Friday, November 28, 2014

From Fighting it, to Wanting it, and Back Again

In lieu of my most recent meltdown (and an email he probably didn't like too much) Daddy started something new a little over five days ago. 

It's really uncomfortable. It's far from easy. When it is time, I have a great urge to run away. Far, far away. 

Daddy is...he is making me...deep breath...

He is making me... talk.

About my feelings.



Not only is he making me talk, but he has me do it on my knees, in nothing but a shirt, panties, and a plug.

Okay, I kinda like that part.

My head will be in his lap, he will play with my hair or rub my shoulders for a moment, which is relaxing. Then it starts with, "How was your day?" Which is the point when the tension in my chest builds and my legs start twitching at the ready. My answers to his questions are short, offering no more than necessary. I just want it to be over with. I would much rather write...

Not soon enough, it's over and we move on to other uncomfortable things, which moves the tension in my chest lower and the twitching in my legs higher...

Being on display kinda does that to me...

So, when it's all said and done, talking doesn't seem so terrible, however, when the next day comes to an end the whole venture starts over. Sigh.

I see the good in it and I don't want him to stop, yet it makes me crawl in my skin...

You know, until I'm back to being used like a whore, then it's all fine and dandy.

Monday, November 17, 2014


My thoughts are starting to get away from me, once again. They are going places that aren't real and have left me feeling vulnerable, insecure, and stressed. I've been through this enough times now to know I'm being irrational.

It's not just D/s stuff, it's everything.

My head feels out of control, like it's all just too much, yet not enough, and alnfvnaerlfnouxhvdflbnaohwn... ya' know what I mean?

All day I've been trying to wrap these thoughts up and push them to the side, and I've just started to wonder if this is something I should tell him. I don't even know if he would want to know. I don't want him to worry or anything--there isn't reason for worry, it's all in my head and will pass. And, really, what could he do about it anyway.

Unfortunately, this is one of those times that I could blow up. Sigh. You know, one of those times that if he happened to question why I didn't do something, I might (not so kindly) try to turn it around on him. Or if he happened to point out something I did wrong, I might tell him that he could always do it himself...

Which is why I'm writing, even though I still feel like I should be able to handle these things without his help. I just really don't want to be a person that blows up like that.

I think it's hard on me because I don't know how to handle vulnerable and insecure.

Yeah, I really don't like those feelings.

Friday, November 14, 2014

In the Absence of...

Daddy has started this new thing. Actually, I'm not exactly sure it's a "thing" (a thing that will continue on and stick around), but it's definitely something--the ache between my legs gives me indication of that.

I would have paid more attention if I'd have known, but seeing as how he has always liked me cumming, I haven't kept track...

I think I've only came once, maybe twice, since the duct tape night. 

Oh, make no mistake though, he is still having his fun. 

I sheepishly mentioned that I noticed the absence. His reply?

"You don't need it, and I've been tired." 

Interesting how he isn't too tired to pinch, spank harder than he ever has before, shove his cock down my throat, and such things...

Of course, I've been contemplating -how I feel, how my body feels, how I feel about how my body feels, and even my actions and attitude- and I've decided that I like it.

The ache reminds me of Daddy, and that I'm his. It reminds me that I can do better, that I should try harder, that I want to try harder. 

I want him to tie me up and do unspeakable things to me. I want duct tape again. Maybe even get out the hook. And clamps. And something around my neck. I definitely want him to fuck me, hard... see what my mind is doing! So unfair :)

I want him to do those unspeakable things and forbid me to cum while he is doing them, but...oh how I ache! 

Not that I could withstand any of that without accidentally cumming, but I'd like to try.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lovin' My Lurkers

I see that it is Love Our Lurkers Day. Last year I was here, but did not participate because I had only been blogging for a couple months and I wasn't brave enough, however, I'm here today!


I love you. I'm not sure I would be here right now if it wasn't for you. When insecurities get the best of me, I look at my increasing views and I realize I'm saying something worth reading. Now, I'm not exactly sure why all of you find my words worth reading but, I do appreciate it, greatly.

Now for the fun part, the part where you comment :). Okay, so you don't have to comment, but you should, 'cause I'd love you to be more than a number. Don't make me beg, I'm horrible at it.

Again, thank you for reading.



Sunday, November 9, 2014

Why Do I Like Things that I Don't Like?

That is the question currently floating around in my head. 

'Cause why do I like things I don't like?

I'm not talking about the things that I really like, but don't want to admit to liking, or the things I don't like at all. No, I'm talking of things that I don't like, but turn me into a pliable whore.

Take him rubbing my juices all over my face, for example. I can't really say I like that, it feels gross, and it makes me want to wash my face. But, damned if I don't like it. 

I'm inclined to say that it is his dominance that makes me like it, but maybe it's also because I like feeling used?

Or maybe I like it because I like to be pleasing?

Or maybe I'm a just whore?

All of the above?

Maybe someone out there might share their thoughts...

If you are the "s" in D/s, why do you like things you don't? Do you even have things you don't like, yet like? 

If you are the "D", why do you think your "s" likes things they don't like?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Figuring it Out, and a Little More

Things have been good, other things have only been okay, which is life.

I've been focusing on what is happening in this house, rather than back home; not that things are oh-so-terrible back home, it's just, you know, every time I think of home I think of my Grandma. Focusing on the here and now has helped, I think.

Anyway, Daddy and I are good, great even. I have moments of wanting more control and guidance (don't we all?), but it has become easier to accept things for the way they are, and I push through with little angst. I feel like Daddy is getting better at understanding how I think--not an easy task, let me tell you. I think we are just figuring it out, ya' know?

And, let's see, what else...

Oh yes, there was that night... He tied my hands behind my back and led me down the stairs. I knelt on the couch so my front was to the back of the couch. He put a leash around my neck (pulled the end through the handle and put the loop over my head (sure would love a collar...just sayin')) and attached the end to a board under the couch (the board wouldn't move because he put a heavy weight on top of it). So there I was, hands behind my back and my head only able to move slightly...he hit me a little, had my face, and then my ass. I remember asking him to fuck me and, wish I could remember his exact words but, it was a don't-bother-asking-again, "No." Towards the end he had his hand wrapped in my hair, holding my head so my cheek was pressed into the couch. The leash was digging into my jaw and the back of my neck, and the way that I was bent wasn't at all comfortable, but, thankfully, he wasn't too concerned with my comfort... The whole thing makes me squirm in my seat just thinking about it. It was amazingly fantastic.

And there was that other night, a couple nights ago... I was in bed this time, wrists cuffed to the bed and face up. He had me cum a few times, then left the dildo in me while he had my ass, but not before he put duct tape over my mouth...