Thursday, December 18, 2014

Broken

I'm sad. My head is a mess. It's still this, except it's grown.

We've all been sick. Some nights I feel like I'm sleeping before I get in bed. And there's the little issue of money. His truck started leaking so he had to fix that. There's many, many stresses that have gotten  in our way. As a result, we haven't done our talking thing in five or six days.

I wonder if he want this (D/s) and I still wonder if I am capable of giving him what he wants. And really, if I'm not capable of giving him what he wants then why would he want D/s from me?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get this fucking shit out of my head. There is so much hate inside me for the way I feel, for the way that I am, that if the only way to get rid of it and have it never come back, means giving up on D/s, I might take that exchange. The guilt and disgust I have for myself is just too much. So much so that I push him away. I don't want him touching me because I feel like I can't do it right. Well, there is more than that (more than I know how to explain), but I think that's the main part (that I can't do it right). I'm just broken. It fucking kills me that I'm this way.

I probably shouldn't post this, but I am anyway.

24 comments:

  1. oh sweetie (((hugs)))

    you are NOT alone.

    You are SO NOT the only person to have ever felt this way, believe me!

    If I may be so bossy - take care of the physical. Eat well, drink lots of water, sleep as much as possible, take what supplements and/or meds that you need, get fresh air and gentle exercise if possible - this all helps level out the playing field of your emotions and thoughts so you have a better chance of calming them.

    Sometimes you have to take the leap and trust. Trust that he loves you, that he wants you - YOU, not an idea of a perfect wife or slave or whatever, but YOU.

    I bet my bottom dollar that what he want's is for you to be calm and happy so you guys can take care of business and fit in as much fun as possible.

    So you having done your talking thing for a while... Could you pamper him a bit? a hot bath, an extra cuppa, some quiet time - and then initiate it? You'd probably BOTH feel better for it.

    (((hugs))) it's a stressy time of year, even without illness.

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    1. mc kitten, when I get this way I feel SO alone. I mean, I know I'm not, but what I know and what I feel aren't the same, unfortunately.

      Be bossy all you want over here, it's so easy to forget the essentials! I haven't been doing any of those things you listed. Sigh. I'm big on drinking water (I know the importance), but I haven't even been drinking half of what I should. Once I read your comment I knew that was taking a part in my uncontrolled thoughts.

      I think your bottom dollar is right, and I think it would do me well to remember that...even if I don't understand why.

      Thank you so much! Really. Thank you.

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  2. mckitten said it perfectly. D/s is like everything else in life .. it ebbs & flows ... life gets in the way & life is messy. Just hang tight & trust in what you have .. things will get better.
    (((hugs)))
    gk

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    1. geekie, why, oh why, does it feel like the world is ending when I get this way?! I feel like there's no way out...

      Thank you for reminding me that is not the case!

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  3. ditto the other two. You've got a lot going on, you're not well, you're tired. Don't judge yourself in these circumstances. Strive to be happy, not perfect. They're not the same thing, happiness is more fulfilling than perfection.
    (((hugs)))

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    1. DF, I paused for a good bit over your comment...happiness is not perfection. *palm slaps forehead* duh! Why has that never dawned on me?!

      Thank you, so much!

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  4. I am very glad you posted this...we all have felt this way. Life is....life..not predictable, not always without detours...not always easy....and perfection is impossible...if it were possible i am pretty sure it would be boring..altho i will never know that for sure. It is a crazy time of year...breathe and i like what DelFonte said....happiness is more fulfilling than perfection.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I think I'm glad I posted this too. A little embarrassing though.

      I think it's hard to see the end when you've been detoured, it feels like there is no end, and no solution, but there is...it's Daddy and his love.

      Perfection, I wish it wasn't even a word for it!

      Thank you for commenting, I know you're busy.

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  5. (((Hugs))) Misty, it's such a stressful time of year and being sick doesn't help. Hang in there, life and D/s ebb and flow. I agree with the wonderful comments above.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, sometimes it feels like everything is against me, I know it's not, but still...

      Thanks for the hugs and comment!

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  6. I don't really have anything to add that hasn't been said already.

    Just sending hugs

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    1. little girl, the hugs are much appreciated!! Seriously.

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  7. I also don't have anything new to add, except for hugs and some positive energy. <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Beth. It really helps just knowing all of you are here.

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    1. Thank you so much for the hugs, ancilla!!

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  9. (((hugs))) I've been through this a lot over the past year myself. Whenever we go too long without that d/s connection, a cycle of insecurity and shame starts up in my head until I get so scared that I hold back and try to push him away. Sorry but I have no words of wisdom since I do this so often myself.

    Hope you start feeling better and get to talk and have that connection very soon!

    hugs,
    aurora

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    1. aurora, I can imagine just how bad this last year was for the both of you (and I'm sure it doesn't come close to the reality of it). I really hope next year is better!! And, you know, I'm here, my email is open, if you ever want to chat.

      Fear is a huge part of the angst, all kinds of fear. When I get this way I feel like I've been thrown in a hole and I frantically try to climb out, but in doing so I just make the darn hole deeper. I think we have to remember there is a hand there waiting to pull us out, we just have to learn how to ask for it...of course I see that 'now'. lol

      Thank you SO much for being here!

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  10. Again, so glad you DID post this.

    You are not alone. And just when you think that your post was only for you to release, something, you need to know that your post speaks to where so many of us have been (and to where a few of us are right now).

    I am happy that I read your more recent post first- to know that he read this post and discussed things with you! I hope this is the start of new connections!!!
    XOXO Pearl

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  11. Pearl, it's helps so much to know I'm not alone!!

    His quick reaction to this post was a huge shock. He is really making such great effort and it means the world to me...but you know how that feels! :)

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  12. Misty,

    When it gets like this, just breathe. You know he is there for you, just trust and breathe.
    Glad you are feeling a bit better now and things seem to be right in your world again.

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    1. Bleuame, I do forget that he is here and I'm not alone. I'm terrified of going back here and I'm set on talking the next time I see it coming.

      Things are awesome at the moment--I'm bathing in it. :)

      Thanks for stopping by, and hope you enjoyed New Year's Day!

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  13. I think that we're all a little bit broken. Only difference is that some people go through life without realizing it. The cracks are just part of who we are.

    Feel free to throw that back at me when I have clearly forgotten that such words ever came out of my mouth. Or fingers as the case may be...

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    1. lil, I've been thinking about those cracks. It's okay that they're there until they get in the way of what I want, then I hate that they're there. I think I need to see them as an obstacle, instead of a dead end...

      Lol, I'll make a note of this comment :)

      Delete

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