Thursday, February 26, 2015

I Think...

A lot of things happened around the same time and it has been a bit too much. 

Daddy and I talk more. We are talking more about what might be in our future kink-wise, my feelings, and just more talking in general. It brings me closer to him, which I love, but it's scary too. Extremely scary. 

I realized that my actions don't meet up with my feelings, and that really bothers me. 

I'm trying to be healthier, and I'm doing a crappy job at it. 

I have been craving more control from him. I was starting to feel resentful about it, too, yet at the same time I knew I wasn't being fair, which in turn made me feel guilty. I just need to talk to him more when I get this way, I think.

My Mom is depressed. She comes to me for answers, but doesn't want to hear what I say. I think she likes being this way--all, "Woe is me." 

I have all these boxes of memorabilia from when I was younger, that my mom sent to me, and I started going through them (still have a couple more. Ugh.). It brought up a lot. I also went searching my dad online...what I found made me angry, not just towards him, but a lot of people.

So there's all these things, and under normal circumstances they wouldn't effect me the way they have, however, with being so vulnerable they are all effecting me in a way I don't know how to handle. It's overwhelming. 

What am I going to doing about it? 

I'm going to take it one thing at a time and I'm going to try not to let the things I can't fix effect me. I'm going to talk to Daddy more and I'm going to keep writing. And that's all I got for now.



Wednesday, February 25, 2015

?'s About a Domain

In the "Settings" on Blogger it gives you an option to buy your own domain, if we do that will that exclude the blog from the new policy? It's only $12 and, even though I don't post pictures, it would be nice not to have to worry about this stuff!

Reading here they don't list that as an option...

Oh, if you want to back up your blog look here for a how to.

Also, I've been told, and read, that if you have your own domain you must have a host, but it looks to me like if I purchase this via Blogger I don't need a host...anyone know if this is true?

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Let's Try This Again

I'm completely freaked out about writing. I thought I would try to be a little more open about who I am, to help with the whole vulnerable thing, and it's back fired. I wrote a post, published it, thought about it, freaked out, and took it down. I was close to taking down the whole blog. I wanted to give up.

I'm not though, I'm going to keep truckin' along because I know this is good for me.

So here's what's going to happen...

I'm going to tell you what I took down. I'm going to freak out again. And then, we will move on to more pleasant things, like how he wants me to put the glass plug, that feels like Mt. Everest, in every night. 

Sound like a good plan? 

Okay, here you go...

My Great-Grandpa, on my Dad's side, was a preacher. I never got to see him preach because he retired before I was born, though I can remember hearing his prayers before we ate holiday dinners. He was a strong, loving man. I remember him building a small two-story play house in his back yard at 80-something with Parkinson's.

His and my Great-Grandma's kids are widely different, though they all put great care into appearances and titles. I imagine being a preachers child would do that to you--the pressure must have been great.

Even though I learned early on that one's worth isn't dependent on appearances and titles, other parts passed down to me. I do care how I look (probably have a bit of vain in me)--my skin is important to me and I fear wrinkles like no other, which isn't a necessarily bad thing (until I get wrinkles!). I also learned to keep problems to myself. You see, my family is a godly family that doesn't have problems... or so they like to let on. They tend to cover up and ignore issues. I was well over sixteen before I told my Grandma some thoughts about my dad, and I have never had that talk with my Grandpa. No one has ever asked my opinion about him...I think it's just easier for them this way and I respect that (anything that I would say would probably be redundant anyway). I know not many people like to talk about their problems, but it's something else to ignore them, don't you think?

I was six months old when my Dad's true colors started to show, therefore I've always lived this way, I've always kept quiet.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

What Must Be

I have realized this is something I must go through. I cannot go back and I cannot go around. All detours lead right back here. Stopping is no longer an option. Forward is the the only way.

The barricade is tall, thick, and much stronger than I.

I know this because I built it to be indestructible.

There is no path to guide my way through. No light to shine the way. No maps or "How To..." books.

Unnavigable.

Which is how I wanted it.

It used to be that only uncomprehendable whispers could be heard from the monsters that slither through my mind, which left me free to ignore them. A wonderful side effect.

However, it blocked out much more than their voices. A trade I didn't know I was making. Though, had I known, I might have still made it.

Each layer that has come crashing down, brings back more of what was lost.

More history.
More monsters.
More love.
More anger.
More life.
More hate.

More me.

There is more left, lurking within the parts that haven't fallen--feared unknowns waiting their turn to expose and heal.

What lies beyond is the mystery I fear the most. What will it be like? Will I be strong enough to handle it? Will it be someone that he can love? Will it hurt?

I know not how far I have come, nor how far I have left or where I will end, I only know that I must go through.

Monday, February 16, 2015

What Once Was, Isn't

Parts of this new life have shaken me in ways I never expected. Beliefs have changed. Facts aren't as concrete as they used to be. What once was, isn't...

I must take a moment to share A Dauntless Journey's most recent post "It's Not Change...It's Evolution", because it fits here, and it has made me feel a tad better about what's happening to me.

I am now shaken by how much I have begun to care. I don't know how to handle it. 

Things I used to care little to nothing about, seem extremely important now. There is a higher standard I hold myself to (I don't think I'm unrealistic, but I could very well be), and it's important to me that I meet those standards.

I'm struggling to understand, process, and express the feeling of caring so deeply, about many things, not just him.

I think this has taken the last of my confidence...

I'm questioning if I have what it takes to be the person I want to be...I'm questioning myself in many ways.

It's quite annoying actually.

It's just that, I get so caught up in my head, and being that I'm quick to see my faults and reluctant to see my strengths...add that to this new level of caring...

