Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Trying to Refocus

I'm not exactly sure I should be writing at the moment. I don't really want to think. It could be good though.

I haven't slept in three days--okay, that's an exaggeration, but not as much of one as you might think.

I just feel so...incompetent. It's not like I'm anymore incompetent than I was a month ago, so not sure why it's such a big deal now. Maybe I'm just seeing it more clearly now? Who knows.

He says it's because I'm on my period, which ended yesterday, or was it the day before yesterday...what day is it again?

And, ya' know what makes it worse? My incompetence isn't entirely my fault. It's just...there. It is one of those things that falls under the "life isn't fair" category.

I know I shouldn't let these things get to me, but what if it never changes? It just seems like the harder I try, the worse it gets and...the more I push him away ('cause I don't feel good enough?) and...the less he touches me...and none of that fair to him, or to me.

I just need to focus on the things that are a little easier to change...yeah, that's what I need to do...

21 comments:

  1. Big Hugs Misty. My email box is open if you ever want/need to talk or just vent or anything else. I know we are newer friends, but I think many would agree when I say that you are not incompetent. I think many of us know how it feels to feel that way, though. :( Keep your head up, and I'm here if I can help in any way.

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. brat, thank you so much. I can't say that I'm back to normal, but I do feel a little better about myself...

      Delete
    2. Hugs.. you'll get there sweetie. One day at a time. When is the last time you just let yourself soak in a nice bath with a book or something? Or something else you find relaxing? We often forget to do those little things for ourselves - esp those who are submissive. Not saying that you do - just a general statement and wonder, because I myself am so bad at it sometimes, but when it gets pointed out and I spend some down time with something relaxing and a bit pampering - it seems to help a lot.

      Big hugs!

      Delete
    3. brat, I could really use a relaxing bath! I have been a little more stressed lately as well...

      Delete
    4. It is amazing how much they can help at times, huh? Some nice bath salts or bubbles, some candles and lock the door! lol. I hope you can find some time to soak and relax a little. xxoo

      Delete
  2. Uggg...Misty! So sorry. I know how bad this feeling sucks!!

    I know as women, we hate to hear that our hormones or period are to blame and I am not going to assume thus is your situation. But I know without a doubt that it affects me, physically and mentally each and every friggin' month. I really started to recognize the patterns, particularly when my thoughts turned more negative (he must not want me, I can never live up...that kind of stuff). All I can recommend is look for any patterns, see if they are there. Its done wonders for me to accept that they are there and to understand however I am feeling, is temporary. Actually, my goal is to keep myself from over thinking anything during that time because I know its not usually going to lead to anything constructive:)

    Love and hugs xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. little girl, when he told me that I was feeling this way because of my period I wanted to punch him because, darn it, it felt real. Lol. However, I think you're on to something and I'm going to start keeping track of this. If that is the problem I think it would help a lot to keep my thoughts at bay...well I hope so anyway :)

      Gosh, it isn't easy learning to deal with all these emotions!

      Delete
    2. Haha...i think we have all felt the same way when we think they are pulling the period card! It doesn't mean that what you are feeling isn't real though. It just means that you are thinking more with emotions and that leads to over analyzing. Our doms know us well and in fact they know us so well that we have entrusted ourselves to them. So why wouldn't it be reasonable for them to recognize changes in our moods and pick up on the patterns. I had my "duh" moment a few months ago and honestly those thoughts and insecurities are so much easier to dispel when they start popping up now.

      Delete
    3. little girl, now that does make sense! I'm going to have to think about this some more.

      Delete
  3. HUGS....we have all felt that way....breathe....you are trying too hard....YOU were chosen by Him, i am certain He does not agree with your feelings. I have started to get to know you...and i would bet the house and its contents...that you are the only who feels that way. Having said that...and sure of it...i also realize how hard it is to chase those feelings away.....
    hugs..abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby, thank you so much. He told me that I'm not incompetent but it's so hard to listen to him when all my faults are staring me in the face. I know that I can be better, we can always be better, but there's just things that I find unacceptable and those things on top of everything else...

      But I need to remember what you said--he chose me, and he knew what he was getting when he did.

      Thanks again!

      Delete
  4. Misty,

    Hang in there.
    But...if you can give just enough to let him in, to go to him, to offer...to accept when you want to push him away..that might be a way to refocus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame, I think you know exactly how hard...I just...I don't know how to do that. But if I could somehow...I'm positive it would help me refocus. I never thought about accepting it, I always fight it...

      Thank you

      Delete
  5. Big hugs to you Misty. I am also struggling, I feel for you. Keep breathing, and know it will get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beth, yes it will get better. Keep your head up and I will do the same.

      Delete
  6. Sleep deprivation breeds feelings of incompetence. *nods*
    I say this with the cumulative experience of two children who didn't sleep through the night for their first five and two years respectively.

    It's okay to give yourself a little break from striving for perfection sometimes! And hey, just because you feel incompetent right now, doesn't mean that you actually are, or that you'll feel the same way next week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil, well I guess that's something to be thankful for--my girls sleep through the night. However, getting them to sleep seems to be the issue over here.

      Sleep is definitely underrated. I almost had a full night of sleep last night and today I feel a little less incompetent, but his paddle had a few encounters with my bottom (in a not fun way) last night as well, so that might have something to do with it.

      Delete
  7. (((Hugs))) Misty, such wonderful advice above and I agree with everyone. Hang in there, you are not alone in these feelings, and you are not incompetent.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, thank you! It helps a ton to know I'm not alone.

      Delete
  8. oh (((HUGS)))

    i must say, the blog and the comments are a relief to me. I get the whole 'he doesn't really want this/me' stuff far too often and yes, tied into my effing cycle! grrrr! So I'm glad that at least it isn't just me xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten, they are a relief to me too!

      You would think bleeding, cramps, growing babies, delivering them, and all that other stuff that I'm forgetting would be enough, but noooo we have to have our emotions all scrambled too...so unfair.

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?