Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It isn't Easy

I started blogging because of an urge to write, which is weird because I used to avoid writing--writing meant I had to look within myself, and it was that I avoided at all costs.

Blogging has turned out to be more than sharing my journey, it has turned into a self-revelation, and it hasn't been easy.

As a child I learned that I shouldn't share what my life entailed, and as I grew I learned that I shouldn't share my thoughts either. I became good at being someone that I thought I should be, someone like everyone else. I did what I could to push the real me to the smallest corner of my mind.

Writing has brought the real me to these pages, and it hasn't been easy.

I'm still not sure of who I am. Somehow the real me and the me that I created, have gotten mixed up. I'm closer to untangling the two, but I panic sometimes. Blogging has made me panic, at times, because I'm not used to sharing myself. Now, I realize that I don't have to blog -I could write in a journal-, but there's something I get from being here that I don't get from writing in a journal, so I continue on.

I have worried about what people think of me here, but recently I've begun to think it's more about me worrying that I'm not okay in the head. Does that make sense? This isn't easy to explain.

I worry that I'm too different, that I'm beyond...help.

When I was eleven, my mom took me to a psychologist (or someone of the like, I can't remember her title). It was a non-profit business. She asked me a lot of questions, and I mostly lied about them--I'm sure she knew that. Then my dad was mentioned, I broke down and started crying. I don't remember what she asked or what was said about him, I just remember crying and trying my hardest to keep it in. Not many people talked to me about my dad. Later, I asked my mom if I had to go back, she told me that they wouldn't see me again, that they couldn't help me. I remember those exact words, "They can't help you." Maybe it was because it was a non-profit and they didn't have the space for someone that wasn't going to be honest, maybe it was because they knew I didn't want to be helped (you can't help someone that doesn't want it), it could have been a lot of things, but hearing my mom say that, confirmed what I already thought--I couldn't be helped, I was beyond it.

Anyway, it's times like that, that taught me to hide who I am. So it's not so much that I care about what you think, but what I think about myself. And seeing myself on these pages...I don't know...some of it I like, and some of it I don't.

It's good for me to be here, but it isn't easy.

12 comments:

  1. I started blogging because Master insisted....i figured it would just be an historical account of our journey. I could not have been more wrong....it has thought me a lot about myself...not all of which i like....and has helped me in many ways...such as becoming more open.
    You last line...it is good for you to be here...then you should stay...besides i would miss you. Not easy....most things that are good for us are not always easy.
    Hugs....abby

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    1. abby, I'm not going anywhere. I do think about leaving from time to time, but I know it's just an overreaction. I would miss you too, and everyone!

      I need to stop over-thinking things like this, and just be me. I think talking about it will help me push through, and release parts of it.

      Delete
  2. Like abby i started blogging because i wasnt given a choice, he set it up and told me it would do me good...i was not happy lol

    But...its a place i can get my thoughts down, and sometimes writing out how one feels etc is helpful, or at least i find it is.

    Self reflection can be difficult, perhaps makes us delve into ourselves, discover things we would rather not, but yet also reveal things that we can embrace.

    Plus its great to have that interaction with others, get and give different perspectives, to see that we are not alone in how we might think or feel

    x

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    1. tori, I was always afraid of what I would find out if I kept a journal, I didn't really stop to think that blogging might do the same, which is probably a good thing. Lol. But, I see that even though it isn't always easy, it helps me to let let things go, blogging and a journal.

      I'm not sure I could have gotten this far into D/s without some interaction.

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  3. Misty,
    You ARE good. You ARE loved. You are NOT beyond help or any of the bullshit those around you when you were younger tried to pass you off on.

    Discovering who you are is difficult, even when you find that you are okay with what you are finding. Go easy on yourself. Allow yourself time to jump for joy and not care who is looking- just as you should allow yourself time alone to journal privately when you need to.

    Each of us comes to blogging in our own way and our own pace. What amazes me is when I do let something out of a deep little corner of my mind and wait for someone to pounce on my insecurity or shortcoming, it doesn't happen. I have felt a steady stream of support in blogland. I am sure the day will come that I will be heckled or told that I am in fact odd, but right now, I KNOW those in blogland who will stand right up for me and I want you to know that I would do that for YOU.

    You are not "too different" my friend. You are just the right mount of different. You are an amazingly soulful writer who is finding her way, just like the others of us!

    "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be." -Maya Angelou

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    1. Pearl, thank you, seriously.

      The situation with the psychologist, I don't think it was meant to be how I took it, but what's an eleven year old to think? My mom probably should have worded it differently, she should have done a lot of things differently, but I digress...

      I don't think I'm to the point I can jump for joy without caring about who is looking, but I'm getting closer! :) I actually did start a journal a few months back, it's still difficult, but I'm doing it.

      Gosh, you're so right, I've had nothing but support and it would do me good to remember that.

      I will keep repeating that quote, maybe it will sink in :)

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  4. Amen Pearl.....love that quote too!!!
    hugs abby

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  5. Hi Misty, such wonderful comments above, and Pearl said it all :) self reflection and being true to oneself isn't easy, but it is a good thing, and this community mis a wonderfully supportive place. I started blogging as a way of having a journal and also a place to get my thoughts and feelings out and process. I have found it so beneficial in many ways.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I never imagined...just thought I would share things here and there, maybe get a few followers, but here I am, with all of you! It's been very good for me :)

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  6. Oh Misty, reading this post brings tears to my eyes. I get that 'pushing the real you to the corner' thing and even had a moment in childhood that started it all too. And blogging is soo hard - I do it because Phillip thinks it's good for me to be 'brave' and put the 'real me' out there, but every time I hit publish I just get sooo sick inside. I can't even go back and read what I wrote and a lot of times I have to go into my little shell and hide until I feel brave enough to come back out again (which often requires a push from Phillip). Even though everyone is amazing and supportive here, I still get a little voice in my head telling me that's 'something's very wrong with me'. I think often times we can be our own worst critics.

    Your blog is one of my favorites because I love how real and brave you are on your blog. Several times, I've had to read one of your posts to Phillip so I could point out and show him..."hey, that's how I feel..." It's so nice to be able to relate to someone out there and feel a little less alone in my 'crazy head'. Thank you so much for having the courage to share like you do. You certainly do inspire me to try to be more brave about being myself.

    hugs,
    aurora

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    1. aurora, I want to hug you!

      I know that sick feeling, hate it, but you have absolutely no reason for it, neither do I. We just have to get out of our heads! I think each time I push through it gets a little easier. I think this is a good place to risk being ourselves...

      So, I'm totally blown away by your last paragraph...I don't even know what to say... I just want to hug you! Thank you for being here! I'm all choked up...

      I think it's great that Phillip pushes you to blog, you really do write wonderfully! I would love to see you more often. I'm not just saying that. It is nice knowing someone else out there stresses about these things!

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  7. Hi, Misty,

    What a poignant post - i really respect what you're doing here, sharing your thoughts and feelings and your journey towards being more of who you are.

    i'm sorry you had that crappy experience after seeing the therapist - i wish that had worked out differently. Other people have already pointed out that what your mother said wasn't true, and it's not particulalry helpful for me to say it makes me angry that the psychologist didn't talk to you herself in a way that could have made you feel different.

    But I"m glad that you've found the blogging community and hope that the support and affection that other people have for you helps you find your way to acceptance of your own strength and beauty.

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