Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Inching My Way Back on the Horse

I've been going through a thing--not really sure what to call it. All this life stuff has my mind scrambled.

And I've fallen off the horse. 

I'm going to attempt to make this next part as painless as I can...

I've mentioned before that I was sexually abused when I was a child...and, in another post, I mentioned that I have a problem with pushing Master away, which is a result of being abused...it's almost like an instinct (not sure how else to explain that, and I really don't want to get into it)...from what I can tell it happens more often when my mind isn't in the right place. Sigh.

I've been trying to think of ways to pull out of it. Trying to work it out on my own (until recently). I think that made it worse. It has been growing over the past two months.

So, yeah, the whole scrambled mind thing has, ummm, been a problem. We're working on it though. He's working on it on me. Me? I'm mad at the situation. Mad that it is a situation. I've been worried that I might turn back into who I was before. I know that's irrational. There is no going back to that, not after I've found this part of me, but I don't want to loose hold -even for a moment- of the real me, the me that is what he deserves. 

As far as the life stuff, there are things I can't control, and I need to stop focusing on them. I can accept them -accept that they have and will happen- and move on. Enjoy the seasons of life--past, present, and future. I can focus on all the good I have. There is a lot of good around here and it would be a shame to miss out on it because I'm worried about things I can't change.

12 comments:

  1. It's ok to fall off the horse, and when you do, when your ready, you climb back on.

    Your working it through together and thats great,i think i have said it before but i will say it again lol, sometimes it does feel like its 5 steps forward and 3 back....but its still progress.

    x

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    1. tori, falling off the horse hurts, lol, but I'm so ready to get back on.

      Thinking about what you've said, "5 steps forward and 3 back," it does feel that way. It also feels like each step back makes me stronger, in a way...so that's something!

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  2. We all fall, what matters is that we get back up. You have lots of friends cheering for you.....wishing you better days ahead.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, thank you! It means a lot to me, to have friends cheering me along.

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  3. so proud of you!! You want to make it better. That means you will. Small steps!

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    1. Hs, thanks! Small steps...got to remember that!

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  4. I commend you for being able to write this, that's really brave of you. As someone who has been through it myself I wouldn't be able to talk about it in my writing. I have noticed that as I get older the angrier I become about it, and you have every right to be angry. Being able to even want to move past it is a great step towards recovery, and forgiveness. You are miles ahead already.

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    1. SweetPea, I've been trying to remember how many times I've actually wrote about it and I can only remember seven, my entire life, three of them here (this being one of them), the rest were personal. And looking back at each time, it got a little better, I accepted a little more, forgave a little more, but it was/is HARD. It's almost like by writing about it you get to release it--it's still there, still a part of me, but it's not as controlling. Not sure how to explain that.

      Forgiveness, that's a hard one. There is a lot I have forgiven already, but seems I have a lot more to forgive.

      One thing that sometimes helps me work through the anger/hurt/sadness, is knowing that he doesn't deserve my anger/hurt. He would get satisfaction knowing that he still affects me, and though he doesn't know, I do. I refuse to give him any more of my life than what I have to. He's not losing any sleep over what he has done, my anger doesn't affect him in the least (when it affects me greatly), I'm not going to get back what he took, so I try really hard not to let those ill feelings take over. We deserve to be happy despite what has been done.

      Thanks for reading and the comment! It's always nice to see a new face around here :)

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  5. ((Hugs)) Misty, I'm so glad you posted this. It's ok to fall off the horse, and I get you being mad. I'm so glad you are working through it together.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I think I'm glad I posted it too :) It's nice to have him by my side--to not be alone this time.

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    1. Thanks, mc kitten. We're working our way through it, so it's not all bad :)

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