Monday, December 29, 2014

Overflowing

Life is good, and very full. Sure, there are things that could be better, but it's okay that they're not.

I look at our kids and my heart fills with happiness. I love how they are growing. I love who they are. I'm excited to see where they go in life.

I don't know what it is about Daddy, but something is different. Or maybe he is exactly the same, and I'm seeing him differently? I don't know, but I feel very pliable at the moment. I just want to be...His. I want to be engulfed with Him. I want to follow him around, on my hands and knees. I really, really, really don't want to do something wrong--it stings more (if you can believe that) when I don't get it right.  

I feel like the different pieces of me are all lined up and working together like they should. I'm a mom, a wife, and a whore, all at the same time. It's wonderful!

I feel loved...and it hurts, in a good, yet scary kind of way.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Daddy and Gifts

Daddy is very practical and, being as such, it is difficult to find him a present.. One year, for Christmas or his birthday (can't remember which), I bought him a new stereo for his work vehicle. It had a CD player and built in satellite radio--you know, for those areas (in the middle of nowhere) where he can't get sports radio. He ended up returning it because he has a radio that works perfectly fine and doesn't mind silence in those dead areas. Sigh. Don't know what I was thinking... :)

However, our first Christmas together, thirteen years ago, was one of the few times I got it right. It was close to Christmas and my mom wanted to give Daddy his gift, so I decided to go ahead and give him mine as well. It was a new fishing rod and reel--a nice one, he loved it, still has it. *grins* It gets better. He was going to wait until Christmas to give me mine ('cause he is one of those that can wait), but after I gave him is gift he tells me to hold on and runs out side. He comes back in and, low and behold, he had a fishing pole! For me! Lol. So crazy!! We are so meant for each other.

Anyway, this year I could only think of one thing I could get him, that wasn't socks, but still practical. I didn't want him to know I bought him anything at all (because he told me not to buy him anything), so I went out with the kids, bought the item, and put it in the trunk of my car, thinking I could bring it in the next day while he was at work. Totally thought I had this in the bag and was feeling pretty darn awesome!

Turns out he wanted to run to the grocery store to pick up some stuff and he was taking the car. Of course he would put his bought items in the trunk, 'cause that's what we do. I started to freak out a bit, however, while he was in the bedroom I scurried outside, grabbed the gift, ran back in and stuffed it inside the closet by the front door that holds all our coats (it's winter, btw). Seriously, why can't I think these things through?! I was trying keep my breathing normal and thought I was in the clear, when he reached for the closet...

Dum, dum, dummm.

I ran over, grabbed the door knob just before he was able to, and asked him what he was doing. I'm smooth like that. He looked at me like I was crazy and answered, "I'm getting my coat," with an implied duh. I told him that I would get it for him and gave the excuse, "I need to clean the closet." It was the first thing that popped in my head! LOL. 

Needless to say, he knows about the gift, but at least he doesn't know what it is! 

Friday, December 19, 2014

Under Construction

He read my post no more than two hours after I posted it--that in itself was enough to shock some of the angst out of me. "I see you posted..." he said. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hug him at the same time.

I think he was a little perturbed that I hadn't told him sooner and I told him via the blog, but, you know, with all the stuff we've had going on I didn't feel we had the time for it. It's not exactly the conversation to have while wrapping presents or when little ears around. I also didn't want to be one that added more stress to his life. Apparently he didn't feel those were justified excuses, "You have to talk to me more."... "There is no excuse."

The whole thing was like a wound that was never cleaned and left to fester. I really thought it would just go away without any help. I used to be able to do that! Guess it's different now...

We talked some while the kids were on the verge of sleep and again before bed with him in the chair and I on the floor. It's scary admitting to problems, and it's even scarier admitting problems to someone that holds your world and has the power to break it...

He isn't giving up on me, not even a little, which makes me so happy that tears are forming as I type. (Really, what have I done to deserve such a great husband?!)

I might feel different tomorrow, but I think writing yesterday's post was a good thing. All of your comments...I don't even know how to explain...just...thank you all so much!  Daddy is filling up my holes, but all of you are taking part in that as well.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Broken

I'm sad. My head is a mess. It's still this, except it's grown.

We've all been sick. Some nights I feel like I'm sleeping before I get in bed. And there's the little issue of money. His truck started leaking so he had to fix that. There's many, many stresses that have gotten  in our way. As a result, we haven't done our talking thing in five or six days.

I wonder if he want this (D/s) and I still wonder if I am capable of giving him what he wants. And really, if I'm not capable of giving him what he wants then why would he want D/s from me?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get this fucking shit out of my head. There is so much hate inside me for the way I feel, for the way that I am, that if the only way to get rid of it and have it never come back, means giving up on D/s, I might take that exchange. The guilt and disgust I have for myself is just too much. So much so that I push him away. I don't want him touching me because I feel like I can't do it right. Well, there is more than that (more than I know how to explain), but I think that's the main part (that I can't do it right). I'm just broken. It fucking kills me that I'm this way.

