, there are things I can't control, and I need to stop focusing on them. I can accept them -accept that they have and will happen- and move on. Enjoy the seasons of life--past, present, and future. I can focus on all the good I have. There is a lot of good around here and it would be a shame to miss out on it because I'm worried about things I can't change.

Monday, August 18, 2014

A Year for You

Today is the big day! I can't believe it's here!

It has been exactly one year since I started writing here! Wow. A complete year of my craziness in black and white (scary thought), but I don't want to talk about me today, because today is about YOU! That's right, today is about each and every one of you, because without you this place wouldn't be what it is. I have cried, bitched, whined, laughed, mused, and so much more, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without all the acceptance from you.

And I can't thank you enough.

When I first started reading about D/s I came across a blog that put this blog in motion. I was touched by her words in a big way, and I became inspired. The inner writer in me (holy cow, am I writer?!) woke up and said, "I want to write like that!" Now, of course, I will never be able to write like lil over at Submissive Sanctuary, but she sure did inspire me and she continues to do so.

Please know that this could have been many of you -so many of you are inspiring, wonderful writers- but I happened upon her blog first, and it feels like the right time to give some credit. 

I also have to thank lil, His slut, tori, Bleuame, little girl, abby, Del Fonte, mc kitten, and Roz for all being here since the beginning (well, within the first two months)--you have stuck it out with me for a year (are you crazy?!) and I find myself incredibly lucky to have lady's like you around for advice and support.

But, here's the thing, no matter how long you've been here -be it one year or one week- you are so important to what I do here. All of you make me feel like I belong...

Now look at me, I'm all emotional!

I guess that's no surprise. lol.

Anyway, the list below is everyone that has played a part in my blog, and I deeply thank all of you for reading and taking the time to comment. *crossing my fingers that I didn't forget anyone!*

abby (finally finding "me")
Amber Wolfe aka brat (Mortuary Chick)
Aurora (Not Your Everyday Fairy Tale)
Ava Grace (The Beauty of Submission)
Awkward Frog Blue (Awkward Frog Blue)
Betsy T (My life as a Sexually Submissive Woman)
BigDlils (Big D lil s Life)
Bleuame (private blog, but here is her profile)
Brooke Austin (Practicing Surrender)
Chickadee (Just Chickie)
davefan0609 (davefan0609)
David F. (blog is no longer active)
DelFonte (A Place of Fancies)
Faerie Wings (faerie learns to fly)
Flordia Dom (Florida Dom's Corner)
Fondles (Fondlers Anonymous)
Han van Meegeren (Infinitesimal Thoughts)
His slut (Thoughts From His Slut)
Irishey (Irishey's Isle)
Jackie Berlant (Google+)
Joey (Joey and Friends)
lil (Submissive Sanctuary)
little (willing slut)
little girl (Master's Submissive Little Girl)
Master49 (The Taming of L)
mostly mouse (The Power Exchange)
mc kitten (Pillow Talk)
Mickey (Blissfully Submissive, may she RIP)
Mistress Marie (Mistress Marie and Her Slave!)
NeedyT (Google+)
Pearl Necklace (Happily Surrendered and Submissive)
Roz (Roz in his hands)
Sarah (Clear As Mud)
saturn 2013 (blog is no longer active)
scarlet (scarlet's submission)
Slave David (Mistress Marie and Her Slave!)
slave destiny (Reclaiming *~destiny~*)
Sophia (Loving Submission)
Spankingly Good Time (Love and Marriage in New England)
sub hub in phx (submissive husband in Phoenix)
Subrina (Subrina ~ Finding Our Way in This Thing We Do)
Tiklish (pusseezablur)
Tomsrose (Tom's Rose)
tori (Pain's Pleasure)
1ManView (2 blogs see Blogger Profile)
2009dag (blog is no longer active)

Monday, August 11, 2014

Punishment: I want it, but I don't

Punishment (in the physical form) is something I've wanted from the beginning (no secret there, see this post), and my feelings about it was the cause of a lot of our problems--I thought it absolutely had to happen, when he thought otherwise. He believed I should obey because I wanted to obey, not because I would be punished if I didn't.

