Saturday, December 13, 2014

Imperfections

I wrote a post about why I feel insecure, that I didn't post (obviously) but, shared with him. It listed some specific things that got me here and, now that he has read it, I don't feel like posting it. It's just that, I don't want anyone else to hear my recent epic fails.

I very much want to be this perfect person--a perfect mom, wife, and slave (or is wife and slave one of the same?). I know perfect is impossible to reach, but maybe if I was just a little closer to perfect I would be a little more confident...

I hate when my imperfections eat away at me. 

Domino Effect, that was the title of the un-post. 'Cause that is exactly what it's like, except the first domino in my lineup is the biggest one, and falls the slowest, taking its sweet time to crash into the next. (Why is this paragraph in a different font?! It's driving me nuts.)

The thing is, I know better. I know. I really, really know better. Unfortunately, knowing and executing what I know are two totally different things. 

When he pulls out that darn paddle because I've done something wrong, everything I know disappears. Knowing that I want it, turns into thinking that I don't want it. Knowing that I should hold still, turns into knowing that I need to get away (because it really freaking hurts!). (No, this has nothing to do with that first domino, but maybe one of the medium sized ones though...sigh.)

I guess it's like that with a lot of things, huh? We can go to school, learn a trade, but it's not until you're hands-on that you become what you've learned. 

Daddy's words, "We're all learning here." I guess he is right, once again. Maybe I just need more hands-on experience.

Ha, ha...hands-on experience...I crack myself up sometimes. 

15 comments:

  1. I think we are all learning as we go along..i know for sure i am.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I think I'm learning the hard way. Lol.

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  2. No one is perfect and at least you logically accept that it's impossible.

    There's nothing wrong with striving to become better at all you cant' beat yourself up. Imperfections are what makes our relationships so special. It would be easy to love our spouses if they were perfect and the other way around. It's the fact that we are loved, in spite of our imperfections, that makes it true love:)

    And the mental tug of war...I think that's pretty darn normal! I go along thinking I don't really need all of this but then could I really? Uhhggg...our brains are too damn complicated. LOL

    xo

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    1. sorry typo...what I was trying to say is...

      "There'[s nothing wrong with striving to become better at all you do but you can't beat yourself up."

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    2. little girl, you're absolutely right. It's just easier for me to love his imperfections, than for me to be okay with my own. I really gotta get past that!! I think it holds me back.

      Our brains are too complicated!!! :)

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  3. I don't think any of us are particularly thrilled about our imperfections. What's important is that we try our best and learn along the way. And isn't it wonderful to have someone who loves you regardless? ;)

    And I'm sure there's someone who would be all too glad to help you out with that "hands on" experience! lol

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    1. Grace, it's a great feeling to have his love!! It's reason enough to keep trying to better myself, that's for sure.

      And I'm sure there is someone around here somewhere that will help me with that experience. ;)

      Thanks for the comment!

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  4. Let's hope you get more hands on experience.

    FD

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  5. We are all learning as we go along. In our respective D/s relationships and in life. It's what makes it so delicious .... learning.

    Thanks for a great post.

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  6. sub hub, you are right...though when I fail it doesn't feel delicious, but it's totally worth it, in the end!

    Thanks for saying this was a great post. My insecurities don't stop at the computer, so it's nice to know people appreciate what I have to say :)

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  7. ((((hugs)))) i would get very down that I wasn't perfect and he, in my opinion, more than deserves perfect.

    I think he's now convinced me that it's me he wants, not perfection, and so much of this is about the process, not an end result - if a an end result is even possible.

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    1. mc kitten, you hit the nail on the head with that first part! I'm just so disappointed with myself. It's like all my confidence is gone. I wonder if I can hold up my end of the "bargain". He deserves more...

      I think I'm starting to realize it's a process and it takes time...it just hasn't fully sunk in yet. It will though, one of these days. Lol.

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  8. (((Hugs))) Misty, I agree, I think it's about the process and learning and growing as a couple and as individuals.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, why does it have to feel like the sky is falling, when that's all it is (a learning experience)?!

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