I'm trying to see things for what they are, not how I feel they are, and even though I know the two are not the same, I have trouble knowing which is right... because what once was, isn't.

It's a trap I can't get out of.

I just...don't trust myself anymore. I clearly see that this me and my damn over-thinking brain, nevertheless I'm still here, contemplating my worth. I don't know how to get through this wall--usually there's a window, or at least a crack that I can start at, however I can't see one this time and it's driving me crazy.

I want some confidence, damn it!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

He Bought Rope

The only rope that he has used thus far is from a jump rope the kids got (it had cheap handles that broke). This new rope is long, soft, and blue. And I think I'm in love. 

Let's back up a bit.

He left the house saying, "I need to run an errand." 

I didn't ask where he was going because we usually use this as code for, "I don't want the kids to know where I'm going because they will want to come with me."

Later, when he was starting the fire I asked. 

"You don't need to worry about it," was the answer I got. 

So, of course, I knew it was something I might actually need to worry about, or at least something to thoroughly wonder about. 

*     *     *     *

I'm such a lucky girl! He got out the hook again. *grins*

Anyway, the anal hook was put in place (I wasn't very relaxed and it actually kinda hurt this time), then the rope came out. Well, first I heard the plastic bag, then I felt the rope. When I finally saw it I remember thinking, "YAY!" And, "It's blue." 

Isn't weird the stuff that can run through your mind during times like this. I mean, why on earth would I be thinking about the color

He tied it to the hook and wrapped it around my shoulders and under my breast a couple times, then above my breast a couple times. It also got wrapped around my neck and waist somehow...I wasn't much concerned with how he was doing it, just that he was doing it. 

It was an interesting feeling. I was naked, all parts were showing, yet I felt...not naked...maybe secure is the word I'm looking for. Not sure how to explain.   

And when he entered me for the first time in forever a week, fireworks went off inside me. It was like he pushed little balls of pleasure into my veins with his cock. It was almost too much. Almost. 

Those little balls travelled to their spots and stayed there, igniting each time he moved.

If there is some kind of D/s heaven, that's where we were. 

We have a full length mirror in our room that, if we are at one corner of the bed, we can see ourselves in it. He likes making me look at myself sometimes, this was one of those times. 

It was...I felt...beautiful. I had this blue rope around my neck and torso. My ponytail was falling out, messy and off to one side, but it too was beautiful. It was him, though, that set the picture over the top...him fucking me. 

Best. Valentine's. Ever. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Catching Up

I'm doing much better. Back at the happy stage. :)

I didn't get to the gym three days last week and, even though I only had four days left in the week to get there when I came up with this bright idea, I'm not eating candy/sweets this week (I'm not giving myself an out on this one). Did you know Valentine's is coming up? Do you know how much candy two kids get for Valentine's Day? They already got some a couple days ago from the grandparents.

And, of course, I'm on my period, which is just freaking awesome.

I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE NOW. Like a whole box of chocolates, all filled with nuts and caramel. They want to be in my mouth, I hear them calling me all the way from the store.

Making beds and putting away clean clothes have all been done on time, so that's good. I'd be pretty down on myself if I couldn't even do that, which is why I made it easy...don't need more things to fail at.

Speaking of failing...last week, the whole week, I forgot to wear the plug at night. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to remember. He remembered. Which is why we didn't have sex the whole week. No sexual relations whatsoever. *head hits the floor* When Saturday night rolled around, the hook came out, which you know I love, but it was different this time...effing guilt. His point was made and, in the end, I felt loads better.

The weather here has been unseasonably warm and we are all thoroughly enjoying it, however we have some flowers/plants that are starting to show green and I'm a little worried they will freeze. Even one of our apple trees is showing signs of life...not that I would be all that disappointed to have no apples this year.

Anyway, hope all of you enjoy Valentine's Day! We don't celebrate the "holiday", but I'm sure we will still have a good night ;)

Friday, February 6, 2015

I'm on a Mission

I have come up with a few things that I'm going to do. They are non-challenging things (small steps, right?) that will give me something else to focus on besides all that didn't get done--things that I can tell myself, "At least I got that done today." 

  • I'm going to make the beds before lunch.
  • I'm also going to have all clean clothes put away before dinner.
  • I will to go to the gym three times a week. 

Told you they were easy...though, when you have kids even the simplest things can seem impossible at times.

I have even taken it a step further to ensure I do these embarrassingly easy things...

If I don't make the beds in time, I lose my morning coffee the following day. 

If I don't get the clothes put away, I lose my afternoon coffee the following day.

Yeah, I'm off my rocker, but I figure it's a way to cut out a little more sugar and fat from my diet. 

If I don't make it to the gym those three days, the following week I will not eat chocolate, candy, or any kind of sweets.

If this doesn't work, I will tweak it until it does, because I'm so tired of feeling this way. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Same Shit, Over and Over

I'm happy, I start to fall, I struggle, I hit the floor, I feel sorry for myself, I give up, he does something to make it seem not all that bad, and around again we go.

I'm at the feeling sorry for myself stage...okay, I'm sugar coating it, but we've been here before so I don't really need to get into it, do I?

I wish I was one of those people that likes to prove someone wrong, that is competitive, and gets it done. I'm not that though. I don't feel a need to prove anyone wrong or prove myself to others, I don't need to win. It feels really good to win, but if I don't...eh.

Daddy is that way. He doesn't normally let things get in his way. He proves he can. His focus is firm. He wins.

I don't know where I'm going with this...

I guess, I'm saying that something needs to change. I need to learn how to turn my failure into fuel, instead of mud. 'Cause it's not easy to restart a fire that's been covered in mud. And I can't expect him to do it for me...I want to be able to light it myself.