I'm sad. My head is a mess. It's still this, except it's grown.
We've all been sick. Some nights I feel like I'm sleeping before I get in bed. And there's the little issue of money. His truck started leaking so he had to fix that. There's many, many stresses that have gotten in our way. As a result, we haven't done our talking thing in five or six days.
I wonder if he want this (D/s) and I still wonder if I am capable of giving him what he wants. And really, if I'm not capable of giving him what he wants then why would he want D/s from me?
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get this fucking shit out of my head. There is so much hate inside me for the way I feel, for the way that I am, that if the only way to get rid of it and have it never come back, means giving up on D/s, I might take that exchange. The guilt and disgust I have for myself is just too much. So much so that I push him away. I don't want him touching me because I feel like I can't do it right. Well, there is more than that (more than I know how to explain), but I think that's the main part (that I can't do it right). I'm just broken. It fucking kills me that I'm this way.
I probably shouldn't post this, but I am anyway.