When Daddy told me he didn't know if he wanted D/s anymore, it was only out if concern for me.
See, I shut off a good portion of my emotions a long time ago. It was the only way I knew how to deal with my problems. D/s turned them back on and learning how to feel again...hasn't been easy. Calling him Daddy left me feeling extra vulnerable, which turned into other feelings. I was...honestly, I don't know what I was.
At first, my thoughts were scattered. I would grab onto a thought and, before I knew it, the darn thing would slip through my fingers. Then, I got angry at the world. Thankfully, that didn't last too long and I moved on to accepting that I like calling him Daddy.
That acceptance did something to me. It changed me. It made me uncomfortable, vulnerable, and insecure.
I started questioning everything--if he knew what he was doing, if I knew what I was doing, if this, if that...
I was a mess.
I was a mess.
I tried to be where he wasn't and talked to him as little as possible (the second day of this, the first time we exchanged words was after two in the afternoon, and he had been home all day)...I know he doesn't like to see me cry and I didn't want to say something I didn't mean...I was just trying to figure it out, ya know?
Maybe if I had just asked for reassurance? Or a hug? Or...something?
Anyway, I've gotten this way before, and he questioned if I was really happy, if this really was the best thing for me...so it wasn't just this time, this was just the last straw.
Sometimes we just need to take a step back and remove our emotions to see what is real. I see now that I've gone wrong in many ways, and not just with this.
My expectations have gotten away with me, again. Sigh.
What?! This isn't easy, okay!
No one is a fault here though. This was just something that had to happen in order for us to move forward, and moving forward we are. Thank goodness!
Thank you all for your hugs and comments on my last post -I will respond to them as soon as I can-, they were all comforting to me. I have had very little time to read all of your post (why do I feel so bad about that?!), but I hope to catch up at some point!