Sunday, September 14, 2014

And We Continue on Our Way

When Daddy told me he didn't know if he wanted D/s anymore, it was only out if concern for me. 

See, I shut off a good portion of my emotions a long time ago. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my problems. D/s turned them back on and learning how to feel again...hasn't been easy. Calling him Daddy left me feeling extra vulnerable, which turned into other feelings. I was...honestly, I don't know what I was. 

At first, my thoughts were scattered. I would grab onto a thought and, before I knew it, the darn thing would slip through my fingers. Then, I got angry at the world. Thankfully, that didn't last too long and I moved on to accepting that I like calling him Daddy. 

That acceptance did something to me. It changed me. It made me uncomfortable, vulnerable, and insecure.

I started questioning everything--if he knew what he was doing, if I knew what I was doing, if this, if that...

I was a mess.

I tried to be where he wasn't and talked to him as little as possible (the second day of this, the first time we exchanged words was after two in the afternoon, and he had been home all day)...I know he doesn't like to see me cry and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean...I was just trying to figure it out, ya know?

Maybe if I had just asked for reassurance? Or a hug? Or...something?

Anyway, I've gotten this way before, and he questioned if I was really happy, if this really was the best thing for me...so it wasn't just this time, this was just the last straw. 

Sometimes we just need to take a step back and remove our emotions to see what is real. I see now that I've gone wrong in many ways, and not just with this. 

My expectations have gotten away with me, again. Sigh.

What?! This isn't easy, okay!

No one is a fault here though. This was just something that had to happen in order for us to move forward, and moving forward we are. Thank goodness!
______________________________

Thank you all for your hugs and comments on my last post -I will respond to them as soon as I can-, they were all comforting to me. I have had very little time to read all of your post (why do I feel so bad about that?!), but I hope to catch up at some point! 

15 comments:

  1. ah, expectations...They'll trip a person up!

    Glad to see that things are working out well.

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  2. NOTHING to feel bad about, ever! This blog is for you. We are an extension of that.

    McKitten said it so well to me once. She said that I go hiding in my cave and that when I finally feel safe to peak out, trust that he will be there. For me, this is so true. Becoming all that we have become through D/s (or whatever you want to call it) is amazing. But, it does leave us so wide open that it can be difficult to NOT want to hide at times.

    So thankful that you were able to peak out from your cave! And, that he was waiting!!
    XOXO Pearl

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    Replies
    1. Pearl, it is so hard learning to open up and stay open!

      PS I still feel bad, but thank you :)

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  3. So glad you are moving forward Misty :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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  4. ((((Hugs))))) life is hard. relationships are hard. This is hard - yes, they're all hard - sometimes! Really well done for hanging in there, I think you're right about having to through in order to move on and progress - like having to go through the big scary forest in a fairy tale to get to the magic castle on the other side xx

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    1. Exactly, mc kitten! Going through these trials help us grow so much--though it sure would be nice to get to the castle going down a nice sunny road covered by a rainbow. :)

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  5. oh ps, never feel bad about not getting to comments, that's the nice thing about blogs and comments - they don't run away, they'll be here when you're ready! xx

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    Replies
    1. so true! I will try to remember that.

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  6. Replies
    1. Thanks, Brooke. I was happy to read your last post, as well!

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  7. Misty,

    Emotions are useful. Removing them, or even stepping back from them seems contradictory to solving communication issues...especially after you worked so hard to turn them back on. How else do you know what is real, other than to feel?
    How does this feel? How does this make you feel? Better or worse? simple questions like those and being willing to examine the answers, can be seriously helpful; especially when we are in that vulnerable place.
    There is no need to rush anything, it's perfectly fine to speed ahead some days and others to feel as if you are at the beginning.
    I'm happy to read you are on the way to figuring it out *hugs of blue*

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    Replies
    1. Bleuame, you've got me thinking. Maybe my problem is that I focus too much on thoughts, when I should be focusing on feelings...do you think? Maybe I need to step back from my thoughts, in order to see my emotions? Does that even make sense?

      I don't know, sometimes it helps looking at the situation with no feelings attached...aldjfao;siufjngvoiaehrfoawfh...I'm so confused...lol.

      I will have to think on this some more...

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    2. Misty,

      In general, I think the importance of emotions is so downplayed...and to be able to use them effectively, is a skill. But in my experience, I have a tough time applying logic to an emotionally charged situation, because logic will only take me so far--but then, I'm way more emotionally sensitive than most people.

      It just sounds like you've worked so hard to tap into your emotions and maybe wanting to turn them off, is a little bit of a defense? Sometimes, putting all the feelings right out on the table is helpful--can be painful in the moment, but better in the long run.
      Yes, it makes sense that you are thinking, thinking, thinking :)

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