As I was working this morning, focused on my task (ahem), something dawned on me, and I couldn't stop the tears.
I think part of my unease is not unease at all, it's naivety. I don't know what it feels like to have someone to protect me, to take care of me, to provide for me, to help me make the right choices, to guide me, to give me security, etc..
These things have been on his table all along, waiting for me to reach out and take them. I just didn't want to see.
At one point, a long time ago, I looked for what he wants to give me now, in those around me. Maybe it was there, maybe it wasn't, it doesn't really matter now. The point is, I want it, but it feels...odd. Like I'm stepping into new skin.
I'm going to accept that I don't think it's okay that I like calling him Daddy.
I'm going to enjoy calling him Daddy--he likes it, I like it, and that's what matters, right?
I'm going to squeeze my eyes shut, reach out and take what he has offered all along, and hope -with all the strength I have- that he will never take it away.