Monday, September 1, 2014

I Shouldn't, but I Do

I've known that he has wanted something for some time now (like a few months into us starting D/s). He never really came out and said, "I want this," but I knew. And since that realization, it's been there, hanging over my head. So unfair--because, you know, things like that start messing with your head (you start thinking about actually doing it, when you don't want to think about doing it).

Oh man, this is really hard to talk about.

This thing happened and it didn't have a negative affect...like I think it should have...if my head wasn't so messed up...

Anyway, a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, maybe not) I asked him if he would like it, because I needed to know he really wanted it before I started working myself up to actually doing it. He told me that he thought he would like it, but he didn't want it to have a bad affect on me.

Nothing else was said about it, until last night...

Maybe it's so difficult because some part of me wants it, and it isn't just because he wants it...and that's so messed up.

Sigh.

I have some serious dad problems, actually my dad problems are at the root of all my problems...

But, Daddy is just a name right?!

My dad was never a daddy, he really wasn't even a dad. He was more like the male human that contributed the sperm that was used in my making, so it really shouldn't be such a big deal to call Master, Daddy...but, it is.

I mean, "Daddy," came out easy enough when he told me that's what he wanted and that's what I was going to do, but now that I'm thinking about it...and thinking about how it made me feel...how it didn't feel wrong...how it maybe, kinda, possibly felt right...on top of what we were doing in that moment...

I can't stop myself from thinking how messed up that is!

There's no real way for all of you to know just how messed up it is without explaining more about who my dad is and what he has done, but I just won't go there...I worry about making people uncomfortable.

But knowing that he wants me to call him Daddy...

I'm trying to be honest with myself here, and it's not easy.

I don't want him to change his mind...

I want him to keep telling me that he wants me to call him Daddy, because that's what I need...

I need to be pushed to do this.

I want it. I do. But I'm fighting that feeling because a huge part of me thinks I shouldn't want it.

12 comments:

  1. Obviously, you can probably tell from my posts that we have shifted from Master to Daddy. I had the exact same issues with it that you do and it was really weird at first. Felt wrong. But I have actually gotten quite comfortable with it and I think it's representative of where we are right now. He takes care of me:)

    But when he is being particularly harsh, I can't help for "Sir" to pop out because when he's in that mode, Daddy doesn't seem right. Uggg....so confusing.

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    1. little girl, I do remember the post you wrote about the name change--it resonated with me. I also feel like Daddy fits Master, but...

      It makes sense to me that you would call him Sir during those times. With Master, it's almost like he is a different person when he is upset with me.

      Delete
  2. Hugs*
    Some of this shit is hard, isn't it?

    You know that I'm only an email away if you ever need an ear.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not easy at all when you have a load of old shit in your head to deal with.

    Don't ever feel bad for what feels good between the two of you. You are consenting, married adults choosing to love each other. Don't ever forget that. The other old shit is just that....old shit. Try not to give it more of your life than it has already taken.

    *hug* to you my friend.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Pearl!

      You're absolutely right, it's old shit, and boy have I tried to keep it from taking more of my life, but alas here we are...

      Delete
  4. Think of it this way. Remember our talks about my eating issues, and ultimately what is it that my Master wants me to gain from it (besides weight)? You figured it out first. Well, before I went to my Master with needing help and He pointed it out. He wants me to associate food in a different way. That is what your Master is doing here. He wants you to associate Daddy in a different way too.

    What does a Daddy Dom mean to Him? What does it mean to you?

    Check out willing slut & Naughty's Imp's blog's. (Can go to them from my profile page). Recently, they both wrote about what a Daddy Dom is to them. It may help you.

    Btw, I think the best mind fuck is Them planting that seed. It just grows in our minds until we give in.

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    Replies
    1. Hs, I know he means well, and I'm so thankful he is doing this. Whether it is for him or me, it doesn't really matter. However, it would be awesome if this helped me!

      It's crazy how they just have to mention it, if even in passing! So unfair :)

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  5. Hugs...you already have good advice here...i have none for you. Just Hugs.....i do love that He will not push you.....but we all know what planting that seed does.
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. abby, your support is more than enough!

      I do think he put a lot of thought into this before asking me, which helps too.

      Delete
  6. ((Hugs)) Misty, I see you have some great advice already.

    I don't think it's messed up at all ... especially if it 'feels' right to both of you. I have been calling Rick Daddy for some time. It definitely took a bit of getting used to, but now I'm comfortable with it. In fact, although a lot of aspects of our dynamic are kind of on hiatus right now, it's one thing that has stayed with us.

    I think many of us in the beginning struggle in similar ways. It can be hard to separate it from our dad, but the two come from a different place and context I think.

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    Replies
    1. Roz, that's exactly what I need to do, separate the two. And it does feel right, but that feels wrong, lol. Ahhhh! I could really end up driving myself crazy here.

      Once I get past the whole dad part, I think I will be able to get used to it :)

      Thank you.

      Delete

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