Through much not needed turmoil, and with some great advice, I figured out that it really wasn't necessary. And where I'm still a little conflicted on the topic -because he is right, but not entirely right...I mean he is always right (grins), but I feel there's more to it- I let it go months ago and stopped fighting his decision, and guess what? The world didn't end and we are still doing D/s. Go figure.

But that's not the point of this post. 

The point is, now he finds it necessary. Humpf.

And ya' know, I couldn't be more confused about how I feel about punishment--as if I wasn't confused before (you can read a little about that here).

When I see that darn, almost inch thick wooden, paddle in his hand I know I've pushed him to that point and he is disappointed in me, which obviously does not feel good. And when said paddle collides with my bottom, it does not feel good either, in anyway, whatsoever.

I cringe when I see that paddle and my urge to run is strong.  

In that moment I really don't want him to do it. I try to talk him out of it...

The thing is though, I do still want it, even when I don't. I would be so upset if he listened to my pleas because it makes me feel more... of something I can't put my finger on.

Afterwords, I am more focused--I am not thinking about how I have failed, yet how I could do better, and that is a very nice change.

But, the thing is, I don't want him to feel like he has to do it, and I don't want to feel his disappointment.

And it really, really hurts. I try to stay still, really I do, but my mind and body sure don't feel the same about it, and my bottom just won't stay still!

I think I feel closer to him, maybe.

And even though I know I should obey without it, and for the most part I do, but knowing I will get hit with that darn paddle if I forget my plug when I leave the house...well, let's just say I haven't forgot it once since that punishment.

Oh, and the control he has over me in those moments is so deliciously wonderful.

And, I guess that's all I can come up with at this point in time...

Friday, August 8, 2014

Just Keeps Getting Better

Disclaimer: I highly suggest you avoid this post, it will not make your day any better.

Death is one tragedy I don't have a lot of experience with and, to be blunt, it scares the shit out of me. Not death necessarily, but how it will feel to loose those I love, to have a hole in my life where they belong. 

I have been so lucky to have had my grandparents for so long and that they have played an important part in my life. My mom has been single for a good portion of my life and my grandparents helped raise me from a baby. They are in their 80's...

I've told you that my best friends grandpa has cancer, found out last week my aunt (one that I was around a lot growing up) had a heart attack (and because I don't do the Facebook thing anymore I didn't find out until weeks later), found out yesterday my grandpa had to have surgery the night before, my grandma has Alzheimer's and it's getting bad fast, another grandpa has never been too healthy and is dwindling as well, and my mom, she's killing herself one drink at a time.

I'm just so scared to loose them, especially the grandpa that just had surgery--he pretty much took the place of my dad, he gave me away at our wedding...

I'm just so scared--I know I can't change it, we are all going to die at some point, but...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Trying to Refocus

I'm not exactly sure I should be writing at the moment. I don't really want to think. It could be good though.

I haven't slept in three days--okay, that's an exaggeration, but not as much of one as you might think.

I just feel so...incompetent. It's not like I'm anymore incompetent than I was a month ago, so not sure why it's such a big deal now. Maybe I'm just seeing it more clearly now? Who knows.

He says it's because I'm on my period, which ended yesterday, or was it the day before yesterday...what day is it again?

And, ya' know what makes it worse? My incompetence isn't entirely my fault. It's just...there. It is one of those things that falls under the "life isn't fair" category.

I know I shouldn't let these things get to me, but what if it never changes? It just seems like the harder I try, the worse it gets and...the more I push him away ('cause I don't feel good enough?) and...the less he touches me...and none of that fair to him, or to me.

I just need to focus on the things that are a little easier to change...yeah, that's what I need to do...