Monday, September 22, 2014

I Gave Up on...Something

He asked me if I was done pouting, and I told him I was done with all of it. That we should just add this (D/s) to the list of things I can't do and move on. 

So, I'm done (not really...but kind of).

He tells me there are things that will not change despite my "being done" (especially now that he knows I like sex (sigh. Lol)). It's relieving to know that he thinks there is no going back...'cause there is no going back.

I felt relieved when I told him I was done, and I've been thinking a lot about that--wondering why I would feel like a ton bricks was lifted off my shoulders when I gave up on something that has filled me up and made me whole.

I don't think I gave up on the whole endeavor (which was my intention), but I gave up on...something. Maybe I gave up on my expectations, yet maybe it was more than that...

I think I was putting an importance on things that weren't really that important.

My rules (that I was beginning to resent because he didn't seem to care about them) have turned into something else. They are ways to make him happy, not ways to make me happy (ummm, duh). 

Maybe I let go of some control that was no longer mine...

You know, maybe I gave up on trying to change. Maybe I have been trying way too hard to change who we are. 

Well, now I'm more confused than I was when I started this post...

What I do know is that I feel much more at ease and...yeah, that's all I got. Lol.

20 comments:

  1. Maybe...you found acceptance in the things you can't control. Could that be a sign of your submission deepening, rather than ending? Just a thought...

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    1. little girl, I think you're right, I've found acceptance that it has to be his way...which is kinda weird because I thought I did that a long time ago. Lol.

      And it's pretty clear that my submission is still alive and well :D

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  2. In a very weird way...i get it...i could have written this post, a week ago. D/s has now stepped up...go figure.
    I don't get how that happened...but i do know i need it..
    hugs abby

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    1. I think what happens is that when they see we have truly let go, it opens the door for them to be Dominant in their way. To me, the "letting go" was the hardest part but the biggest step in moving forward. Its not necessarily the end, but a beginning! We just have to be willing to step back and let them decide what D/s looks like to them.

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    2. abby, it really is the strangest thing!

      little girl, I think you're right again. I really think my "giving up" has opened a door for him...which is very exciting!

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  3. I so understand. I've been at the brink of just saying "I'm done". I just don't know what I'm done with.

    I am glad you are feeling better now that you've said it. I do believe it's only going to get better from here.

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    1. Hs, I thought I knew what I was done with, but apparently I had it all wrong. Lol.

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  4. sounds like a turning point to me... like you've given up on an idealised 'this is how we should be doing this D/s thing' and are accepting how it works for you guys, how HE wants to do it?

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    1. mc kitten, you must be right, but I thought I had already done that though! :)

      sub hub, thanks for commenting.

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    2. thank you sub hub :)

      Misty - me too, it seems to go in waves. I think i've 'got' it only then to realise, nope, I've slipped back into the 'oh, you should be swinging from the chandelier and cropping me 27 times cos it's Thursday, someone on FetLife said so' frame of mind, argh!

      Then its back to the drawing board, to give myself a severe reminder that if I've told him that it's his way (and I have) then I have to accept that he's going to do it, well, HIS way!

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    3. mc kitten, lol, yes! That's how I get too, sigh. Sure would be nice if it would just sink in and stay there!! :)

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  5. I was going to write exactly what Mc Kitten wrote, so that. And (((hugs)))

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    1. Beth (or should I call you awkward frog?), seems like everyone is in agreement, but I really did think I was past that already! So strange how these things work out.

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  6. I was going to say the same thing too! Glad you are feeling much more at ease.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Roz, it feels wonderful, and I hope the feeling sticks around! :)

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  7. Your readers here are so on the right track. When you hit a point that you stop taking control of how to make the D/s work, you just allow the D/s sides to work!

    We start this lifestyle with such an exact idea on how a terrific D/s relationship should go. It is modeled in what we read through stories and each others blogs. The good and the fun times are what we blog most. The other 80% of our lives are kept out- giving the impression that we are perfectly submissive. And, on the off chance we are not perfectly submissive our partners are perfectly Dominant and deliver the most perfect mix of what we need and what they want and all ends perfect and happy and better than ever. With a LOT of perfect sex, of course!

    We all know that although we experience terrific moments in, and because of, our lifestyles we really are only blogging a chosen portion of what really occurs in our lives. That being said, as we navigate what this lifestyle means to each of us, we need to allow ourselves time to adjust and make mistakes. We are NOT perfect, we are human.

    Keep blogging the ups and downs Misty, it is so valuable to growing into who you want to become!
    Love to you my friend!
    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Pearl, I don't think I could agree with you more. I knew these things before, but maybe they are just now sinking in? I don't know, I'm confused, lol.

      I didn't realize how much pressure I had put on myself and him...

      Thank you so much for the comment.

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  8. im behind in catching up....again lol

    What everyone else has said, is spot on.

    I wander sometimes if we place high expectations on ourselves, and on our relationships, i have moments, as i have had very recently where i doubt myself, can i do this, is this really for me etc......

    but its these moments, that do occur every so often, i think are what makes us stronger, the relationship stronger, because it forces us to look deep into ourselves, and generally come out all the more better for it.

    x

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    1. tori, I feel like I'm always behind these days...if only he would give me all the time I wanted to blog! lol

      That's exactly how I felt. He mentioned a few (simple) things I hadn't been doing (and here I am (always) wanting more), that combined with all the Daddy stuff just had me feeling like I couldn't do this. Complete failure, that's me. And, of course, he wasn't doing it right either (if he would just see things my way!). lol

      Anyway, I do feel a bit more capable now and something has changed with us as well! So it was all worth the struggle. I'm starting to understand how to enjoy the journey a little more.

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