Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Blocked. Got Ideas?

Every time I sit down to write nothing comes out. I hate this.

Blink. Blink. Blink. Damn cursor. 

Blink. Blink. Blink. Sigh.

200th post here. 

Yesterday, I asked Daddy for ideas. "Write about how much you like things in your ass," he says. Men. I guess it's not a bad idea, but how many times can one write about... 

So I spent a few hours yesterday with the plug in. What is it about plugs? Seriously, how do they make things better?! I was all frustrated, fidgety, and didn't know where I should start on my never ending list of things that need to be done. Then the plug goes in...it was magical! The frustration disappeared and I just started getting things done...don't ask me what it is I actually got done but, darn it, I got stuff done.  

It's hard changing habits, especially when you are trying to change habits you've been doing for thirteen years. Seriously, the stuff that comes out of my mouth when he points out something I've done wrong, or haven't done at all, etc., etc.. Why can't I just say something like, "You're right," and leave it at that? He sure does like slapping my face...

This has to be the worst 200th post ever posted.

I have new hair. I added some highlights. Very exciting.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Oh, I give up! Does anyone have any ideas or questions? Don't be shy. Help, please. 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Random

I'm lacking in things to write about, yet maybe I'm lacking the ability to write about any one thing.

We had a yard sale this weekend. Never want to do that again. Unfortunately, we got rained out one of the two days, so we are on again for next Saturday...

I feel like our D/s is...I don't know...it's like we have slipped into natural places. It feels kind of normal (in a not-so-normal way) and comfortable (in an uncomfortable way).

He made me look at him in the eyes! While we were...you know...doing things. Why is that so hard for me to do?! Seriously, after all we've been through, you would think it would be easier. It's just so...overwhelming. I can look at him easy enough, when he is not looking at me...

I briefly mentioned before that I started writing a fantasy of mine, and well, I'm still writing it. It helps when I have the writing itch and have nothing else to write about, but it's easier than it looks, or maybe I just think too much. Lol. I don't know why I get this way! I think about: (1) grammar (which I don't know squat about), (2) I want to make it mostly realistic (but it's a fantasy!), and seeing as I have no experience (even reading experience) with the subject, I'm not sure I can accomplish that, (3) maybe I shouldn't share it here (but if I don't, what's the point of thinking about grammar?!), (4) I've been contemplating what it would be like to actually go through it--what my worries might be, why my worries wouldn't be in other places, and if (a variation of) it would even be possible for us, (5) fantasies have a way of getting away from you and where this one has gone (in my head, not on paper) is kind of..., (6) why in the world can't I just write without all this extra thinking?!?

Monday, September 22, 2014

I Gave Up on...Something

He asked me if I was done pouting, and I told him I was done with all of it. That we should just add this (D/s) to the list of things I can't do and move on. 

So, I'm done (not really...but kind of).

He tells me there are things that will not change despite my "being done" (especially now that he knows I like sex (sigh. Lol)). It's relieving to know that he thinks there is no going back...'cause there is no going back.

I felt relieved when I told him I was done, and I've been thinking a lot about that--wondering why I would feel like a ton bricks was lifted off my shoulders when I gave up on something that has filled me up and made me whole.

I don't think I gave up on the whole endeavor (which was my intention), but I gave up on...something. Maybe I gave up on my expectations, yet maybe it was more than that...

I think I was putting an importance on things that weren't really that important.

My rules (that I was beginning to resent because he didn't seem to care about them) have turned into something else. They are ways to make him happy, not ways to make me happy (ummm, duh). 

Maybe I let go of some control that was no longer mine...

You know, maybe I gave up on trying to change. Maybe I have been trying way too hard to change who we are. 

Well, now I'm more confused than I was when I started this post...

What I do know is that I feel much more at ease and...yeah, that's all I got. Lol.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

And We Continue on Our Way

When Daddy told me he didn't know if he wanted D/s anymore, it was only out if concern for me. 