I probably shouldn't post this, but I am anyway.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Imperfections

I wrote a post about why I feel insecure, that I didn't post (obviously) but, shared with him. It listed some specific things that got me here and, now that he has read it, I don't feel like posting it. It's just that, I don't want anyone else to hear my recent epic fails.

I very much want to be this perfect person--a perfect mom, wife, and slave (or is wife and slave one of the same?). I know perfect is impossible to reach, but maybe if I was just a little closer to perfect I would be a little more confident...

I hate when my imperfections eat away at me. 

Domino Effect, that was the title of the un-post. 'Cause that is exactly what it's like, except the first domino in my lineup is the biggest one, and falls the slowest, taking its sweet time to crash into the next. (Why is this paragraph in a different font?! It's driving me nuts.)

The thing is, I know better. I know. I really, really know better. Unfortunately, knowing and executing what I know are two totally different things. 

When he pulls out that darn paddle because I've done something wrong, everything I know disappears. Knowing that I want it, turns into thinking that I don't want it. Knowing that I should hold still, turns into knowing that I need to get away (because it really freaking hurts!). (No, this has nothing to do with that first domino, but maybe one of the medium sized ones though...sigh.)

I guess it's like that with a lot of things, huh? We can go to school, learn a trade, but it's not until you're hands-on that you become what you've learned. 

Daddy's words, "We're all learning here." I guess he is right, once again. Maybe I just need more hands-on experience.

Ha, ha...hands-on experience...I crack myself up sometimes. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

It's a Cookie (and Granola) Kind of Day

This is so exciting! Today is The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! I was totally going to tell all of you it was coming -in case you didn't already know- so you could participate if you wanted, but I failed to do so, obviously...sorry about that!

Jz is the one who puts this awesome event on the calendar, so big thanks goes out to her! Hope all of you take the time to stop by her place.

I do have one bit of advice, which I learned from my first TGOCEE last year, if you're hungry it's a good idea to go eat something, then read everyone's posts. Trust me. In fact, even if you're not hungry, it may be a good idea to have a bag of carrots or something of the like close by, just in case.

Let's get to it, shall we?

Granola. It's a wonderful thing. Eat it for a snack, as cereal, with yogurt, on top of ice cream, on top of oatmeal, give it as a gift--really, what could you not do with granola? Okay, maybe there's a lot of things you can't do with granola, but it's so easy to make!

I don't know about you but, I'm all about easy these days.


Nutty Honey Granola

2 cups  old fashioned oats
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup chopped almonds
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/3 cup olive oil
1/3 cup honey
1 tea salt
1/4 tea   cinnamon
Pinch     nutmeg
1/2 tea-1 tea vanilla (I just poor some in)
1/2 cup dried blueberries

Note: I would like you to think of this recipe as more of a guideline because there's just so many different wonderful ingredients you could use. For example, when I say to use honey, it's perfectly okay to use maple syrup instead, or you could use chocolate instead of dried blueberries (heck, you could use chocolate and blueberries for that matter). Also use any nut/seed combination that you'd like, so long as it totals 1 1/2 cups.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit

Mix together everything, except the dried blueberries, in a large bowl. Spread out on a baking sheet and place in the oven. It normally takes around 15 minutes, but this is one of those things that the nose just knows. When you have a wonderful nutty and faint cinnamon smell extruding from your oven, it's ready.

Note: I have actually let it go longer than what my nose told me to do...it turned out awful. Don't let that happen to you. 

Mix in the dried blueberries. At this point you can do one of two things: 1. let it cool as is, 2. spread it back out on the baking sheet, pat it down a bit with a spatula, and cool. I always do the latter because I like my granola clumpy and I've somehow got it in my head that that's the only way it will clump together--it might clump together the other way, *shrugs shoulders* who knows.

Store in a sealed container.

I hope you all have a great time at The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza this year! You can find past entries by clicking here, and below is a list of participants this year.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Busy Being Busy

I've been busy, like just-shoot-me-now busy. It's work and the other work I do for Daddy's business. It's being sick and tired. And kids. And the mess kids make. And Christmas is coming. And I'm sure there's more, I just can't remember.

So, here I sit while there are all these things I should be doing. I just need a flipping moment to whine to myself...while the kids are off making a bigger mess.

The house needs cleaning like something fierce. However, I have to pick up all the toys (that have been scattered throughout while I've been working away on the computer) before I can even think about cleaning. Which, you know, could take a week. Sigh.

And here I sit.

We are still talking every night, with him in the chair and I on my knees. It's really nice that he does this. I was thinking that after a few days he would give up on me, but I should have known better. He'll ask how my day was, what I have planned for tomorrow, things I've done that make him happy, things I could have done better, stuff like that--which I actually like talking about. It's when he asks how I've been feeling and what my thoughts have been like, that I start to clam up. I don't know, it just feels wrong. I know it's not wrong, it just feels that way.

Anyway, better get going. Sigh. Wish me luck sanity.