Monday, August 11, 2014

Punishment: I want it, but I don't

Punishment (in the physical form) is something I've wanted from the beginning (no secret there, see this post), and my feelings about it was the cause of a lot of our problems--I thought it absolutely had to happen, when he thought otherwise. He believed I should obey because I wanted to obey, not because I would be punished if I didn't.

Through much not needed turmoil, and with some great advice, I figured out that it really wasn't necessary. And where I'm still a little conflicted on the topic -because he is right, but not entirely right...I mean he is always right (grins), but I feel there's more to it- I let it go months ago and stopped fighting his decision, and guess what? The world didn't end and we are still doing D/s. Go figure.

But that's not the point of this post. 

The point is, now he finds it necessary. Humpf.

And ya' know, I couldn't be more confused about how I feel about punishment--as if I wasn't confused before (you can read a little about that here).

When I see that darn, almost inch thick wooden, paddle in his hand I know I've pushed him to that point and he is disappointed in me, which obviously does not feel good. And when said paddle collides with my bottom, it does not feel good either, in anyway, whatsoever.

I cringe when I see that paddle and my urge to run is strong.  

In that moment I really don't want him to do it. I try to talk him out of it...

The thing is though, I do still want it, even when I don't. I would be so upset if he listened to my pleas because it makes me feel more... of something I can't put my finger on.

Afterwords, I am more focused--I am not thinking about how I have failed, yet how I could do better, and that is a very nice change.

But, the thing is, I don't want him to feel like he has to do it, and I don't want to feel his disappointment.

And it really, really hurts. I try to stay still, really I do, but my mind and body sure don't feel the same about it, and my bottom just won't stay still!

I think I feel closer to him, maybe.

And even though I know I should obey without it, and for the most part I do, but knowing I will get hit with that darn paddle if I forget my plug when I leave the house...well, let's just say I haven't forgot it once since that punishment.

Oh, and the control he has over me in those moments is so deliciously wonderful.

And, I guess that's all I can come up with at this point in time...

16 comments:

  1. 'The point is, now he finds it necessary. Humpf.'

    oh I'm so sorry Misty but I laughed out loud at that!

    (((hugs)))

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    1. mc kitten, lol, it's okay :) The man is frustrating in a lovely way

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  2. ME too mc kitten. Punishments are tricky.....when they do occur....thankfully, not often, Master wants to be certain He made His point and will not have to repeat. I do not want a repeat either.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, it might be too soon to tell but I think it might go something like that over here too.

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  3. Now i"m the one confuse about your punishment... :)

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    1. lol, 1ManView, we can be confused together :)

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  4. It's a strange tight rope we walk. Not wanting to disappoint, but almost craving the correction that comes with it.
    Hugs!

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  5. Ah Misty, I totally get this. Yes, we should obey because we want to obey and please, but we are human and don't always get it right. The punishment itself sucks, but I also want it because it lets me know whatever led to it matters to him ... that I matter. There is also the feeling of resolution afterwards and the connection between us.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, "whatever led to it matters to him ... that I matter. There is also the feeling of resolution afterwards and the connection between us."

      It does make me feel like it matters to him, and that's comforting (weird finding comfort in something painful!). I'm glad you said that you feel a connection, I wasn't sure that's what I felt, but it does seem to bring us closer.

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  6. Yea well, at least you didn't spend a year blathering on about how punishment wasn't part of your dynamic only to have him come by and read a post one day and tell you you're friggin batty because punishment certainly IS part of your dynamic (no confusion bitterness here, oh no). I still think I was right. Very quietly and inside my head. All stealth like.

    Don't you just love it when they go around changing their minds? Like they think they're human or something. Hmph.

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    1. Lmao! I remember those posts relating to that! I actually was the one that asked you how "it" worked without punishment. I was so confused back then, lol.

      How wise of you to be stealth like about it :)

      It's times like this that we have to remember to keep our hands and feet to ourselves :)

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  7. I haven't been here in awhile Misty. I apologize - life took over for awhile and I'm trying to get back into the swing of things here. Wow - I feel much ambivalence about punishment. I mean, I want it. I'm the one that asked for this dynamic and asked for punishment specifically. I get ticked off when he doesn't follow through with punishment and I get irritated when he does punish me. I think because when he does punish me, it's never for something I think I should be punished for and when I think I should be punished for something I'm not. It's all very confusing to me!

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    1. Tomsrose, it has been awhile, glad to see you back!

      I know that feeling quite well! One thing I've learned is, it will hardly ever happen how you think it will, or how you think it should. It's a hard lesson, lol. And if it was me giving myself advice, I'd say, "It's up to him to do it how he wants, so let him." Now if I could just remember that advice...

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  8. Misty,

    I understand completely what you are saying. I read a lot of D/s blogs and books. I have found that this thing I have felt missing is that need to submit. My husband doesn't understand this so we have working around that void. Even when he fulfills it, I still feel empty.

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    1. Larissa, for me, when it wasn't going how I wanted it to, I found it beneficial to stop reading. It makes that "if he would just..." feeling not seem as terrible. It helps to focus on what he needs, rather than what everyone else is doing. Hang in there...

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