See, I shut off a good portion of my emotions a long time ago. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my problems. D/s turned them back on and learning how to feel again...hasn't been easy. Calling him Daddy left me feeling extra vulnerable, which turned into other feelings. I was...honestly, I don't know what I was. 

At first, my thoughts were scattered. I would grab onto a thought and, before I knew it, the darn thing would slip through my fingers. Then, I got angry at the world. Thankfully, that didn't last too long and I moved on to accepting that I like calling him Daddy. 

That acceptance did something to me. It changed me. It made me uncomfortable, vulnerable, and insecure.

I started questioning everything--if he knew what he was doing, if I knew what I was doing, if this, if that...

I was a mess.

I tried to be where he wasn't and talked to him as little as possible (the second day of this, the first time we exchanged words was after two in the afternoon, and he had been home all day)...I know he doesn't like to see me cry and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean...I was just trying to figure it out, ya know?

Maybe if I had just asked for reassurance? Or a hug? Or...something?

Anyway, I've gotten this way before, and he questioned if I was really happy, if this really was the best thing for me...so it wasn't just this time, this was just the last straw. 

Sometimes we just need to take a step back and remove our emotions to see what is real. I see now that I've gone wrong in many ways, and not just with this. 

My expectations have gotten away with me, again. Sigh.

What?! This isn't easy, okay!

No one is a fault here though. This was just something that had to happen in order for us to move forward, and moving forward we are. Thank goodness!
______________________________

Thank you all for your hugs and comments on my last post -I will respond to them as soon as I can-, they were all comforting to me. I have had very little time to read all of your post (why do I feel so bad about that?!), but I hope to catch up at some point! 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I don't want to think of a title

I'm so confused right now. 

He doesn't know... (*takes a deep breath and sits up tall*) he doesn't know if he wants D/s.

He wonders if it's good for us.

He just doesn't understand...

But whatever he wants I will be okay. Truly, I will. I only need him.

If he chooses to keep the D/s going, I requested something. Well, it's a bit more than a request, but not quite a demand (ugh, maybe it is a demand). I don't know if it was/is fair of me, but I don't see how I can trust... 

I think this has a lot to do with the door that was opened by this Daddy thing. I don't know if he expected...I don't think he realizes...I don't think he knows how common it is for highs to be really high and lows to be lower than low...nor how to deal with the lows...

I'm trying not to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm really not. This is what it is.

I will be happy to finally know what he wants, and it feels good to give him the choice. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

Accepting Daddy

Funny how a name -or, in this case, a name change- has altered the way I think. He is still my husband, still Master in a way, I am still me, the sky is still blue (or gray), and the world is still spinning exactly as it did yesterday, yet it's different.

As I was working this morning, focused on my task (ahem), something dawned on me, and I couldn't stop the tears.

I think part of my unease is not unease at all, it's naivety. I don't know what it feels like to have someone to protect me, to take care of me, to provide for me, to help me make the right choices, to guide me, to give me security, etc..

These things have been on his table all along, waiting for me to reach out and take them. I just didn't want to see.

At one point, a long time ago, I looked for what he wants to give me now, in those around me. Maybe it was there, maybe it wasn't, it doesn't really matter now. The point is, I want it, but it feels...odd. Like I'm stepping into new skin.

I'm going to accept that I don't think it's okay that I like calling him Daddy.

I'm going to enjoy calling him Daddy--he likes it, I like it, and that's what matters, right?

I'm going to squeeze my eyes shut, reach out and take what he has offered all along, and hope -with all the strength I have- that he will never take it away.


Saturday, September 6, 2014

Watch Out, I Might Kick You

I'm going to attempt to write this on my phone; sure don't know why Google and their billions can't spend a little money on blogger and the app...

I'm pissy.

It's just...I don't know...I'm mad about everything that pops into my messed up little head.

I'm mad that I've been lazy and didn't do the dishes...he ended up doing them.

I mad because I pick up toys, only to find new ones have taken their place.

Mad that he told me to put in the glass plug -that feels like Mt. Everest- last night. Oh but, it wasn't just because he told me to put it in that has me mad...when I had the thing more than half way in, he comes in the room, "What are you doing?" As if it wasn't obvious! I explained that I was trying to get the damn thing in my ass, at which point he tells me he was joking, I could have just put in the black one. Never mind that he took it out and fucked my ass before he crammed the damn thing all the way in, and then fucked my pussy (which was totally hot, btw), but I'm still mad about the "just kidding" part!

I'm mad at the wind blowing my hair, and the commercials on TV, and...that I keep forgetting things he has asked me to do, and he doesn't seem to care.

I'm mad that I have to figure out how to actually talk to him about how I feel--apparently, the blog isn't the place to do it, or even start a conversation. Seriously, this is going to take years to figure out...

Not to mention my past that keeps fucking with my present...fucking asshole dad.

So, yeah, just a little pissy today...

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Further Thoughts

Back to the post before last (see here), I think what worried me was that I was/am going to lose myself, or get so caught up in D/s that I forget about everything else. One, it is ridiculous to think he would ever let me forget about everything else. Two, after reading the comments on said post, I have concluded that obsession is just part of the deal and I just need to get used to it. Three, this obsession is not a bad thing--I'm a better, happier person because of D/s, and anything that can do that, can't be bad.

And my last post (see here), sigh. I know I shouldn't mix the two -my dad, and Master-, but that's easier said then done. Logically, I know Daddy is just a name, but in my head it's more than that. It's a lot of illogical things that have nothing to do with the name or Master. However, I can't deny that when the name is applied to Master, it leaves me with a sense of security. One of the many things I can't help but wonder is, if I feel more secure because I lacked that security when I was a child...and, if that's so, I think that is really messed up.

I've read a few things on Daddy Dom's, and the name fits Master.

I don't know, the whole thing has got me really confused and I'm just not ready to explore my feelings, any more than I have done here. Maybe once it isn't so new...

And unless he tells me to do otherwise, Master will be used on the blog until...some point in time.

Also, it's very important that everyone knows that I'm only applying this to myself. I don't think others are messed up if they like/use the name Daddy. Truly, I have absolutely no judgement to pass there.

Monday, September 1, 2014

I Shouldn't, but I Do

I've known that he has wanted something for some time now (like a few months into us starting D/s). He never really came out and said, "I want this," but I knew. And since that realization, it's been there, hanging over my head. So unfair--because, you know, things like that start messing with your head (you start thinking about actually doing it, when you don't want to think about doing it).

Oh man, this is really hard to talk about.

This thing happened and it didn't have a negative affect...like I think it should have...if my head wasn't so messed up...

Anyway, a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, maybe not) I asked him if he would like it, because I needed to know he really wanted it before I started working myself up to actually doing it. He told me that he thought he would like it, but he didn't want it to have a bad affect on me.

Nothing else was said about it, until last night...

Maybe it's so difficult because some part of me wants it, and it isn't just because he wants it...and that's so messed up.

Sigh.

I have some serious dad problems, actually my dad problems are at the root of all my problems...

But, Daddy is just a name right?!

My dad was never a daddy, he really wasn't even a dad. He was more like the male human that contributed the sperm that was used in my making, so it really shouldn't be such a big deal to call Master, Daddy...but, it is.

I mean, "Daddy," came out easy enough when he told me that's what he wanted and that's what I was going to do, but now that I'm thinking about it...and thinking about how it made me feel...how it didn't feel wrong...how it maybe, kinda, possibly felt right...on top of what we were doing in that moment...

I can't stop myself from thinking how messed up that is!

There's no real way for all of you to know just how messed up it is without explaining more about who my dad is and what he has done, but I just won't go there...I worry about making people uncomfortable.

But knowing that he wants me to call him Daddy...

I'm trying to be honest with myself here, and it's not easy.

I don't want him to change his mind...

I want him to keep telling me that he wants me to call him Daddy, because that's what I need...

I need to be pushed to do this.

I want it. I do. But I'm fighting that feeling because a huge part of me thinks I shouldn't want it.